53 films from 2013, Part I: The Lows
Counting DOWN,
so "The Wolf of Wall Street" is actually # 21 and "Girl on a Bicycle" (by far) the worst movie of my year.
so "The Wolf of Wall Street" is actually # 21 and "Girl on a Bicycle" (by far) the worst movie of my year.
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- DirectorMartin ScorseseStarsLeonardo DiCaprioJonah HillMargot RobbieBased on the true story of Jordan Belfort, from his rise to a wealthy stock-broker living the high life to his fall involving crime, corruption and the federal government.Probably the biggest disappointment of the year: All the Scorsese-energy wasted on a one-dimensional character; there is (again) no joy in Leo DiCaprio’s performance. And everything that has to be said about those shady/complicated/psychotic guys (and anti-heroes) has already been said much, much better by Scorsese in films like GOODFELLAS and CASINO and THE DEPARTED and THE AVIATOR and TAXI DRIVER and MEAN STREETS and ... You certainly get the idea: in every other Scorsese-movie (except for SHUTTER ISLAND). THE WOLF OF WALL STREET is the continuation of Scorsese’s downward-spiral that began with SHINE A LIGHT and the hollow SHUTTER ISLAND. It is also piece of evidence # 1 that 2013 was, in a sad way, a marquee year for directorial disappointments.
- DirectorBrad FurmanStarsBen AffleckJustin TimberlakeGemma ArtertonWhen a poor college student who cracks an online poker game goes bust, he arranges a face-to-face with the man he thinks cheated him, a sly offshore entrepreneur.Was Brad Furman’s THE LINCOLN LAWYER just a fluke? Watching RUNNER RUNNER, a lifeless, dumb potboiler with unconvincing character development and uninspired actors, there was no way around that thought.
- DirectorRobert RodriguezStarsDanny TrejoAlexa PenaVegaMel GibsonThe U.S. government recruits Machete to battle his way through Mexico in order to take down an arms dealer who looks to launch a weapon into space.The joke of a C-movie glorifying C-movies might have been funny (to some) as part of the concept of GRINDHOUSE, the movie. As a movie of its own, amped up with B-movie-millions, it was not so delectable the first time. The second time around, it’s just dull.
- DirectorOliver HirschbiegelStarsNaomi WattsNaveen AndrewsCas AnvarDuring the last two years of her life, Princess Diana embarks on a final rite of passage: a secret love affair with Pakistani heart surgeon Hasnat Khan.So Lady Di was misunderstood and mistreated and nobody knew about her real love? Being told all that by Oliver Hirschbiegel, you start to think: When legend becomes fact, sometimes it’s better to tell neither.
- DirectorNicolas Winding RefnStarsRyan GoslingKristin Scott ThomasVithaya PansringarmJulian, a drug-smuggler thriving in Bangkok's criminal underworld, sees his life get even more complicated when his mother compels him to find and kill whoever is responsible for his brother's recent death.The stoic silence of Ryan Gosling in DRIVE had its share of pleasures. But ONLY GOD FORGIVES dwells so much in its coolness it stopped being ridiculous and started to bore me out of my mind. Strange thing almost no one has pointed out the atmospheric similarities to Gaspar Noé’s vastly superior IRRÉVERSIBLE. They show you clearly how shallow Refn’s film feels.
- DirectorM. Night ShyamalanStarsJaden SmithDavid DenmanWill SmithA crash landing leaves Kitai Raige and his father Cypher stranded on Earth, a millennium after events forced humanity's escape. With Cypher injured, Kitai must embark on a perilous journey to signal for help.It’s almost too easy to dismiss this silly catalogue of Scientology ideas, clumsily disguised as an „action adventure“. What’s shocking is how sleepy the film is. It leaves you wondering whatever happened to M. Night Shyamalan after THE SIXTH SENSE. That film was not only clever but also deftly orchestrated. Everything after that must have been put together by a different man. Anything else just doesn’t make one sense.
