- Judge Anne B. Carroll: You know, counselor, there's an old saying, there are three sides to every story: yours, his, and the truth.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: But down there in Atlantic City, I did quite a lot of thinking. You know what I mean? I don't mean just stewin' around, I mean *thinking*. And to tell ya the truth, I was surprised how enjoyable it was.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Now, you take most people, including me, they hardly ever get to do any thinkin'. When do they get the time? Or, if you do get the time, there's the movies or the radio or you play a game of cards. But, no thinkin'. Down there it was my first chance in I don't know how long. And I made up a rule. I'm gonna do at least a half hour's of thinkin' every day. All by myself. Just quietly.
- Mrs. Derringer: What're you gonna think about?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: I don't know. Everything.
- Chet Keefer: Whoever thought up the wheel, I betcha that didn't take more than ten seconds.
- George Bastian: Boy, married life sure has made you deep, man.
- Chet Keefer: Well, anyway, that's the sort of lines I'm thinking along.
- George Bastian: Three or four years you'll be bald-headed or gray-haired or both!
- Chet Keefer: See you George.
- George Bastian: Don't take any wooden ten seconds.
- Chet Keefer: This time, I finely got a good look at 'em and they looked nice. You know, regular, not just a couple of ordinary girls.
- Judge Anne B. Carroll: How did you happen to meet?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: What's the difference?
- Chet Keefer: It wasn't anything special.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: We just - we happened to.
- Chet Keefer: Just a pick-up.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: It was not!
- Chet Keefer: Okay, it was not.
- Chet Keefer: I had this friend, George Bastian, and we had a habit of every Saturday afternoon, sometime Sundays, to go over in the park and horse around, play a game of ball, get a rowboat, pitch pennies. But, this one day we happened to be walking along and having a discussion. And we were figuring this idea back and forth about the Post Office, see, where the both of us work. And we were real engrossed like you get on scientific subjects. The next thing you know these two girls come walking right through between us. So, we looked them over. And George says, "Bet you a buck they look back." So, I said, "Bet." So, sure enough, they looked back.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: We did not.
- Chet Keefer: I remember paying him the buck!
- Chet Keefer: It was right there, that night, in Florence's hallway the subject came up. The subject about getting married, I mean. I didn't bring it - she brought it.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: How?
- Chet Keefer: By you sayin', "How come a fella like you isn't even married? What are you waiting for? The boss' daughter?" I remember laughin' cause I thought it was pretty cute at the time. But, anyways, we got talkin' about it pretty serious and I started in explaining something about my theory I had at that time. My theory was: I didn't want to get married. See, I didn't have anything against it; but, it was no good for me at that time, see. I'd just gotten into the civil service then making twenty-three hundred. So how could I get married? Next thing I know I'm in Atlantic City on a honeymoon. Mine.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Chet says you never have to be sick at all if you watch it. He says, "We are what you put in you." You know what I mean? Like if you stick to only healthy food, you'll turn out healthy yourself. Chet's terribly smart about stuff. I mean, he really thinks. Like last night, he says, "Why do we have to blow our noses? A dog never does."
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: I could go the world over. Atlantic City would be my greatest place.
- Mrs. Derringer: That salt water taffy was nice. But, there was no salt water in it.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Oh! Isn't this gorgeous. A cigarette box.
- Mrs. Derringer: Is it real leather?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: From the girls at the office.
- [reading the card]
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: "When you light up, At the end of the day, Think of Evie and Marian and Gloria and Min and Charlotte and May."
- Mrs. Derringer: You know, if that's real leather it cost something. Smell it.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: [smells it] Oo. It's real leather.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Chet and I, we were studying this food book they gave away in Atlantic City. It turns out that jello's the healthiest thing you can eat.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: He gave me a bonus. Fifty dollars.
- Chet Keefer: Who?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Fifty!
- Chet Keefer: What?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Clarence F. Dow, my old boss.
- Chet Keefer: What's he? One of these big brother types or just or a big humanitarian to good-looking blondes?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Never mind.
- Chet Keefer: I like to know these things.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Why?
- Chet Keefer: You know how it is with bosses and secretaries.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Well, some, but not me.
- Chet Keefer: You sure?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: All of a sudden I became a threesome.
- Chet Keefer: Not how I remember it.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Because you were so high by that time.
- Chet Keefer: I was low, not high.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: You couldn't tell the difference between me and her by then.
- Chet Keefer: Who?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: You know who, that big slinky one. If that's your idea of taste, I don't know how it is you ever got together with me.
- Chet Keefer: It made me nervous.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: I suppose that's why you had to start drinkin' all those cocktails like you thought they were celery tonic.
