Vacation (1983)

Chevy Chase: Clark Griswold

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Quotes 

• Clark Griswald : I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fuckin' fun park and you want to bail out! Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fuckin' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! Hahaha. I gotta be crazy, I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!

  Rusty Griswold : [grabs Clark's shoulder]  Dad, you want an aspirin or somethin'?

  Clark Griswald : ...DON'T TOUCH!

• Rusty Griswold : Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards.

  Clark Griswald : Nothing to be proud of Russ...

  [pauses as Rusty walks away] 

  Clark Griswald : [proudly]  ... 50 yards...

• [Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly] 

  Clark Griswald : O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her... give her a break.

  Ellen Griswold : Clark... Clark... This is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.

  Clark Griswald : Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best, OK?

• Motorcycle Cop : Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?

  Clark Griswald : No, sir, I don't.

  Motorcycle Cop : Well... it's probably pretty stiff.

• Clark Griswald : Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?

  Pimp : Fuck yo mama!

  Clark Griswald : Thank you very much.

• [Clark punches the Marty Moose statue] 

  Ellen Griswold : Clark, what are you doing?

  Clark : We watch his program... We buy his toys, we go to his movies... he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? Fucking-A right he owes us!

  Ellen Griswold : Clark, you're scaring me.

  Clark : DON'T BE SCARED! I think that someone just owes us an explanation that's all!

• Ellen Griswold : This is so dangerous, Clark. We have no business being in a neighborhood like this!

  Clark Griswald : Oh I don't know, hun. This is a part of America we never get to see.

  Ellen Griswold : [sarcastic]  That's good!

  Clark Griswald : Uh... no that's bad. We can't just ignore the plight of the inner cities. See the plight kids?

  [gunshots are heard and a woman is heard screaming] 

  Clark Griswald : Roll 'em up!

• [Clark has just been pulled over by a Colorado motorcycle cop] 

  Clark Griswald : Hi officer, what's the problem?

  Motorcycle Cop : Get out of the car!

  [Clark exits from the car] 

  Clark Griswald : I don't think I was speeding. Was I weaving or something?

  Motorcycle Cop : Shut your mouth, sir! You know, if I weren't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you can say, "police brutality!"

  Clark Griswald : Well whatever I did, I'm sure I can explain...

  [the motorcycle cop forcibily takes Clark by the arm and leads him to the rear of the car, which has a dog leash still tied to it] 

  Motorcycle Cop : Explain this, you son-of-a-bitch!

  Clark Griswald : Oh my God...

• Cousin Eddie : I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?

  Clark Griswald : You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.

• Aunt Edna : I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles!

  Rusty Griswold : Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...

  Ellen Griswold : He was speeding, Rusty!

  Rusty Griswold : No he wasn't, Mom. He...

  Clark : Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids...

  [the motorcycle cop appears at the car window with the dog leash] 

  Motorcycle Cop : Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.

• Clark Griswald : Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?

  Cousin Eddie : Oh, nothing but the best.

• Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld : That's not a real gun, is it Clark?

  Clark Griswald : Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.

  Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld : It's a BB gun!

  Clark Griswald : Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.

  Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld : You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.

• Clark Griswald : Oh, you can't think I'd do this on purpose? Look... I tied him to the rear bumper while I was packing the car. It was very confusing. I must have forgot. I'm very sorry, I feel terrible.

  Motorcycle Cop : How do you think that little dog feels?

  Clark Griswald : Look, I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident.

  Motorcycle Cop : Well, I guess I can buy that, sir. But it is a shame. I had a pooch like this when I was a kid.

  [both Clark and the motorcycle cop sorrowfully look at the empty road behind them] 

  Motorcycle Cop : Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so.

  [tearing up] 

  Motorcycle Cop : Tough little mutt...

• Ellen Griswold : Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.

  Clark Griswald : It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.

• Clark Griswald : Could I do your back, honey?

  Ellen Griswold : I've already done my back.

  Clark Griswald : Could I do your front?

