Change Your Image
jamessmithurst
Reviews
Nun of That (2008)
Boy, was I wrong...
The title, the poster and everything about it appeared kitsch, cheap, not even a 'B' grade movie...perhaps 'C' or 'D' grade. When the first num appeared and did stuff in the strip club, I thought what rubbish. When she gunned down people, I stayed for a laugh. Despite the crappy effects and make-up, the cheesy stereotypes and cross-dressing actors, this movie was extremely amusing and I was captured by the relatively good acting, good cinematography and story line. Even Austin Powers couldn't have done better. For an atheist, this was pure delight and far better than Top Gun II or million dollar action movies. I wasn't expecting much but got a lot more than I expected.
Proximity (2020)
Jesus, where art thou?
Jesus, Tubi usually has low budget, student or C-grade movies. When this movie started, I initially thought wow, looks good. Could be worth watching.
Despite good acting, decent CGI, the story line descends into nonsense. So, the MIB thinks the old dude knows more than he's telling about his father's disappearance. Really? The old dude has been hiding for decades from a MIB who has unresolved issues because his daddy was abducted?
Then the aliens. Give me a break. All these abductions by extra-terrestrials because the aliens were looking for Jesus? For an advanced extra-terrestrial species not to know that Jesus died 2,000 years ago and that it's part of an unproven, zany religion, is gob-smack material. Poor audio of the aliens, deteriorating plot and a completely idiotic ending makes this movie a BIG WASTE OF TIME. I'd rather watch a re-re-re-run of the Six Million Dollar Man.
Andromeda (2000)
Ehhhhh, is this all TV can offer?
I like a good sci-fi.... if my words didn't have the qualifier 'good', I might have given this more stars. The underlying story is OK. The acting was OK. But the special effects were cheesy. The creators used CGI to create space ships. Early episodes were terrible because of this. You can tell how in just a few years CGI improved. The outfits sucked. Continuity sucked. There were logic gaps between every episode. For example, after the crew were evacuated, the Andromeda had no crew except for a few silly robots walking aimlessly around in every scene. One day, the Andromeda has a crew of thousands of beings. Huh, did I miss an episode? Why on earth do sci-fi writers think that once we achieve interstellar flight and populate other planets, everyone will wear rags like in the middle ages and be a drunk, looking for a deal to score? Why? How can we walk around with space-age weapons but otherwise have no clothes on our backs and can't even afford to shave. The pub / saloon seems to be the focal point of season 5, and poor Rommie who gets replaced literally by a bimbo, is a crew member, the only crew member in fact, missed (by me anyway). And by the way, why was Rommie the android dressed as a bimbo in several episodes? There's a lot to say about Andromeda's inconsistency but I think you get the message.
Parts Per Billion (2014)
Two stars because the acting was great. Everything else sucked.
As I was saying "Two stars because the acting was great. Everything else sucked". Puh, going between characters at different times is annoying. Despite the great acting and doomsday mood, I was waiting for all to die so that I can go to the toilet. That's what the movie boiled down too... a toilet break.
The Possession (2012)
NOT A BAD WATCH FOR A BORING EVENING...
Well, if it weren't for the annoying ex-wife, I might have given this flick 10 stars. It was entertaining although there were a few boring parts here and there. I guess it's hard to please me nowadays when movies have CGI and other possibilities to make it look real. But every time the ex-wife (Kyra Sedgwick) raised her nugget, I just felt yuck. Firstly because I got divorced twice. Just like the ex-wife in this movie who shagged another guy and is mean, so did my wife in real-life but blamed me for it. Yes, I know, I carry baggage. But every time I see a boo-hoo scene similar to my own life, it reminds me of my past because I also have two children and I too was once "happily married". Secondly, I can't stand that particular female actor. She looks irrational, mean and about to freak out. How can the male lead love that? But hey, that's the shortcoming of the script and/or whoever chose that actor. The Jewish actor and both girls did a good job as did JD. Yeah, if you're a bit bored, it's an OK watch.
Communion (1989)
WASTE OF TIME...
I heard of Communion since it came out in 1989 but I never watched it. 30+ years later I did - and I regret it. Lucky for me, I fast forwarded to the end when I got half-way through the movie and saved 45 minutes of my precious life. Seriously, bad story, bad script, bad props and the whole thing is as un-believable as going to a Halloween party. If it wasn't for C. Walken, I would have exited the movie after 5 minutes. There's absolutely nothing interesting here. I have UFO videos and they are scarier than this. And they are genuine!
An Unfinished Life (2005)
Good movie, nothing fancy, nice to relax to, well made!
I don't usually give 10 stars but I will here. If you're looking for a tear-jerker, action movie, sci-fi or romance, it won't happen here. It's actually a slow movie with few twists but seeing Redford and Freeman is a delight. Redford plays a decent grump and Freeman is, well Freeman, although his distinctive voice was missing here. Lopez also does a great acting job and Lewis is a convincing loser. Yep, it's all a bit predictable but enjoyful.
Time Lapse (2014)
Not bad, worth watching...
