- David Jackson: [talking into a CB radio right after St. Helens erupts] Vancouver! Vancouver! This is it!
- [the blast consumes him]
- Harry Truman: [reading from his wife's recipe] "Baste duck every twenty minutes in cherry sauce." Cherry sauce. Dammit, Edie, how can I baste the duck in cherry sauce when I'm all out of sauce? I guess I'm gonna have to make a load of sauce. If I had any cherries, I could make a load of sauce.
- [to his dog]
- Harry Truman: What're YOU looking at? The least you could do is set the table!
- Otis Kaylor: Listen, if you don't back off, I'll kick your butt so far between your shoulder blades, you're gonna have to stand on your head to go to the john.
- Soldier: Colonel, there's someone coming up to see you, they just let him through the barrier.
- Dr. Romarantin: Doctor Lucious Romarantin. Founder and pastor of the Holy Churches of Dark Arts, Raleigh, North Carolina. I understand the great god Vulcan has chosen to make his appearance in this half of the world, am I correct, gentlemen?
- Col. Arnholt: [Colonel looks to David Jackson, both are in stunned silence]
- Dr. Romarantin: Gentlemen, there's a volcano in the area, Mount St. Helens I believe?
- David Jackson: ...Yes, that's right.
- Dr. Romarantin: Well, I believe, I've found a way to appease the great god Vulcan!
- Col. Arnholt: How are you gonna do that?
- Dr. Romarantin: Colonel, you will be our holy escort to the top of the mountain. Now, you will escort Pamela and myself - she's fifteen years old, and a virgin. After a brief ceremony at the top of that fiery inferno, she will hurl herself into the jaws of that treacherous, teething fire, and thereby appease the great god Vulcan. The mountain will not erupt, and your people will be saved!
- David Jackson: ...What do you feel about this, Pamela?
- Pamela: Whatever the Doctor says.
- David Jackson: Well, Doctor, I don't want you to think that we're not grateful, you coming all the way from Raleigh and all, but we'd like to try a couple of other things first. Maybe we could hold you in reserve? And if we do get to sacrificing, I think we'd like to use a local girl.
- Dr. Romarantin: Don't say I never gave you a chance! Don't even know if she'll be a virgin tomorrow! It's alright, honey, we'll find another volcano for you.
- Harry Truman: Who the hell are you?
- Lloyd Wagner: Lloyd Wagner, Chief of Operations of the USGS.
- Harry Truman: Where you from, fellow?
- Lloyd Wagner: Minneapolis.
- Harry Truman: Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Lloyd Wagner. In Skamania County, we've got three chiefs. And I'm two of 'em. Now get the hell out of my way, I want to go home.
- Lloyd Wagner: It's for your own good. I mean, we can't be responsible!
- Harry Truman: Don't shit me, buddy. I've got a turd in every pocket.