What NOT to see
Movies that insult the very notion of cinema.
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- DirectorMilos FormanStarsJim CarreyDanny DeVitoGerry BeckerThe life and career of legendary comedian Andy Kaufman.There was NO point in making a movie about a zero like Andy Kaufman. Who ever would have thought that the director of "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest", "Ragtime" and "Amadeus" could release a piece of garbage like this?
- DirectorNorman JewisonStarsTony CurtisPhil SilversSuzanne PleshetteHilarity ensues when a casino manager spends a day at Disneyland with a cute but troublesome little girl.This example of "family fun" feels like 40 tons of lead.
- DirectorWoody AllenStarsWoody AllenGoldie HawnJulia RobertsA New York girl sets her father up with a beautiful woman in a troubled marriage while her stepsister gets engaged.There's nothing to love about a story of neurotic rich New Yorkers, especially when it's a musical.
- DirectorStanley KubrickStarsTom CruiseNicole KidmanTodd FieldA Manhattan doctor embarks on a bizarre, night-long odyssey after his wife's admission of unfulfilled longing.Stanley Kubrick did what I thought that he couldn't: he made a movie that had no plot.
- DirectorsMichael CurtizFriz FrelengStarsJack CarsonDoris DayLee BowmanAn agent must search for a new personality to replace a popular singer who refuses to renew his radio contract. He finds one in the form of a single mother, but complications soon occur.This is a dream? Give me nightmares any day!
- DirectorStewart RaffillStarsChristine EbersoleJonathan WardJade CalegoryAn alien trying to escape from NASA is befriended by a wheelchair-bound boy.Is it more of an "E.T." ripoff or is it more of a commercial for McDonald's and Coca-Cola? Whatever the case, it's a poor excuse for a movie.
- DirectorH. Bruce HumberstoneStarsDavid NivenVera-EllenCesar RomeroA chorus girl gets a ride from millionaire Bruno's driver. The cash-strapped theater director thinks, she's Bruno's girlfriend and makes her the lead. She meets Bruno, thinking he's a reporter. More confusion follows.There are a number of good movies set in Scotland. This is not one of them.
- DirectorHugh HudsonStarsBen CrossIan CharlesonNicholas FarrellTwo British track athletes, one a determined Jew and the other a devout Christian, are driven to win in the 1924 Olympics as they wrestle with issues of pride and conscience.Not a look at the triumph of spirit, but rather a glorification of English high society.
- DirectorMike NewellStarsJohn CusackBilly Bob ThorntonCate BlanchettA feud develops between two air traffic controllers: one cocky and determined while the other is restrained and laidback, which inevitably affects their lives.Uh, WHAT was this supposed to be about?!
- DirectorDominic SenaStarsNicolas CageAngelina JolieGiovanni RibisiTo save his brother, ex-thief Memphis must steal 50 luxury cars in 3 days for a crime boss. He reunites his old crew, including his mentor Otto and ex-girlfriend Sway, while police track them.If you're lucky, it'll be gone from your memory in that amount of time.
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsJeff GoldblumJulianne MoorePete PostlethwaiteA research team is sent to the Jurassic Park Site B island to study the dinosaurs there, while an InGen team approaches with another agenda.Steven Spielberg mistakenly thought that his Oscar win for "Schindler's List" gave him the right to insult everyone's intelligence.
- DirectorIvan ReitmanStarsHarrison FordAnne HecheDavid SchwimmerRobin Monroe, a New York magazine editor, and the gruff pilot Quinn Harris must put aside their mutual dislike if they are to survive after crash landing on a deserted South Seas island.The original "Swept Away" did a great job with it, and "Gilligan's Island" made it funny. This movie makes it boring.
- DirectorMichael BayStarsBruce WillisBilly Bob ThorntonBen AffleckAfter discovering that an asteroid the size of Texas will impact Earth in less than a month, NASA recruits a misfit team of deep-core drillers to save the planet.Michael Bay directed it. 'Nuff said.
- DirectorJoel SchumacherStarsArnold SchwarzeneggerGeorge ClooneyChris O'DonnellBatman and Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City.After this movie, it's amazing that anyone was able to revive the franchise.
- DirectorMimi LederStarsGeorge ClooneyNicole KidmanMarcel IuresA US Army colonel and a civilian woman supervising him must track down stolen Russian nuclear weapons before they're used by terrorists.George Clooney is now a respected actor. At the end of 1997 his career looked dead in the water thanks to this movie and "Batman & Robin".
- DirectorRobert BentonStarsAnthony HopkinsNicole KidmanEd HarrisWhen a disgraced former college dean has a romance with a mysterious younger woman haunted by her dark, twisted past, he is forced to confront a shocking fact about his own life that he has kept secret for fifty years.Let it be known: some moron actually thought that the pasty Anthony Hopkins could pass for mulatto.
- DirectorWilliam AsherStarsFrankie AvalonAnnette FunicelloDeborah WalleyFrankie, DeeDee, and the gang meet singing sensation Sugar Kane in a publicity stunt; they all get introduced to skydiving and get caught up in love.This movie - masquerading as a look at sexuality - belongs on the beach alright...buried under the sand, preferably encased in cement.
- DirectorBrian LevantStarsJohn GoodmanRick MoranisRosie O'DonnellIn a parallel modern-day Stone Age world, a working-class family, the Flintstones, are set up for an executive job. But they learn that money can't buy happiness.There is no better argument for the existence of brain bleach than this disgrace to a classic TV show. Elizabeth Taylor must have spent the last seventeen years of her life kicking herself for having this as her final movie.
- DirectorPeter ChelsomStarsWarren BeattyDiane KeatonNastassja KinskiTwo loving middle aged couples get caught in a series of marital misadventures over reasons of fidelity.Unless Warren Beatty stars in another movie before he dies, he will have had one of the saddest careers: as the original star of his generation, he ended his career with this vomit-inducer.
- DirectorJosef RusnakStarsCraig BierkoGretchen MolArmin Mueller-StahlComputer scientist Douglas Hall unknowingly gets involved in the murder of his colleague, Hannon Fuller, a computer genius, who is killed just before the testing of his newly launched virtual reality simulation programme."The Matrix" dealt with a simulated reality and made it interesting. "The Thirteenth Floor" dealt with a simulated reality and had the most muddled plot imaginable.