I started thinking that this was going to be another low budget, poorly shot sci-fi time travel sort of crap film and was ready to be bored. I was, however, surprised at the well written plot, relatively good acting and overall a competent movie that never got me bored. Well worth watching.
The only thing that got me was the explanation in the end. I didn't quite get how the lead actress could manipulate time. Perhaps I was too tired. It was past my bedtime.
Dune (2021)
The original makes more sense
I watched the original movie several times because it was a great movie. Seriously, the actors were good, the plot was kind of clear and one could excuse the dodgy effects for that period. If I hadn't seen the original movie, I would have not understood this remake. The soundtrack is lacklustre, not much improvement in the effects and certain characters are bland as Thai food where the chef ran out of chili. Who can forget Sting's performance in the original or Kyle McLaughlan's chin? Patrick Stewart was a delight and Juergen Prochnow (Das Boot) did a great job. So, puh, I gladly fed the cats and went to the toilet twice during the movie.
Blood Red Sky (2021)
Waste of time
Because Netflix have mediocre movies, quite often from last century, I was kinda forced to watch this or a repeat of another B-grade movie. As the preview already demonstrated, this wouldn't even classify as a B-grade movie - more like a C or D or F for fail if there were such a category.
Bad acting, poor story and quite irrational. A lot of gnarling, hysteria and BS. At the end, police cuff a guy who had his hand chopped off. How is that physically possible? Wouldn't his stump just slip out of the cuff? After the plane gets blown up, a cop just lets the terrorist suspect go. Huh? No investigation?
The Woman in the Window (2021)
I went to the toilet.
Ever watched a movie where you can't wait for it to be over? Even your cats turn their backs to the screen and rather wander off into the cold?
Well, that's how it felt. Vaguely based on Alfred Hitchcock's 'Rear Window', starring James Stewart, this copycat movie is unbelievably boring. The acting is poor, especially the overacted scenes by Gary Oldman and the murderer kid (who is 25 years old in real life) doesn't pass as a 15-year-old.
Typical stereotypical hysterical woman hallucinating (or not), stuck in a big house with bad people coming and going which confuses her. Ho hum. Bad script. Too many kitsch effects.
Slender Man (2018)
90 Minutes of my Life WASTED!
Can I give minus stars, like minus 13?
A few not so smart chicks conjure up Mr. Slender Man by watching a video online. One chick vanishes early on in the movie and the others go insane. From there on, it's really bad C-grade cinematography, D-grade predictable story and E-grade, if there is such a thing, headless chooks running around, screaming because they have F-grade (meaning fail) hallucinations and nightmares.
What can I say, one of the chicks sacrifices herself to Slender Man to save her sister. The sacrificed chick then turns into a tree. End of story.
Oh, by the way, typical Americans, they leave their front and back doors unlocked despite having the highest rate of home invasions in civilized western society; and apart from one family, no none's parents are ever home. They must all be doing nightshift over there.
Bravo, well done Netflix for sucking me into this pointless and non-scary movie.
Tribes of Europa (2021)
Not again?!
This thing kept on popping up on Netflix. Because Netflix doesn't show high quality new movies, I was bored enough to give it a go. Boy, oh boy. Bad post-apocalyptic story, bad script, bad acting, bad props, bad fight scenes and the whole feel of it...well...alone the Kapitan in fur, dudes in make-up, civilization goes to hell and pretty much everyone is a murderer or out for themselves. This coupled with really bad English. Why the hell, if this all evolves in a small area in Germany, does everyone assume every one speaks English first? If I got a knife stuck in my guts, I wouldn't get up and fight after a bit of compression on the bleeding wound. How unrealistic. Unless everyone is a moron in this show, and they probably are, you wouldn't ball every time someone holds a knife against your throat. Anyway, boring, boring and more boring. Boring, more boring the boringest? And the music...boy, what can I say? Nonsense. Really, is this all German entertainment can offer?
Bob Lazar: Area 51 & Flying Saucers (2018)
What a Load of Rubbish
I've known about Bob Lazar for decades. His story is short, he has zero evidence and he hardly talks to anyone about his alleged involvement in Area 51. Come Corbell, an amateur documentary wanna-be. Narrated by Mickey Rourke with a husky and mysterious voice, irrelevant noises, inserts of images and unconnected dribble make this incredulous documentary an incredible waste of everyone's time.
Corbell has made this into a cheap scary home movie except that it wasn't scary. Corbell tried to get 90 minutes out of a subject you could perhaps be stretched to 15 minutes - no more. Alone how Knapp was interviewed in an indoor swimming pool with echo in the background showed how unprofessional this film-maker is. I saw Corbell on Joe Rogan the other day. Corbell said a lot without saying anything sensible. Even Joe told him to shut up.
Us (2019)
Nonsense
The movie HAD potential. In the end, it was gobbledygook. So, in a country where there are more guns than people, Americans get attacked (apparently willingly) by people in red jump suits and scissors. What?
I couldn't understand the mumbling of the main actor. But who organised these doppelgangers, who fed them, who built the underground facilities? Did I already say nonsense? Then there's the hubby who acts like a fool, gets beat up and...oh well, it's like a zombie approaching you really slowly, you just stand there like an idiot and say: "oh no" and wait for the zombie to eat you... what?
