I Want My Money Back
Movies that are so mind-numbingly bad that I wanted to jam an ice pick into my forehead after watching them.
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26 titles
- DirectorWes CravenStarsMax ThieriotJohn MagaroDenzel WhitakerA serial killer returns to his hometown to stalk seven children who share the same birthday as the date he was allegedly put to rest.Sorry Wes, you've clearly lost your mojo.
- DirectorDavid R. EllisStarsSara PaxtonDustin MilliganChris CarmackA weekend at a lake house in the Louisiana Gulf turns into a nightmare for seven vacationers as they are subjected to shark attacks.Worst film of 2011 and that is saying a lot considering Transformers 3 and Green Lantern both came out in 2011.
- DirectorBruce CampbellStarsBruce CampbellGrace ThorsenTaylor SharpeMistaken for his character Ash from the 'Evil Dead' trilogy, Bruce Campbell is forced to fight a real monster in a small Oregon town.Don't get me wrong I love The Chin, but the Patron Saint of Bean Curd? C'mon Bruce.
- DirectorSamuel BayerStarsJackie Earle HaleyRooney MaraKyle GallnerThe spectre of a disfigured man haunts the children of the parents who murdered him, stalking and killing them in their dreams.Completely unnecessary remake of a classic. Great casting of Jackie Earl Haley but he is wasted under makeup that looks like those stupid cat creatures from Sleepwalkers. Add an unlikable protagonist and the result... a turgid piece of crap.
- DirectorMarcus NispelStarsJared PadaleckiAmanda RighettiDerek MearsA group of young adults visit a boarded up campsite named Crystal Lake where they soon encounter the mysterious Jason Voorhees and his deadly intentions.Someone really needs to boot those Platinum Dunes guys upside the head.
- DirectorGeorge A. RomeroStarsAlan Van SprangKenneth WelshKathleen MunroeOn an island off the coast of North America, local residents simultaneously fight a zombie epidemic while hoping for a cure to return their un-dead relatives back to their human state.I thought Diary of the Dead was bad. This one is even worse.
- DirectorRob ZombieStarsScout Taylor-ComptonTyler ManeMalcolm McDowellLaurie Strode struggles to come to terms with her brother Michael's deadly return to Haddonfield, Illinois; meanwhile, Michael prepares for another reunion with his sister.Zombie can make a good movie but he was the wrong choice for the Halloween franchise. His first one was barely passable but this one is horrible.
- DirectorLucky McKeeStarsPollyanna McIntoshBrandon Gerald FullerLauren Ashley CarterWhen a successful country lawyer captures and attempts to "civilize" the last remaining member of a violent clan that has roamed the Northeast coast for decades, he puts the lives of his family in jeopardy.Someone needs to kick Lucky McKee out of the Directors Guild. Has he made a good movie yet? He's the Brett Ratner of horror.
- DirectorMimi LederStarsRobert DuvallTéa LeoniElijah WoodA comet is discovered to be on a collision course with Earth. As doomsday nears, the human race prepares for the worst.Laughable.
- DirectorMichael BayStarsShia LaBeoufRosie Huntington-WhiteleyTyrese GibsonThe Autobots learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the moon, and race against the Decepticons to reach it and to learn its secrets.I can sum this movie up in one word... incoherent.
- DirectorCatherine HardwickeStarsKristen StewartRobert PattinsonBilly BurkeWhen Bella Swan moves to a small town in the Pacific Northwest, she falls in love with Edward Cullen, a mysterious classmate who reveals himself to be a 108-year-old vampire.If this is what young people enjoy nowadays, I fear for our future.
- DirectorDarren Lynn BousmanStarsTimothy GibbsMichael LandesBrendan PriceAfter the death of his wife and child, an author travels to Barcelona to see his estranged brother and dying father, where he learns that his life is plagued by events that occur on 11/11/11.90 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
- DirectorKelly SmithStarsSophie LinfieldSam HazeldineGordon AlexanderTwo couples spend a weekend in the country, only to cross paths with a brutal serial killer. As the body count rises, suspicion spirals into paranoia, climaxing in a terrifying battle for survival.Don't Let It Into your Blu-Ray
- DirectorTimothy A. CheyStarsMalcolm McDowellShannen FieldsCorbin BernsenA down-and-out law student sues Satan for $8 trillion dollars. Satan appears to defend himself with seven of the greatest trial lawyers, and the trial of the century begins.Ignore the "planted" reviews. This is a wretched piece of *beep* Just when you thought Malcolm McDowell couldn't sink lower than Zombie's Halloween II he cranks out this turd.
