Terry Jones: Dennis's Mother, Sir Bedevere, Knight of Camelot, Left Head, Prince Herbert, Voice of Cartoon Scribe
Photos
Quotes
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Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot : My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot : To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot : Blue.
Bridgekeeper : Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot : Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin : That's easy.
Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your name?
Sir Robin : Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Sir Robin : To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin : I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin : Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper : Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad : Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Galahad : I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad : Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad : auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper : Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur : It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
King Arthur : To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur : What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper : Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper : Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere : How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur : Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
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King Arthur : I am your king.
Woman : Well, I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur : You don't vote for kings.
Woman : Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
King Arthur : The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis : [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
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Sir Bedevere : What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3 : Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere : A newt?
Peasant 3 : [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.
Crowd : [shouts] Burn her anyway!
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Sir Bedevere : There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1 : Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere : Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1 : Burn them.
Sir Bedevere : And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1 : More witches.
Peasant 2 : Wood.
Sir Bedevere : Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3 : ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere : Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1 : Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere : But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1 : Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere : Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1 : No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere : No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1 : Bread.
Peasant 2 : Apples.
Peasant 3 : Very small rocks.
Peasant 1 : Cider.
Peasant 2 : Gravy.
Peasant 3 : Cherries.
Peasant 1 : Mud.
Peasant 2 : Churches.
Peasant 3 : Lead! Lead!
King Arthur : A Duck.
Sir Bedevere : ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1 : If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere : And therefore...
Peasant 2 : ...A witch!
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The Witch : I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
Sir Bedevere : But you are dressed as one!
The Witch : *They* dressed me up like this!
Crowd : We didn't! We didn't...
The Witch : And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
Sir Bedevere : [lifts up her false nose] Well?
Peasant 1 : Well, we did do the nose.
Sir Bedevere : The nose?
Peasant 1 : And the hat, but she is a witch!
Crowd : Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!
Sir Bedevere : Did you dress her up like this?
Peasant 1 : No!
Peasant 3 : No!
Peasant 1 : No!
Peasant 1 : Yes!
Peasant 2 : Yes!
Peasant 1 : Yeah, a bit.
Peasant 3 : A bit!
Peasant 1 , Peasant 2 : A bit!
Peasant 2 : A bit!
Peasant 1 : But she has got a wart!
Random Person in the crowd : [coughs]
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Woman : Oh. How do you do?
King Arthur : How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?
Woman : King of the who?
King Arthur : King of the Britons.
Woman : Who are the Britons?
King Arthur : Well, we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king.
Woman : I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis : You're foolin' yourself! We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...
Woman : Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Dennis : Well, that's what it's all about! If only people would...
King Arthur : Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Woman : No one lives there.
King Arthur : Then who is your lord?
Woman : We don't have a lord.
Dennis : I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive officer for the week...
King Arthur : Yes...
Dennis : ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
King Arthur : Yes I see...
Dennis : ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
King Arthur : Be quiet!
Dennis : ...but by a two thirds majority in the case of...
King Arthur : Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman : Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
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King of Swamp Castle : We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
Prince Herbert : But I don't like her.
King of Swamp Castle : Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
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Sir Bedevere : ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
King Arthur : This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
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King Arthur : [about the inscription on the rock] What does it say, Brother Maynard?
Brother Maynard : It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... "
King Arthur : What?
Brother Maynard : "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"
Sir Bedevere : What is that?
Brother Maynard : He must have died while carving it.
King Arthur : Oh come on!
Brother Maynard : Well, that's what it says.
King Arthur : Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.
Sir Galahad : Maybe he was dictating it.
King Arthur : Oh shut up!
Sir Robin : Well does it say anything else?
Brother Maynard : No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".
[knights making groaning sounds]
Sir Bedevere : Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?
Sir Galahad : Where's that?
Sir Bedevere : France, I think.
Sir Lancelot : Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?
King Arthur : No that's Saint "Ives".
Sir Lancelot : Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"!
[All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"]
Sir Bedevere : Whooooouuuuaaa!
Sir Lancelot : No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.
Sir Bedevere : No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.
Sir Lancelot : Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"
Sir Bedevere : Yes, that's it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
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Sir Galahad : Zoot!
Dingo : No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
[He tried to get past her]
Dingo : Where are you going?
Sir Galahad : I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
Dingo : Oh, no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
Sir Galahad : What is it?
Dingo : Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is Grail shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
Sir Galahad : It's not the real Grail?
Dingo : Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person, and she must pay the penalty!
[Turns to camera]
Dingo : Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now we're glad! It's better than some of the previous scenes I think.
