- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: If the world was run right, only women'd get married.
- Ace Lannigan: Yeah. Hey, could they do that?
- Gordon Wycott: You've got to bring him back on his hands and knees, even if you have to break his neck to do it.
- Ace Lannigan: Whew! That was a close one. In another minute, she'd have had a wedding ring through my nose.
- Ace Lannigan: I just want you to stand there and admire me for a while. I just got an idea that's gonna make us a fortune. I don't know how I do it.
- Ace Lannigan: I need some air.
- Joshua Mallon IV: The night air is bad for you junior, back in the net.
- Ace Lannigan: Yeah, now I know how a salmon feels.
- Gloria Wycott: Charming view. I imagine on a clear day, one could see the cannibals eating a missionary!
- Ace Lannigan: Your engagement? Why you double-crossin', moonstruck pushover. Gloria hits you with a little billin' and cooin' and - bang - you're a dead pigeon, huh?
- Ace Lannigan: [wrestling with a just caught Marlin] Hey, he's still alive!
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: He won't give up!
- Ace Lannigan: He must be a Republican.
- Gloria Wycott: You look wonderful!
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: I feel good.
- Gloria Wycott: You're as brown as a coconut.
- Joshua Mallon IV: Now look here, Josh, I'd like to sit on a coral reef and play a ukulele myself. But, we are Mallons.
- Mima: [singing] I have two friends, The strangest company, The gay light-hearted moon, And the willow tree, The sad willow tree...
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: This is a very special offer. The dollar bottle has been selling for 50 cents. It's now available for a quarter.
- Ace Lannigan: Down to a quarter! I'll take a dime.
- Ace Lannigan: He's dipped to a dime.
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: A cigar coupon!
- Ace Lannigan: Anybody got an old razor blade?
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: An old beat up yam?
- Ace Lannigan: A bus ticket?
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: We're going to make a fortune.
- Caesar: He takes me. Then he throws some stuff on me. He rubs and rubs and rubs and rubs and scrubs and scrubs and scrubs and scrubs!
- Ace Lannigan: Is that your mustache? Tell me, does your chest ever get jealous of your upper lip? Ah, a might pretty thing. A mighty pretty thing.
- Ace Lannigan: Look at that! Just like a platinum blonde riding a white horse through a flock of swans.
- Joshua Mallon IV: I don't agree with you at all, Gloria. You've tried reasoning with him and got nowhere.
- Gloria Wycott: But there are different degrees of reasoning. Your idea is to jump up and down and hit people with a baseball bat.
- Ace Lannigan: [in brown face, disguised as natives] Shucky-ducky-walky?
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: No. No sucky-ducky.
- Ace Lannigan: Oh, sucky-ducky. Bicarbonate soda.
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: Okey-dokey.
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: Where is Josh going?
- Ace Lannigan: Oh, where's he always goin'? He sees a pair of big, brown eyes and he starts doin' nip-ups. Give him a girl, a moon and some stars and he goes haywire. In fact, just give him a girl!
- Mima: What are you doing? Are you going crazy?
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: No, we're going native and you're going along with us.
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: Oh, I'm famished! I'm so hungry my spare tire's deflated. Well, pretty near.
- Gloria Wycott: Well, now, here's the general idea. We're going to take a nice long leisurely cruise home, give you time to get over eating with your fingers, and then every night in the moonlight I'll whisper sweet nothings into your ear.
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: Well, you wouldn't want me now if I didn't want to go back with you, would you? After all, there's some things around here I kind of like.
- Gloria Wycott: Yes, I saw one of them. And I don't blame you. But, Josh, you've never seen me in a sarong. I'm quite a dish.
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: Well, you dopey-looking cluck! You're kidding. You in love?
- Ace Lannigan: What's the matter with that? Dopier-lookin' clucks than me have been in love.
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: Well, name one.
- Ace Lannigan: We've got to agree on something right now - no more women! No women of any kind, size, shape, or color.
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: Not even midgets!
- Ace Lannigan: Why, if either of us looks at anything in a skirt, the other can clip his ears off and stuff 'em down his throat.
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: And I hope you choke.
- Joshua Mallon IV: You seem to think the world is just some sort of a three-ring circus, and all you've got to do is to run around and have fun!
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: What's wrong with that?
- Joshua Mallon IV: The world won't let you - that's what's wrong with that.
- Joshua 'Josh' Mallon V: You mean the Mallons won't let me.