The Most Stupid of all Stupid Movies
There are a lot of classes of terrible movies. The so bad it's good, the cult classics, the purely boring, but then you get movies that barely hold themselves together and arguably didn't have enough to material to make a a cohesive movie to begin with. Enjoy and be amazed.
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- DirectorDon DohlerDave GeattyStarsTom GriffithJamie ZemarelKarin KardianA creature from outer space crash lands in a small town and starts killing people.This is a brilliantly stupid film. The plot consists of an alien who accidentally crash lands on Earth because his spaceship ricochets off of a meteorite and now the alien is pissed off and the townspeople are going pay, for no particular reason. It's just raw, pointless aggression. The best part of this movie is the non-existent acting talent, scene after scene, trying so hard to generate some sense of drama, yet coming up with nothing. It's just one big pointlessly enacted scenario, painfully put to film, and there is no talent behind any of it. Arguably a classic, which means nothing here.
- DirectorJames NguyenStarsAlan BaghWhitney MooreTippi HedrenA horde of mutated birds descends upon the quiet town of Half Moon Bay, California. As the death toll rises, two citizens manage to fight back, but will they survive Birdemic?How little can a movie offer and yet still get made? Birdemic: Shock and Terror is your answer. I can't think of another movie that is as embarrassingly cheesy as this. It wreaks of small town indie movie with absurdly simplistic plot points that seem to just fall out of the sky. Examples: Getting a letter in the mail that you are now a Victoria's Secret model. Next, you suddenly just made a million dollars because of an unexplained business deal. But... it is the VERY "special" 3D effects that really shine in all their horrible glory here, as we see arguably THEE WORST 3D graphic implementation of all time (Suburban Sasquatch being a possible rival), and then to combine this with such a link headed equally silly script. It's beautiful.
- DirectorGeorge A. RomeroStarsEd HarrisGary LahtiTom SaviniA medieval reenactment troupe struggles to maintain its family-like dynamic amid pressure from local authorities, interest from talent agents, and their "King's" delusions of grandeur.Knightriders essentially marks the death of the hippie dream, and when, or if, you watch this movie, you will understand why I make this point. This was the final thread exploring the furthest outer reaches of what one might do with a hippie commune concept, and it involves jousting on motorcycles, along with some Arthurian medieval whatnot that it takes extremely seriously. How can one really explain the epic level of silliness of a movie when it is so sincerely convinced of the validity of its own plot, and the actors seem so fully committed to it. It just makes me wonder what in the world was going on in the actor's minds behind the scenes? And I don't know why motorcycles had some peculiarly strong impact on the psyche of America at this time, but then so did roller disco... Anyway, the motorcycle fixation really comes into play in this weirdly misguided dramatic fruitcake of a movie.
- DirectorMenahem GolanStarsCatherine Mary StewartGeorge GilmourGrace KennedyIn 1994, a young couple enters the world of the music industry, and subsequently the world of drugs.Cocaine and alcohol had a bizarre effect on the creative judgement of early 80s film media, and this is certainly case in point. An epically misguided idea to retell the book of Genesis in a disco musical form that takes place in "the future" of 1994, complete with motorcycles, drugs, and a shiny, sparkly glaze on every surface. This was a tremendously expensive film for its time, and yes, an utter commercial failure. Apparently at one point in the construction there included a fully finished one million dollar animatronic dinosaur set that was then scrapped because it was so absurd. "Over the top" doesn't even begin to describe how wackadoodle this corny movie really is, and the ending is a treasure of stupidity in art.
- DirectorDon DohlerStarsDon LeifertTom GriffithRichard DyszelA science ship with three dangerous specimens collected from around the universe crash lands on Earth. A mysterious stranger named "Ben Zachary" shows up claiming to be able to save the day. Can he do what he claims?This was the trial run of the movie Nightbeast. Almost the exact same movie and even stars the same actors, except made four years prior. If you fail the first time, why not fail again. You might think the second go around in Nightbeast would produce a better movie, but you would be wrong. Don't think The Alien Factor is worth skipping and going straight to Nightbeast. There is an unholy unity between the two, and this is an almost equally terrible movie as Nightbeast, but has no nudity. Still, it lays as flat as a pancake, so when you compare the two together, there forms a full bodied experience, both stupefying and miraculous.
- DirectorAlan J. LeviDon McDougallStarsBen MurphyKatherine CrawfordRichard DysartDimwitted, meaty guy foils criminals by turning invisible.Start a movie with an grandiose highly unlikely SF backstory involving invisibility, and then immediately switch it over into a truck driving movie, all within the first ten minutes. Brilliant. Includes country music, CB radios, helicopters, and Nascar elements. It's a beautiful celebration of all the stupid things of America sitting squarely in 1976.
- DirectorDwain EsperStarsBill WoodsHorace B. CarpenterTed EdwardsA former vaudevillian gifted at impersonation assists a mad scientist in reanimating corpses and soon goes mad himself.The entire story surrounding this movie, including the movie itself, is so outrageously unbelievable that it is worth summarizing its bizarre history here, and I recommend reading this first if you haven't already watched the movie. Or even if you have seen it, after you know its story, the re-watch is fabulous.
The guy who made this movie was a loan shark wiseguy named Dwain Esper who had no training in movie making until stealing film equipment from the basement of one of his client's who owed him money and had skipped town.
Dwain new nothing about making film in any sense, and this film leaves no doubt about that, but it's still such a bizarrely constructed and technically awful creation that is crosses the line into something really weird.
So Dwain decided to include a couple of scenes showing a nude woman in his mad science story, as this would appeal to drunk men, his target audience. Not really having considered that it would now be illegal to show in most states. Facing this problem, Dwain used a legal loophole and added some footage so he claim it was a "medical film." He patched in random segments of footage showing medical dictionary definitions of mental diseases... as if this mad science movie were in fact exploring legitimate medical conditions.
