How to Commit Marriage (1969)

Jackie Gleason: Oliver Poe

Photos 

Quotes 

• Oliver Poe : [spotting the recently divorced Bensons with their respective dates, at his standing room only nightclub, dressed like hippies]  Well, look who just came in... split-city. I think I'll go over and deflate some egos.

  Laverne Baker : Now, Oliver, don't cause any trouble.

  Oliver Poe : [gleefully]  Me? Trouble? Preposterous!

  Oliver Poe : [walking over to Benson's table]  Who are you supposed to be, Sabu's mother?

  Frank Benson : Look Flabberino, why don't you leave and make room for like six more tables?

  Oliver Poe : Sold any mud, lately? Well, well, well. One big happy family. I don't get it.

  Oliver Poe : [pointing to the ex-Mrs. Benson]  You're with him...

  Oliver Poe : [pointing to Lois' breasts]  ... and he's with those... I mean, her.

  Frank Benson : Back up Moby Dick, how would you like your flab parted in the front, too.

  Oliver Poe : I'm getting out of here before I punch a senior citizen in the snoot.

• Oliver Poe : [seeing that Baba Ziba offers his employee the star suite]  I don't understand, you're giving a menial the star dressing room?

  The Baba Ziba : It is written that when the most humble enjoy the fruit then the wealthy become richer giving energy to those with all the benevolence upon and therefore to substantiate gives them the up-liberty for we, and the development of those that the umbilical upon those who we, and therefore many times over.

  Oliver Poe : Superior wisdom... from a superior mind.

  [Oliver rolls his eyes in disbelief] 

• Frank Benson : [meeting Poe for the first time in church]  I'm in real estate.

  Oliver Poe : But not deep enough. I have a horrible feeling we've met before. Does 7719 Hillside Drive mean anything to you?

  Frank Benson : Isn't that a three bedroom, hillside colonial with patio, wet bar, and over-sized bay window? Nothing personal.

  Oliver Poe : Tee-hee. You forgot to mention the hill in the back and the guaranteed retaining wall.

  Frank Benson : Yeah, well... I sell so many, I forget the details.

  Oliver Poe : Twenty thousand tons of mud in a swimming isn't exactly a detail!

  Oliver Poe : [grabbing Benson's arm]  The house was on a hill until it rained then the hill was on the house.

  Oliver Poe : [shouting]  That was twenty years ago and they're still digging to find the backyard.

  Frank Benson : Lower your voice, Poe. This is a church not a street corner.

  Oliver Poe : Don't look down your nose at me you pompous, pious, prig. If I had known she was your daughter we wouldn't be standing here in two rented monkey suits waiting to sacrifice two nice kids on the alter of same ancient fertility rite.

• Oliver Poe : [smoking a cigarette in church]  I'm the victim's father.

  Reverend Dempster : [greeting Laverne]  This must be Mrs. Poe.

  Oliver Poe : No, but she's auditioning.

• David Poe : Oliver, Nancy and I are going to get married.

  Nancy Benson : We love each other, Mr. Poe.

  Oliver Poe : That's Victorian bourgeois. I'll prove it you.

  [calls mistress on speaker phone] 

  Oliver Poe : Laverne, are we sleeping together?

  Laverne Baker : Yes, Oliver.

  Oliver Poe : Do we love each other? Are we married?

  Laverne Baker : Yes, dear. No, dear.

  Oliver Poe : [disconnects speaker phone]  Case closed.

• David Poe : Oliver, Nancy and I are going to get married.

  Nancy Benson : We love each other, Mr. Poe.

  Oliver Poe : That's Victorian bourgeois. I'll prove it you.

  Laverne Baker : [calling Laverne on the speaker phone]  Laverne, are we sleeping together?

  Laverne Baker : Yes, Oliver.

  Oliver Poe : Do we love each other? Are we married?

  Laverne Baker : Yes, dear. No, dear.

  Oliver Poe : [disconnecting the speaker phone]  Case closed.

  David Poe : Nancy's parents are married.

  Nancy Benson : [pleading]  They've been happy for nineteen years!

  Oliver Poe : [sarcastically]  They're freaks.

• Oliver Poe : [taking phone call from Pevney]  I got your offer. It's an insult for such a distinguished musical group like The Post-Nasal Drips. However, you can look at the Uncollected Trash, the Five Commandments, the Kumquats, the Horny Toads, or the Slime Benders.

  Pevney : Are they any good?

  Oliver Poe : They haven't taken a bath in three months.

• Oliver Poe : [entering the office followed by an auditioning hippy band, removes his ear plugs, and points to studio room door]  What idiot group is in here?

  Poe's Secretary : The new one, The Comfortable Chair.

  Oliver Poe : I got to get me one of those.

  Oliver Poe : [entering the studio room]  Wait a minute! What are you doing? Number one it sounds like music. I understand every word you're saying. Come on get with it!