- Chet Keefer: Say, honey?
- [getting into his own twin bed]
- Chet Keefer: You see this guy, how about asking him about a double bed?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: All right.
- Chet Keefer: Wouldn't be too much more expense or anything, would it?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: I don't think so.
- Chet Keefer: I don't think so, either. So you wouldn't mind asking him, would you?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Why should I?
- Chet Keefer: Embarrassed or anything?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Why should I?
- Chet Keefer: I don't know. I guess I was thinking I'd be.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: You'd better have a glass of milk, if you know what's good for you. Two glasses, in fact!
- Chet Keefer: If I knew what was good for me, I wouldn't be me!
- Howard Shipley: That's something tried and true.
- Chet Keefer: Well, this is tried and true.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: We tried it ourselves!
- Chet Keefer: If you'd ever do it once yourself...
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: I didn't think much of it myself, till I tried it myself.
- Chet Keefer: One drink, that's all I had, one drink! I didn't even finish that, I didn't even like it. Like I said to Howard: "What's in here, some of your non-inflammable cleaning fluid?" But, of course, he can't take a joke. Couldn't get him to crack a smile if you were Olsen and Johnson and Martin and Lewis put together.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: You don't seem to remember anything and when you do, you remember it all wrong. I don't see what's the whole point telling everything if you tell it all mixed up like it wasn't instead of like it was.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: He starts insisting to take a cab. It was if we had that kind of money to throw around. All day, I'm thinkin' how to cut corners and all the sudden we're ridin' around in cabs.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Just one of those breaks.
- Chet Keefer: You get enough of those breaks, next thing, you're beyond repair.
- Chet Keefer: The kind of love they got in books and movies, that's not for people. You gotta be more realistic.
- Judge Anne B. Carroll: Why?
- Pat Bundy, Emily Bundy: Happy New Year!
- Pat Bundy: At your service!
- Emily Bundy: Mr. and Mrs. Pat Bundy, Babysitters, Inc.
- Pat Bundy: Glad to sit on any baby in town!
- Howard Shipley: Say, this is great, kitten!
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: See?
- Chet Keefer: Some sensation, huh?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: If your so anxious to get jealous, I'll give you a list.
- Chet Keefer: I'd give you a list only there's so many, I forgot most of them.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Okay, Don Ju-an. Shave your face.
- [singing]
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: That old black magic has me in it's spell, That old black magic that I love so well, Those icy fingers da da-da da-da, Da da-da!
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: I'm treatin' us to a cab!
- Chet Keefer: Since when do you get so manly?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: [singing] But, what can I do? I'm just a slave...
- Judge Anne B. Carroll: Let me ask you, Florence, just what did you want out of marriage?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: What I didn't get.
- Judge Anne B. Carroll: Such as?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Well, I always thought if I ever got married, the one thing I'd never be anymore was *lonesome*. But the funny thing, you can be it even in the same bedroom with a husband.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Hey! You know what I bet would be a great idea?
- Chet Keefer: What?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Flavored postage stamps.
- Chet Keefer: No.
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: What do you mean "no"? Just 'cause you didn't think of it, or that other great mind, George Bastian?
- Chet Keefer: No, because where's the return?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Who likes to lick stamps? Nobody. But if it's clover, mint, or spearmint, why not?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: If you'd only calm down, just cool off a minute.
- Chet Keefer: Okay, I'm cool.
- Pat Bundy: So, what's wrong with my point of view? All right. So I'm a stick-in-the-mud, no ambition. But for my kind of type, I got married to Emily, who's the right kind of type for my kind of type, and she don't push me. She don't tell me what the woman next door got for Christmas. That's it. Live and let live. Is that beautiful? Or am I prejudiced?
- Pat Bundy: You're just getting excited 'cause you're getting pulled in two ways. You don't want her to take it, but you don't want her to give it up.
- Edie: You have a good chance for comparison: marriage life, also business life, so which appeals?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Oh, it makes a difference with a child. This way I'm always worried, is she's all right?
- Female Co-Worker 1: But without any shilly-shally, Flo, which would you choose?
- Florence (Florrie) Keefer: Oh, my home, when things were going all right.
- Female Co-Worker 2: When do they ever?
- Judge Anne B. Carroll: It is late, isn't it? My husband gets awful irritable when I get home too late too much. There was a writer who once said, "Every human being is a plot." That's right. I wish I had time to hear all of yours. Maybe there'd be a solution if we went deep enough.
- Judge Anne B. Carroll: I wonder if it isn't just wrong-headedness. How do you know what the other one wants, or thinks, or feels?