How to Commit Marriage (1969)

Bob Hope: Frank Benson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Oliver Poe : [spotting the recently divorced Bensons with their respective dates, at his standing room only nightclub, dressed like hippies]  Well, look who just came in... split-city. I think I'll go over and deflate some egos.

  Laverne Baker : Now, Oliver, don't cause any trouble.

  Oliver Poe : [gleefully]  Me? Trouble? Preposterous!

  Oliver Poe : [walking over to Benson's table]  Who are you supposed to be, Sabu's mother?

  Frank Benson : Look Flabberino, why don't you leave and make room for like six more tables?

  Oliver Poe : Sold any mud, lately? Well, well, well. One big happy family. I don't get it.

  Oliver Poe : [pointing to the ex-Mrs. Benson]  You're with him...

  Oliver Poe : [pointing to Lois' breasts]  ... and he's with those... I mean, her.

  Frank Benson : Back up Moby Dick, how would you like your flab parted in the front, too.

  Oliver Poe : I'm getting out of here before I punch a senior citizen in the snoot.

• Frank Benson : Oh, I believe you know, Lois.

  Elaine Benson : [stares at Lois' huge breasts]  If I didn't, I certainly do know.

  Lois Grey : Well, it's nothing you couldn't buy.

• Frank Benson : [meeting Poe for the first time in church]  I'm in real estate.

  Oliver Poe : But not deep enough. I have a horrible feeling we've met before. Does 7719 Hillside Drive mean anything to you?

  Frank Benson : Isn't that a three bedroom, hillside colonial with patio, wet bar, and over-sized bay window? Nothing personal.

  Oliver Poe : Tee-hee. You forgot to mention the hill in the back and the guaranteed retaining wall.

  Frank Benson : Yeah, well... I sell so many, I forget the details.

  Oliver Poe : Twenty thousand tons of mud in a swimming isn't exactly a detail!

  Oliver Poe : [grabbing Benson's arm]  The house was on a hill until it rained then the hill was on the house.

  Oliver Poe : [shouting]  That was twenty years ago and they're still digging to find the backyard.

  Frank Benson : Lower your voice, Poe. This is a church not a street corner.

  Oliver Poe : Don't look down your nose at me you pompous, pious, prig. If I had known she was your daughter we wouldn't be standing here in two rented monkey suits waiting to sacrifice two nice kids on the alter of same ancient fertility rite.

• Nancy Benson : [introducing her fiancé to her father]  David comes from a broken home.

  David Poe : I was the only child in kindergarten who could spell dirty words correctly.

  Frank Benson : I'm amazed you didn't write a best-seller.

• Elaine Benson : [on the Baba Ziba religion]  Isn't that when they meet in the nude and roll around together on lawn in Santa Barbara?

  Nancy Benson : No. It's direct, simple and pure.

  Frank Benson : And much better for the lawn.