  Ellen Griswold : Go do your own front.

• Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld : Has your father ever killed anyone?

  Rusty : Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.

  Clark Griswald : Hey you can't prove that Russ.

• Rusty Griswold : Dad, this is not the car you ordered!

  Clark Griswald : Settle down Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.

  Ed, the car salesman : You didn't order the Metallic Pea?

  Clark Griswald : Metallic Pea?

• Ellen Griswold : The next time you have one of your outbursts, I'd really appreciate it if you think about the consideration of our kids.

  Clark Griswald : What are you talking about?

  Ellen Griswold : You don't know? After everything that happened, you still don't get it?

  Clark Griswald : I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.

  Ellen Griswold : Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!

• Clark Griswald : [talking about Aunt Edna]  She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.

  Ellen Griswald : Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.

  Audrey Griswald : Yes, he can!

  Clark Griswald : You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.

• Aunt Edna : Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.

  Cousin Eddie : Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?

  Clark Griswald : Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?

  Cousin Eddie : About $52,000.

• Clark Griswald : I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were... if you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?

  Roy Walley : No.

• Clark Griswald : I'm making this out for one thousand dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash and keep 700 dollars, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.

• Clark Griswald : Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.

• Ellen Griswold : I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.

  Clark Griswald : Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world.

  Aunt Edna : Clark, watch your language!

  Clark Griswald : Make that the second biggest.

• Aunt Edna : You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!

  Ellen Griswold : Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.

  Aunt Edna : Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?

  Clark Griswald : Clark.

  Aunt Edna : I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?

• Clark : Aah, what d'ya say honey? Ohh. Despite all the little problems, it really is fun isn't it?

  Ellen Griswold : No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.

• Clark Griswald : [to the Dodge City bartender]  Hey Knucklehead, set us up with four Red eye's will ya?

  [the bartender ignors him] 

  Clark Griswald : Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you!

  [the bartender glares at Clark] 

  Clark Griswald : Hey Tender foot, move your chicken wings turkey!

  [the bartender angrily glares at Clark] 

  Ellen Griswold : Clark, that's not nice.

  Clark Griswald : Relax, it's all part of the act.

  [to the bartender] 

  Clark Griswald : Hey Underpants...

  [the bartender pulls out a double-barrled shotgun and shoots Clark!] 

• [In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain] 

  Ellen Griswold : We can't leave her on the patio!

  Clark Griswald : Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?

• [In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two native Americans on horses watch him] 

  Clark Griswald : We pass a damn gas station every hundred yards for a thousand miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!

  [Coughs and continues to rant] 

  Cowboy : What an asshole.

• Clark Griswald : This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!

• Clark Griswald : I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?

• Clark Griswald : I've spent the last 15 years of my life developing newer and better food additives. I guess I've missed an awful lot. At first, I didn't want to take this vacation. But, now I'm glad I did. It's given me a chance to spend a lot more time with you and... uh...

  Rusty : Audrey.

  Clark Griswald : Audrey, yeah.

• Aunt Edna : Clark, Dinkums needs a long walk and a bath.

  Clark Griswald : Rusty take care of Dinkums.

  Rusty : Dad he bites.

  Clark Griswald : Bite him back.

• Ellen Griswald : We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.

  Clark Griswald : No, it isn't.

• Clark Griswald : We're from out of town.

  Man Giving Directions : No shit.

• [looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat] 

  Ellen Griswold : She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do, Clark?

  Clark Griswald : Well, we could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we could call your Cousin Normie and he could come and get her, I guess.

  Ellen Griswold : That is the meanest, coldest...

  Clark Griswald : Well what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?

  Audrey Griswold : Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!

  Rusty Griswold : Yeah, come on, Mom. It'll be real easy for Cousin Normie to find her. All they have to do is look for the buzzards.

• Ellen Griswold : [after the bartender shoots at Clark]  Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.

  Clark Griswald : C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?

  Audrey Griswold : What?

  Clark Griswald : I said didn't you think it was real?

