- Van Helsing: In one minute, terrible things are going to happen!
- [a scream is heard off-camera]
- Van Helsing: Um, less than a minute.
- Van Helsing: Selling the house now would be like closing the barn door after the horses eat your children.
- Yolanda: What do the building codes say about filling the basement with earth?
- Marge, the Real Estate Broker: It's... it's a finished basement.
- Waldemar: Not yet it isn't.
- Television Announcer: George and Elizabeth Bennetson got into their car to go to a party... But this wasn't going to be the kind of party they expected. The guests are about to arrive...
- John Hyatt: Billy, will you turn that thing off?
- Billy Hyatt: I did turn it off.
- Van Helsing: [to the liquor store delivery boy] Put it in the kitchen. I would help you, but I hurt my back during the Crimean War.