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Dante's Peak (1997)
Better than Volcano.
I always remembered this being a bad film, until I watched it the other day and it's actually not that bad. For the time the effects are up there with the best and it's sort of realistic. Sort of, as in there are no moo-ing cows flying around in a tornado... and no leather faced long-lobed Lee jones to stamp his singular character acting on the whole thing. Like a miserable over used hand bag from your moms closet.
Of course though, Brosnan is Brosnan and he can't help but try so damn hard to look majestic at any given moment. I would've added a scene where he has to take a dump to. Save the town or something just to piss him off.
Dave (2020)
Completely unlikeable protagonist
I dunno if it's meant to be about someone showing growth, but if it is, it doesn't show it well... he comes across as a d*ck in every season... "Dave" is from a privileged background with a certain sense of humour that just isn't funny to me at all. The show shows different cultures clashing and how much of a melting pot Dave has created by just being Dave. The narcissism is touched on but overall the entire show is narcissistic because it's bragging about just how loveable and relatable the main character is, when he's just not? I really didn't like it and I really don't like Dave. Is the rapping he does as lil dicky supposed to be basic and trite? Because if it is, then they pulled that off at least. If it's not, then it's laughable as entertainment in itself. Boo to this.
Room (2015)
Freedom vs unconditional love
I have read many reviews referencing the selfless efforts of the mother to keep her child as normal as possible in a outrageously twisted situation....and that is very much the current of the movie. However, If you try to get past this and look at the bigger picture, to me this film is about just how important freedom is in everyday life, how the outside world is vital to life, and how pretty much everyone in in the western world takes it for granted. Maybe it's actual human nature to take it for granted j til it's compromised?
Anyway, in my opinion, this film raises interesting questions about a mothers love, and how many risks she's willing to take for freedom.
It's interesting to consider just how important the open, outside world is to someone who has had it taken away all of a sudden, and even more so to a grown child experiencing it for the first time. Almost like a delayed birth.
Outback Lockdown (2020)
Who are these people, and why are they on TV?!
I have no idea what makes a "survival expert", but I'm 37 and not dead yet so do I qualify? And apparently her boyfriend is a somewhat successful chef here in the UK (I've never heard of him) so obviously that makes him able to advise others on how to survive in the outback of Australia...
One minute they're seemingly frustrated that they can't hunt the kangaroos, then they're close to tears when they find a kangaroo that's had been shot dead.
I actually have no shadow of a doubt that if they were dropped somewhere in the middle of nowhere, with no cameras, or 4x4s, or a house to stay in, that they would die within a fairly short amount of time.
Every time he lectures the camera on the preservation of nature, I want to go and throw some old car batteries into the ocean.
Locked In (2023)
A laughable attempt at modern film
To say this was a struggle to watch is an understatement.
It's already a huge issue when you have a weak and unimaginative storyline - but then theres the fact that none of the main characters are at all likeable in any way shape or form, so you're actually rooting for no one at all from the very beginning.
Maybe it's because the entire cast seem to be painfully over acting at every given opportunity; or it's because the characters are just badly written. Spoiler - it's definitely both.
I couldn't help but feel genuinely embarrassed for each of them, because the effort shows they must've thought this would be some kind of success or something...
All the metaphors and cut scenes are just badly copied and pasted from other more successful things, giving it a really cheap feel overall. Like off brand packaging.
Half of the time it feels like a sixth form media project in which students must make an advert for a Mercedes 4x4.
On top of all this, the cinematography is all very one dimensional and it makes the whole thing a yawnfest. It's just embarrassing to watch, let alone to be involved in the creation of.
Definitely one of the worst things I've seen in this day and age. My advice would be not to bother.
Gladiator (2000)
Ancient Rome is kewl
I was truly disappointed to find out just how historically inaccurate this film is because I really enjoy watching it. Not so much in the storyline, but in the costume department and sets. It's really an epic film, which is visually spectacular, but I feel like now I know about the inaccuracies I can't take it as seriously as I would like to. I see a lot of reviews saying Joaquin Phoenix as Commodus is amazing, and he really is, but the other supporting actors should definitely be commended for how good they were. Even the tigers. They say that men think about Ancient Rome an unusual amount and it probably has something to do with this film.
