Movies Roger Ebert Hated the Most
Source: https://www.rogerebert.com/roger-ebert/eberts-most-hated
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- DirectorDennie GordonStarsDavid SpadeBrittany DanielDennis MillerAfter being abandoned by his parents at the Grand Canyon, Joe Dirt tells the story of his journey to find his parents."We professional movie critics count it a banner week when only one movie involves eating, falling into or being covered by excrement (or a cameo appearance by Carson Daly). We are not prudes. We are prepared to laugh. But what these movies, including 'Joe Dirt,' often do not understand is that the act of being buried in crap is not in and of itself funny."
- DirectorMichael BayStarsBruce WillisBilly Bob ThorntonBen AffleckAfter discovering that an asteroid the size of Texas will impact Earth in less than a month, NASA recruits a misfit team of deep-core drillers to save the planet."OK, say you do succeed in blowing up an asteroid the size of Texas. What if a piece the size of Dallas is left? Wouldn't that be big enough to destroy life on Earth? What about a piece the size of Austin? Let's face it: Even an object the size of that big Wal-Mart outside Abilene would pretty much clean us out, if you count the parking lot."
- DirectorM. Night ShyamalanStarsSigourney WeaverWilliam HurtJoaquin PhoenixA series of events tests the beliefs of a small isolated countryside village."To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore."
- DirectorRob ReinerStarsElijah WoodBruce WillisJason AlexanderSick of the neglect he receives from his mom and dad, a young boy leaves home and travels the world in search of new parents."I have no idea why Rob Reiner, or anyone else, wanted to make this story into a movie, and close examination of the film itself is no help. 'North' is one of the most unpleasant, contrived, artificial, cloying experiences I've had at the movies. To call it manipulative would be inaccurate; it has an ambition to manipulate, but fails...
...I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it. - DirectorDaniel VigneStarsGérard DepardieuSigourney WeaverRuth WestheimerA scientist is busy searching for an ancient woman, and does not pay attention to modern ones. Until a day when a businesswoman decided to seduce him in order to use his sensational discoveries for commercial purposes."Add it all up, and what you've got here is a waste of good electricity. I'm not talking about the electricity between the actors. I'm talking about the current to the projector."
- DirectorLarry BishopStarsMichael J. PollardHenry SilvaGabriel ByrneWith his boss in the madhouse, a mobster is temporary boss of the criminal empire just as vicious rivals threaten the control of the empire."'Mad Dog Time' is the first movie I have seen that does not improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time. Oh, I've seen bad movies before. But they usually made me care about how bad they were. Watching 'Mad Dog Time' is like waiting for the bus in a city where you're not sure they have a bus line.... 'Mad Dog Time' should be cut into free ukulele picks for the poor."
- DirectorTom BradyStarsRob SchneiderRachel McAdamsAnna FarisAn attractive and popular teenager, who is mean-spirited toward others, finds herself in the body of an older man, and must find a way to get back to her original body."The movie resolutely avoids all the comic possibilities of its situation, and becomes one more dumb high school comedy about sex gags and prom dates.... Through superhuman effort of the will, I did not walk out of 'The Hot Chick,' but reader, I confess I could not sit through the credits. The MPAA rates this PG-13. It is too vulgar for anyone under 13, and too dumb for anyone over 13."
- DirectorMike MitchellStarsRob SchneiderWilliam ForsytheEddie GriffinAn average aquarium cleaner house-sits for a gigolo, only to be forced to become one himself."'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo' makes a living prostituting himself. How much he charges I'm not sure, but the price is worth it if it keeps him off the streets and out of another movie. 'Deuce Bigalow' is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience. The best thing about it is that it runs for only 75 minutes.... Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks."
- DirectorRobert TownsendStarsHalle BerryNatalie Desselle ReidMartin LandauTwo tacky homegirls move to L.A. to become dancers; instead they scam a dying millionaire but eventually become B*A*P*S (Black American Princesses)."The movie doesn't work, but was there any way this material could ever have worked? My guess is that African Americans will be offended by the movie, and whites will be embarrassed. The movie will bring us all together, I imagine, in paralyzing boredom."
