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Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Robotnik, Jr. (1993) Season 1, Episode 29

Son of Robotnik

[4/10 · 31 May 2024]

Today, we are getting the answer to a question people have seldom asked: what if Dr. Robotnik had a son? Someone to follow in his footsteps, reaping his brand of villainy all over Mobius? I'd say very little would change, because this version of Robotnik is an ineffectual villain who is easily overthrown and is proven to be a complete and utter boob. Still, he desires an heir to his throne of wickedness, someone who thinks like him, who is a regular chip off the old block, and since no woman in her right mind would ever mate with him and carry his insidious seed for all the money in the universe, Botsy would have to build the child himself, and that's exactly what he does in this week's barrel of fun, so let's dive in and meet Robotnik Jr. We open on Robotnik and his comedy duo initiating yet another futile attempt to stop Sonic. Instead of anything clever, they just aim a giant vacuum hose down the road in hopes of sucking him up. Trap number 1125 from the Wile E. Coyote handbook. Well, it almost worked, except the hedgehog tricked Scratch and Grounder into aiming the hose up in the air, bringing down Robotnik in his Egg-o-Matic, literally smashing that plan to pieces. Craving someone to be as evil and vicious as he, Robotnik decides he'll build himself a son, but as we've seen with Scratch and Grounder, he's not very good at building competent machines, so lord only knows how he'll screw this up and ruin his mechanical child's life before he was even born. Well, quick as you can say "daddy dearest", Robotnik had built the spitting image of himself: a short, rotund, smart-mouthed hellion dubbed Robotnik Jr. The doctor was so happy, he even bestowed upon Junior his own mini Egg-o-Matic, and takes his son camping in the meadow. But this isn't just any regular camping trip, as a Robotnik and Son camping trip includes deforestation, pouring of concrete to park their huge RV, and then paving a freeway to get it there, and then constructing an airport for the hell of it. Nearby, Sonic and Tails see the flumes of black smoke coming from the meadow, they know that where there's smoke, there's Robotnik. It could also be an improperly extinguished campfire, but either way, Sonic can't resist the urge to show off, so he races over to where Grounder and Scratch are driving an enormous steamroller, where he dresses like a rep from the asphalt supply company, saying the stuff is defective. They should've told him to kiss their asphalt, but because they're stupid, they don't recognize him, like always. Sonic claims the stuff isn't sticky, which tricks Scratch into standing on it. Next, he tricks Grounder to join him in the path of the steamroller by saying the machine is defective too, and then he backs over them and flattens them like pancakes. He also flattens Robotnik's RV and calls Junior ugly. Hey, you're not exactly a bouquet of roses yourself, Speedy. Deciding to forego the camping trip, Robotnik sets about teaching his new son about his mission in life: to capture Sonic the Hedgehog, and ultimately fail miserably.

Botsy sets up a classroom and teaches Catching Sonic 101, laying out his latest fiendish plan of tricking the hedgehog into running into a maze, with the only exit being the sewer, which they will then flood and make him a goner. Sounds like an interesting plan, though I wonder how the reality will play out. Well, when you're tasked with writing an episode of this show, the deadline is two hours, and you have to include loads of slapstick, and Sonic is an untouchable Mary Sue, then you better believe the result will be nonsensical, but quotas must be met. Anyway, so Grounder and Scratch chase Sonic toward the maze via motorbikes, but the hedgehog was one step ahead of them, because he saw the cocktail napkin this script was written on and knew what was in store for him. He obligingly races into the maze, allowing Robotnik and Junior to shut the doors, only for him to cut his way out and run away. However, Junior proves himself to be a bit smarter than his pop, as he installed an extra trap door, which magically opens under Sonic, sending him to the underground river, then they seal it shut behind him. With Sonic out of the way, Robotnik claims he no longer needs Scratch and Grounder, so he has them recycled into a bedpan and a bidet and sells them to a nursing home. No, I'm just kidding, he demotes them to laundry detail. Not happy that they now have to wash Botsy's soiled underwear, they devise a plan to get rid of Junior. As for Sonic, he sinks into the water for a bit, sucking up large bubbles to maintain oxygen, which is a nice callback to the games, and I'm glad there are more big bubbles here, because trying to find them in the games with that time running out tune playing is nerve wracking. Anyway, Sonic does a tornado spin and extricates himself out of the trap. Nobody likes a cocky showoff, my friend. Meanwhile, Robotnik shows Junior the family tree, showing him what a proud line he comes from, and to show his pride in his son, he's going to arrange a fishing trip for father and son to bond, so he tasks Scratch and Grounder into taking him instead. Did they even read this script out loud? Oh, Robert Askin, you're just Askin for some criticism, which I will properly dole out at the end. Once they arrive at the lake, the robots put into play their plan of getting Junior out of the way. They drive up to the water in a cement mixer with the intention of filling the lake with cement, but then they trick Junior into looking in the back of the truck, then kick him in. Junior cries for help, which Sonic hears and swings in to the rescue. He tells Junior that he doesn't have to be bad, and if someone has bad friends, they'll eventually be bad to him. Dr. Robotnik arrives to bring his son home, and when Junior claims Sonic rescued him, he refuses to listen and instead sets about his next brilliant plan to eradicate his sworn enemy. Yeah, because your last plans worked so well, you bumbling blimp. So what's the setup for his next huge, embarrassing failure? Well, it's like burning ants with a magnifying glass, but in this case, it's a giant magnifying glass that reflects sunlight with an intensifying beam. Realizing that his old man was no good, Junior races to the Egg-o-Matic, hoping to put himself between Sonic and the beam, saving his life. Very noble. This can't be Robotnik's son. Seeing the boy flying around snaps the hedgehog into action, which proves he could've saved himself without Junior's help. Either way, the boy has switched affiliations. Robotnik's own flesh and blood, on in this case, metal and oil, has disowned him. How typical. Out of plans for the week, Robotnik shouts his famous catchphrase, and this train wreck mercifully ends. Our Sonic Says is about peer pressure, and how not to give in when you're told to do something you don't want to do. A very good lesson.

So, here's the rundown: the animation in this episode was terrible. The characters constantly go off-model, it looks like a serious rush job. The voice acting was terrible, but I want to state that although the acting is terrible, the actors are not. This show has some very good voice actors: Gary Chalk, Phil Hayes, Ian James Corlett, and many others, whom I've heard in other things where they do a good job, so when I say the acting in this series is terrible, I don't blame them. I blame the voice director and the producers for making them give these performances. With that said, I also lay blame at the feet of Robert Askin, who wrote a sloppy script, but I like the idea. Robotnik building himself a son who's as much of a troublemaker as he, but finds a moral compass and makes the choice to switch to the side of good, that part of it was done very well, however it was mired in a non-stop barrage of unfunny gags and pointless traps because Sonic always manages to find a way out, and in other episodes, when he can't, they make the robots stupid and let him out themselves, so there was no tension whatsoever. It's a shame Momma Robotnik didn't show up, because she would've immediately taken her grandson away and raised him to be truly rotten, knowing what a screw-up her son is. In closing, can I recommend "Robotnik Jr"? Yes, but only if you don't take what you see seriously, if you just view it as mindless, noisy fun, then you should be fine, but if you want something well-written, well-acted, and well-animated, look elsewhere. We'll be seeing Junior again in "Sonic the Matchmaker", where he pairs him up with Breezy, another of Robotnik's machines that switch affiliations on him.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Tails' Tale (1993) Season 1, Episode 59

Mobius Tails and the Temple of Doom

[8/10 · 28 May 2024]

