John Cleese: Second Swallow-Savvy Guard, The Black Knight, Peasant 3, Sir Launcelot the Brave, Knight of Camelot, Taunting French Guard, Tim the Enchanter
Photos
Quotes
-
Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot : My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot : To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot : Blue.
Bridgekeeper : Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot : Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin : That's easy.
Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your name?
Sir Robin : Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Sir Robin : To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin : I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin : Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper : Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad : Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
Galahad : I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad : Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad : auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper : Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur : It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest?
King Arthur : To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper : What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur : What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper : Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper : Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere : How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur : Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
-
Sir Bedevere : What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3 : Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere : A newt?
Peasant 3 : [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.
Crowd : [shouts] Burn her anyway!
-
[after slicing one of the Black Knight's arms off]
King Arthur : Now stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight : 'Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur : A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight : No, it isn't.
King Arthur : What's that, then?
Black Knight : [after a pause] I've had worse.
King Arthur : You liar!
Black Knight : Come on, you pansy!
-
Sir Lancelot : [Sir Galahad the Chaste is being seduced by an entire castle full of young women] We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad : I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot : Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad : Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot : No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad : Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot : No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad : Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot : No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad : I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot : Am not.
-
French Soldier : I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
-
[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]
King Arthur : How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot : I know not, my liege.
King Arthur : Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard : Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric : [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu...
Brother Maynard : Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric : And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard : Amen.
All : Amen.
King Arthur : Right. One... two... five!
Galahad : Three, sir.
King Arthur : Three!
-
Sir Bedevere : There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1 : Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere : Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1 : Burn them.
Sir Bedevere : And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1 : More witches.
Peasant 2 : Wood.
Sir Bedevere : Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3 : ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere : Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1 : Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere : But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1 : Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere : Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1 : No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere : No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1 : Bread.
Peasant 2 : Apples.
Peasant 3 : Very small rocks.
Peasant 1 : Cider.
Peasant 2 : Gravy.
Peasant 3 : Cherries.
Peasant 1 : Mud.
Peasant 2 : Churches.
Peasant 3 : Lead! Lead!
King Arthur : A Duck.
Sir Bedevere : ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1 : If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere : And therefore...
Peasant 2 : ...A witch!
-
King Arthur : Can we come up and have a look?
French Soldier : Of course not. You're English types.
King Arthur : What are you then?
French Soldier : I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
Sir Galahad : What are you doing in England?
French Soldier : Mind your own business.
-
Large Man with Dead Body : Who's that then?
The Dead Collector : I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body : Why?
The Dead Collector : He hasn't got shit all over him.
-
King Arthur : [after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms] Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Black Knight : Yes I have.
King Arthur : Look!
Black Knight : It's just a flesh wound.
-
Tim : There he is!
King Arthur : Where?
Tim : There!
King Arthur : What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim : It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur : You silly sod!
Tim : What?
King Arthur : You got us all worked up!
Tim : Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur : Ohh.
Tim : That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin : You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim : Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad : Get stuffed!
Tim : He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad : Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin : You manky Scots git!
Tim : I'm warning you!
Sir Robin : What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim : He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur : Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors : Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
-
Sir Lancelot : Look, my liege!
[trumpets play a fanfare as the camera cuts briefly to the sight of a majestic castle]
King Arthur : [in awe] Camelot!
Sir Galahad : [in awe] Camelot!
Sir Lancelot : [in awe] Camelot!
Patsy : [derisively] It's only a model!
King Arthur : Shh!
-
[King Arthur has just cut the Black Knight's last leg off]
Black Knight : All right, we'll call it a draw.
King Arthur : [Preparing to leave] Come, Patsy.
[King Arthur and Patsy ride off]
Black Knight : [calling after King Arthur] Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
-
King Arthur : Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
French Soldier : Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
King Arthur : What?
Sir Galahad : He said they've already got one!
King Arthur : Are you sure he's got one?
French Soldier : Oh yes, it's very nice!
-
The Dead Collector : Bring out yer dead.
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body : Here's one.
The Dead Collector : That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector : What?
Large Man with Dead Body : Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector : 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body : Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not.
