- Dr. Henry Heckyl: I'm afraid the transplant will have to wait until we can find a donor with two right feet.
- Dr. Henry Heckyl: [scaring away yet another girl] I could have taken her to a movie. To a Chinese restaurant. To a water bed motel.
- Lt. Mack Druck - 'Il Topo': Did he have one red eye, one green eye, hair like it was taken off a Halloween mask, and a nose like a half-eaten carrot?
- Mrs. Quivel: Yes. He's laying on my bed, making disgusting noises.
- Lt. Mack Druck - 'Il Topo': That's no monster, that's my podiatrist.
- Miss Finebum: Let's face it, we're probably immortal.
- Lt. Mack Druck - 'Il Topo': Why don't you shoot each other and find out.
- Mr. Hype: You get in my way again, squid brain, and you'll wish your mother had strangled you at birth.
- Lt. Mack Druck - 'Il Topo': She tried.
- [first lines]
- Dr. Henry Heckyl: I don't have to see the fear in their eyes, I can feel them cringing. I can feel them shrinking from my face. My one and only, old, unfortunate face. What they never see is the beauty behind my eyes. They only see the colors.
- Dr. Henry Heckyl: If only they knew me, they would love me. But they don't know me. They don't. So screw 'em!
- Dr. Henry Heckyl: First of all I'm going to give you a shot of zilophob. It will help suppress the pain I'm going to have to put you through.
- Lt. Mack Druck - 'Il Topo': I don't feel pain, I'm a cop.
- Bad William: [new cellmate] I'm Bad William. You free to stay, long as you don't step on my shadow, which is bigger than *you*.
- Dr. Lew Hoo: Miss Finebum! Have I not asked you again and again not to wear those provocative skirts in the office? I mean, do we really need a preview of the Straits of Gibraltar?
- Miss Finebum: Are you making a subtle pass at me, Doctor?
- Dr. Lew Hoo: Looking down your décolletage I can see all your vital statistics.
- Miss Finebum: I'll thank you to keep your eyes to yourself.