Here's an episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog that I never saw when it originally aired. In fact, I never knew it existed until I found it a few years ago, and I gotta tell you, it's really great. I may rank it as one of the best episodes of the series, though there is only one thing I would change about it, but I'll get into that later. This is another episode where Tails takes center stage, and like his other efforts before, he does a good job. It poses the question, "what would Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog be like without Sonic?" Like what if he disappeared for a while and other characters had to look for him? It's an interesting experiment, taking the main character out of the show for a considerable amount of time and see if the other characters can manage. So how did Sonic become absent from his own show? How did he vanish without a trace, and how did he get himself into one of the most precarious predicaments he's ever faced? We'll find out in "Tails' Tale," which opens on Sonic and Tails witnessing a dogfight between a biplane and Scratch and Grounder flying two Egg-o-Matics fused together to form a makeshift biplane. These two are trying to shoot down the first plane for some reason that's never addressed. Since they couldn't hit the broadside of a skyscraper, they resort to sleeping gas bombs, which promptly put the pilot to sleep and sending his plane on a collision course with the ground. Since aerodynamics is more the fox's thing, Sonic sends Tails up to get control of the situation. Taking the stick, Tails narrowly avoids a fatal nosedive and brings them down safely. That's when he meets the bird who was piloting that bird: Captain William LeDuc, toast of duck society, and he's French. Tails wants to introduce him to Sonic, but there's just one little problem: Sonic was gone. Where did he go? Tails and LeDuc notice signs of a struggle and deduce he'd been taken. Unable to find Sonic from LeDuc's plane, they decide to seek a more scientific approach to finding their wayward friend, so they head over to the laboratory of that loveable, absent-minded, naive, semi-mad scientist, Professor Von Schlemmer! He whips up a nifty little gadget called the Sonic Sonar, then they all get in LeDuc's plane, with Tails at the stick, and follow the readings all the way to the Mobius Jungle, where they land in a clearing where Von Schlemmer's machine indicates Sonic is located, but there's no sign of him. At first, they think it's a dead-end, when suddenly they hear Sonic's disembodied voice, telling them to wait until nightfall and they'll understand everything. Tails is right, that was spooky. They wait until dark, when suddenly, out of thin air appears a giant Mayan Temple, and according to Von Schlemmer, it's the Temple of Komometz (forgive me if I spelled that wrong)... the cursed temple. It only comes out at night, and legend says whoever is still inside by dawn will vanish forever. Aware of the risks, Tails says he's going in, while LeDuc and Von Schlemmer stay outside, and yes, they're doing the cowardly Frenchman stereotype with LeDuc. I didn't want to bring him up, but I'm suddenly reminded of Antoine from the Saturday series. However, he overcomes that stereotype long enough to find a way into the temple, keeping his eyes closed so that he doesn't see anything that scares him. He's a goner.

Meanwhile, Tails finds himself chased by an army of bats, racing through the numerous doorways and hallways of the temple, which gives me think of those Scooby-Doo chase scenes. He manages to evade those purple, winged demons by going into the Tomb Room... where's Lara Croft when you need her? Seriously? Well, this room doesn't have anything dead, however it contains two things are braindead. That's right, boys and girls, Scratch and Grounder are back. Turns out this was all a diversion to prevent him from rescuing Sonic. Sure enough, Dr. Robotnik is "negotiating" payment to King Komomatz himself, as he was the one who nabbed the hedgehog. Unfortunately, this raises a few questions: so did Robotnik, Scratch, and Grounder enter the temple the moment it appeared without our heroes seeing them? How did King whatever manage to capture Sonic in the daytime without anyone seeing, and how did he take him back to his temple if it only appears at night? Who knows? Back with Botsy and the King, even after this guy successfully captured Sonic, Robotnik still saw fit to cheat him out of his full promised payment. Dude, he did what you could never do, and now your arch-nemesis is about to be put out of the way, shouldn't that be worth all four million Mobiums? What a cheapskate! Back with Tails and the robots, LeDuc literally drops in, eyes still closed, and Scratch asks him who he is. He's the biplane pilot you were trying to shoot down earlier for no reason! Using his head, Tails manages to push over the pushovers and rescue LeDuc, then they make their escape. They get stopped at a lava pit which, alas, Tails is too tired to fly them over, and LeDuc, being a cartoon duck, of course he can't fly. But oh, wait, there's a bridge. Naturally. Scratch and Grounder attempt to curtail Tails and the duck with a book of curses. Seems they'd know about that since they're both curses on Robotnik. Scratch recites the curse to destroy the bridge, but Grounder saying it wrong rebuilt it. Knowing time was of the essence, and as soon as the sun came up, their numbers would be up, Tails and LeDuc find Sonic in an upstairs cell, all chained up and nowhere to go. Luckily the guards left the key outside the cell, and it doubles as a saw for cutting chain. Makes me think this invisible guard is a sympathizer. Once free, Sonic races Tails and LeDuc to safety, then has to deal with King Komomatz, who turns out was sold a false bill of goods by Robotnik, who told him that the hedgehog was cruel, treacherous, and flaky, and should be imprisoned to protect the planet. Talk about a big, fat pot calling the kettle black. And speaking of false bills, that's exactly how Robotnik paid the tab. So not only was he too stingy to part with 4 million big-ones, but he didn't even try to cheat him with real money? What a snail. Realizing who the real enemy was, Komomatz vows swift and terrible retribution. He places a curse on Robotnik's fortress, then whirlwinds the doc and his robots back there. What is the curse, you ask? He makes the fortress disappear and reappear over and over. Guess the king is a troll. If he really wanted to curse Robotnik, he could've given him a hundred clones of Scratch and Grounder. So once out of the temple, Sonic and Tails bid LeDuc a fond adieu, and Tails asks him if he's not afraid to fly anymore. When was he afraid? That was never addressed. He says he isn't, and vows to return some day, though he never does. Our Sonic Says is about computers, where right as Tails is about to bash his faulty machine, Sonic reminds him just how useful computers can be. This was in 1993, so they were just starting to be popular items in every household. He says we need to take time to learn all the things these innovative machines can do... or maybe Tails just needed to update from Windows 3.0.

That was "Tails' Tale", a very good episode. It had a good story, decent plot, decent animation, and interesting characters. William LeDuc was amusing, and I'm glad they put him to good use, and he wasn't entirely the typical cowardly Frenchmen. In fact, I'd take him over Antoine any day. Maybe the Freedom Fighters can do an exchange. Now as I said above, there's only one thing I'd change about this episode, and that is having Dr. Robotnik, Scratch, and Grounder sit this one out. There was really no reason for them to be there, as we had already built up a mysterious new villain and an evil temple. I know at the time that Robotnik was the only villain in the Sonic games in those dark days before Shadow, but at least in the three Super Mario cartoons, each one had at least one episode where King Koopa wasn't the villain. Hell, in the Super Mario 3 show, there was one episode where Mario himself didn't appear, so at the very least, we could've had one episode out of 65 in which Dr. Robotnik was absent. I'm serious, he wasn't needed here, I think they just threw him in to keep the audience engaged, but we would've been anyway. So although I like this episode, it has plenty of flaws and plotholes, like why were the robots shooting at LeDuc when they didn't even know who he was? How did Robotnik and his goons get into the temple when it appeared at night? How did King, er, Batface nab Sonic so stealthily? Well, errors aside, this one is still a good watch, so I recommend "Tails' Tale", if you want to see Sonic without Sonic and let the secondary characters take center stage. There was a great deal of suspense wondering what happened to him and who had the tenacity and skill to abduct him in broad daylight and just magic him away. I'd like to think that if Adventures got a second season, we'd have seen more episodes like this. Maybe. That's all I've got to say, check this one out.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Robotnik's Rival (1993) Season 1, Episode 36

The Duck or the Egg?

[2/10 · 26 May 2024]

Now, I'm just going to state right off the bat that you absolutely need to turn your brain off to view this episode. Like, you can't ask any logical questions or try to make any sense of what's going on, because even by Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog standards, this episode is just plain crackers. It tries to ask the question: what would Dr. Robotnik do if another crazy evil genius showed up on his turf to try and capture Sonic and take over Mobius? Things would certainly get very wacky. In the past, I've claimed the animators had to have been on drugs when making this show, and "Robotnik's Rival" proves that beyond a doubt. It's an interesting idea if a second mad scientist showed up to try and rival Robotnik, since he's pretty much the only evildoer on Mobius, and it's refreshing to see a secondary villain not created by him. So here's our plot: there isn't one. Our story? Nope, don't have that either, it's just going to be running, yelling, and sight gags for twenty minutes, but I'll try to give it a fair shake anyway. We open on Robotnik cornering Sonic and Tails in a B. F. T: Big Freakin' Tank. With it, he'll ensnare the hedgehog and fling him to the North Pole, but suddenly, along comes a R. B. F. G: Really Big Freakin' Tank that tries to catch Sonic and Tails also. The two beams get into an armwrestling match, allowing our heroes to go free. Who would dare step on Robotnik's turf and take this bout of evil genius from him? Enter Brandon Quark, a squat, web-footed mad scientist with a Napoleon Complex and is triggered whenever someone calls him a duck, like Marty McFly when he's called a chicken. Incidentally, his name is Brandon Quark, but when he shows Robotnik his poster for when he conquers Mobius, it says Quark Rex. Did they forget his name between scripting and animation? But old quirky Quark isn't alone, as you know how Robotnik has Scratch and Grounder? The new guy has his own robot: Dufus: Design Unit Flexible Underling Substitute, he's liquid that can shapeshift. Like the T-1000, only not nearly as cool or dangerous. Looks like Botsy has some competition. They make a wager on whoever catches Sonic first can take over the world. Well, may the worst man win. So what brilliant scheme will Robotnik employ to land himself a hedgehog? A machine that hypnotizes ants to waylay Sonic and Tails at a free picnic setup. Ants? Really? And they're not even fire ants. Why not bees or mosquitos? No wonder you haven't taken over the world with stupid plans like this, Botsy. Can't say Quark's plan was very good either, as Dufus was posing as the picnic table. These guys suck. What's Plan B? Robotnik makes everything go dark with the darkenator he bought from Wes Weasely back in "Birth of a Salesman," only Quark shows up to shed some light on the situation with his Solar Polar Molar, a tooth that creates light and can shoot frickin' laser beams. Man, I don't know what the production crew was smoking and I hope I never get addicted. Dufus shows up to calculate the probability of success if Robotnik and Quark simply worked together, to which they agree. Good, now when they shoot each other in the foot, it will be by accident. So what plan will they come up with? Free chili dogs, of course. Tails nearly falls for it, but Sonic points out it being a trap, so they sit down on a conveniently placed bench... which turns out to be Dufus, that morphs into a cage. Caught, done! Very nice, even throwing them off with the free chili dog stand... unless that wasn't part of their plan and some idiot was giving away chili dogs for no reason.

