Eric Idle: Dead Collector, Peasant 1, Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-as-Sir Launcelot, Knight of Camelot, First Swamp Castle Guard, Concorde, Roger the Shrubber, Brother Maynard
Photos
Quotes
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Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot : My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot : To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot : Blue.
Bridgekeeper : Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot : Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin : That's easy.
Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your name?
Sir Robin : Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Sir Robin : To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin : I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin : Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper : Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad : Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Galahad : I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad : Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad : auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper : Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur : It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
King Arthur : To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur : What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper : Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper : Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere : How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur : Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
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[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]
King Arthur : How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot : I know not, my liege.
King Arthur : Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard : Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric : [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu...
Brother Maynard : Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric : And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard : Amen.
All : Amen.
King Arthur : Right. One... two... five!
Galahad : Three, sir.
King Arthur : Three!
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Sir Bedevere : There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1 : Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere : Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1 : Burn them.
Sir Bedevere : And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1 : More witches.
Peasant 2 : Wood.
Sir Bedevere : Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3 : ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere : Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1 : Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere : But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1 : Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere : Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1 : No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere : No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1 : Bread.
Peasant 2 : Apples.
Peasant 3 : Very small rocks.
Peasant 1 : Cider.
Peasant 2 : Gravy.
Peasant 3 : Cherries.
Peasant 1 : Mud.
Peasant 2 : Churches.
Peasant 3 : Lead! Lead!
King Arthur : A Duck.
Sir Bedevere : ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1 : If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere : And therefore...
Peasant 2 : ...A witch!
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King of Swamp Castle : Guards, make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
Guard #1 : Not to leave the room... even if you come and get him.
Guard #2 : [hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle : No, no. *Until* I come and get him.
Guard #1 : Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
King of Swamp Castle : No, no, no. You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave.
Guard #1 : And you'll come and get him.
Guard #2 : [hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle : Right.
Guard #1 : We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
King of Swamp Castle : No, no. *Leaving* the room.
Guard #1 : Leaving the room, yes.
King of Swamp Castle : All right?
Guard #2 : [hiccups]
Guard #1 : Right. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we... oh, if... oh...
King of Swamp Castle : Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?
Guard #2 : [hiccups]
Guard #1 : Oh, I remember, uh, can he leave the room with us?
King of Swamp Castle : No, no, no, no, you just keep him in here, and make sure...
Guard #1 : Oh yeah, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave, and we were with him...
King of Swamp Castle : No, just keep him in here...
Guard #1 : Until you, or anyone else...
King of Swamp Castle : No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard #1 : Just you.
Guard #2 : [hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle : Get back.
Guard #1 : Get back.
King of Swamp Castle : All right?
Guard #1 : Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
King of Swamp Castle : And make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1 : What?
King of Swamp Castle : Make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1 : The prince?
King of Swamp Castle : Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.
Guard #1 : Oh, yes, of course.
[Points at Guard #2]
Guard #1 : I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me I were to guard him when he's a guard.
King of Swamp Castle : Is that clear?
Guard #2 : [hiccups]
Guard #1 : Oh, quite clear. No problems.
King of Swamp Castle : Right.
[King of Swamp Castle turns to leave the room, both guards follow him]
King of Swamp Castle : Where are you going?
Guard #1 : We're coming with you.
King of Swamp Castle : No, no, no. I want you to stay here and make sure *he* doesn't leave.
Guard #1 : Oh, I see. Right.
-
Minstrel : [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away...
Sir Robin : No!
Minstrel : [singing] bravely ran away away...
Sir Robin : I didn't!
Minstrel : [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin : I never did!
Minstrel : [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
Sir Robin : Oh, you liars!
Minstrel : [singing] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.
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Large Man with Dead Body : Who's that then?
The Dead Collector : I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body : Why?
The Dead Collector : He hasn't got shit all over him.
-
Minstrel : [singing] He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off And his penis...
Sir Robin : That's enough music for now, lads.
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Tim : There he is!
King Arthur : Where?
Tim : There!
King Arthur : What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim : It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur : You silly sod!
Tim : What?
King Arthur : You got us all worked up!
Tim : Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur : Ohh.
Tim : That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin : You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim : Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad : Get stuffed!
Tim : He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad : Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin : You manky Scots git!
Tim : I'm warning you!
Sir Robin : What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim : He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur : Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors : Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
-
The Dead Collector : Bring out yer dead.
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body : Here's one.
The Dead Collector : That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector : What?
Large Man with Dead Body : Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector : 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body : Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not.
The Dead Collector : He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body : Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body : No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector : Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body : Oh, don't be such a baby.
The Dead Collector : I can't take him.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body : Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector : I can't.
Large Man with Dead Body : Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The Dead Collector : I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body : Well, when's your next round?
The Dead Collector : Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I think I'll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body : You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I feel happy. I feel happy.
[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large Man with Dead Body : Ah, thank you very much.
The Dead Collector : Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large Man with Dead Body : Right.
