- Christine: As you all know, Vanessa is new to the show and Vanessa, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask me.
- Vanessa: There is something I wanted to ask you.
- Christine: Sure?
- Vanessa: How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?
- Christine: First they take some liquid and then they add some jello powder and some flour. Sometimes some soap and they dump it all over me.
- Vanessa: Where do they dump it from?
- Christine: Actually Vanessa, I've always wondered that too, but I just don't know.
- [green slime falls on Christine's head]
- Vanessa: Interesting. Is it always green like this?
- Christine: Well, yeah it usually is, but I guess it could be red.
- [red slime drops on Christine's head]
- Christine: Or... it could be blue.
- [blue slime drops on Christine's head]
- Christine: [getting annoyed] Or yellow.
- [yellow slime drops on Christine's head]
- Christine: Yep... Okay, you guys think you're so smart? Let's see stripes.
- [red, yellow, and blue slime falls on Christine's head]
- Vanessa: Boy, must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?
- Christine: Well, it usually washes out with water.
- [water falls on Christine's head]
- Christine: Usually.
- Announcer: [Announcing the preempted show] "Reading Rambo" will not be seen at this time because Rambo can't read.
- [repeated line from the exasperated teacher]
- Mr. Shidler: Where does the school board find them, and why do they keep sending them to me?
- Christine: [Sees Brodie come in wearing a baseball uniform, and carrying a violin on his shoulder as one would do a baseball bat] Hey Brodie, what's happening. You going to play baseball?
- Brodie: I was, but my dad cornered me and ordered me to go home and play my violin.
- Christine: Well, that's a drag. What are you going to do now?
- Brodie: Compromise.
- [Throws a ball in the air, then bats it with the violin]
- [repeated lines]
- Executioner: Ready! Aim!
- various cast members: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop the execution!
- Executioner: What is it this time?
- Valarie: [Valerie and Lance are sitting at the dining room table, Lance drinking a glass of scotch with the bottle next to him] Lance, I really think you're exaggerating. My mother doesn't hate you, dear.
- Lance: That's what you think.
- Valarie: Well Lance, if she hated you, she wouldn't have brought you that lovely bottle of scotch back from her trip to Inverness.
- Lance: Oh I admit that the bottle of scotch was very nice. I admit that, but it's what she brought Alasdair that proves she hates me!
- Valarie: [At that, Alasdar comes into the room playing a set of bagpipes badly, then grabs Lance's glass of scotch and leaves] You know, you may have a point there, dear.
- Mr. Shidler: [Everyone in class is playing an instrument badly] Hold it. Cut. CUT!
- [They stop]
- Mr. Shidler: You know, sometimes, I wish I were like Beethoven.
- Brodie: Is that so you can write beautiful music for us to play?
- Mr. Shidler: No! Beethoven was deaf.
- Brodie: Well I think that can be arrainged, sir.
- [They all start playing badly again, this time louder]
- Mr. Shidler: Now class, as we are going on a field trip, it's most important we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me, what are the four natural elements of the universe?
- [Lisa raises her hand]
- Mr. Shidler: Lisa?
- Lisa: Earth.
- Mr. Shidler: Right. That's one. Um, Kevin?
- Kevin: Uh, air.
- Mr. Shidler: That's right. That's two. Uh, Christine?
- Christine: Um, fire!
- Mr. Shidler: Right. And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?
- Vanessa: Yeah, but I'm not going to.
- Mr. Shidler: Well, Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.
- Vanessa: Well, either way, I get something dumped on me.
- [Gives in]
- Vanessa: Okay, water.
- [And you know the rest]
- Mr. Shidler: Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.
- Mother Nature: [Alasdair and Vanessa are dragging a piece of carpet through the woods]
- [Yelling at them]
- Mother Nature: Will you kids stop dragging that clean carpet through my muddy forest?
- Alasdair and Vanessa: [Together] Aww, but Mother Nature?
- Mother Nature: [Still yelling] And don't talk with your mouths empty!
- Alasdair and Vanessa: [Together] We're sorry.
- Mother Nature: [Still yelling] And stop being so polite!
- [Alsadair kicks her in the shin]
- Mother Nature: [Smiling, speaking pleasently] That's very good.
- Blip: [Vanessa enters the arcade with a large bear claw around her neck on a string. Blip stops her] Hold it kid.
- [Indicating the bear claw]
- Blip: What is this?
- Vanessa: It's my lucky bears foot. My dad got it for me on a hunting trip. It helps me win video games.
- Blip: Helps you win video games, eh? I'm soory kid, but you cannot come in here with that.
- Vanessa: Why not?
- Blip: Can't you read the sign?
- [Points to it]
- Blip: No 'bare' feet in the arcade.
- [Points towards the exit, and she leaves dejectedly]
- Lisa: [Sitting on her bed, talking sympathetically to her sleeping bag] Look, there's a lot of worse things you could be, other then a sleeping bag. Like, you could be a pillow, or even a pin cushion.