The Dead Collector : He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body : Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body : No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector : Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body : Oh, don't be such a baby.
The Dead Collector : I can't take him.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body : Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector : I can't.
Large Man with Dead Body : Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The Dead Collector : I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body : Well, when's your next round?
The Dead Collector : Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I think I'll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body : You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I feel happy. I feel happy.
[the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large Man with Dead Body : Ah, thank you very much.
The Dead Collector : Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large Man with Dead Body : Right.
-
[the Black Knight continues to threaten Arthur despite getting both his arms and one of his legs cut off]
Black Knight : Right, I'll do you for that!
King Arthur : You'll what?
Black Knight : Come here!
King Arthur : What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Black Knight : I'm invincible!
King Arthur : ...You're a loony.
-
The Witch : I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
Sir Bedevere : But you are dressed as one!
The Witch : *They* dressed me up like this!
Crowd : We didn't! We didn't...
The Witch : And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
Sir Bedevere : [lifts up her false nose] Well?
Peasant 1 : Well, we did do the nose.
Sir Bedevere : The nose?
Peasant 1 : And the hat, but she is a witch!
Crowd : Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!
Sir Bedevere : Did you dress her up like this?
Peasant 1 : No!
Peasant 3 : No!
Peasant 1 : No!
Peasant 1 : Yes!
Peasant 2 : Yes!
Peasant 1 : Yeah, a bit.
Peasant 3 : A bit!
Peasant 1 , Peasant 2 : A bit!
Peasant 2 : A bit!
Peasant 1 : But she has got a wart!
Random Person in the crowd : [coughs]
-
King Arthur : You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[the Black Knight doesn't respond]
King Arthur : I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[no response]
King Arthur : I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot.
[no response]
King Arthur : You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
[no response]
King Arthur : You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy!
[attempts to get around the Black Knight]
Black Knight : None shall pass.
King Arthur : What?
Black Knight : None shall pass!
King Arthur : I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight : Then you shall die.
King Arthur : I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight : I move for no man.
King Arthur : So be it!
[they fight until Arthur cuts off Black Knight's left arm]
King Arthur : Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight : 'Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur : A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight : No, it isn't!
King Arthur : Well, what's that then?
King Arthur : I've had worse.
King Arthur : You liar!
Black Knight : Come on, you pansy!
[they fight again. Arthur cuts off the Knight's right arm]
King Arthur : Victory is mine!
[kneels to pray]
King Arthur : We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy -
[cut off by the Knight kicking him]
Black Knight : Come on, then.
King Arthur : What?
Black Knight : Have at you!
King Arthur : You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!
Black Knight : Oh, had enough, eh?
King Arthur : Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!
-
King Arthur : What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
Tim : I... am an enchanter.
King Arthur : By what name are you known?
Tim : There are some who call me... Tim?
-
Sir Galahad : Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
French Soldier : No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
-
Tim : Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it... and lived! BONES of full fifty men lie *strewn* about its lair! So! Brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth...
[Makes fangs with his fingers and holds them in front of his mouth]
King Arthur : What an eccentric performance.
-
King Arthur : [about the inscription on the rock] What does it say, Brother Maynard?
Brother Maynard : It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... "
King Arthur : What?
Brother Maynard : "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"
Sir Bedevere : What is that?
Brother Maynard : He must have died while carving it.
King Arthur : Oh come on!
Brother Maynard : Well, that's what it says.
King Arthur : Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.
Sir Galahad : Maybe he was dictating it.
King Arthur : Oh shut up!
Sir Robin : Well does it say anything else?
Brother Maynard : No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".
[knights making groaning sounds]
Sir Bedevere : Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?
Sir Galahad : Where's that?
Sir Bedevere : France, I think.
Sir Lancelot : Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?
King Arthur : No that's Saint "Ives".
Sir Lancelot : Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"!
[All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"]
Sir Bedevere : Whooooouuuuaaa!
Sir Lancelot : No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.
Sir Bedevere : No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.
Sir Lancelot : Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"
Sir Bedevere : Yes, that's it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
-
Sir Galahad : Zoot!
Dingo : No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
[He tried to get past her]
Dingo : Where are you going?
Sir Galahad : I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
Dingo : Oh, no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
Sir Galahad : What is it?