- DirectorRobin HardyStarsBrittania NicolHenry GarrettGraham McTavishCharmed by the residents of Tressock, Scotland, two young missionaries accept the invitation to participate in a local festival, fully unaware of the consequences of their decision.Abysmal
- DirectorPeter BergStarsAlexander SkarsgårdBrooklyn DeckerLiam NeesonA fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.I really didn't think they could make a good movie based on a board game. Turns out, I was right. If this is what movie-goers are asking for nowadays, we are screwed.
- DirectorEvan KellyStarsSteve ChambersJames GilbertDavid Patrick FlemmingFriends on a weekend excursion take a path into a forest that leads to death and destruction.A pretty decent first and second act ruined by an abysmal third act.
- DirectorAnthony HemingwayStarsCuba Gooding Jr.Gerald McRaneyDavid OyelowoA crew of African American pilots in the Tuskegee training program, having faced segregation while kept mostly on the ground during World War II, are called into duty under the guidance of Col. A.J. Bullard.An insult to the real Tuskegee Airmen. Lucas proves, once again, he hasn't a clue how to make a good film anymore.
- DirectorDarren Lynn BousmanStarsStephen MoyerMia KirshnerAllie MacDonaldA man takes his family on a camping trip and becomes convinced they are being stalked by the legendary monster of the New Jersey Pine Barrens: the Jersey Devil.Congrats Mr Bousman, you've made my list twice. You are starting to make Lucky McKee look like an auteur.
- DirectorDan BradleyStarsChris HemsworthIsabel LucasJosh HutchersonA group of teenagers look to save their town from an invasion of North Korean soldiers.There are so many things wrong with this film I don't have enough space to list them all. This makes the original look like Citizen Kane.
- CreatorPaul T. ScheuringStarsAnthony EdwardsCarmen EjogoScott Michael FosterRevolves around a bizarre twist of fate that pulls a man who's spent 20 years as the editor of a skeptics magazine into one of the most compelling conspiracies in human history.I realize that this is a TV series but an exception had to be made. This is the most mind-numblingly stupid thing I have ever seen. How this made it beyond the script stage is beyond me.
- DirectorChad Crawford KinkleStarsSean BridgersLauren Ashley CarterKaitlin CullumWhen she learns the supernatural pit worshipped by her remote community in the woods has demanded her as a blood sacrifice, Ada struggles to find a way to survive, while the pit lashes out in anger.It's as if someone had a list of things that would offend people and tried to check all the boxes. Incest... check. Miscarriage... check. Mom diddling her daughter's privates... check. I'm not a prude but this flick was pointless.
What a surprise, Lucky McKee was involved. - DirectorTi WestStarsJoe SwanbergAJ BowenKentucker AudleyA news team trails a man as he travels into the world of Eden Parish to find his missing sister, where it becomes apparent that this paradise may not be as it seems.An insult to the Victims of the real Jonestown Massacre.
- DirectorPaul FeigStarsMelissa McCarthyKristen WiigKate McKinnonFollowing a ghost invasion of Manhattan, paranormal enthusiasts Erin Gilbert and Abby Yates, nuclear engineer Jillian Holtzmann, and subway worker Patty Tolan band together to stop the otherworldly threat.I could care less if it has an all-female cast, the thing I do care about is that is horribly unfunny.
- DirectorOren PeliStarsKatie FeatherstonMicah SloatMark FredrichsAfter moving into a suburban home, a couple becomes increasingly disturbed by a nightly demonic presence.Watching people sleep is not my idea of entertainment.
- DirectorJonathan StraitonStarsTrey HarrisonRebecca C. KasekWayne W. JohnsonTeenage friends out for beach week get unexpectedly detoured to a isolated motel where a deadly STD virus now runs rampant, turning those infected into the living dead.A steaming bag of dung