- Alasdair: [Comes in the bedroom and sees her] Uh, Lisa, what are you doing?
- Lisa: Well, trying to cheer up this sleeping bag.
- Alasdair: Well, why would you want to cheer up the sleeping bag?
- Lisa: Well, because my dad says it's a down sleeping bag.
- Alasdair: A 'down' sleeping bag, Vanessa?
- [Starts to leave]
- Alasdair: You need help. A lot of help.
- [Leaves the bedroom frantically]
- Christine: [Cut to the main set] Down. Boy is that ever bad! You know whoever writes this stuff really needs a holiday.
- Alasdair: There you are.
- Lisa: Alasdair what's wrong?
- Alasdair: Stephanie took my wallet.
- Lisa: How could she do something like that? She's so cute.
- Alasdair: Oh yeah.
- [Aladsair takes his wallet out of Stephanie's pocket]
- Alasdair: Ah-Ha! This proves that Stephanie took my wallet.
- Lisa: And my watch? Stephanie!
- Stephanie: Snake Eyes, when are you going to retire?
- Snake Eyes: Retire? Oh Stephanie, I ain't never gonna retire I'm gonna die at the wheel!
- Stephanie: But how can you be so sure of that?
- Snake Eyes: 'Cause we're gonna die right now - I'm drivin' off that cliff!
- Martin: Dad?
- Senator Lance Prevert: What?
- Martin: Would you write a note to my teacher explaining that our TV set is busted?
- Senator Lance Prevert: What? Our TV set isn't busted. Now, shut up Martin. I'm trying to watch the fight here.
- Martin: Dad, if our TV set isn't busted then I have to write a homework assignment about the opera that just started on PBS.
- Senator Lance Prevert: [takes out a note pad] What's your teacher's name?
- Mr. Shidler: Hmm? Well, isn't this a coincidence. Yeah all of you kids come from homes where the TV is busted.
- Doug: Mom, it's not fair. You love Lisa the best.
- Valerie: That's not true, Dougie, I love Alasdair the best and then Lisa, you are seventh.
- Doug: But mom, there are only four kids in this family...
- Valerie: Yes, Dougie, but I love the Neighbors' kids more than I love you.
- Doug: But the neighbors only have two kids...
- Valerie: Yes, Dougie, but I love their cat more than I love you.
- Mr. Shidler: [Lisa is yammering on to Christine about something and he's trying to get her attention] Lisa? Lisa?
- [Smacks her desk]
- Mr. Shidler: Lisa!
- Lisa: [Startled] What?
- Mr. Shidler: Lisa please, do not talk with your mouth open.
- Lisa: Sir, don't you mean "do not talk with your mouth full"?
- Mr. Shidler: No, I mean don't talk with your mouth open.
- Lisa: But how else am I supposed to talk?
- Mr. Shidler: Exactly!
- [the rest of the class applauds]
- Coach: [Corey pitches a bologna sandwich to Alasdair, who hits it with his baseball bat. The coach walks in blowing his whistle] All right. How many times do I have to tell you kids, don't play with your food.
- Alasdair: Alanis... I...
- Alanis: Yes, Alasdair?
- Alasdair: [voice cracking] Alanis... I...
- Alanis: YES, Alasdair?
- Alasdair: Alanis... If... if you won't go with me to the network party, I'm just going to have to kill myself, that's all.
- Alanis: Oh, Alasdair. How touching. I really want to help you. Okay.
- Alasdair: You'll come?
- Alanis: No, I'll go.
- Alasdair: You'll go? Great!
- Alanis: I'll go and get my father's gun.
- [repeated line]
- Jono: You mean you're gonna let me go? All right! Blue skies, fresh air, open horizons, Barthy burgers, girls!
- Christine: Oh, Alanis?
- Alanis: Yes, Christine?
- Christine: I'm having a party for Bruce Springsteen, you wanna come?
- Alanis: Bruce Springsteen! How do you know him?
- Christine: Well, I don't.
- Alanis: Then how can you have a party for him?
- Christine: You just buy some cheesies and soda pop and watch some videos, and voila.
- Alanis: But he won't be there.
- Christine: Well that's his loss, isn't it?
- [repeated line, after tricking the detention teacher]
- various cast members: Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself.
- [repeated line]
- various cast members: I don't know.
- [followed by the speaker being covered by green slime from above, the signature 'gag' of the series]
- Christine: [Ross comes onto the main set, playing a ukelele and singing. He gets on one knee near the cast all sitting there watching. Christine interrupts him] Ross, what are you doing?
- Ross: What do you mean 'what am I doing'? This is a ukelele. I'm telling you, everybody played a uke when I was a kid.
- Christine: Come on, Ross. Get with it man. Today's sounds are electronic. You know, guitar power?
- [the rest of the cast agrees]
- Ross: Oh, you mean like this?