Left Head : At least ours was better visually.
Dennis : At least ours was committed, it wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.
Bridgekeeper : Get on with it.
Tim : Yes! Get on with it!
Army : Yeah! Get on with it!
Dingo : Oh, I am enjoying this scene!
God : Get on with it!
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King Arthur : NI.
Sir Bedevere : NOU.
King Arthur : No, NI.
Sir Bedevere : NOU.
King Arthur : No No, NI... NI.
Sir Bedevere : No,No,No,No... NI.
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[the King gestures to the window]
King of Swamp Castle : One day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert : What, the curtains?
King of Swamp Castle : No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see stretched out over the valleys and the hills! That'll be your kingdom, lad.
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Sir Lancelot : [Bursts into the Prince's room and kneels before him after killing the guards] Oh, fair one, behold, I am you humble servant Sir Launcelot. I have come to take
[looks up and realizes that he is kneeling before an effeminate Prince, not a Princess]
Sir Lancelot : Oh, I'm terribly sorry!
Prince Herbert : You got my note!
Sir Lancelot : Uh, well, I got a note.
Prince Herbert : You've come to rescue me! I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone who
[Music swells]
King of Swamp Castle : Stop that! Stop it! Stop it!
[Music stops]
King of Swamp Castle : Who are you?
Prince Herbert : I'm your son!
King of Swamp Castle : No, not you!
Sir Lancelot : I am Sir Launcelot, sir.
Prince Herbert : He's come to rescue me, father!
Sir Lancelot : Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
King of Swamp Castle : Did you kill all those guards?
Sir Lancelot : Um... oh, yes! Sorry.
King of Swamp Castle : They cost fifty pounds each!
Sir Lancelot : Well, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
King of Swamp Castle : Well, I can understand that.
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Wedding Guest : Look! The dead prince!
Concorde : He's not quite dead.
Prince Herbert : Oh, I feel much better.
King of Swamp Castle : You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!
Prince Herbert : I was saved at the last minute.
King of Swamp Castle : How?
Prince Herbert : Well, I'll tell you.
[music begins playing, the townspeople begin dancing and singing, "He's going to tell, he's going to tell!"]
King of Swamp Castle : Not like that, not like that! No! Stop it! Nooo!
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Prince Herbert : But Mother...
King of Swamp Castle : Father, I'm Father.
Prince Herbert : But Father...
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Sir Bedevere : Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise - not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
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[last lines]
King Arthur : [Arthur and Bedevere have found out that the Holy Grail is in Castle Augh, which is guarded by the frenchmen] We shall attack at once.
Sir Bedevere : Yes, my liege.
[an army of hundreds of soldiers appears]
King Arthur : [to Castle Augh] French persons, today the blood of many a brave knight shall be avenged! In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till every one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those who God Himself has chosen!
[turns to army]
King Arthur : Charge!
[the army charges forward, but is stopped by the police and the historian's wife]
Historian's Wife : [points to Arthur] It's that one, I'm sure!
[the police arrest Arthur and Bedevere]
Policeman : [turns to cameraman] All right, sonny, that's enough, just take off.
[turns off camera]
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Left Head : Halt! Who art thou?
Minstrel : [sings] He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who...
Sir Robin : Shut up! Nobody really, just passing through.
Left Head : What do you want?
Minstrel : [sings] To fight and...
Sir Robin : Shut up! Uh, n-n-nothing, really. J-j-just passing, uhm, just passing through.
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King Arthur : What happens now?
Sir Bedevere : Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Galahad and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit taking the French by surprise. Not only by surprise but totally unarmed!
King Arthur : Who leaps out?
Sir Bedevere : Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I... Leap out of the rabbit, and...
[Lancelot and Arthur put their heads in their hands]
Sir Bedevere : Um, look, if we built this large wooden badger...
[Arthur hits Bedevere on the head]
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Woman : Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here!
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Left Head : Quick, get the sword out. I want to cut his head off.
Right Head : Cut your own head off.
Middle Head : Yes, do us all a favor.
Left Head : What?
Right Head : Yapping on all the time.
Middle Head : [to the Right Head] You're lucky you're not next to him.
Left Head : What do you mean?
Middle Head : [to the Left Head] You snore.
Left Head : [to the Middle Head] Ooh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.
Middle Head : [to the Left Head] Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.
Right Head : Oh, stop bitching and let's go and have tea.
Left Head : All right! We'll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits.
Middle Head : Yes.
Right Head : Not biscuits.
Left Head : Alright, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.
Left Head , Right Head , Middle Head : Right.
[They see that Sir Robin is gone]