  Audrey Griswold : What?

  Ellen Griswold : Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.

  Clark Griswald : Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.

• Clark Griswald : Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?

• Clark Griswald : [Edited TV version]  Excuse me. Could you please tell how to get back on the expressway?

  Pimp : Man, who do I look like, Christopher Columbo?

  Clark Griswald : Thank you very much.

• Ed, the car salesman : I'll get to the bottom of this. Davenport!

  Davenport : Yes, Mr. Ed?

  Ed, the car salesman : Mr. Griswold ordered a blue sports wagon, where is it?

  Davenport : I don't know sir.

  Ed, the car salesman : [to Clark]  I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.

  Clark Griswald : Ed, I'm not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can't get it I'm gonna take my business elsewhere! Where's my old car?

  Ed, the car salesman : I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car back and bring it back here! Now I can get you the wagon, there's not problem there. The problem is that it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster... You think you hate it now, wait 'til you drive it.

  Clark Griswald : I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back. I'm not falling for this. Let's go, Russ

• Clark Griswald : Roy... can I call you Roy? Have you even driven cross-country?

  Roy Walley : Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life. The smell from the back seat was terrible.

  Clark Griswald : Ooooh. Ooooh, I know that smell. Roy, could you imagine if you had driven all the way to Florida and it was closed?

  Roy Walley : Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.

• Clark Griswald : Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?

• Clark Griswald : Roll 'em up!

• Clark Griswald : When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun.

• Rusty Griswold : That was a crummy Wyatt Earp dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.

  Clark Griswald : They used to Rusty.

• Clark Griswald : [after being in the desert for too long, Clark begins to go insane]  Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Dead. I'm dead. Taxi! Here boy! The heat. Darn. I'm dead. I'm finished. Hot! Hot!

• Ellen Griswold : No, we don't. You gave $500 to Eddie, and everything on this safari has cost twice as much as you figured out.

  Clark Griswald : Honey, there's nothing in that luggage that can't be replaced. Except for your... diaphragm. We can always cash a check down the road. Don't you trust me?

  Ellen Griswold : As long as you don't tie me to the rear bumper.

  Clark Griswald : That hurt, Ellen.

• Cousin Eddie : How do you like yours, Clark?

  Clark Griswald : Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.

  Cousin Eddie : No, I mean your bun.

• Ellen Griswold : Don't just blurt it out about Edna dying.

  Clark Griswald : How about if I ask him to play 20 Questions?

  [Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no anwser] 

  Clark Griswald : Oh, for chrissake, he isn't even home!

  Ellen Griswold : Maybe the neighbors know where he is.

  Clark Griswald : The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.

  Ellen Griswold : Normie's always been flighty.

  Clark Griswald : He's always been a jackoff...

  Ellen Griswold : Would you watch your mouth!

• [the kids are playing Pacman while Clark is designing a map on the computer] 

  Clark Griswald : Russ, please don't eat the Truckster.

• Cousin Eddie : Yeah, I bet you could use a cool one, eh?

  Clark Griswald : Now you're talking!

  [Eddie hands Clark his opened beer he'd been drinking and opens the last fresh one for himself] 

• Clark Griswald : I don't give a frogs fat ass who went through what. We need money.

• Mechanic 2 : Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.

  Clark Griswald : Yeah, well, I'm from out of town. So, what's the bill? Come on, come on, how much?

  Mechanic 1 : How much you got?

  Clark Griswald : No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.

  Mechanic 1 : And I'm asking how much you got!

  Clark Griswald : You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to play around, OK? So how much is it?

  Mechanic 1 : [waving a wrench]  All of it, boy!

  Clark Griswald : What does your sheriff think of your business practices?

  [Mechanic 1 laughs and shows Clark his sheriff's badge] 

• [after jumping into the freezing-cold pool] 

  Clark Griswald : Aaaaaah! Jesus! Fuck!

• Grover : Mr. Walley, he treated me like a dog, Mr. Walley! He humiliated my human decency, this guy!