- DirectorBob ClarkStarsKathleen TurnerChristopher LloydKim CattrallScientists hold super intelligent talking babies captive, but things take a turn for the worse when a mix-up occurs between a baby genius and its twin."This is an old idea, beautifully expressed by Wordsworth, who said, 'Heaven lies about us in our infancy.' If I could quote the whole poem instead of completing this review, believe me, we'd all we happier. But I press on."
- DirectorWallace WolodarskyStarsBarry WatsonHarland WilliamsMichael RosenbaumStrapped for cash, three fraternity playboys make one last attempt to live the high life - cheaply - by masquerading as girls. But their chauvinistic ways come back to haunt them as they get a crash course in the opposite sex."I should be a good sport and go along with the joke. But the joke is not funny. The movie is not funny. If it's this easy to get a screenplay filmed in Hollywood, why did they bother with that Project Greenlight contest? Why not ship all the entries directly to Larry Brezner, Michael Fottrell and Walter Hamada, the producers of 'Sorority Boys,' who must wear Santa suits to work?"
- DirectorBob SpiersStarsMel BEmma BuntonMelanie CWorld-famous pop group the Spice Girls zip around London in their luxurious double-decker tour bus having various adventures and performing for their fans."The Spice Girls are easier to tell apart than the Mutant Ninja Turtles, but that is small consolation: What can you say about five women whose principal distinguishing characteristic is that they have different names? They occupy 'Spice World' as if they were watching it: They're so detached they can't even successfully lip-synch their own songs...
...The Spice Girls music is so bad that even 'Spice World' avoids using any more of it than absolutely necessary." - DirectorArthur HillerStarsRyan O'NealCoolioChuck DWhen a rookie filmmaker with the unfortunate name Alan Smithee realizes he's an unwitting studio puppet, being forced to make a big-budget action movie he knows is horrible, he steals the master reels and tries to make a deal."In taking his name off the film, Arthur Hiller has wisely distanced himself from the disaster, but on the basis of what's on the screen I cannot, frankly, imagine any version of this film that I would want to see. The only way to save this film would be to trim 86 minutes."
- DirectorFrank CoraciStarsAdam SandlerKathy BatesHenry WinklerA waterboy for a college football team discovers he has a unique tackling ability and becomes a member of the team."I believe in giving every movie the benefit of the doubt. I walked into 'The Waterboy,' sat down, took a sip of my delicious medium roast coffee and felt at peace with the world. How nice it would be, I thought, to give Adam Sandler a good review for a change. Goodwill and caffeine suffused my being, and as the lights went down I all but beamed at the screen.
Then Adam Sandler spoke, and all was lost." - DirectorLarry DavidStarsSteven WeberCraig BierkoJack BurnsEvan and Ritchie see their friendship go sour after one wins a slots jackpot with two quarters bummed from the other."How to account for the fact that Larry David is one of the creators of 'Seinfeld'? Maybe he works well with others. I can't easily remember a film I've enjoyed less. 'North,'' a comedy I hated, was at least able to inflame me with dislike. 'Sour Grapes'' is a movie that deserves its title: It's puckered, deflated and vinegary. It's a dead zone."
- DirectorJay ChandrasekharStarsSeann William ScottJohnny KnoxvilleJessica SimpsonCousins Bo, Luke, and Daisy Duke, and their uncle Jesse, egg on the authorities of Hazzard County, Boss Hogg and Sheriff Coltrane."'The Dukes of Hazzard' is a comedy about two cousins who are closer'n brothers, and their car, which is smarter'n they are...
...It's a retread of a sitcom that ran from about 1979 to 1985, years during which I was able to find better ways to pass my time. Yes, it is still another TV program I have never ever seen. As this list grows, it provides more and more clues about why I am so smart and cheerful....
Bo and Luke are involved in a mishap that causes their faces to be blackened with soot, and then, wouldn't you know, they drive into an African-American neighborhood, where their car is surrounded by ominous young men who are not amused by blackface, or by the Confederate flag painted on the car. I was hoping maybe the boyz n the hood would carjack the General, which would provide a fresh twist to the story, but no, the scene sinks into the mire of its own despond." - DirectorStan DragotiStarsTony DanzaCatherine HicksWallace ShawnWhen an average-looking teenage girl gets a makeover, it's enough to make her father become overprotective of her."What planet did the makers of this film come from? What assumptions do they have about the purpose and quality of life? I ask because 'She's Out of Control' is simultaneously so bizarre and so banal that it's a first: the first movie fabricated entirely from sitcom cliches and plastic lifestyles, without reference to any known plane of reality."
