Blazing Saddles (1974)

Slim Pickens: Taggart

Photos 

Quotes 

• Taggart : What do you want me to do, sir?

  Hedley Lamarr : I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down.

  [Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks] 

  Hedley Lamarr : I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

  Taggart : [finding pen and paper]  Could you repeat that, sir?

• Hedley Lamarr : My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

  Taggart : God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

• Taggart : What in the wide, wide world of sports is a-goin' on here? I hired you people to get a bit of track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!

• Taggart : Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said...

  [Bart whacks him with a shovel] 

  Taggart : OW!

  Lyle : [writing]  Send wire, main office, tell them I said "ow". Gotcha!

• Taggart : I got it! I know how we can run everyone out of Rock Ridge.

  Hedley Lamarr : How?

  Taggart : We'll kill the first born male child in every household.

  Hedley Lamarr : [after some consideration]  Too Jewish.

• [Lamarr's posse rides up on Bart's diversion: a single tollbooth in the middle of the desert] 

  Taggart : [1:19:44]  *Le Petomane Thruway*? Now what'll that asshole think of next?

  [turns to the posse] 

  Taggart : Has anybody got a dime?

  [henchmen grumble, search their pockets] 

  Taggart : Somebody's gotta go back and get a shit-load of dimes!

• [Taggart spots Bart and Charlie on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand] 

  Taggart : Oh, shit. Quicksand!

  [lassos the hand-cart and drags it but not the men out of the quicksand] 

  Taggart : Dang, that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcar.

• Buddy Bizarre : What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set!

  Taggart : Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks!

  [winds up to punch Buddy] 

  Buddy Bizarre : Not in the face!

  [Taggart punches Buddy in the stomach] 

  Buddy Bizarre : [collapsing]  Thank you...

• Hedley Lamarr : My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.

  Taggart : Ditto.

  Hedley Lamarr : "Ditto?" "Ditto," you provincial putz?

  Taggart : I'm sorry, sir.

  Hedley Lamarr : Plan, plan. I need a plan.

• Taggart : Now what the hell do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?

  Bart : Watch that "boy" shit, redneck. You talkin' to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.

  Taggart : Well, now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So they can appoint a sheriff that's blacker'n any Indian! I am depressed.

  Lyle : Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that nigger dead? Would that pep you up some?

  Taggart : That might help.

  Lyle : All right, boys! On the count of three!

  Jim : I wouldn't do that if I were you.

  Lyle : Don't pay no attention to that alkie. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.

  [Jim blows on his fingertips] 

  Lyle : Like I said, on the count of three. One... two... three!

  [Jim draws. The cowboys' guns are suddenly shot of their hands in quick succession. Cut back to Jim, his arms folded, smoke pouring from his holsters] 

  Bart : Well, don't just sit there lookin' stupid, graspin' your hands in pain. How 'bout a little...

  [he draws his own gun] 

  Bart : ... applause for the Waco Kid?

  [dumbfounded, Taggart and his men start clapping] 

• Taggart : [shouting]  We'll head them off at the pass!

  Hedley Lamarr : Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché!

  [shoots his foot] 

• Taggart : [5:18]  Listen, dummy. The surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead. Better check it out.

  Lyle : Okay, I'll send down a team of horses to check out the ground.

  Taggart : *Horses*?

  [hits Lyle's head] 

  Taggart : We can't afford to lose any horses, you dummy! Send over a couple of niggers.

• Taggart : I got it! I got it!

  Hedley Lamarr : You do?

  Taggart : We'll work up a Number 6 on 'em.

  Hedley Lamarr : [frowns]  "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one.

  Taggart : Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a-whompin' and a-whumpin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.

  Hedley Lamarr : You spare the women?

  Taggart : Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the Number Six Dance later on.

  Hedley Lamarr : Marvelous!

• Lyle : [after the farting]  How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart?

  Taggart : [fans his hat in the air]  I'd say you've had enough!

• Hedley Lamarr : [sitting in a bubble bath]  Where's my froggy? Where's my froggy!

  Taggart : I don't know. I didn't see him wanna come in.

  Hedley Lamarr : Well, look, damn your eyes! Look for it.

  [Taggart plunges his hand in Hedley's bubble bath] 

  Hedley Lamarr : Taggart.

  Taggart : Sorry sir.

• Hedley Lamarr : Yes, of course. It'll work.

  Taggart : What'll work?

  Hedley Lamarr : Elementary, cactus head.

• Buddy Bizarre : [a fight scene has spilled over into Buddy's musical number]  CUT! What the hell are you all doing here? This is a CLOSED SET!

  Taggart : Piss on you, I work for Mel Brooks!

  [Get ready to hit Buddy] 

  Buddy Bizarre : Not in the face!

  [Taggart hits him in the stomach] 

  Buddy Bizarre : Thank you!

• Taggart : [7:22]  Well that was lucky! Doggone near lost a $400 handcart!

• Taggart : Don't you worry. Why we'll make Rock Ridge think its a chicken that got caught in a tractor's nuts.

  Hedley Lamarr : Splendid!

• Taggart : [to Bart and Charlie struggling to get out of the quicksand]  Well, boys, the break's over. Don't just lay there gettin' a suntan. It ain't gonna do you no good no how.

• Hedley Lamarr : What a minute, that's it! Of course. And it'll work!

  Taggart : You bet it will. What'll work?

  Hedley Lamarr : Elementary, Cactus-head. The beast has failed. And when the beast fails, it's time to call in: beauty.

  Taggart : Beauty?

  Hedley Lamarr : Yes, of course. She's never failed me before. She'll turn him into jelly! She'll bring him to his knees.

• Taggart : I understand there's a new sheriff in town. Who wants to kill him?

• Hedley Lamarr : Taggart, you've been hurt.

  Taggart : Oh, that uppity n***** went and hit me on the head with a shovel! I'd shore appreciate it, sir, if you could find it in your heart to hang him up by his neck until he was dead. Got him locked up downstairs.

  Hedley Lamarr : Consider it done.