- DirectorMatthias SchweighöferTorsten KünstlerStarsSascha AlexanderAriane PochonMartin NeuhausPaul, an employee at a professional separation agency that helps couples break up amicably, tries to tackle the problems that come with Toto, the boyfriend of a customer, while he has his own thinking to do about love and relationships.Whoever hasn’t been confronted with the actor/director Matthias Schweighöfer can consider him-/herself to be very lucky. Schweighöfer is an omnipresent pest in German movies. And he definitely has too much time on his hands. Nothing he did in 2013 was as awful as his 2011’s credits – the creepy and inept romantic comedy WHAT A MAN (in which he not only acted but also debuted as a director) and the abysmal TOOTSIE-remake RUBBELDIEKATZ (directed by the once competent Detlev Buck). But it was nevertheless hard to take his 2013-overacting in KOKOWÄÄH 2 (directed by Til Schweiger, who can be a pain in the butt himself, but not in the same way as Schweighöfer) and FRAU ELLA (which at least had Ruth Maria Kubitschek to show for). On top of that Schweighöfer had enough spare time to direct SCHLUSSMACHER, another tasteless romantic comedy, this time with a buddy-movie-subtext and – I have to admit – two or three jokes that forced me to giggle, thanks to Milan Peschel and Nadja Uhl. Am I getting soft? Definitely not. I just saw the preview for Schweighöfer’s next acting/directing-job, called VATERFREUDEN, and this promises to be a return to the moronic lows of WHAT A MAN.
- DirectorPedro AlmodóvarStarsJavier CámaraPepa CharroCecilia RothWhen it appears as though the end is in sight, the pilots, flight crew, and passengers of a plane heading to Mexico City look to forget the anguish of the moment and face the greatest danger, which we carry within ourselves.Scorsese, Refn, Furman … Let me continue the directorial disappointmens with the new movie by Pedro Almodóvar (whose HABLE CON ELLA ranks among my favorites of the last decade): a little comedy whose silliness can’t mask how silly it is. And banal. And unfunny.
- DirectorBrian De PalmaStarsRachel McAdamsNoomi RapaceKaroline HerfurthThe rivalry between the manipulative boss of an advertising agency and her talented protégée escalates from stealing credit to public humiliation to murder.Next on the director’s menu: Brian DePalma’s PASSION, which is not only overblown (and ridiculous) in its Now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t-get-it sense of realism – it is also without visual charm and fleshed-out charcters. Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace come off as unsexy and unsympathetic and couldn’t hold my interest. (DePalma fared significantly better with Karoline Herfurth in a supporting role.) Rapace was even more off than in Ridley Scott’s PROMETHEUS, which leaves you wondering in what roles she can succeed.
- DirectorTerrence MalickStarsBen AffleckOlga KurylenkoJavier BardemAfter falling in love in Paris, Marina and Neil come to Oklahoma, where problems arise. Their church's Spanish-born pastor struggles with his faith, while Neil encounters a woman from his childhood.I’ve never had much fun with Terrence Malick since he returned with THE THIN RED LINE, but at least there was always a sense of wonder in what he was doing. TO THE WONDER felt so pretentious that it succeeded in putting me into deep sleep. That was not what I was looking for.
- DirectorLuc BessonStarsRobert De NiroMichelle PfeifferDianna AgronThe Manzoni family, a notorious Mafia clan, is relocated to Normandy, France, under the Witness Protection Program, where fitting in soon becomes challenging as their old habits die hard.More directorial mishaps? Take this pseudo-funny gangster movie starring Robert De Niro and Michelle Pfeiffer in autopilot mode. Is this really the work of Luc Besson, the director who once delighted me with NIKITA and LÉON – THE PROFESSIONAL? The life of a US mob family relegated to France mixes up humor and violence in a sick way. (By the way: I’m sick of films that try to draw jokes from beatings and killings.)
- DirectorElizabeth BanksSteven BrillSteve CarrStarsEmma StoneStephen MerchantRichard GereA series of interconnected short films follows a washed-up producer as he pitches insane story lines featuring some of the biggest stars in Hollywood.What would we think of KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE, if it premiered today? Much, much more than of this half-baked satire that managed to waste even most of the few good ideas.
