- (Scott Adams' Dilbert Principle) "The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least amount of damage."
- Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
- People are idiots. No matter how smart or brilliant you may be, you spend much of your day being an idiot. I proudly include myself in the idiot category.
- Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
- Reality is controlled by those who are most insane.
- What matters is my Emotional Intelligence, which is defined in a book I haven't read.
- There are people who believe in soulmates, but I can't help noticing that soulmates always live within driving distance of each other.
- Do you see that tiny island? That is where the people who care live.
- Anything that takes a book to explain is probably wrong.
- You tell a man and a woman that the secret to success is to kiss a lot of old white asses, then the man will start off kissing every cheek and putting his card in every crack, and the woman will start complaining about the Glass Ceiling.
- [Genius Garbageman] Get a wife and family, you won't believe how much you enjoy going in to work.
- [Wally, co-worker's head just exploded] It's your turn to buy the card.
- [Secretary] I can't tell you that without violating the Insane Chick Code of Ethics.
- [Dogbert meets a Hollywood Producer who has his pants on his head] I don't know anything about normal people, but I'm willing to watch movies to learn about them!
- [Wally, present at a "Hardening"] He's in a better place, now.
- [Co-worker] I stayed up three nights for this project, but came up with nothing. Fortunately I was visited at 3am by the Spirit of an Incan Monkey God who told me what to write. Now all I have to do is decipher his simple but beautiful language.
- [Dogbert] And the Solution is to quit your job and become a Syndicated Cartoonist. Any questions?
- [Dilbert] What do you mean it has to be more user-friendly? [Dogbert] Well, when you consider who has children... [New Parent] And the food goes in which end, again?
- Never spend too much time on your own. [Dilbert] What if I shaved off every hair on my body?
- [Cute Little Alien] I came here from an Advanced Civilisation to share my wisdom! [Asok] Me too, but they don't like that kind of thing here. [Cute Little Alien, into Communicator] It's a Quagmire...
- When did Ignorance become a Point of View?
- [Dilbert] If pharmaceuticals can change how I feel, then free will is an illusion. [Therapist] What about your soul? [Dilbert] I'm an Engineer.
- [writing in 2020] If Biden is elected, there's a good chance you will be dead within the year. Republicans will be hunted. Police will stand down.
- [Dogbert] Beware the advice of successful people, they do not seek company.
- [Asok] If we had an Office Intranet, we could share our Knowledge! [Dilbert] You don't have any knowledge to share. [Asok] Ouch, it hurts because it's True. [Wally] I'm hoarding my knowledge in case I ever need it.
- I love seeing stuff I post in the Dilbert Blog somehow turning up in Reader's Digest....
- [Dilbert, assigned a new personality] Same ol' same ol'! You got that right...
- [Dilbert] Don't most Spies die in their first year?
- Dilbert: "My SPOO doesn't have enough FLEEM" Wally: "Nice going..."
- [Coworker:] Your success diminishes me. Dilbert: Stares in disbelief.]
- What I felt like saying was: Don't you know who I am? I buy bottled water because I can!
- You're not supposed to enjoy working, that's why they pay you.
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