Sonic and Tails are chained up in Robotnik's dungeon, Mobius is doomed, and will soon be under the command of two evil geniuses. How will they ever get out? Well, as is tradition for this show, when Sonic can't get himself out of a trap, he tricks Scratch and Grounder into getting them out. When you write yourself into a corner, just adjust your characters' stupidity and it works every time. Get this: Sonic tells the two dimwits that they already escaped and what they see are holographic projections. Oh come on, not even Scratch and Grounder are that stup... it worked. Grounder grabs them, magically undoing their shackles, which allows them to escape. Oh lordy lord. Dufus shows up to check on the prisoners, and because everyone in this episode has to be an idiot, except Sonic of course, Robotnik's robots make him think he screwed up, and he believes them. I like when he says, "my circuits are hurting," because mine are too. He does manage to fool Robotnik and Quark by shapeshifting into Sonic and Tails still in bondage. Man, I'd take Doofus from DuckTales over this guy any day. Well, now that our heroes are free, they figure the only way to stop the two bumbling baddies from taking over the world is to turn them against each other again, and do so by printing lies about them in the newspaper, including Quark being married to Bigfoot. LOL. They start fighting when Dufus makes them actually kiss and makeup. They really do it. Get a room, you two. The ridiculous newspaper trick didn't work, so Sonic will have to go to absurd lengths to turn the tide on these two tyrants. He hosts an award ceremony, yes, an actual award ceremony, pitting Robotnik against Quark, and the winner of the most hammy villain and chewer of scenery award is Brandon Quark! He accepts his award, saying, "you hate me, you really hate me." You got that right, pal. Botsy is a sore loser and they start bickering again. Time to divide and conquer. Sonic and Tails pose as soldiers, making Robotnik think Quark already took over a city, then Sonic dresses as a traffic cop and pulls Quark over for speeding, and that the law in Robotnik City forbids ducks. This means war! Robotnik and Quark get in their B. F. Ts and start shooting at each other. Dufus, who has had an existential crisis, decides to bail, while Quark is captured by Scratch and Grounder, who Robotnik proudly proclaims were programmed to be idiots. Uh huh, sure. That's when old Quack has a mental breakdown and flies south with all the other ducks... until he's eventually caught and tossed in the loony bin. I don't get it! What's the joke? He doesn't even look like a duck! Well, he does sound a lot like Daffy. As for Robotnik, he's going to claim victory if it kills him and orders the bots to use his duplicator. Why? How will cloning Sonic and Tails stop them? It misfires and we get Robotnik to the power of two, both proclaiming they hate that hedgehog before plummeting to their deaths. Our Sonic Says is about cheating, and how cheaters never prosper, as we see when Robotnik and Quark engage in a foot race. The message about cheating is true, but these guys are both villains, so of course they're going to cheat.

What in the seven levels of Dante's Hell did I just watch? This is among the craziest episodes of the series. It wasn't terrible, but it was nonsensical and ridiculous. The animation is bad, the voice acting is terrible, the writing is abysmal, there's no story, there's no plot, and the gags are not funny! "Robotnik's Rival" was written by the late Gordon Bressack, and while he wrote one of my favorite episodes, "Musta Been a Beautiful Baby," he also wrote one I absolutely hate: "Sonically Ever After." It was an interesting idea introducing another villain in the series, someone to rival Dr. Robotnik, but this was more of a comic foil, and as we know, Robotnik and Sonic already have that kind of relationship. In short, I don't recommend "Robotnik's Rival." It's not funny, it's not focused, it's insanely annoying, and your circuits will hurt after watching it. It was a nice idea, and Dufus was an interesting addition, but they don't do anything with these new characters. It's such a waste. This one isn't terrible, but on the tier scale of Good, Bad, and Horrible, this one ranks Bad.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Slowwww Going (1993) Season 1, Episode 4

Slow Burn

[7/10 · 24 May 2024]

Sonic the Hedgehog is very fast, something that I believe goes without saying. Fast on his feet, fast with his mind, he's the embodiment of speed. But what if he had to slow down? And not by his own volition, if he were forced to take things very, very slowly? Why it would destroy him. Exactly, and that's what Dr. Robotnik has up his dirty sleeves in this week's episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: if he can't catch his nemesis at normal speed, he's going to slow him down. His bait includes a family of sloths, who are literally just hanging out in their house, minding their own business, when Robotnik flew overhead in his Egg-o-Matic, planning to drop Scratch and Grounder onto their humble abode and wreck it in order to lure Sonic into a trap. He always did like picking on those slower and weaker than he. The plan only succeeds because the two dim-wits didn't have to do anything, just fall through the building and land on the ground, so really, this was gravity's fault. He picks up the two useless dolts and flies off while young Rocket Sloth, who I wish was Rocket Raccoon instead, goes to contact Sonic, by way of tapping morse code along telephone lines. They've yet to invent the Sonic Signal. Back at Botsy's fortress, he unveils his latest creation: the Subatomic Slow-Mo beam weapon, patent pending. It's powered by a Mobian mega-crystal, which was perfected after 9 years. With this machine, he can slow Sonic to sloth speed for exactly one hour, and of course, he trusts Scratch and Grounder with doing the deed, and of course, they zap Robotnik with it before leaving. Jeez, he can create all these machines that freeze things, blows things up, slows things down, but he can't create two competent robots? Anyway, back at Sloth Manor, Sonic and Tails arrive and set to work fixing up the house. Sonic has Tails take notes of the materials they'll need, only to find out he just made a bunch of scribbles because, as the fox puts it, "I'm only 4 1/2 years old, I don't know how to write yet." Pretty sure the producers heard that a lot when hiring writers for this show. Looks like the hedgehog will have to do the job himself, but doesn't he always? Just as they finished rebuilding the house, the robotic Abbott and Costello come along to try and slow them down a certain pesky hedgehog. They try practicing on Rocket... I dunno, you want to make a slow sloth even slower? Eh, he's still smarter than them, and unfortunately, Robotnik programmed them with Imperial Stormtrooper marksmanship as they keep missing when a-firin' their laser. Sonic fortifies the sloth house then leads the robots away from them. When they fire the weapon at a waterfall, slowing it down, Sonic sees exactly what he's in for: to force him to slow down would be a fate worse than death. Apparently an hour has past because here comes Robotnik flying overhead back to normal speed, and of course, this is only so the bots can accidentally zap him again.