  Roy Walley : [confused]  What did he do to your dog?

  Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld : Well, uh, he kidnapped me, Mr. Walley, but I tell ya, I had a great time on your rides. It was the most fantastic time I ever had in my life! I like the part where it goes REALLY way up.

  Roy Walley : I'm glad you liked it.

  [to policeman] 

  Roy Walley : Now what's happening right now?

  Clark : [to Ellen]  It's Roy Walley, honey!

  Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld : Yeah, Mr. Walley, my name is Russ Lasky, I-I met you at the summer picnic last year, and I just want to tell you, I had the greatest time in my life.

  Policeman : They kidnapped one of my men, sir.

  Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld : I was the one who was sick. Well anyway, Mr. Walley, I went on all the rides, I didn't even get sick this time! Normally, I get sick on all your rides...

  Roy Walley : QUIET!

  Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld : I didn't even get sick once.

• Clark Griswald : So, this is the old homestead, eh?

  Cousin Eddie : Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The bank's been after me like flies on a rib roast.

• Ellen Griswold : Clark, I need my vanity case. We've got to go back and look for it. All my credit cards are in it.

  Clark Griswald : Honey, Number 1: I've already called the bank and told them you lost them. B: there's no way we're going to find it when we don't even know where it fell off. And 3: I've got my credit cards and we've still got plenty of cash. OK?

• Cousin Eddie : [at the cookout]  Aunt Edna! Supper's gettin' cold!

  Clark Griswald : [to Ellen]  Is that *your* Aunt Edna?

  [Ellen slinks away from the table] 

• Motel Desk Clerk : [returning Clark's credit card to him]  I'm sorry, sir. I can't accept this credit card.

  Clark Griswald : Why not?

  Motel Desk Clerk : The computer says it's been reported lost.

  Clark Griswald : Oh no no no, you see, my wife lost her credit cards in Colorado and I had to report it, and the computer's probably reporting that I lost mine, which obviously I haven't.

  Motel Desk Clerk : Well, you'll have to straighten that out with your bank.

  Clark Griswald : Would you take a personal check?

  Motel Desk Clerk : For how much?

  Clark Griswald : $300?

  Motel Desk Clerk : I can't do that, sir.

  Clark Griswald : Look, I've lost all my cash and we're on our way to California.

  Motel Desk Clerk : Walley World?

  Clark Griswald : Yeah, Walley World. And I'm sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. You know, I'd really appreciate it.

  Motel Desk Clerk : Not without a major credit card.

  Clark Griswald : I have $6.13 to my name, so I can see we're going to have to work something out here between us.

  Motel Desk Clerk : Look, I've already told you: I can't accept a check without a major credit card.

  Clark Griswald : [writing the check]  I'm making this out for $1,000. All you have to do is give me in $300 in cash and keep $700. All for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.

  Motel Desk Clerk : The only thing I can do is have you stay here until the check clears. Ten working days.

  [the clerk walks away; Clark slams on the desk in frustration, which opens the cash register. On an impulse, Clark grabs the cash and sticks the filled-out check in the cash register] 

• Clark Griswald : Marty Moose, Marty Moose, Marty Moose! Uh-uck! That's me, huh huh huh!

• [Clark leads the Griswolds to the back entrance of Walley World] 

  Ellen Griswold : Clark, will you listen to me? Let's just find a hotel. I'll call my parents, they'll wire us money. We can fly home and forget this vacation ever happened.

  Clark Griswald : Honey, relax. I told you I'm not angry anymore. I'm in complete control. I'm sure they're not repairing every ride at the same time. I think they owe us a little explanation. I think they owe us a little fun, okay? Whatever happens, just trust me. Will you just trust me?

• Clark Griswald : [to the campground cashier]  37 dollars for three tents?

• Grover : What's going on here?

  Clark Griswald : [pointing a gun at Grover]  You! Freeze! Sit! Sit, come on! Lie down! Let's go, lie down! Roll over. Stay.