The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

Peter Falk: Tramp

Photos 

Quotes 

• Tramp : [Kermit is sitting on a park bench, holding a glass slipper. A tramp approaches him]  How you doing, young fella?

  Kermit : Oh... Okay, I guess.

  Tramp : Penny for your thoughts.

  Kermit : Well, it's a long story.

  Tramp : But a familiar one, I bet.

  Kermit : Mmm. Older than the hills.

  Tramp : I've been there, my friend. I've been there and back.

  Kermit : Mmm.

  Tramp : You know, I see the way you're sitting here, and I see the way you've got your hand around that little shoe, and that's all I need. I know your whole story.

  Kermit : Mmm, you do?

  Tramp : Absolutely. I know exactly what happened to you.

  Kermit : What?

  Tramp : Well, I tell you, friend. What happened was you and your brother-in-law Bernie, you cashed in your stock certificates and your insurance policy and you went out and bought a dry-cleaning establishment.

  Kermit : [confused]  Mmm?

  Tramp : Now, another place opens up down the street and it's charging less. And they're getting the stuff out faster because they got more help. It's not your fault. Right?

  Kermit : Mmm.

  Tramp : All right. So Bernie comes to you, he says, 'I want you to buy me out.' He says he's fed up. Well, your kids are growing up, you never see 'em, and all of a sudden they're turning into juvenile delinquents, and your wife is saying to you, 'Listen, you care more about this lousy business than you care about me.' And the equipment breaks down and your sister moves in with you because that jerk Bernie, he went and joined the circus. Well, you had it up to here, right? You didn't know what to do. So what did you do? You did the only thing you could do.

  Kermit : Mmm.

  Tramp : You dumped the business for a song. And who did you sell it to?

  Kermit : Who?

  Tramp : You sold it to that jerk down the street, that slob that had been burying you for a year. Then you took whatever money you had left and you sunk it into the glass slipper business. That's your story, my friend. Not a happy one, is it?

  Kermit : Mmm-mmm. You know, it's amazing. You are 100% wrong. I mean, nothing you've said has been right.

  Tramp : Oh, yeah?

  [Long pause as the tramp stares out at the world] 

  Tramp : Well, how about this...

  Kermit : I hate to be rude, but, uh, we're trying to do a movie here.

  Tramp : Oh, yeah?

  Kermit : Mmm-hmm.

  Tramp : Oh, I didn't know that. Gee, I'm sorry. Listen, one thing, son.

  [Opens his coat] 

  Tramp : Would you like to buy a watch?

  Kermit : No.

  Tramp : [the tramp gets up and walks away]  Movie stars.