Dysfunctional Families

"Wanna torture your parents? Bring them to my house for dinner tonight. Here's the address. We're having leftover lasagna I stole from the cafeteria. Don't ever say I'm not a man of my word again." - Lip

Sam Winchester: When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a .45!

Dean Winchester: Well, what was he supposed to do?

Sam Winchester: I was *nine* years old! He was supposed to say "don't be afraid of the dark!"

Dean Winchester: Don't be afraid of the dark? What are you, kidding me? Of course you should be afraid of the dark. You know what's out there!

Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

Ruth Fisher: David, are you bringing a special friend to dinner?

David Fisher: Why are my friends always special?

Ruth Fisher: Okay, then. If you're having sex with anyone, is he coming to dinner?

Skyler White: You know what, Walt? Someone has to protect this family from the man who protects this family.

Michael: My father is no different than any powerful man, any man with power, like a president or senator.

Kay Adams: Do you know how naive you sound, Michael? Presidents and senators don't have men killed.

Michael: Oh. Who's being naive, Kay?

Janice Soprano: You want to swap family stories Tone? How about the time when Mom and Dad were coming back from the Copa?

Tony Soprano: That's enough Janice!

Janice Soprano: [laughing] Mom's hair!

Tony Soprano: That didn't even happen! And anyway, it's not for public concern! Carmela Soprano: What? Oh my God! What?

Janice Soprano: They were driving back from Manhattan, with Uncle June and his goomar. Oh! What was her name?

Tony Soprano: Your a--!

Janice Soprano: That's how we heard the story through her... [remembering]

Janice Soprano: Rosemary. My father's driving, and she's ragging on his a--. You know how she gets. He's been drinking, I guess. And he takes out his gun!

Carmela Soprano: Oh my God!

Janice Soprano: BOOM!

Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Holy sh-t! [Tony looks embarrassed]

Janice Soprano: F---n' blew right through her beehive hairdo! [Carmela, Janice and Bobby burst out laughing]

Carmela Soprano: [laughing] I can't believe you never told me that story!

Janice Soprano: Yeah! What's the big deal!

Tony Soprano: 'Cause it makes us look like a f--n' dysfunctional family!

Darth Vader: ...Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me *you* killed him!

Darth Vader: No. *I* am your father.

Luke: No. No. That's not true. That's impossible!

Darth Vader: Search your feelings, you *know* it to be true!

Luke: [anguished] No! No!

Sheryl: [to Frank] He started snorting heroin.

Frank: [to Grandpa] You started snorting heroin?

Grandpa: [in response to Frank, aimed at Dwayne] Let me tell ya, don't do that stuff. When you're young, you're crazy to do that sh-t.

Frank: [to Grandpa] Well what about you?

Grandpa: [to Frank] What about me? I'm old. When you're old you're crazy not to do it.

Lucille: You know I always get this way around Motherboy.

Michael: Oh, God, it's Motherboy time already?

Lucille: Normally, I'd go with Buster but he doesn't want to go. But with you, I think I've got a shot.

Michael: Buster for the first time ever, doesn't want to do this?

Narrator: [voice over] Motherboy was the name of an annual dance promoting mother-son bonding. Lucille has gone with Buster over 30 times, and on many occasions, won cutest couple. But as one entered sexual maturity and the other one left it, it became increasingly difficult.

Lucille: [Buster and Lucille are getting their picture taken] I'm so hot.

Buster: If you were hot, mother, we would win!

Eddie: But darling, that dress was awful! How did you manage to get her to wear it?

Patsy: Oh, I just told her a cock-and-bull story about how I was a slave to my mother in her dying years and how I always strived to make her like me and she never loved me at all, ha!

Eddie: Ooh!...

[reflects for a second]

Eddie: But Pats, sweetie... That is all *true*. Your mother never loved you at all.

Patsy: DAMN!

Peggy: Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.

Kelly: I'm scared; hold me, Mom.

Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.

Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.

Peggy: Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.

Debra Morgan: Do you wanna know why I'm not returning your phone calls? 'Cause I don't wanna talk to you. And I really don't wanna f---n' see you.

Dexter Morgan: Why?

Debra Morgan: [laughs] "Why"? Um... because you made me compromise everything about myself that I care about.

[Deb takes another swig from the beer she hasn't paid for]

Debra Morgan: And I hate you for it.

Dexter Morgan: [disbelieving] No you don't.