Yes, that's how irritating the movie was.
Ji qi zhi xue (2017)
If all you want is 'action', the go for it!
As Jackie would know, continuity is important in a movie. But not here. Let's start with the young kid who became Jackie's sidekick. At the end of the movie, we found out that he grew up in Australia as an orphan - yet he has a fake American accent.
I've never seen any ghettos in Australia as depicted in this movie with graffiti everywhere (try the US as there are plenty). I've never seen Americanised hoodlums or midgets here either (although I'm sure a few exist).
The extras didn't know what to do demonstrating poor directing. I worked on a Jackie Chan movie in Melbourne in the 90's. Half the time the crew didn't know what to do and extras were just standing around. Same in this movie. No real direction. When Jackie falls off of the Opera House onto the umbrella, check what the extras do...
Seriously, stop trying to Americanise everything. Lucky for us, Australia is not America. Security guards don't have guns here and we don't just start shooting willy nilly. And since when can guys in fancy costumes and motorbike style helmets drive and walk around Sydney? Way too unrealistic.
The plot was thin, unrealistic technology, yep, and everyone is a Kung Fu expert. Jackie must be bored still pumping out action movies. But I'm sure that half the time it wasn't him fighting in the mask.
It's not the worst movie I've seen but when you're waiting for it to be over, that should tell you something, right?
Also, while I like good martial arts, doing somersaults and ballet-style kicks is too unrealistic for my liking. I like Jackie Chan... but as with Stallone, Schwarzenegger et al, perhaps he should call it a day and relax.
Raising Dion (2019)
Stopped watching during episode 4
Puh, ahm, well...an annoying kid with a clueless mother gets the most amazing super powers, such as teleportation, telekinesis etc. Seriously, in comparison to X-Men, he's got the goods, baby. However, the only reason I got to episode 4 was because I wanted to know how he got those super powers and since my wife dumped me two years ago, I can fantasise about other women as much as I want (in a fatherly way, of course). Alisha Wainwright is very cute albeit she could be my daughter.
In episode 2, I already started fast-forwarding, I didn't see much of episode 3 and bailed out during episode 4. Overall, the characters are predictable and boring. Typical American acting. Typical American story and typical everything. It's a slow, boring progression of unintelligent people trying to control a brat's super powers. Of course, they own a house by the lake (all Americans do), of course, there are a mix of black, white and Hispanic themes and I'm sure gay people will show up in subsequent episodes. Dion needs an inhaler (as apparently all 'special' American kids do) and the asthma attack he suffered (as in all American pictures) is unrealistic. And, yes, of course, the mother's health insurance expired, as with most Americans. This would not happen in Germany or Australia. In Germany, you pay 2 Euros for a script. Everyone is automatically insured - even In Australia - Medicare is for all. Poor Americans.
Long story short: as with all these mass-produced television series', there's a formula. Cheesy, inapt, slow, frustrating, boring...you get my drift? I can't see this series going for multiple seasons.
Damsel (2018)
Unless you're really, really bored, don't bother!
It's one of those depressing movies where everyone does not have a happy end. Everyone is miserable. I only felt compassion for poor Butterscotch.
The story line is boring, the dialogue is mixed with 21st century idioms and the Indian was more redneck than the pale faces.
Away (2020)
Oh boy, no one bothered to consult a real astronaut.
OK. The crew almost killed themselves in a freak fire accident - but the mission goes ahead. The crew lie in an interrogation - but the mission goes ahead. The commander's hubby has a stroke hours before launch - but the mission goes ahead. They make calls from the moon and space to mobile phones on earth - what? Great CGI but utterly unrealistic. There's no backup crew and although half the crew is untrustworthy, the mission still goes ahead - what?
Robot World (2015)
Puh, what a drag!
I wanted to see an action title. It had a nice poster and I thought 'oh well, I can always stop watching it'. Puh, when the pilot started talking, seeing a capsule with three empty seats; and when the capsule's orbit started to deteriorate and the actor was moving like a grandpa to get a spacesuit (which was merely a gas mask and crash helmet), I knew this would be a bore. To be honest. I flicked through most of the movie. I'd rather vacuum instead. Yes, Ian is an independent film maker, and yes, he deserves credit for 'solid acting'. However, the story, the props, the lack of action and purpose made even this flick boring during the flick through. I mean, where was the robot pictured on the poster? Not in this movie! Obviously, this dude traveled to a post-apocalyptic earth. Hooray. Planet of the Apes ring a bell? Look, watching a guy walk around aimlessly and hit a robot with a stick, who then gets woozy, gees.Thank god I have a vacuum cleaner.
The Titan (2018)
Don't waste 1h 37min of your life!
Don't waste 1h 37min of your life! Don't waste 1h 37min of your life! Don't waste 1h 37min of your life! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... boring.......uninspiring....what was the point? Poor script, illogical and average acting. Don't waste 1h 37min of your life! Don't waste 1h 37min of your life!