- DirectorNick LoveStarsRay WinstonePlan BHayley AtwellA hardened detective in the Flying Squad of London's Metropolitan police. Based on the '70s UK TV show.(aka The Sweeney; Nick Love)
I’m getting so tired of amateurs posing as professionals. Ray Winstone is supposed to be a complex, „dark“ character, but in reality he just doesn’t get things right. Jean-Pierre Melville would cringe watching a debacle like that. - DirectorGabriele MuccinoStarsGerard ButlerJessica BielDennis QuaidA former sports star who's fallen on hard times starts coaching his son's football team as a way to get his life together. His attempts to become an adult are met with challenges from the attractive football moms who pursue him at every turn.(aka Playing for Keeps)
A romantic soccer fable that doesn’t understand one bit of the sport it shows. And the characters are a mess, including the unlikeable lead Gerald Butler. - DirectorVanessa JoppStarsBenno FürmannLouis HofmannJördis TriebelA single man must suddenly look after his nephew.Nearly all romantic comedies have been told, but as long as the stories are being told with conviction, the concept of boy loses girl/boy finds girl stays irresistible. But if they are told as bluntly as in this German piece, they just hurt.
- DirectorKatrin GebbeStarsJulius FeldmeierSascha Alexander GersakAnnika KuhlInspired by horrifying true events, Nothing Bad Can Happen follows Tore, a young lost soul involved with an underground Christian punk movement who falls in with a dysfunctional family who test his seemingly unwavering faith.An ambitious German movie about a young tall blond man who is so weak that he is turned into a human punching ball by his new „friends“ who not only kick their own liberal ideas with their feet. Sure, this is heavy stuff and you can see the intention of director Katrin Gebbe. But showing unbearable stuff in an unbearable manner is not making things more bearable – but only a demonstration of power.
- DirectorJustin ZackhamStarsRobert De NiroDiane KeatonKatherine HeiglA long-divorced couple fakes being married as their family unites for a wedding.Another De-Niro-clunker, it’s MALAVITA without the guns or the mayhem. Instead we’re treated to bad (sex) jokes and reprehensible comedic scenes. Whatever happened to Robert De Niro’s perfect role-record between 1973 and 1989, a period that by the way ended with the horrible „comedy“ WE’RE NO ANGELS?
- DirectorGuillaume CanetStarsClive OwenMarion CotillardBilly CrudupTwo brothers on either side of the law face off over organized crime in Brooklyn during the 1970s.Another example of amateurs doing the jobs of pros, this is a European thriller on US territory (New York), set in the 1970’s and wasting the talents of Clive Owen, Billy Crudup, Marion Cotillard, James Caan, Lili Taylor, Zoe Saldana and Mila Kunis. How on earth is that possible? Ask director Guillaume Canet.
- DirectorValeria Bruni TedeschiStarsValeria Bruni TedeschiLouis GarrelFilippo TimiA family is forced to sell their Italian home.What’s worse than a botched European genre piece? An arty-farty treatment of spoiled European idiots, represented here by the likes of Valeria Bruni Tedeschi, Louis Garrel (pfuäh!) and Xavier Beauvois. One has to admit that not everything is foreseeable – but that’s only because the twists and turns are so demented.
- DirectorRuben FleischerStarsSean PennRyan GoslingEmma StoneIt's 1949 Los Angeles, the city is run by gangsters and a malicious mobster, Mickey Cohen. Determined to end the corruption, John O'Mara assembles a team of cops, ready to take down the ruthless leader and restore peace to the city.What’s worse than a botched European genre piece AND an arty-farty treatment of spoiled European idiots? A seriously botched US genre piece that violates everything you’ve come to love about film noir. GANGSTER SQUAD is so horribly bad that you don’t even feel sorry for the talent involved. Starring Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone, the dream-couple from CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE, that means a lot. Is the director Ruben Fleischer really the same Ruben Fleischer of ZOMBIELAND? As with Brad Furman (of RUNNER RUNNER, see # 20) I asked myself: Was I blind then? Has the director been blinded by his success? Or was he just plain lucky with the former film?
- DirectorJeremy LevenStarsVincenzo AmatoNora TschirnerLouise MonotJust when Paolo, an Italian in Paris, is ready to propose to his girlfriend Greta, he sees beautiful young Cecile on her bicycle.(aka Girl on a Bicycle)
How low can you go? This is supposed to be an international romantic comedy directed by Jeremy Leven (of DON JUAN DE MARCO) starring Nora Tschirner as a stewardess in love who is afraid that the man of her dreams is engaged to another woman. Nothing makes sense here, there are whole sequences that don’t go anywhere. It’s a textbook example of how you do EVERYTHING wrong in a movie – in regard to characters, settings, jokes and timing. So this movie could actually be of some use: as a warning in film schools.