In order to stop Sonic long enough to zap him, Scratch and Grounder employ trap number 89 of the Wile E. Coyote handbook: an inflatable schoolhouse complete with a line of inflatable children. After all, even Sonic would slow down in a school zone. Right, he even dons a crossing guard uniform and helps along the artificial children. I find it funny that Scratch sees through his disguise right away, when in other episodes he's easily fooled. Guess only if the plot needs him to be. When that plan went belly-up, it was time for Grounder to don a disguise: a sloth hanging from a tree. Sonic is actually fooled by this, but by the time Tails sees who's behind sloth number one, it was too late! Scratch emerged and fired his frickin' laser beam, zapping the hedgehog and slowing him down! By jove, they actually did it, and only 12 minutes into the 20 minute episode, but they actually succeeded! Oh, and I like how when Sonic tells Tails to go warn the sloths, he says, "hey, you." Did the slow-mo beam make him forget Tails' name? So the bots take Sonic to a cave behind the waterfall and lock him in a cage, where they torture him by teasing him with chili dogs, and like always, the bars on the cage are clearly big enough for him to walk through, but he doesn't. I don't get it, the cage is on the cel placed atop the character, so why make the bars so far apart? No matter, Tails sets forward a plan to rescue Sonic, and Rocket wants to help, but alas, he's too slow. So the fox flies to the cave and grabs the slow-mo beam while Grounder and Scratch delight in teasing their prisoner. He could just zap the two boobs right there, but instead, he chooses to give them a chance to release Sonic, lest they be zapped, which gives Grounder time to knock the beam out of his hands, causing the Mobian crystal to fall out and shatter. Scratch simply puts it back in-gee, I wonder what's going to happen-but before he can use it on Tails, Sonic makes him drop it, then tells Tails to book it, which he does, taking the ray with him. Okay, once back at the sloth place, he says he's going to go back. Why did he leave iin the first place f he was just going to go back? Well, it was a clunky way to get the sloths involved, so Rocket could once again ask to come along and Tails has to remind him that he's too slow. That's when Rocket fell on the ray, making it misfire, ricochet off a few rocks and zap him, suddenly making him much faster! Then they zap Ma, Pa, and Sister Sloth, so now they're all fast. Tails should've zapped himself for good measure, but he doesn't. However, he will get his chance to be speedy in "Full Tilt Tails." With the odds stacked in the heroes' favor, they head off to rescue Sonic. They distract Grounder and Scratch by bouncing in as balls, treating them to a game of sloth tennis, while Tails zaps Sonic with the new, improved fast-mo ray, which restores his super speed. Now free, he sends Grounder and Scratch on a long flight, and just as Robotnik shows up, another hour later as he's back to regular speed, it was time to give him a send-off. Tails zaps him and makes him fly off in a hurry, where he crashes into a mountain and disappears. The lesson learned here is it doesn't matter if you're fast or slow, you can always slow down or go faster, depending on whether or not you have a hi-tech beam to help you out. Weird lesson. Our Sonic Says is, well, we can learn from sloths. A lesson Tails learns when he realizes he's standing in quicksand: just step out slowly and you'll be fine. I know this one made the Nostalgia Critic go ballistic, but the point is taking it slow will sometimes be more useful than doing everything fast. Yeah, even you can learn from a sloth, I hope you take your own advice to heart, Sonic.

That was "Slowww Going", and it was actually pretty entertaining. The animation and voice acting are terrible, but some gags are pretty funny, and the overall message is good. As far as animation, they are constantly going off-model. This must have been one they needed to make in a hurry, or a new studio was taking their first turn at animating for this show. As for the voice acting, you can tell they intentionally slowed down Jaleel White's voice as Sonic and sped up Long John Baldry's as Robotnik, but Ian James Corlett is intentionally speaking slowly as Rocket. Must have been very therapeutic. Now as far as Sonic making jokes about the sloths' lack of speed, I'm sure he wasn't feeling too cocky when he was forced to go at a snail's pace. I guess it just goes to show that sometimes you reap what you sow. In closing, I recommend "Slowww Going", as it's pretty funny and an interesting idea with a simple story and, well, what resemblance there is of a plot is pretty good.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Sonic Gets Thrashed (1993) Season 1, Episode 32

Your Weaknesses Can Be Your Strengths, and Sometimes Vice Versa!

[6/10 · 24 May 2024]

Here is an episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog that I had never seen before. Strange considering how often I watched this show as a kid, there are a few episodes that I never saw. It's kinda cool, like watching a brand-new episode, even though this series ceased production 31 years ago. In "Sonic Gets Thrashed", we learn a few important things about Dr. Robotnik: he is an incredibly ineffectual villain, he is a very minor threat to Mobius, and he sucks at making robots. I mean, we already knew these things, as Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts are living proof about his robot making abilities, or lack thereof, but this episode offers incontrovertible evidence of these accusations. We open on Dr. Robotnik's latest capitalist venture: he's opening his own resort, with swimming, golf, tennis, the shopping channel, a perfect getaway for anybody and everybody, because despite being an exclusive club, all will be welcome, because while it's an easy club to get into, it will be impossible to get out. That's right, he plans to imprison all his guests and turn them into his slaves. How fiendishly diabolical. Meanwhile, Sonic and Tails arrive at a big junkyard. Oops, I mean Scrap Valley, home to a legion of sentient misfit robots, which is like the Island of Misfit Toys from Rudolph. The first one they meet is a machine that breathes fire named Torch, and the other is a robot that-I'm not kidding here-is an inventor. This football-headed, slurring voiced goofball is named Wallace A. Ditso. These two were among many robots created by Dr. Robotnik, who then threw them out for being defective. Yes, this whole village is full of machines that didn't perform properly and were subsequently banished. Okay, here's a big question for you: why in the name of all creatures great and small weren't Scratch and Grounder among the first to be tossed here? Botsy built them to capture Sonic, and they keep failing, so why does he put up with them, but none of these guys? This also proves what I said earlier about Robotnik being terrible at designing robots. We've even got a robotic chef named Wolfgang Puke. I'm dead serious, that's his name. Make sure you're not eating during this part of the episode, because this guy can only make the most revolting dishes ever conceived. You gotta wonder why Botsy didn't just recycle these rejects and build new machines out of them? He must be very wasteful, and speaking of wasteful, remember that resort he's building? Turns out Scrap Valley occupies land that he needs, so he's fixing to destroy it. Looking up in the sky, they see a big, fat blimp... and he's riding inside a giant airship. Sonic decides to head up and pay the doctor a call. He disguises himself as a pizza delivery boy and is let in by the two dumbbells. By the time they realized they didn't order any pizza and that the delivery boy was Sonic, he literally gets the drop on them, by making them fall through a trap door. Unfortunately, Robotnik was one step ahead and manages to capture Sonic!

With the hedgehog in bondage, and Scratch and Grounder magically back aboard the blimp, Botsy lays out his diabolical plans, including flooding out Scrap Valley and calling it Robotnik Lagoon. Look, I hate to agree with Robotnik, but these are just machines. They're not living, breathing organisms so he wouldn't really be killing anyone. Self-aware, sentient machines that have gained a conscience and are self-reliant... no, wait, I take it back, they are alive and Robotnik would be a fool to destroy such adaptive pieces of technology! Anyway, he could just dispatch with Sonic right now with the harpoon gun he teases him with, but he instead decides to leave the room, putting Grounder in charge of watching the prisoner. Oh great plan, Robotnik. Jeez. Okay, so with Grounder guarding Sonic, we know he's going to escape, but how will he do it? Will he break free himself? Maybe use reverse psychology to trick Grounder into unlocking him? No, he makes him think there's a bee on board the blimp, and when trying to swat it, he accidentally hits the button that undoes Sonic's restraints, allowing him to grab the plans for Robotnik Lagoon and split. Oh, and as a bonus, Sonic tricks Robotnik and his two dunces into following him up onto the balloon, and here's where Botsy chooses to use his harpoon gun. You can pretty much guess what happens next. Hope he had that blimp insured. Sonic gets back to the land of the mechanically challenged and tells them what their creator has in store for them. That was all it took for Torch, Ditso, and the rest to join forces and save what was left of their homes. Alright, so we have a hedgehog, a two-tailed fox, and a squadron of defective, but sentient robots versus Dr. Robotnik and his two braindead lackies. I'd say the odds were already stacked in the heroes' favor. They're going to give Club Robotnik a grand opening he won't soon forget. Next day, the celebration commences with Robotnik on stage and several large monitors, speaking to all the... what's with the shape of these people's heads? The animators must like things that are long and floppy if you catch my drift. First up, they make Robotnik look like a fool by displaying images of him with a pig's body, then one of him taken in the shower. Even Scratch and Grounder can't keep from laughing at that one. Deciding to forego the remainder of his speech, Robotnik moves on to the ceremonial cake, which Wolfgang Puke loaded with snakes! Why'd it have to be snakes? Finally, it was time to cut the ribbon, which must have been loadbearing, as it causes the entire place to come crashing down under its own weight. How metaphoric. Club Robotnik was now Club Rubble, and he throws a tantrum about how much he hates Sonic and now he can't enslave all of his guests, which Sonic catches on camera, exposing him. With all those plans now moot, Botsy proclaims he'll still flood Scrap Valley, only to realize that they rerouted the water system, so now he's really all wet. So the moral of our story is be careful how you treat your machines, because one day, they may come back to seek their revenge. Our Sonic Says is about recycling and reducing waste, which is good, as we don't want all our junkyards to be turned into villages for sentient appliances to call home. I mean, you saw The Brave Little Toaster. All those poor cars had stories to tell.