Aliens (1986)
A satisfying continuation of Alien
As a kid i recorded this from TV, and the tape was worn out. It's like a group of 9 year old boys were asked what they wanted to see in an Alien sequel and we're like - "Cool soldiers in space shoot the aliens and then Ripley gets a power loader and kills the big one at the end ok?"
As an adult I watch it more for nostalgia but still appreciate the efforts made. The sets look amazing and stand the test of time. The acting is tongue in cheek and actually pretty flawless. The subtle feeling of forbidding remains throughout the film via a dark atmosphere which in my opinion is one of only a few real continuations from the first movie. The storyline is overly simple which can come across as pretty fragmented and flimsy at times. Other than that it's just solid entertainment throughout. A true classic.
Wilderness (2023)
The actor who plays Will is so bad it hurts.
I started watching this by accident and all I have to say is that the actor who plays Will cannot act in any way shape or form.
I dare anyone to watch this and note down the amount of times he repeats the first word of a sentence when the storyline gets more..."intense" and calls for actual acting. I guess that it's simply how the guy portrays the "incredibly obscure & difficult to portray" emotion of "being nervous".
All that aside - It's actually laughable and completely ruined the whole thing for me. Although some viewers may find it tempting, I just want to say that it would be an incredibly bad idea to down a shot every time he repeats himself - in a kind of drinking game, because you would most definitely end up in A&E with alcohol poisoning and having your stomach pumped.
Another thing that struck me as confusing is that he's arguably the second most important character in the entire thing - yet his acting abilities would appear unqualified even in an episode of Hollyoaks. Therefore I have absolutely no idea how he got cast in this. I have now officially spent far too much time thinking about "Will from Wilderness" so my conclusion is that it must be another example of "it's not WHAT you know - it's WHO you know." In the entertainment business.
Spivak (2018)
An embarrassing attempt at film
Very boring unclear storyline with no character arcs. They also patronise the audience a lot by having the main character read out e-mails aloud to himself while he's alone. Is this a comedy or a drama? Cos it's definitely not funny, and not dramatic.
All of this aside though, the main reason I found this difficult tk get through, is that the main character (Wally or whatever his name is...) is simply not likeable in any way shape or form. He is moody, especially to his friends for no real reason. He is needy, and also seems desperate and judgemental It's just not believable that a character like this would get a girl like this, and his screen presence certainly doesn't make the audience role for his success...
Oppenheimer (2023)
Nolan's worst film by far.
Pathetic jump scares. Unnecessary nudity. An hour too long.
I have nothing against jump scares and nudity - I just don't see the relevance.
The first twenty minutes or so the film jumps around abruptly, some parts in black and white, and I thought it was gonna be awful.
It was okay for about an hour after that. After we're done with anything bomb related the film turns back into a boring mess of timeline jumping and poor acting. Metaphors of guilt, and grandiose expressions.
The "nuclear" explosion looks nothing like a real one. Also, he's put a lot of nudity and jump scares in it, so I can only imagine he must've known how boring it was.
Of Mice and Men (1992)
Was i the only one okay with the outcome at the end?
So I watched this last week for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I like John Malkovich. But throughout this movie, I couldn't get on with Lennie. Yeah I guess he has learning difficulties or whatever, but that doesn't excuse the fact he's a self centred, violent person with no regard for the lives of anyone else. He likes animals because they feel soft, and when he over does it and kills them, he is not upset, just worried about getting in trouble. He doesn't listen to anyone or care about anyone else. Well, he listens to George, but only because he can't survive without him and he seems somewhat smart enough to acknowledge that... Yet he still ignores him when he asks him to do something. He eventually essentially just hands all of his problems over to him to deal with until it becomes too much.
Assassination Nation (2018)
Pathetic attempt at social commentary
Boring pointless protagonists. Not particularly understandable or believable antagonists. Feels like whoever made this mess was torn between trying to make some kind of remark on modern day sex and internet culture, and an action/horror.
At every key part of this film I lost count of how many times I thought "But why would they do that though?". Plot holes aside, it's just not at all believable. The parents reaction. The police response. The whole Town's unified misdirected anger. The girls actions. The guys over violent tendencies.