- [Using the ukelele, he mimes playing an electric guitar for about 10 seconds, while the guitar solo break from Heart's 'Magic Man' is used. When he stops, he shakes his head]
- Ross: Nope. I don't like it.
- [Gets up and walks off playing the ukelele as he did before and singing]
- Christine: Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television. Another in a long series of sour notes.
- Mr. Shidler: [Catches Brodie trying to sneak into class] You're late again. Thought you could sneak past me, Osome?
- Brodie: No sir.
- Mr. Shidler: Listen. do you have a note from your father?
- Brodie: Yeah.
- [singing loudly]
- Brodie: MMMMIIIIII!
- Mr. Shidler: [Clearing out his ear] Whoo. You got me that time, kid. You're lucky your father is an operatic star.
- Mr. Shidler: Attention, can anyone tell me what the three 'B's are?
- [Underlines an upper-case B on the blackboard. Brodie raises his hand]
- Mr. Shidler: Brodie?
- Brodie: The Boss, the Beatles, and the Beach Boys.
- Lisa: No. It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult, and the B52s. Yeah.
- Justin: No no no. How classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three 'B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms.
- Mr. Shidler: Wrong! You're all wrong. The three 'B's are the worker, the drone and the queen 'bee'.
- [Draws two small 'e's next to the 'B']
- Mr. Shidler: This is a science class. You forgot. you kids have nothing but music on your minds.
- [They all start humming, and Mr. Shidler joins in]
- Christine: So tell me Lisa, did you enjoy your trip to the Grand Canyon?
- Lisa: Oh I sure did, and Moose the whole time I was there, I couldn't help thinking of you.
- Christine: Oh, really? Well that's nice. What made you think of me?
- Lisa: Well, you and the Grand Canyon are so very much alike. Shallow and dirty, and most of all, very very wide at the bottom.
- [Stomps her feet and giggles]
- Christine: You know Lisa, when you were talking about the Grand Canyon before?
- Lisa: Yeah?
- Christine: Well, you remind me of the Colorado River. That's the river that runs through the Grand Canyon.
- Lisa: Oh, you mean I'm miracle and romantic?
- Christine: [laughs] No. You're wet, twisted, loud, and you run on forever.
- [laughs and stomps her feet, stepping on Lisa's foot]
- Alasdair: Hay Vanessa?
- Vanessa: Yeah Alasdair?
- Alasdair: Teddy Roosevelt was a famous sportsman, and Ernest Hemingway was a famous hunter. Can you name a famous camper?
- Vanessa: Yeah, my parent's Winnebago.
- Lisa: [Pops out of her locker] You know, how can you let Vanessa answer any more of these questions? Her jokes are terrible.
- Vanessa: I wouldn't talk, Lisa.
- Christine: [Pops out of her locker] That's all she can do.
- [Goes back in]
- Announcer: [announcing the show that's been pre-empted] The A-Team makes one cup of coffee last five hours will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you a show for people with lots of time on their hands and nothing better to do.
- Dungeon Guard: All right Kubusheskie tell me... How long are you going to keep me chained up in here?
- Kevin: 10 years or maybe 20. Who knows?
- Brodie: Dad! Did you tell Christine that she could take the car out?
- Senator Lance Prevert: Yes, why?
- Brodie: But Christine can't drive. She's a girl! In fact, just now she...
- Senator Lance Prevert: I don't want to hear it! Christine has every right to take out the car as you boys do.
- Brodie: Okay, I guess that's fair. It's just... next time, tell her that she should open the garage door first.
- Senator Lance Prevert: I will.
- [Brodie exits as Senator Prevert continues watching TV until his eyes open wide]
- Senator Lance Prevert: What?
- Christine: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time we've ever had twins on the show, so I'd like to introduce you to them.
- [Pointing to Korbett]
- Christine: This is Kyle,
- [pointing to Kyle]
- Christine: and this is Korbett.
- Kyle: No I'm Kyle.
- [Points to Korbett]
- Kyle: He's Korbett.
- Christine: Oh, I'm sorry. Incidentally, how do people tell you apart?
- Kyle, Korbett: [Together, each pointing to the other] Easy. He's the ugly one.
- Christine: Jeez, I'm sorry I asked.
- Christine: Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That on Television, a show that is quickly becoming a matter of questionable taste.
- Christine: Hi, and welcome to another pailful episode of You Can't Do That on Television, the show that has nothing to fear from infection because it couldn't get any sicker then it already is.
- Christine: Lisa, why are you drinking all that water?
- Lisa: Well, remember last year at summer camp?
- Christine: Oh, do I? With the hard beds, and the cruel counselors, and all the black flies, and all the mosquito bites we got!
- Lisa: Well, right, so mom told me that I can't go if I don't stop wetting the bed. Soooo.
- [Christine gets it, grabs a glass, drinks it, then along with Lisa, pours the rest in her bed]