This was a very interesting episode. It wasn't good, but it wasn't terrible. In fact, I like the message it was trying to convey: your greatest weakness can sometimes be your greatest strength. In many cases, that is true. The misfit robot characters were annoying, but likeable enough, so even though the gags are corny and predictable, the animation is sloppy, and the voice acting is terrible, this episode was alright. I mean, that is par the course for this series, isn't it? Bad animation and voice acting, though I will give credit where it's due and say that Jaleel and Long John always gave the best performances, because I could just tell that they never once phoned it in and were always dedicated to the performances they were giving. In fact, I'd love to see any footage, if it exists, of Long John Baldry during a recording session for Dr. Robotnik, because I'm sure he was having the time of his life. I also think the writers dislike Wolfgang Puck for some reason. Did he throw them out of one of his restaurants, so they used this episode to get back at him? If so, yeah, they really showed him. In closing, if you've never seen this episode before either, then I recommend "Sonic Gets Thrashed," because even though it's not one of the series' best, it's still entertaining and the messages still rings true. Remember, think before you throw away that old robot that you poorly programmed, because like elephants, they never forget.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Robotnikland (1993) Season 1, Episode 54

Variations on a Theme Park

[7/10 · 14 May 2024]

It's Sonic the Hedgehog's birthday, and Dr. Robotnik has the perfect gift for him: a theme park transformed into one, large death trap. Pretty ambitious, but when it comes to his arch nemesis' special day, he's going all out. Will he finally succeed in eliminating the one thing that stands between him and global domination? Seeing as how this is episode 54 out of 65, it's pretty obvious he won't, but let's watch him try and fail anyway. We open on Dr. Robotnik being served breakfast, but instead of it being his usual eggs, Scratch and Grounder each made him something different, resulting on Botsy physically abusing them. He's like a modern day moviegoer, he wants the same thing over and over and hates any form of deviation. Reading the newspaper, he discovers that today is Sonic's birthday, which I guess is a national holiday on Mobius. How is the hedgehog celebrating his day? At a chili dog stand, of course, but it seems the only one who remembered his birthday was Tails. Needless to say, Sonic was pretty bored and wished for a real party. Well, Sonic, be careful what you wish for, because right at that moment, Robotnik was flying into the Mobiusland theme park, encased inside of a giant glass dome, where he hypnotized the blobby guests into Egyptian walking right out the door. He needed the park clear to enact his master plan, for this would no longer be a place of laughter and fun, but a place of doom for a certain blue hedgehog. Anything to liven his spirits I guess, as just when Tails excuses himself to use the bathroom, Scratch saunters up dressed as Chuck E. Cheese and gives Sonic an invitation to Mobiusland, which he deduces was part of Tails' "secret" party plan, so he races off. I have to give props to both Scratch and Grounder as their disguises actually fooled Sonic, and they're more creative than any of his. Once he arrives inside the domed amusement park, it doesn't strike him as odd that it's devoid of other guests, as he preoccupied with his supposed party. That's when Botsy flies overhead in his Egg-o-Matic to unveil his intentions: right away, he seals the front gate and the top of the dome, and reveals Mobiusland is under new management and thus has been renamed Robotnikland, the nastiest place on Earth... er, I mean Mobius. I like that when Sonic jumps at Robotnik, he simply bats him away with a wrench. Too bad his video game counterpart never considered that trick. Sonic attempts to extricate himself, but finds the barred exits impenetrable. Tempered steel, reenforced concrete, Robotnik thought of everything. Deciding to make the best of things, Sonic hits the rides. The first is a life-sized pinball game, and unfortunately not the one that counts to 12. Think Sonic Spinball, but if it were programmed by Robotnik. The two begin playing against each other to achieve the free game, and Sonic gained the lead, so Robotnik decided to unveil his secret weapons, or in this case, "special" weapons, as he sends Scratch and Grounder into the machine. You might as well just admit defeat right there, Botsy. Naturally, they fail, and Robotnik has himself a temper tantrum. Well, what did you expect, you blubbering blimp? Sonic escapes the pinball maze and checks out the Jungle Ride, which is like Disneyland's Jungle Cruise, except if the animals ate the tourists, and no, we don't see the backside of water! A giant robot hippo tosses Sonic off his boat, where he's grappled by a robotic water snake. Scratch and Grounder even show up dressed as natives, and had this episode been made today, they'd be dressed in monkey suits for no reason, because needlessly updating something 60 years old is stupid and wasteful. Back to the show, a robotic elephant tries to attack Grounder and Scratch for some reason, and it leads into a ridiculously stupid moment where they beg Sonic to rescue them, so he puts them in the same trap he magically escaped from, then just leaves.

Meanwhile, Tails and the party guests, which consist of Professor Caninestein, Cleaver Beaver from Babysitter Jitters, and a bunch of other random, generic characters -too bad they didn't get Da Bears, MacHopper, or Captain Rescue to come, but I guess this was the best he could do on such short notice- read the script and deduce that Sonic is in Mobiusland. That's the only way I can assume they knew where he was, as Sonic ran off without telling anyone. Dr. Robotnik sees them coming via a secret underground tunnel and lets them in, then shows video footage of a Sonic doll trapped on a rollercoaster. Man, Botsy can imitate Sonic's voice perfectly. Of course Tails and the others fall for it, even Caninestein who's supposed to be a genius. In order to save him, they all board the coaster, which is taking them directly to an active volcano. I mean, Tails could just fly out of there, but then everyone else would be left to die. How is Sonic going to save them? He simply cuts off the track leading to the molten lava, sending them to the track below, then joins them as the ride reaches its end. Turns out, that wasn't Robotnik's entire plan, as he next unveils where exactly they are: trapped inside of a giant birthday cake, decorated with ten-foot candles made of TNT. Well, looks like Robotnik finally won. Sonic and his friends will be blown to pieces and Mobius will be all his. Well, it would be if the hedgehog didn't know a thing or two about science. Opening the floor grate to the steam pipes below, he reroutes them to the ceiling where the giant Roman candles were sticking through, thus allowing the hot steam to literally blow out the candles: high into the air where they exploded, causing Robotnik and his bots to come crashing to the ground. Defeated and now pursued by Sonic and his angry friends, Botsy, Scratch, and Grounder flee to the exit, which they obviously forgot was locked and for some reason don't have the key. Once Sonic took control of the park, it was time to give the doctor a taste of his own medicine, for you see, Robotnikland was now under NEW new management and dubbed Sonicland. That is until Disney buys it, but anyhoo, Sonic sends Robotnik and his robots on a wild ride through the park via roller coaster cars, doing a loop-the-loop on the ferris wheel, where they go flying into the Jungle Ride and are nearly devoured by the robotic pink hippo. Surprisingly, the robot elephant wasn't pink too. Next, they get bopped and biffed and bumped around the giant pinball game. What follows is a sequence that just boggles the mind. I would say they go through a twisted funhouse, but we didn't previously establish the park had one. They go through a room full of ghosts, then take an elevator down to Hell, then back up to a room filled with more spooks from Dr. Seuss' Halloween is Grinch Night. Next, they open a door with numerous doors, until one swallows them whole. I'm not making any of this up. Watch the episode and see for yourselves. As if things weren't already insane, it's a shadow war where Scratch sees his shadow decapitated, then he jogs down a hallway with falling axes, even spitting out his own heart then swallowing it again. For those who are fans of Golden Age cartoons, especially Max Fleischer, this whole sequence will look strangely familiar, and I'll tell you where it originated at the end. All three soon end up back on the rollercoaster, where fire-spitting bee bots attack them, and finally, the ride ends in a massive crash. Whew! Well, with the baddies out of the way, Sonic can finally have his big surprise party with all of his friends, and here's the best part: Robotnik jumps out of the cake and throws a defeatist temper tantrum. Just what he wished for. Our Sonic Says is about safety in the kitchen: children should never turn on a stove without parental supervision, and this even pertains to robots with the brains of children.