Dingo : Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is Grail shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
Sir Galahad : It's not the real Grail?
Dingo : Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person, and she must pay the penalty!
[Turns to camera]
Dingo : Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now we're glad! It's better than some of the previous scenes I think.
Left Head : At least ours was better visually.
Dennis : At least ours was committed, it wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.
Bridgekeeper : Get on with it.
Tim : Yes! Get on with it!
Army : Yeah! Get on with it!
Dingo : Oh, I am enjoying this scene!
God : Get on with it!
-
French Soldier : You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.
-
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Am I right?
King Arthur : I'm not interested!
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard : It could be carried by an African swallow.
King Arthur : Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds : Oh yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard : But then the African swallow's not migratory...
-
French Soldier : - "I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters"
-
King of Swamp Castle : You only killed the bride's father, you know.
Sir Lancelot : Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle : Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head.
Sir Lancelot : Oh dear... is he all right?
-
French Soldier : Un cadeau.
Other French soldiers : A what?
French Soldier : A present.
Other French soldiers : Oh. Un cadeau. Oui oui.
French Soldier : Allons y!
Other French soldiers : What?
French Soldier : Let's go!
Other French soldiers : Oh.
-
[after Bors is killed by the killer rabbit]
Tim : I *warned* you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you *knew*, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little *bunny*, isn't it?
-
Sir Lancelot : [Bursts into the Prince's room and kneels before him after killing the guards] Oh, fair one, behold, I am you humble servant Sir Launcelot. I have come to take
[looks up and realizes that he is kneeling before an effeminate Prince, not a Princess]
Sir Lancelot : Oh, I'm terribly sorry!
Prince Herbert : You got my note!
Sir Lancelot : Uh, well, I got a note.
Prince Herbert : You've come to rescue me! I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone who
[Music swells]
King of Swamp Castle : Stop that! Stop it! Stop it!
[Music stops]
King of Swamp Castle : Who are you?
Prince Herbert : I'm your son!
King of Swamp Castle : No, not you!
Sir Lancelot : I am Sir Launcelot, sir.
Prince Herbert : He's come to rescue me, father!
Sir Lancelot : Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
King of Swamp Castle : Did you kill all those guards?
Sir Lancelot : Um... oh, yes! Sorry.
King of Swamp Castle : They cost fifty pounds each!
Sir Lancelot : Well, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
King of Swamp Castle : Well, I can understand that.
-
French Soldier : You don't frighten us with your silly knees-bent running around advancing behavior!
-
The Dead Collector : Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Peasant 3 : Here you are, here's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not dead!
The Dead Collector : Hang on, he says he's not dead!
Peasant 3 : Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not!
-
Sir Galahad the Pure : Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
Dingo : Yes! yes! Let him tackle us single-handedly!
Girls of the Castles : Yes! Yes! Let him tackle us single-handedly!
Sir Launcelot the Brave : Come, Sir Galahad, quickly!
Sir Galahad the Pure : No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!
Dingo : Oh, yes! Yes! Let him handle us easily.
Girls of the Castles : Let him handle us easily!
Sir Launcelot the Brave : No sir. Quick!
Sir Galahad the Pure : No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them.
Dingo : Yes! Yes! He'll beat us easily. We haven't a chance!
Dingo , Girls of the Castles : We haven't a chance! We haven't a chance!
Dingo : [Sir Launcelot and Sir Galahad depart] Oh! Oh shit!
-
King Arthur : In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle.
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard : No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
-
The Dead Collector : Who's that then?
Large Man with Dead Body : I don't know. Must be a King.
The Dead Collector : Why?
Large Man with Dead Body : He hasn't got shit all over him.
-
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard : Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets of your testicles already!
-
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard : Remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk!
-
King Arthur : [arriving at Castle Aaaauuuggghhhh with Bedevere] Almighty God, we thank thee, that thou has vouchsafed to us the most holy...
[a sheep is fired at them with a catapult]
King Arthur : JESUS CHRIST!
French Soldier : Hello, stuffy English k-nig-hts and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time.
King Arthur : How dare you profane this place with your presence? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle to which God himself has guided us.
French Soldier : How you English say? One more time, I unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser!
