- Alan: Dear sweet simple minded Barbara Ann. Barbara Ann whose deepest and most heartfelt yearnings express with a kind of touching lyricism the total vulgarity of our time.
- Barbara Ann: Everybody has got to love me. Everybody. This is my year. My horoscope says I'm going to be famous. I'm a Capricorn and I can't miss. I deserve it, too. I've been very good. I haven't done bad things with boys. Well, a little. But not really bad. And only if I liked a boy.
- Phil Neuhauser: [Finishing his sermon over the speaker system at the drive-in church] And now, in closing, a thought for the week: "harping" all the time does not make you an angel.
- Bob Barnard: [Forbidding her to take a screen test] Just listen, Barbara Ann: you promised to love, honor and obey me!
- Barbara Ann: Listen, I may have been a little hysterical at the ceremony, but I never said anything as *dumb* as that!
- Stella Bernard: You lied to me, Miss Greene. You permitted me to believe your father was dead.
- Barbara Ann: Well, they're divorced.
- Stella Bernard: In our family we don't divorce our men; we *bury* 'em!
- Weldon Emmett: [Emmett has called Mr. Beverly into his office] Frankly, Beverly, I've been reevaluating your performance in plant skills. There's been talk, Beverly. Talk. Do you think this material is too controversial for you?
- Mr. Beverly: [looking somewhat bewildered] Mr. Emmett, I don't understand. I've been teaching botany for...
- Weldon Emmett: [cutting him off] We call it "Plant Skills for Life" here at Consolidated, don't we, Beverly, hmm?
- Mr. Beverly: I've been teaching "Plant Skills for Life" for 30 years.
- Weldon Emmett: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes... I know all that. Be quick, man! What unit are you currently programming?
- Mr. Beverly: Well, yesterday, for example, we covered the pistils and the stamen.
- Weldon Emmett: The what?
- Mr. Beverly: The fertilization of the flowers. It's very beautiful. You know how the pistils give off the pollen? And the stamen is the receptacle? I show how it gets from one to the other, and...
- Weldon Emmett: [looking shocked] Good lord, man! What kind of *smut* are you exposing these children to?
- Mr. Beverly: It's life, sir. I try to make it...
- Weldon Emmett: DON'T burble to me about "life," Beverly. Just keep the *filth* out of your classroom. Good lord, "the stamens and the pistils..." Get your mind out of the gutter, man. Out of the gutter!
- Weldon Emmett: [continues] Remember the image! Parents must know that their daughters are as safe at Consolidated as they are in... church.
- T. Harrison 'Harry' Belmont: [Looking at the party on the beach through his binoculars] 15 beach pictures I've made, this is the first time I've ever been to a beach. Damnedest sight I ever saw in my life.
- T. Harrison 'Harry' Belmont: However, title... title. We need a title. Uh, "Bikini Vampire." "I Was a Teenage Bikini Vampire." "I Married a Teenage Bikini Vampire."
- T. Harrison 'Harry' Belmont: [Sees Barbara Ann and Alan passing by on a motorized floating whale] "I Married a Teenage Bikini Vampire... on Some Kind of a... Fish!"
- Stella Bernard: My son is a dear boy. He's also a *total* idiot. He takes after his late father.
- Barbara Ann: Oh, yes, he told me. He was a psychiatrist?
- Stella Bernard: Yes, but with a gimmick. He was the first head-shrinker in Beverly Hills to validate parking tickets... You can't imagine what a simple thing like that can mean business-wise.
- Stella Bernard: I buried my husband ten years ago. He died at home, yeah. Right there - right on that spot you're sitting on.
- Stella Bernard: [Barbara Ann looks a little uncomfortable] Oh, I'm telling you, one minute he's sitting there, Robbie and I are coloring my hair at the time, next minute he's gone.
- Barbara Ann: Oh, how awful! How did he die?
- Stella Bernard: All psychosomatic. Absolutely *nothing* wrong with him physically. Case of death wish, pure and simple. Everything, Miss Greene, *everything* - it's in the mind. You decide to die, then you do it, pfft! That's all there is to it.
- Marie Greene: This is not a good day for me. As a matter of fact, the good days get fewer and fewer.
- Marie Greene: I'm 40 years old... No, that's a lie, that's a lie, that's a lie, that's a lie. I'm 41, I'll be 42 in September. I'm an old... I'm an old bag! I would be better off dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead!
- Barbara Ann: What do you want from me? I'll be a cocktail waitress, like Marie... Oh, the hell I will. I'll do something else. I'll... I'll be a prostitute, that's what I'll be. You get to pick your customers. And you get paid for it. That sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it? I'll be a prostitute.
- Alan: [soberly] Barbara Ann...
- Barbara Ann: Yes?
- Alan: There's been an accident... There has been an accident.
- Dr. Milton Lippman: Did he leave a note?
- Stella Bernard: Wouldn't matter. My son is a product of the California school system: couldn't write a simple English sentence if his life depended on it.
- Bob Barnard: [Alan has climbed up on a front-end loader] Al, what are you doing on that big machine? Golly Moses, Al! What big teeth it has!
- Alan: All the better to eat you with, my dear!
- Barbara Ann: You want to play a game? Come on, we're going to play undress in front of mommy's house.
- Howard Greene: No, what are you doing?
- Barbara Ann: It's a lot of fun.
- Barbara Ann: Do you know I get chills up my spine every time I hear your voice over the loudspeaker?
- Alan: What's your final position on the screen test?
- Howard Greene: Over my dead body.
- Alan: If you say so.