This episode was pretty amusing, if not a bit strange. It's one of two birthday episodes for Sonic, and while his age is never revealed, I'm guessing he's either 15 or 16. The theme park angle was a good idea, and at least it wasn't like Carnival Night Zone in Sonic 3. I don't think Sonic 3 was out when this show was in production, but if you're like me, you're scarred by a certain point in Act 2 that involves a floating column. Now as I said above, the final sequence of Robotnik, Scratch, and Grounder going on that drug hallucination of a funhouse was inspired, even copied verbatim from a 1931 Max Fleischer cartoon called Bimbo's Initiation. In it, Bimbo the dog is sent on a wild, underground ride, going through rooms and having experiences very similar to what we saw here, including the multiple doors, the beheaded shadow, coughing up and swallowing his own heart. It's clear the producers and animators were Fleischer fans, and they also took a risk, as what kid from the '90s is going to be familiar with a cartoon from the '30s? Being a fan of cartoons and movies from that era, I picked up the parody right away. The skeleton on the phone wasn't here, but we saw him in "Spaceman Sonic." And at least Betty Boop as a dog didn't show up asking if they wanted to be a member. You know, a Sonic themed amusement park sounds like a good idea. If Universal Studios has Marioland, why not Sonicland? Super fast rollercoasters, hover copters, even something like Disney's Dumbo Ride, except you're in Robotnik Egg-o-Matics. They could also include Knuckles, Amy Rose, Shadow, and a bunch of other characters that were introduced after my time, and to me, he will always be Dr. Robotnik. I will never call him Eggman! In closing, I recommend "Robotnikland", while it's no masterpiece, the animation and voice acting is not bad, and it's entertaining.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Momma Robotnik's Birthday (1993) Season 1, Episode 9

Mommie Fearest

[5/10 · 12 May 2024]

With it being Mother's Day and my own birthday coming up, I thought it would be a good idea to review an episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog that looks at both mothers and birthdays. It also delves a bit into Dr. Robotnik's psychology and gives us an idea of why he is the way he is, and what kind of very disturbing upbringing he had. No wonder he grew up to be a raving mad scientist hellbent on world domination. This is the episode where we meet Momma Robotnik, who is bigger, more terrifying, and more evil than her son could ever hope to be. She's basically Robotnik in a pink dress and giant yabos, and for some reason, she has his mustache, while in later episodes, I guess she shaved. Anyhoo, she's escaped from the mental asylum and literally came crashing into her sonny's fortress, for you see, it's Momma's birthday and as a gift, she wants her son to destroy the Mobius National Park, as it blocks the view from her bedroom window. He calls Scratch and Grounder, as he says he needs "special" robots for the job, well, both kinds of special. He dispatches four giant deforestation robots to go and lay waste to the park, which looks like something right out of Dr. Seuss. They have candy cane striped trees with multi-colored foliage. Hey, careful, Horton is in one of them trying to hatch an egg! Looks like we need a hero, and here comes Sonic now. He gives two robots a literal taste of their own medicine, then he poses as a robot repairman and reprograms the last two to chase Scratch and Grounder, who of course didn't recognize Sonic in his disguise in a gag that's gotten really old at this point. Well, Momma didn't get her dead forest, so they go for the backup plan of having Scratch and Grounder terrorize a town in giant legged robot pods. I guess just any old madness and mayhem will satisfy her. How will Sonic save the day again? Well, get this, and I'm not making it up: he poses as a game show host, inviting Grounder and Scratch to be contestants, with the promise of the grand prize of a new car! Going to an awful lot of trouble just to stop those two stupidniks, aren't you, Sonic? Francis Moss must love that disguise gimmick as he crams as many of them as possible into his scripts, but more on him later. As the whole thing was being shot on Robotnik candid camera, the doc can tell right away it's a ruse, so he has to call the two idiots to inform them it's Sonic, but then the hedgehog cuts Grounder's phone line, and somehow, Robotnik's too. Long story short, Scratch and Grounder win a tidal wave which flushes them down the sewer. Good, I hope the Ninja Turtles 'shellac' their asses, pun intended. When Momma Robotnik gets a look at that plucky blue hedgehog, she changes her birthday request to having Sonic's head, but because her son is useless and his inventions are even more useless, she decides to do the job herself. I'd say she's a force to be reckoned with, so Sonic had better be careful. However, as we all know, capturing Tails is so much easier, so naturally, he was chosen to be the bait in her trap.

Tails was going along by himself for some reason when he comes across Momma Robotnik, whom he'd never seen before, and at first thought it was just Botsy in a dress. Well, it technically is. Tails is incredibly stupid in this episode, as he goes to help the obviously evil woman, who talks about her son, the doctor, showing him home movies of him as a baby, and this part of the episode was always unsettling to me. Here, baby Robotnik is a malformed, inhuman blob, and I'm glad they changed his look in "Musta Been a Beautiful Baby", because... just what is that? It looks like Gloop and Gleep from Herculoids. Anyway, Momma tells a sob story about how Robotnik lost his favorite childhood toy when they moved, and without it, he turned evil. How she wishes she could have it back to help her son. Since Tails is such a gullible sap, he agrees to help her, so she tells him to go back to their old home in Chaos City by way of Pandamonium Pass. He leaves Sonic a note, then high-tails out of there. Oh, Tails, you are a perfect contender for the Darwin Award. Soon after he leaves, Sonic comes racing by and catches a glimpse of his note. I'm wondering why the two of them were apart for this scene, it's never really explained. Sonic takes one look at that note and realizes Tails is about to be a goner, so he makes a beeline toward Chaos City. Along the way, he encounters Coconuts, posing as a chili dog cook. Naturally, he has to stop and sample one. Yeah, Tails' life isn't as important as your appetite, Speedy. And again, they use chili dogs as bait to lure in Sonic, when in fact they could just spike the dogs with poison, or sleeping pills, then just capture him when he passes out. This never occurs to them, nor did it to good ol' Wile E when trying to catch a speedy pest of his own. Anyway, the cauldron turns into a giant robot that fires frickin' laser beams. Long story short again, Coconuts loses his lead, not that he had much use for it. Now we need to pad this scene of idiocy out even longer, so let's see Scratch and Grounder try to drop a boulder on him. Sonic could just step aside and keep going, but instead he uses a trampoline to make that boulder bounce back up from whence it came and flatten the two dumbbells. Are you laughing yet? I'm not either. As for Tails, he's strung up on the abandoned grounds of Robotnik Manor, which makes Hill House look like Sleeping Beauty's castle. Sonic rescues the little nimrod and they try to escape, but Momma traps them with an electrified fence, then she shows them her Fuzzy Wuzzy. Gross! No, no, I mean that childhood toy of Robotnik's, which turns out to be a giant, two-headed monster bear. This guy can take one giant magnet and break it up into dozens of smaller magnets. Sonic is as bored of this as we are. So, he manages to tie ol' Fuzzy to the electrified fence, giving him quite a shock. Dr. Robotnik is very upset about seeing his childhood toy in trouble, so he begs Sonic to save it. How pathetic is this? He is such an overgrown child. To cap off the festivities, Fuzzy Wuzzy drops a cake on Doctor and Momma R, just as the boys from the funny farm come to collect her. Sonic placed a call, you see, and Tails marvels that Sonic thinks of everything. Well, of course he does, he's a... I'm really tired of constantly calling him a Mary Sue, but that's what he is! On to Sonic Says, which is about planting trees and caring for your environment. A very good lesson.

Momma Robotnik's Birthday is... strange, to say the least. It's not a bad episode, but it isn't very good either. The animation is terrible, and it once again shows that the people behind the scenes were stoned out of their minds, the voice acting is terrible, the writing is terrible, the gags are weak and unfunny, there's no plot, and the story is almost non-existent. I will say that Momma Robotnik is an amusing character just by how over-the-top evil and abusive he is, and it shows that Dr. Robotnik had a really messed up childhood. I mean, she gave him a two-headed homicidal teddy bear to play with. Francis Moss turned in yet another weak script, and he also wrote "Over the Hill Hero" which was pretty good, and "Robo Ninjas", which was dull, and both episodes are chock full of Sonic disguise gags. I mean, the disguise is one thing, but constantly having Scratch and Grounder fall for them just makes us shake our heads. So, do I recommend "Momma Robotnik's Birthday"? Well, I guess. It isn't terrible. But I still think her best appearance was in "Zoobotnik", where she bursts in and just lays in Katella, then spanks Robotnik when he tells the truth. Anyway, happy Mother's Day, Momma Robotnik, and happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there, good and evil.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Tails Prevails (1993) Season 1, Episode 39

The Fatty Professor

[8/10 · 6 May 2024]