Not being really being a film that any legitimate theater in 1934 would even dare to consider, Maniac was typically shown after hours in tents as part of low grade traveling roadside attractions or carnivals, and aimed to at drunk men. As such, the Maniac (or Sex Maniac) was often run out of town by authorities. Luckily we still have this awful film, so enjoy. - CreatorMichael SloanStarsLee Van CleefTimothy Van PattenShô KosugiAn aging American ninja master and his headstrong young apprentice search for the elder man's daughter.Sixty year old men always carry around briefcases containing their ninja outfit and cool ninja weapons wherever they go. That way when they get into a barfight and break every glass object in sight, everyone will know they are in fact a ninja. A MASTER ninja. Obviously.
- DirectorVitaliy VersaceStarsRachel TerzakNelson ReepZackary Taylor OrrA second-hand report of a man vomiting after eating chicken leads a preacher to believe a vampire is afoot. Luckily for the guy, his girlfriend has AIDS which allows him to be spared.The unique concept behind this movie seems to pose the question, "what if vampires were not all that bright, and not especially attractive or charismatic?" So like, you lived hundreds of years as a vampire, but you never really got around to doing much, and then when you finally decide to do something, you aren't all that well intellectually equipped to accomplish much. I guess that is why you find a girl to help you. But then it turns out that she is as dumb as you are. These are the tough, dark issues that The Last Vampire on Earth addresses, and its answers don't really lead to much. It's such a dark and brooding bummer to be a vampire.
- DirectorDave WascavageStarsSue Lynn SanchezBill UshlerDave BonavitaWhen a giant blood-thirsty anthropoid goes on a killing spree in a sprawling suburban park area, it's up to a couple of rangers, a reporter and a mystical Native-American warrior to try and stop it.I have to give credit to Red Letter Media's Best of the Worst for bringing this movie to my attention. The best part of this movie is how cheap everything is. Nothing in this movie looks remotely believable. In fact a lot of the props and costumes could be mistaken for garbage. Really. The filmmaker is obviously completely unaware concerning the aesthetics of what he is doing. Lots of cheap plastic crap, unbelievably poor costumes, a creature made of what looks like salvaged garbage, rubber dollar store prosthetic limbs flying around... All of it looks like something high school kids would make as a joke. Truly a clueless wonder of a film, and 3D FX that are on par with Birdemic.
- DirectorDon HuletteStarsChuck NorrisGeorge MurdockTerry O'ConnorTruck driver searches for his brother, who has disappeared in a town run by a corrupt judge.Creativity and IQs in the movie and TV industry seemed to have dipped substantially in the 1970s, but this was a generation that drank a couple of bourbons and smoked half a pack of cigarettes just for lunch. If it wasn't a movie about airplanes, it was a movie about motorcycles, and if it wasn't motorcycles then it was semi-trucks, and by the latter half of the 70s these shows regularly featured cowboy hat wearing fools fist fighting with police officers with no thought of whether they might get themselves shot. Brilliant stuff. I'm not sure who or why people thought these motifs were worth making or watching, but it does leave us with a humorous mystery of past culture we can speculatively entertain ourselves with.
- DirectorNeil BreenStarsNeil BreenLaura HaleMike BradyThe controversial story of a lone genius who closes down the Las Vegas Strip... The goverment can't stop him. As he reunites with his dead girlfriend each night.Of the Breen film canon Double Down establishes the Breen dynamic so clearly that then solidifies in his other movies. This is a director who is convinced of his vision. So here we are in Double Down. We have a guy who really knows complicated stuff, played by Breen, but also a man who loved and lost, even with super psychic visionary powers. He has a firm grasp on using laptops in desert national parks too, and special powers that make him a specially chosen vessel of justice. This is a guy who can perform super secret massive terrorist acts, but it is worth noting that he has not yet mastered eating tuna straight out of a can while driving. Other than this the guy is brilliant and tough, and the entire corrupt world of every organization must pay for their evil ways, but a sensitive man as well, that was loved by a woman. It also has a fine nude scene, of Neil.
On a technical level, Neil has been noted as one of the great users of generic stock footage, letting his audience embrace long full clips of drone footage. It's daring film. - DirectorSiu-Tung ChingStarsJet LiShengyi HuangRaymond LamA master monk tries to protect a naive young physician from a thousand-year-old snake demon. A contest of psychic powers results in mayhem.There are people who defend this movie because the story's roots are apparently old, but this is a really corny, silly movie. It was massively expensive, and it completely failed. There is a good handful of really expensive Chinese movies made around this time that you can just see the money in your mind getting shoveled into a furnace.
- DirectorPhil SmootStarsLash La RueAnna Lane TatumCynthia BaileyThe spirits of dead Indians are haunting a couple's house, and they call in an exorcist, whose trademark is a black whip, to get rid of them.Watching a police officer and and an evil tribal character trying to whip each other to the death with bullwhips, which I might note that it appears these actors do not actually know how to use them... and having no effect is quality viewing material.
- DirectorMel WellesStarsCameron MitchellElisa MontésJorge MartínBaron von Weser keeps a menagerie of carnivorous plants, but takes great care of one particular specimen.Ham.
- DirectorRick SloaneStarsMary WoronovJenny CunninghamJonathan BlakelyAn old movie house plagued with a history of unexplained tragedies is reopened with bloody history repeating itselfEnthusiastic, clueless, and talent-free is how I would summarize this unholy terror of acting and theater. There isn't one single second of this film that doesn't sink like a lead boat. Beautifully clueless.