- Ollie: Do you realize that this is the only suit that I've got left? It's enough to make a man burst out crying.
- Stan: [Stan starts to cry] Well, I couldn't help it. I was doing the best I could...
- Ollie: Shut up and get this mess cleaned up! Do you know that my wife will be home at noon?
- Stan: Say, what do you think I am? Cinderella? If I had any sense I'd walk out on you.
- Ollie: Well, it's a good thing you haven't any sense!
- Stan: It certainly is!
- Ollie: Why weren't you over to the party last night?
- Stan: I couldn't make it. I was bitten by a dog.
- Ollie: You were what?
- Stan: A dog bit me.
- Ollie: I can't understand you. Spell it.
- Stan: A dog bit me. B-I-it me. Bit me.
- Ollie: Where?
- Stan: [Rolls up sleeve and puts the telephone to the injured area] There! And they took me to the hospital.
- Ollie: Get closer to the phone, I can't understand you.
- Stan: I said they--I said they took--They took me to the hospital.
- Ollie: Was it serious?
- Stan: Yeah. The doctor said I might get hydrophosphates.
- Ollie: Hydrophosphates? You mean hydrophobia.
- Ollie: [to himself in a mirror] There were times when I had high hopes for you. But, that time is past. I'll tell you what's wrong with you in two words: im-possible!
- Ollie: Listen, I'm in a slight predicament. My wife's coming home at noon today, unexpectedly. And just look at this house.
- Stan: [sees the mess] What's the matter with it?
- Ollie: What's the matter with it? You never met my wife, have you?
- Stan: Yes, I never did.
- Ollie: What do you mean "Yes I never did"?
- [shows him wedding photo of a frowning bride]
- Ollie: That's my wife.
- Stan: Isn't she sweet.
- Ollie: Charming.
- Stan: Where is your wife?
- Ollie: She's in Chicago with her mother.
- Stan: Is she having a nice time?
- Ollie: Sure, she's having a nice time, she's been gone for more than a week, I-I don't care whether she's having a nice time or not!
- Ollie: [shouts] Hello!
- Mrs. Hardy: Don't you yell at me. I'm not deaf!
- Ollie: Oh, hello, honey baby. Where are you?
- Mrs. Hardy: Where am I? I'm down here at the railroad station. And if I stay here much longer they'll put me in the roundhouse.
- Ollie: If she comes home and sees this house like this, she'll know that I've been having a wild party!
- Stan: I've never known it to fail.
- Ollie: What?
- Stan: When the mice are away, the cats are always playing around, thing, and--doing something. If the mice run...
- Ollie: I want you to help me clean this house. I'd do the same for you!
- Stan: No, you wouldn't.
- Ollie: Yes, I would!
- Stan: Oh, no, you wouldn't.
- Ollie: How do you know I wouldn't?
- Stan: 'Cause I'm not going to get married.