Some of us are not aware of our talents until a situation arises where we have to put them to the test. We don't always know what we are capable of or where our strengths lie. Sometimes we never know, other times they happen completely by surprise. From what we've seen in the video games, Tails is very handy with gadgets and machines, though we've rarely seen that in the cartoons. Luckily in this episode, we get to see what he's made of, and it's not quite as contrived as you would think. Sonic's birthday was only a few days away, and this will make the second birthday episode he gets in this series. The other being "Robotnikland," meaning this series spans only two years. The hedgehog wants to spend his special day in Sky City, which isn't based off any level in the Sonic games that I'm aware of, and it consists of several large blocks suspended high in the air. But uh oh, Tails doesn't know what to get his best buddy for his birthday, and he doesn't have any money. Oh no! He attempts to rectify this by earning money raking leaves. Speeding up the process not only blows all the leaves onto the neighbor's yard but also creates a giant tornado. Kid doesn't know his own strength. Next, he tries delivering papers, but because he's so impatient, he tries to speed up the process and only reenacts Paperboy: breaking windows and incurring the wrath of angry neighbors, including a pink Mike Wazowski, and each time, Sonic had to save him. Perhaps it would be best to consider a gift that doesn't cost any money, so Tails turns his attention to the city dump, and after collecting a few pieces of junk and assembling them, he builds the perfect gift for a certain hedgehog who has everything... and yet, has nothing. It would be unveiled at Sonic's party, which was a lot of fun, people bashing Robotnik pinatas and celebrating the birth of Mobius' number one hero. Unfortunately with most parties comes the inevitability of crashers, so here come Scratch and Grounder with their gift: flying robot dentures. Sonic manages to clip their wings, then sends the party crashers packing. After that, he can finally open Tails' gift: a hover hanglider, which was a bicycle with wings, and it really flies. The bots report this to Dr. Robotnik, who plans to trick Tails into using his talents to serve him, with some manipulation of course. He finds the boy genius, along with Sonic in Professor Von Schlemmer's floating laboratory, where they were working on Sonic's next present: a machine to grab Robotnik and imprison him, aptly named the Robotnik-Grabber. Seeing this as his chance, Botsy sends Grounder and Scratch to cause a distraction, by way of crashing into a movie theater that was showing... an episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. Shouldn't the universe now implode within itself? Anyway, Sonic goes down to investigate the disturbance via rope ladder, while Robotnik disguises himself as Von Schlemmer simply by taking a photograph of the professor, stretching it over himself and voila, instant disguise. He jets over to the building, taking up the rope ladder so Sonic can't get back in, then locks the real Von Schlemmer in a closet. I dunno, that disguise wouldn't fool anybody, and we just established Tails as a child genius, he may see right through it. As the fox comes in with the dinglehoppers he was requested, yes, he really says that. They're dinglehoppers... so Scuttle was wrong, they're not forks at all. Anyway, he comes back in and notes that the professor looks different. No, ya think? Thank goodness for inconsistent writing or this little scheme would've crashed and burned like the Hindenburg.

Really, Tails can't tell that the once slim, green-skinned Von Schlemmer is now pasty, overweight, red-eyed, and has a pointy mustache? If they established Tails as nearsighted, it would've made sense. Anyway, Dr. Von Schlembotnik's newest scheme is to transform the Robotnik-Grabber into the Sonic-Grabber, and to prove he knows nothing about subtlety, he tries to drop an anvil on Sonic, which right away tips him off that something's gone wrong in the professor's lab. Jumping on the hover hanglider, Sonic heads up to investigate. Despite Robotnik's attempts to keep him out, he gains access through the sewer system, and arrives just as the fake Von Schlemmer is revealed to be none other than Dr. Robotnik. Wasting no time, he sends his new giant Sonic-Grabber robot after our heroes. They manage to make it crash through the wall and fall far to the ground below, but unfortunately, Tails included a flying feature, so the mammoth machine flies back up and nabs Tails, while Robotnik jumps on board with the real Von Schlemmer. As for Sonic, he nearly falls to his doom before activating the whistle summons feature on his hover hanglider and they engage in mid-air battle, with Robotnik showing once again that he has all the marksmanship of an Imperial Stormtrooper as he fires frickin' laser beams, which Sonic manages to fire back using only his fingers. Mary Sue powers, activate! I like the Star Wars and Star Trek references in this scene, like Robotnik zeroing in on Sonic and says, in a Darth Vader voice, "I have you now," then Tails imitating Scotty by saying, "I've given her all I've got, Captain." Botsy demands more speed, and Von Schlemmer lets it slip about the super speed button. Blabbermouth. Tails and the professor book it as the Sonic-Grabber blasts into hyperdrive. Oh, and guess what? Scratch and Grounder literally drop in, so they can accompany their boss on his non-stop flight. Sonic rescues Tails and Von Schlemmer, and all was well again. As for Robotnik and his robots, they wound up at the North Pole, sitting in the snow and freezing to death. Since we were doing movie references, they should've thrown in one from The Shining here: see Robotnik's frozen corpse, then we pan down a narrow hallway, to an old black and white photograph from 1921, and there's Robotnik, posing in front of a huge crowd of people. That would've been funny. Our Sonic Says is about using your imagination, which is a very good lesson. Tails used it so he could build Sonic that hover hanglider, which unfortunately we never saw again. It faded into obscurity after this episode, and too bad, because it could've come in handy a few times. I guess after this adventure, Sonic decided to leave flying to the birds and the foxes.

This was a really good episode. It was funny, it was entertaining, the animation was decent, the writing was decent, it was a good time. Bob Forward really redeemed himself, after writing the stinkers "Trail of Missing Tails" and "Attack on Pinball Fortress". Well, after two strikes, he hit a homerun. It was nice once again to see Tails in the forefront of an episode, and it proved he could handle himself against Robotnik, as evidenced when the baddie had him by the tails, he spun them and kicked him in the face. Luckily Robotnik is such a pushover. When given the chance, Tails isn't always a wimpy little kid, but sometimes he's just too naive for his own good. I also like just how solid Sonic and Tails' friendship really is, as the two of them are all they have, they're family. Not much else I can say, because good episodes of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog are hard to critique when there's nothing to complain about. This one felt restrained, like there were no Sonic disguise gags, chili dogs are only mentioned once, and even the movie references mentioned above don't feel forced, like they aren't winking at the audience after saying them. In closing, I recommend "Tails Prevails", as it's a fun episode with funny gags, a good story, decent animation, it's definitely a gift.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Fast and Easy (1993) Season 1, Episode 61

Lord of the Ring

[4/10 · 1 May 2024]

If Sonic the Hedgehog had one Mobium for every life he's saved, he'd be a millionaire. Not to mention, those he rescues are usually very grateful, but what would happen if he rescued someone who was not grateful? Like if this person were an arrogant jerk who brought the trouble on himself and didn't learn a thing? Well, a "thank you" isn't necessarily required after you've been saved, but an acknowledgement wouldn't be amiss. This is what happens when Sonic saved a complete ingrate who brought the trouble on himself, and boy is this guy a piece of work. Sonic and Tails happen upon the Dynamic Dumbots who are currently setting up a "top secret trap", which is printed right on the side of the crate for good measure. What is it, exactly? It's a fold-out park. It's got trees and a path and whatnot. How exactly would this be useful in catching Sonic? Get ready for this: Scratch and Grounder insist this trap is not for Sonic, and no, that isn't reverse psychology. They really aren't out to nab him this time, they're after someone else. Someone more important? Tails asks, "who's more important than you?" That's right, Tails, keep stroking his ego. They keep watch as the mystery hostage wanders right into the not-so-top secret trap. And who is this individual who's worth Robotnik's attention this week? It's some anthropomorphic purple ferret with sunglasses named Easy Eddie. Right away, he chastises Sonic for saving him with speed, then he insults Tails' tails, and when they offer him chili dogs, he says he hates them and walks away with nary a thank you. Wow, I hate him already. They wonder what Botsy wants with this jerk, and as we learn in the next scene, Robotnik wants that ring he's wearing. Okay, boys and girls, for those paying attention to the preceding scene, what kind of ring was Easy Eddie wearing? Trick question, he wasn't wearing a freakin' ring! Good one, animators. This is like when cartoon characters only wear a watch in one scene so they can look at it and see what time it is, but that's usually only a minor gag, this invisible ring Eddie was wearing is a plot point! That's a major screw-up right there. Why this ring? Because it's got a Chaos Emerald, and once it's placed upon the activation altar in the Secret Zone, Robotnik can make miles of land instantaneously sink into the sea. A weapon of mass global destruction. Dr. Robotnik went on to state he had it in his possession, but Easy Eddie pickpocketed it from him before he had the chance to use it. Leave it to a dummy like Botsy to have such a powerful instrument in his pocket for someone to grab. So in addition to being a creep and a wiseass, he's also a sneak thief, and pockets aren't the only thing he picks, as in the next scene, Tails says his lucky 11 Mobium coin is gone, and he keeps it in his sock. "He picked my sock!" LOL! I'm willing to bet no one in history has ever uttered those words before. Also, that's highly unlikely, as not even the world's greatest ninja could grab something from inside someone's sock without them knowing it. Yeah, on top of everything else, Easy Eddie robs from children, as he steals apples from the kids waiting at the bus stop... and he's still not wearing the ring! Maybe he pawned it or sold it for magic beans, maybe Robotnik's intel is outdated. No, the animators are just lazy. So, as Eddie is napping under a tree, probably dreaming about kicking puppies or drowning kittens or pushing fat kids into the mud and laughing, Robotnik and his bots swoop in to try and sweep up a big piece of dirt. Naturally, Sonic comes to the rescue just in time. If not for that ring, he probably would've let Botsy have him.