- DirectorNigel ColeStarsAshton KutcherAmanda PeetTaryn ManningUnacquainted Emily and Oliver join the mile-high club together on the way from LAX to NYC--end of story. Except that they keep meeting constantly over the next seven years.."'A Lot Like Love' is a romance between two of the dimmer bulbs of their generation. Judging by their dialogue, Oliver and Emily have never read a book or a newspaper, seen a movie, watched TV, had an idea, carried on an interesting conversation or ever thought much about anything. The movie thinks they are cute and funny, which is embarrassing, like your uncle who won't stop with the golf jokes."
- DirectorPeter SegalStarsChris FarleyDavid SpadeBrian DennehyAfter his auto-parts tycoon father dies, the overweight, underachieving son teams up with a snide accountant to try and save the family business."'Tommy Boy' is one of those movies that plays like an explosion down at the screenplay factory. You can almost picture a bewildered office boy, his face smudged with soot, wandering through the ruins and rescuing pages at random. Too bad they didn't mail them to the insurance company instead of filming them."
- DirectorTom GreenStarsTom GreenRip TornMarisa CoughlanAn unemployed cartoonist moves back in with his parents and younger brother Freddy. When his parents demand he leave, he begins to spread rumors that his father is sexually abusing Freddy."This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels."
- DirectorPitofStarsHalle BerrySharon StoneBenjamin BrattA shy woman, endowed with the speed, reflexes, and senses of a cat, walks a thin line between criminal and hero, even as a detective doggedly pursues her, fascinated by both of her personas."She becomes Catwoman, but what is a catwoman? She can leap like a cat, strut around on top of her furniture, survive great falls and hiss. Berry looks great doing these things, and spends a lot of time on all fours, inspiring our almost unseemly gratitude for her cleavage. She gobbles down tuna and sushi. Her eyes have vertical pupils instead of round ones. She sleeps on a shelf. The movie doesn't get into the litter box situation. What does she think about all of this?"
- DirectorWilliam FriedkinStarsJenny SeagroveDwier BrownCarey LowellYoung married couple Phillip and Kate Sterling, who have a newborn son named Jake, don't realize that their new nanny Camilla is a magical Druid who sacrifices infants to an evil tree."Of the many threats to modern man documented in horror films -- the slashers, the haunters, the body snatchers -- the most innocent would seem to be the druids. What, after all, can a druid really do to you, apart from dropping fast-food wrappers on the lawn while worshipping your trees?"
- DirectorPhil KarlsonStarsLee MontgomeryJoseph CampanellaArthur O'ConnellA lonely boy befriends Ben, the leader of a violent swarm of killer rats."I wonder how Ben learned English. I seem to recall from 'Willard,' last summer's big rat movie, that Willard trained Ben to heel, beg, roll over, play dead and sic Ernest Borgnine. Not bad for a rat. But when did Ben learn English? It takes Berlitz six weeks of intensive training to get a French businessman to the point where he can proposition a girl on Rush St. -- and here's Ben learning instinctively."
- DirectorRoland EmmerichStarsKurt RussellJames SpaderJaye DavidsonAn interstellar teleportation device, found in Egypt, leads to a planet with humans resembling ancient Egyptians who worship the god Ra."It is also the kind of movie where the sun god Ra, who has harnessed the ability to traverse the universe at the speed of light, still needs slaves to build his pyramids. And where the local equivalent of a Nubian princess is sent into the chamber of the Earth visitors, to pleasure them. Don't tell me there aren't any coincidences. The movie 'Ed Wood,' about the worst director of all time, was made to prepare us for 'Stargate.'"
- DirectorSteve BeckStarsTony ShalhoubShannon ElizabethEmbeth DavidtzWhen Cyrus Kriticos, a very rich collector of unique things, dies, he leaves his house, fortune, and his prized collection of ghosts."The shatterproof glass cages, we learn, are engraved with 'containment spells' that keep the ghosts inside. You can see the ghosts with special glasses, which the cast is issued; when they see them, we see them, usually in shots so maddeningly brief we don't get a good look. Our consolation, I guess, is that the cast has the glasses but we will have the pause button when '13 Ghosts' comes out on DVD. The only button this movie needs more than pause is delete."