- [first lines]
- Randy Hastings: [getting out of car after hitching ride] Thanks very much.
- Driver: Remember - South Philly's that way. Good luck.
- Bunny Weinberger: That's the trouble with you college kids, you ain't got no respect for the workin' man.
- Herschel Weinberger: Honk! Honk!
- Randy Hastings: Toot. Toot.
- Herschel Weinberger: Beep!
- Bunny Weinberger: Stop it!
- Herschel Weinberger: Beep!
- Bunny Weinberger: Stop it with the stupid ass noises.
- Herschel Weinberger: You can call me Nick. But, you little sweet thing, you can call me Nick honey, Nick baby, whatever you want, huh?
- Francis Geminiani: Mafia.
- Randy Hastings: You're a...
- Francis Geminiani: My father. That's why he hates company.
- Randy Hastings: You're father's a Godfather?
- Francis Geminiani: No! A hit man.
- Bunny Weinberger: [Herschel wheezing] He's got asthma. Stop it. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You want me to put ragweed in your room again?
- [Herschel stops wheezing]
- Lucille Pompi: Oh, Francis, you're gonna have to tell this in confession. One lie, one spreadin' scandal, dishonoring thy parents - will you stop scratchin' that rash, it's gonna make it worse - and misusing the trust of a neighbor lady and blaspheming a friend, no, two friends, dishonoring Harvard. That is going to cost you 12 stations of the cross.
- Bunny Weinberger: I wanna go for the culture look, today. You know, I wanna be refined. Respectable, yet, irresistible, you know, like Jackie O. Or, Princess Grace. Dolly Parton has the combo.
- Francis Geminiani: Look, I'm a slob! I'm turning into Herschel. That's no love handle. That's a hate handle!
- Francis Geminiani: I don't think I can say.
- Judith Hastings: Of course you can, Francis, say it.
- Francis Geminiani: I think I'm gay.
- Judith Hastings: What a minute, why don't we back up a bit. I said we're just alike, et cetera, and then you said tomorrow's your birthday, then I think you said that...
- Francis Geminiani: I think I'm gay!
- Judith Hastings: That's what I thought you said. Well, do you want to amplify? I mean, this is quite a change from those nights of ecstasy, clinging to each other's souls and bodies.
- Francis Geminiani: We balled! Big deal! That's what college kids are supposed to do. And twice in one semester isn't exactly the Kinsey quotient for healthy studhood.
- Francis Geminiani: Attractive people have never been interested in me. Not if they're sane! "Love enters through the eyes," that's Dante.
- Judith Hastings: Oh, yeah? Well, what does Dante know? He chased little girls.
- Mary O'Donnel: Look at her. No man would invite *that* into his house. She must have raped him!
- Bunny Weinberger: Oh! Oh, I would like to know how you rape a man when you're lying flat on your back?
- Mary O'Donnel: You honor, she's a vicious - and a lustful woman!
- Francis Geminiani: Yes, I've had these thoughts about guys before.
- Judith Hastings: Oh, I suppose we could swap secrets on how to pick up men. Well, what difference does it make? So, you have an eye for the boys. Well, so do I. It's just something else we can share.
- Bunny Weinberger: Watch it. Watch it, Miss Virgin Mary whore! A - I will take your 16 year old son up on his very interesting proposition. And number two, next time you come near me I'm gonna break your legs - not that you know how to use them according to your - eh - hubby.
- Lucille Pompi: Well, good Catholics have self control. My Francis to Mary Josephine, she used to work as Wannamakers before she married Christ, she would allow herself to go to the bathroom only twice a day. Now, I go to the bathroom more than that! Yet, I go to Mass more than once a week.
- Sam Weinberger: Bunny is young, Your Honor, in the heart. And everybody loves Bunny for staying young while they get older, inside, I mean. You have to make room, you know, you have to make exceptions for a young person and sometimes people don't want to do that. Oh, and sometimes a box of chocolates and some attention from a man can - can - oh, well, you know girls, your Honor. And she's the most loving and spirited girl I ever met. She just needs a little time to grow up. And growing up, Your Honor, that's real hard - for anybody.
- Bunny Weinberger: I want a kiss. I want a kiss from everybody, except Lucille. Oh, you. Oh, you, honey bunch! Oh, you, I could eat you. I was a knockout! I was a knockout next to that whiney, that lyin' Mary O'Donnell, that she attacked me to begin with, that I could have been ruptured for life. I said, I could have been ruptured for life. And she is a Catholic! A fuckin' Catholic's supposed to have self control. Ain't that right, Father?
- Randy Hastings: Gemini's are very secretive.
- Judith Hastings: Yeah, the sign of the twins. Two in one.
- Francis Geminiani: Look, I am attracted to a boy. You are not that boy. And, stop touching me so much.
- Judith Hastings: You're afraid. That's it! You're afraid someone's going to make demands on you you can't meet. That explains this fat and ugly nonsense and your sudden homosexual panic.
- Bunny Weinberger: So, you know, that Judge looked at me. You know what I mean? The Judge he could not keep his eyes off by boobs. You know what I mean? No, he could not! Here, feel it.
- Randy Hastings: Miss Weinberger!
- Bunny Weinberger: Feel it. Here, feel these grapes of mine.
- Bunny Weinberger: [singing] Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker, Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way, Two drifters, off to see the world, There's such a lot of world to see...
- Bunny Weinberger: You upset over somethin', hon? Would it be a man, by any circumstance?
- Judith Hastings: Maybe.
- Bunny Weinberger: You want my advice? Heat up the coke bottle. You know what I'm talkin' about? Because, men ain't worth shit!
- Francis Geminiani: Are you in love with me?
- Randy Hastings: Who said anything about love? Ever hear of lust?
- Lucille Pompi: Yeah, Nick and me had a long talk. There ain't been no girls around that house except to sell cookies. It's hard for a man to have a queer for a son, you know. I mean, I guess he'd rather he was queer than humpback or dead. Still, it's hard.
- Randy Hastings: All right, Judith, you want to know all the gritty details?
- Judith Hastings: Yes, I would, Randy. Blow by blow!
- Judith Hastings: Oh, sure. Nothing you do has anything to do with sex! You get to that point and then you're ugly or you're fat! Or you're gay!
- Randy Hastings: We can still like each other, can't we? I mean, liking doesn't have to include sex or love, does it?
- Francis Geminiani: It does according to Judith.
- Randy Hastings: You mean, if you won't go to bed with her, she won't...
- Francis Geminiani: Lay me or leave me, that's your sis.
- Bunny Weinberger: Lucille!
- Lucille Pompi: Yeah.
- Bunny Weinberger: What?
- Lucille Pompi: Yeah.
- Bunny Weinberger: You wanna try a few girlie things?
- Lucille Pompi: Yeah!
- Judith Hastings: Francis, I do care for you. Really. Even if we're only friends, we can still - relate. And I'm sorry if I've - eh - I'm just sorry, that's all.
- Bunny Weinberger: I don't care for opera that much. You know what I mean? Because - because it ain't, eh, you know, it ain't like - life. You know what I mean? It got all that screamin' in it.
- Bunny Weinberger: Herschel don't fall down.
- [Herschel falls down]
- Bunny Weinberger: Oh, shit! Get up! Get up! That suit costs me a fortune to clean! That goddamn chink charges me by the yard.