Debra Morgan: I shot the wrong person in that trailer.

Stuart Ullman: When the place was built in 1907, there was very little interest in winter sports. And this site was chosen for its seclusion and scenic beauty.

Jack Torrance: [laughs] Well, it's certainly got plenty of that.

Stuart Ullman: ...The winters can be fantastically cruel. And the basic idea is to cope with the very costly damage and depreciation which can occur. And this consists mainly of running the boiler, heating different parts of the hotel on a daily, rotating basis, repair damage as it occurs, and doing repairs so that the elements can't get a foothold.

Jack Torrance: Well, that sounds fine to me.

Stuart Ullman: Physically, it's not a very demanding job. The only thing that can get a bit trying up here during the winter is, uh, a tremendous sense of isolation.

Jack Torrance: Well, that just happens to be exactly what I'm looking for. I'm outlining a new writing project and, uh, five months of peace is just what I want.

Stuart Ullman: That's very good Jack, because, uh, for some people, solitude and isolation can, of itself become a problem.

Jack Torrance: Not for me.

Stuart Ullman: How about your wife and son? How do you think they'll take to it?

Jack Torrance: They'll love it.

I swear, this is the most disorganized household...

Jerri Blank: You're such a poo-hole, Derrick.

Derrick Blank: You're a fat goblin!

Sara Blank: Derrick...

Derrick Blank: Well, she is!

Sara Blank: I KNOW, Derrick. I have eyes.

Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: I have one son who's about to become my daughter, another son whom people are trying to kill, I have a lunatic stepson and a dummy living in my home and a husband who won't make love to me. That's not life, that's something by Tennessee Williams!

Mabel: I always understood you, and you always understood me and that was always just how it was, and that’s it. "Till death do us part," Nick. You said it. Remember? He said, "Do you, Mabel Mortensen, take this man?" "I do." "I do," Nick. "I do." Remember, I said "It's gonna work because I'm already pregnant."

Nick: Don't let that mind run away on you now.

Mabel: Remember how you laughed?

Nick: Don't, Mabel.

Mabel: Nick. You laughed.

Nick: Don't.

Mabel: Don't you remember? And he was mad as a big toad.

Nick: Don't do that.

Mabel: Hey, don't be sad. I know you love me.

Nick: Hey.

Mabel: We had plenty of time to find that out, didn't we? You and I know. You see that, Nick? That’s how close we are. And they can’t pull us apart. They can't force us apart. 'Cause we're together.

Nick: I don't know who you are.

Mabel: Don't say that, honey. I'm not sore at you. I'm not mad or anything.

Nick: Mabel... don't.

Mabel: You sit there and pretend you... all of that doesn't mean... and you know. You know. It's us. You're going with them out there on the outside.

Nick: Be still.

Mabel: And we're supposed to be on the inside. We were always there.

Nick: Shut up!

Mabel: You little... teeny... skinny... little... bug!

Ray: She took his dinner in to him once. Me mum, in the pub, and plonked it in front of him on a tray. Knife and fork, salt and pepper. He said, "What's that?" She said, "It's your dinner. I thought you might be hungry. You ain't eaten for three f--king days. You live in here, you might as well f--king eat in here." It's funny. He didn't like that, did he? Mugged him up in front of his mates. Thought more of them... than he did us. Lovely. Yeah. She got a clump over that. Well, she would, wouldn't she? He was always pissed in there, weren't he? You know? We go in the pub to get our living, you know? That's where we do our business. He'd be there spunking out while we're sitting at home without a dinar, you know, thank you. And he'd promise things. You know? Promise to take us places, you know? Never did. Never took us anywhere. And when he did bother to come home he'd sit in that f---ing chair, doss off with his tray in his lap. And I'd just stand there looking at him. I'd look in his face, and my mother'd go upstairs, and I'd say, "Say, Mum, ain't Daddy coming to bed?" And she'd say, "No. No, he's all right, son. He'll come up when he wakes up." He's gotta wake up to go to bed!

Carolyn Burnham: Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?

Lester Burnham: Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go f--k himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.

Carolyn Burnham: Your father seems to think this kind of behavior is something to be proud of.

Lester Burnham: And your mother seems to prefer that I go through life like a f--king prisoner while she keeps my d--k in a mason jar under the sink.

Carolyn Burnham: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.

Lester Burnham: Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass the asparagus, please.