- Cheech: You know what we need to do? A take off on a telethon. You know, like Jerry Lewis does? You know, raise money for kids? Yeah. I know, we call it: Dope-A-Thon. Yeah. We have guest hosts, you know. And we raise money for dopers that - lost there crops!
- Chong: [in blackface] Ladies and Gentlemen, right now, right now, my name is Blind Melon Chitlin. I'm a legend! I'm 156 years old. That's right. I'm 156 years old. And I can still get it up. He-he-he. I just can't get it in. Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm gonna get down with you'll right now. Sing a little tune I wrote one day when I was beatin' my old lady. A little thing called, "Goin' Downtown, Gonna See My Gal." Yeh. It goes something like this here.
- [singing]
- Chong: Goin' downtown, Gonna see my gal.
- Cheech: I was workin' on a bit. I forgot to tell you. We'll do a take off on "E.T." Okay? Except it's like a chicano version, right? It's called: "E.T., Eddie Torres, the Extra Testicle." You like it? It's about this horny guy from East Outer Space, you know. And he lands on earth in a low rider flying saucer, man. And he pulls up on this chick's lawn and she hides him in her closet because her parents are out for the weekend. Yeah? And he chases her all around the house. Going: beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
- Cheech: [singing] Amsterdam! I like it in Amsterdam, I'm so glad we came, To Amsterdam, Now, Amsterdam, They smoke hash in the street, And they ride bicycles all over, And they got everything that's cool in here, They got a lot of dikes, In Amsterdam, And they got a lot of chicks, All over, I'm so glad we came to Amsterdam, Even though, They don't know, Who we are in - Amsterdam, Oh, I like Amsterdam...
- Cheech: Did you ever try to argue with a Dutch bitch? First of all, you gotta look up to them, man. She been peddlin' a bicycle all day, you, she could kick you ass, man.
- [as a Jamaican dope dealer in "The Harder They Don't Come"]
- Cheech: Hey, sister. Lebanese. Moroccan. Hashish. Nigerian! Home grown. Come on, sister. I give you some. Special price.
- [singing]
- Cheech: Dope! Do-o-o-o-pe! Concert come, Nobody buy no dope, Dope! He say dope, He say dope, He say dope, He say do-o-o-o-o-pe. Concert come, nobody buy dope, Got Moroccan, Lebanese, Afghani too...
- Cheech: [arriving at Schiphol Airport, nobody recognizes them] No, please. No more autographs. No more pictures. Thank you. Thank you. It's lovely to be here. Take me to a dike!
- Chong: Hey, I thought of another bit.
- Cheech: Oh, yeah?
- Chong: "Queer Wars."
- Cheech: Oh, yeah, that'd be...
- Chong: Remember, "Queer Wars," man?
- Cheech: Yeah, yeah.
- Chong: Remember, fags in Outer Space? What do you think?
- Cheech: Yeah, yeah. That'd be good.
- Chong: Remember how it went? Like it was these two faggots gettin' ready to go to a party? Remember?
- Cheech: Oh, yeah, yeah. That's gonna be a good bit.
- Chong: "Queer Wars!" Yeah.
- Cheech: Everything in this town's open 24 hours, man. I kept waiting for that bar to close, man, it never closed.
- Chong: I love Amsterdam!
- Cheech: Really, man. I can't take much more of this partying, man. I'm wasted. I hope they got a masseuse here, man, I need my back worked on. I need my front worked on too.
- Journalist: Do you know when Reynolds and Parton are coming here?
- Cheech: Ah, yeah, um, uh, Dolly Parton's coming and Burt Reynolds and Paul Newman and Jimi Hendrix is coming, um, E.T., E.T.'s coming, he's a personal friend of mine.
- Chong: This is a great town, eh? A lot of people think we come here just for the drugs, but, that's true.