-
The Witch : I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
Sir Bedevere : But you are dressed as one!
The Witch : *They* dressed me up like this!
Crowd : We didn't! We didn't...
The Witch : And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
Sir Bedevere : [lifts up her false nose] Well?
Peasant 1 : Well, we did do the nose.
Sir Bedevere : The nose?
Peasant 1 : And the hat, but she is a witch!
Crowd : Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!
Sir Bedevere : Did you dress her up like this?
Peasant 1 : No!
Peasant 3 : No!
Peasant 1 : No!
Peasant 1 : Yes!
Peasant 2 : Yes!
Peasant 1 : Yeah, a bit.
Peasant 3 : A bit!
Peasant 1 , Peasant 2 : A bit!
Peasant 2 : A bit!
Peasant 1 : But she has got a wart!
Random Person in the crowd : [coughs]
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King Arthur : [about the inscription on the rock] What does it say, Brother Maynard?
Brother Maynard : It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... "
King Arthur : What?
Brother Maynard : "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"
Sir Bedevere : What is that?
Brother Maynard : He must have died while carving it.
King Arthur : Oh come on!
Brother Maynard : Well, that's what it says.
King Arthur : Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.
Sir Galahad : Maybe he was dictating it.
King Arthur : Oh shut up!
Sir Robin : Well does it say anything else?
Brother Maynard : No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".
[knights making groaning sounds]
Sir Bedevere : Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?
Sir Galahad : Where's that?
Sir Bedevere : France, I think.
Sir Lancelot : Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?
King Arthur : No that's Saint "Ives".
Sir Lancelot : Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"!
[All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"]
Sir Bedevere : Whooooouuuuaaa!
Sir Lancelot : No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.
Sir Bedevere : No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.
Sir Lancelot : Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"
Sir Bedevere : Yes, that's it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
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Minstrel : [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...
Sir Robin : That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot.
-
[Concorde has just been shot in the chest with an arrow bearing a message]
Concorde : Message for you, sir.
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Wedding Guest : Look! The dead prince!
Concorde : He's not quite dead.
Prince Herbert : Oh, I feel much better.
King of Swamp Castle : You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!
Prince Herbert : I was saved at the last minute.
King of Swamp Castle : How?
Prince Herbert : Well, I'll tell you.
[music begins playing, the townspeople begin dancing and singing, "He's going to tell, he's going to tell!"]
King of Swamp Castle : Not like that, not like that! No! Stop it! Nooo!
-
Roger the Shrubber : Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
King Arthur : Um, yes.
Roger the Shrubber : Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.
King Arthur : Did you say shrubberies?
Roger the Shrubber : Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
-
[from trailer]
American Narrator : [over a sweeping shot of mountains] Once in a lifetime, there comes a motion picture which changes the whole history of motion pictures. A picture so stunning in its effect, so vast in its impact that it profoundly affects the lives of all who see it.
[dissolve to footage of King Arthur knighting Dennis]
American Narrator : One such film is...
Voice Director : [dismissively, trailer pauses] Very good, thank you. Yes, thank you. Next, please.
[trailer rewinds]
Slow-Witted Narrator : [trailer footage restarts] Once. In a. Life... time. There comes a... moh-tion pic-ture. Which... changes the 'hole... 'istory of moh... tion pictures. Eh...
Voice Director : [trailer pauses] Yes, thank you. Next!
[trailer rewinds]
Gumby Narrator : [shouts as trailer footage restarts] ONCE! IN A! LIFETIME!
Voice Director : [annoyed] Go away!
Gumby Narrator : [shocked] What?
Voice Director : Next!
Gumby Narrator : What's wrong with my voice? My voice is alright, my brain is wrong...
Asian Narrator : [trailer footage restarts, subtitled] Once in a lifetime there comes a motion picture which changes the whole history of motion pictures...
Voice Director : [pleased] That's more like it!
Asian Narrator : One such film is Kurosawa's "The Seven Samurai". Another was "Ivan the Terrible". Then there are more run-of-the-mill films like... "Herbie Rides Again", "La Notte", and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".
[the castle model behind Arthur and Dennis falls over. Arthur unexpectedly runs Dennis through with his sword]
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Sir Robin : Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
King Arthur : Oh shut up and go and change your armour.
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Left Head : Halt! Who art thou?
Minstrel : [sings] He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who...
Sir Robin : Shut up! Nobody really, just passing through.
Left Head : What do you want?
Minstrel : [sings] To fight and...
Sir Robin : Shut up! Uh, n-n-nothing, really. J-j-just passing, uhm, just passing through.
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The Dead Collector : Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Peasant 3 : Here you are, here's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not dead!
The Dead Collector : Hang on, he says he's not dead!
Peasant 3 : Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not!
-
The Dead Collector : Who's that then?
Large Man with Dead Body : I don't know. Must be a King.
The Dead Collector : Why?
Large Man with Dead Body : He hasn't got shit all over him.