Don't be fooled by any implications of anything deep or relevent. The storywriting is complete trash and ruins the whole experience. They should've at least made one character at all likeable or relatable in order for the audience to relate or empathise.
Vesper (2022)
An unavoidable car crash with plot holes this deep
The budget for this film must have been about £90. It seems empty of actors, dialogue, wardrobe, sets, continuity and storyline.
It's actually really difficult for me to find a film of this variety uninteresting (post apocalyptic with some sci-fi) - I usually love things like that. However, when the credits finally ran, It just felt like I'd watched the first ten minutes of a normal (yet still rubbish) film that had been dragged out over 1 hour 54 minutes.
At times the acting is straight out of Grange Hill, and the entire thing felt like something we would have been made to improvise in my year 8 drama class.
Is it just me or is Netflix pretty quickly churning out a whole new level of terrible entertainment like this? It seems they definitely value quantity over quality anyway..:
Was her knife meant to be a nod to Book of Eli? Was the floating smiley face thing a nod to Castaway?
Who cares? I've wasted enough time already by watching it.
Dreamland (2019)
The storyline goes nowhere
This is essentially about a guy who loves a girl who loves him back and then dies. Except for it's in olden times.
The camera pans away to shots of skies and that to try and make you feel emotional about stuff, but it's just laughable.
Really tried to be something. Swing and a miss. Super pretentious. The actors are really trying like they think there might be something in it for them. There isn't.
They are unbelievable as lovers. Even his dad or stepdad is unbelievable as his dad. And his little sister is definitely unbelievable as his little sister.
She narrates the whole thing by the way. As to why? - your guess is as good as mine.
Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Let's forget this happened and re-make it?
It's almost like a 7 year old wrote the storyline to this film.
"And then they fell down, and then a monster came, and then Chewie died, and then he came back, and then the emperor was there, and then he had a thousand space ships,"
I really want this film to go into the bin and to get another one made. Revenge of the sith came out in 2005 and surely everyone has accepted the prequel trilogy as cannon now? To ignore it entirely is just wrong. I'd have loved to seen some references to it more than just some vague voices rushed in at the end.
Please please please mark this film down as a mistake and re-make it. It's by far the worst Star Wars film.
The Father (2020)
Heartbreaking.
Watching someone deteriorate this much from dementia is devastating and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. This film highlights just how difficult it must be for everyone involved with this awful affliction.
Bill Burr Presents: Friends Who Kill (2022)
Get in the bin
Firstly I'll just say I'm a Bill Burr fan. But... I just discovered someone called Steph Tolev on this who is one of the least funny comedians I've experienced. She makes cliché vagina "jokes" and her actions and noises made me physically cringe in my chair. The rest is just awful including a guy who sings an immature song that 12 year olds wouldn't find funny.
The Batman (2022)
Really boring
Basically if you've seen the trailer, you've seen all the good parts of this film. The rest of it is a lot of standing around talking about who's Dad is who and who's Dad did what. I'm not a fan of any of Matt Reeves films really, he loves long scenes of long conversations which are difficult to concentrate on but gradually advance the plot.
Arrival (2016)
Yawn
Ever imagined what it would be like if aliens came to earth, but everything about them was mind numbingly boring? Me neither.
Giant apostrophes come to earth, so naturally we send out the most dull and inexperienced people to greet the inhabitants. Luckily they are equally as uninteresting so it might pan out who knows....
La casa de papel (2017)
I don't get it.
After season 1 I won't be watching any more. I felt that it had the weakest storylines intertwined with poor story telling, patronising product placement (mainly of Spanish beer), and mundane sets & outfits. Not to mention the endless pointless non-functioning character development make this a huge miss for me - it was just uncomfortable to watch, but if you like Spanish soap operas it might be for you.
Russian Doll (2019)
Not funny - Not original - Not even entertaining
This premise has been done to death in the past, and to me this is the least impressive version of the same pretentious story. It's just drawn out a lot more and attempts to have a "dark" twist that doesn't actually work.
Natasha Lyonne plays the same over the top attitude filled angsty adult teenager as she does in every thing else I've seen her in, and the effort she puts in to put this across in a lead roll is eye wretchingly painful.