Once saving his worthless hide again, Sonic takes back Tails' coin and asks E. E. why he's wanted by that portly baron of badness, but he remains tightlipped. Thankfully when Robotnik dropped Scratch and Grounder after their recent failure, they openly talk about the plan they already know, just loud enough for Sonic to hear. How contrived. They want the ring Easy Eddie wasn't wearing until this point, oh, and here's a twisted case of irony: he can't take it off. Dr. Robotnik flies overhead in his Egg-o-Matic, demanding that Easy Eddie surrender or he'll burn down the forest they're in and find the ring in its ashes. Hey, that's fine with me. Sonic and Tails should just leave him to die, and then zoom in and snatch the ring before the bad man can get it. However, because Sonic is compassionate to all jerky creatures, big and small, he rescues Eddie before Robotnik can start the fire. But how to get that ring off his finger? That is, when the animators remember to draw it on. Well, there's only one person who might have the means to extract a sticky ring from a sticky finger. The one, the only, Professor Von Schlemmer, that absent-minded, naive, semi-mad scientist! His first attempt was to try and enlarge the ring, but it also enlarged E. E.'s finger. The second was to lube him up, but that was yet another trip and fall. Third, he uses a laser beam, which nearly kills everyone, but after some dumb luck and nearly being electrocuted, the ring slips off his finger. Hurray! The problem has been solved and they could just leave right now, but whatever reason, Von Schlemmer brings out yet another gadget to try and extricate the ring, as his pride is at stake. Unfortunately, all this wasted time gave Easy Eddie a chance to escape, so he pushes Sonic and Von Schlemmer into the machine, steals the ring, and takes off. Did I mention I hate this guy? He turns himself into Robotnik, offering to exchange the ring for a zillion Mobiums. He gives him money which turns out to be fake, but at least he has the ring and then has E. E. imprisoned in the dungeon. Behind bars, right where he belongs. Then, wasting no time, Botsy heads to the Secret Zone to place the emerald ring on the activation altar and get himself the World Domination Achievement. That's when Sonic predictably races in and stops him. He knew where to find Robotnik because he read the script: BOTH sides of the cocktail napkin. Rather than try to chase after him, Robotnik just gives up. See, that's why you never get anywhere, Botsy. I like that Sonic just left Easy Eddie in the dungeon and didn't rescue him. I mean it, just left him to rot where he belongs. Sadly, he escaped on his own by finagling the key from Scratch's pocket. Yeah, fine, but what about the ring? They have to put it somewhere where it'll never be found again. He just tosses it into the sea. Yeah, no one will ever find it there. After that, Von Schlemmer and some weird looking machine appear out of nowhere. What was he doing there? Is there a part of the script they forgot to animate? Easy Eddie conveniently admits he's going straight, so he gives back Tails' coin that he stole again after giving it back the first time, then he gives back Von Schlemmer's underwear... gross. Then he goes on his way, with Sonic saying, "this Easy is easier to be around." Ha ha ha, not funny. Our Sonic Says is a unique one, because for the first and only time, Sonic is the one who makes the mistake. Every other time it's him coming on to lecture us on what to do, but this time, it's on him. He skipped breakfast, which gave him low energy, and nearly made him an easy catch for Scratch and Grounder. The lesson learned is to never skip breakfast.

Fast and Easy, obviously the producers' motto in making this show. This episode was not a good one. It looks like it was actually made fast and easy, the script is terrible, the animation is horrific, the voice acting is beyond cringy, and the gags are not funny. Easy Eddie is the most contemptible character ever introduced in the series, and he's proof that the producers love to annoy the audience, so they have to keep packing in as many annoying characters as they can. Annoying doesn't always equal entertaining. However, the one highlight of the episode is the inclusion of Professor Von Schlemmer, as he's hilarious. We see him again in a few more episodes, and luckily he was able to liven things up here, as if not for him, this would be a big, fat goose egg. As far as the Chaos Emerald ring, I wonder if it's related to the other emeralds Robotnik tried to obtain in the four-part time travel saga. Those were invisibility, invincibility, immortality, and life, so would this one be immersion as it would sink land masses into the sea? Too bad we never got to see it in action, like have Sonic try to find the Secret Zone and stop Robotnik before he drowns a bunch of innocent people. Have some actual tension, not just fart around with an annoying sack of crap and Botsy's ever-failing robots the whole time. So in closing, I don't recommend "Fast and Easy", because it's not funny, it's unfocused, and it really looks like it was made in a short amount of time. Like, they had to get this out in one week, animation glitches and all. I don't really know the total production time spent on one episode of this show, but I'm willing to bet it's half the time of the Saturday show.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: So Long Sucker (1993) Season 1, Episode 20

My Pet Monster

[8/10 · 28 April 2024]

No matter how cute and cuddly they may appear, transdimensional monsters do not make good pets. Sonic and Tails get more than they bargained for when they encounter an otherworldly creature who almost ate them out of house and home... luckily they don't have either. The circumstances for how they came across this adorable blob of trouble are just about as odd and random as you'd expect. Sonic the Hedgehog was just running down the road one day, minding his own business, when suddenly a transdimensional portal opened up in front of him. It closed up soon after and then he went on his way, regarding it as a cool light show. Yeah, I guess with all he sees on Mobius, nothing surprises him anymore. However, because he took off in such a hurry, he didn't see what came through that portal: a small black alien with a big mouth and eyes up on stalks, who kinda look like a black version of Mr. Bumpy from Bump in the Night. He follows after Sonic to where he and Tails were having lunch. They mistake the little bugger for a pepper shaker (it happens). As soon as It cuddles up to Tails, the little fox immediately asks if they can keep him, even swearing that he'll take real good care of him and he won't be any trouble, to which Sonic reluctantly agrees. He names the little blob Goobster, and then they discover just what kind of food Goobster eats. Now I want you to just take a guess at what kind of food he eats. Just guess. I'll bet you'll never guess, not in a million years. Of course it's chili dogs! Don't you know by now that everything in this universe revolves around chili dogs? What show have you been watching for the past five weeks? Goobster practically inhales all of Sonic and Tails' dogs. See, that's what you guys look like. After that, Tails shows off some tricks the Goobster can do, by way of playing with him like he were a basketball. But fun and games will have to wait, because guess who abruptly flies in to give us a contrived action set piece? It's Scratch and Grounder flying planes that look like giant syringes. Yeah, we know the animators were drugs most of the time, you don't have to remind us, and I don't want to know what that white liquid is they shoot out the front! Since we know these two bots are pushovers, Sonic prepares to make short work of them. He takes a piece of Tails' chewing gum and stretches it across a canyon, making Grounder fly into it and get slingshotted into a wall. How convenient. Now there's just Scratch to deal with... but oh, what's this? Sonic can't run away because his foot is stuck between two rocks. Oh no, what ever will he do? I mean, it's not like he can't just take his shoe off. Looks like it's Tails and Goobster to the rescue. The little space frog increases in size and sucks Scratch's plane into his mouth, but spits out the latter as he doesn't like the taste of robot chicken. Oh, good thing you weren't a chili dog, Scratch. With the robots retreating, Goobster is hungry again. So Sonic tries a variety of other foods to pacify him, but no, it's chili dogs or nothing. Come on, you're the same way, Sonic, think of this as a smaller, blobbier and slower version of you. Well, you can bet Dr. Robotnik wasn't happy with his robots' latest screw-up. Seriously, why is he surprised? They told him about the little black alien, but he doesn't believe their story. Luckily Grounder came equipped with a feature that kicks his own ass, which saves Botsy the trouble. Still, since Tails has a pet, alien or not, Robotnik could use that to his advantage to finally nab himself a hedgehog.

Despite Tails trying to speak up for Goobster, Sonic declares him a menace and that he's got to go. The little pus ball overheard him and sadly ran away, following a trail of chili dogs all the way to a waiting van, which Scratch and Grounder are driving. Once it's imprisoned back at the fortress and Sonic given the ransom note, Robotnik knows it will be just a matter of time before he swaps out an alien for a hedgehog and a fox. Unfortunately, he also learns the hard way about why you shouldn't tick this little guy off. When Goobster gets angry, he increases in size and turns on vacuum mode, sucking up everything and anything in its path. Fortunately, some chili dogs help to quell his monstrous tantrum and shrink him back down to size. So after being thrown around the room, having his pants taken off and having a ceiling fan fall on his head, Dr. Robotnik comes to the realization to just how useful this little creature could be. If he could harness that power, he could finally destroy Sonic. Yeah, and you could take over the world too, if you wanted. Guess Botsy has his priorities. As for our heroes, they enter the fortress via the roof, but the bad doctor was waiting for them. Strapped to a chair was poor little Goobster, an unwilling accomplice in his latest bout of villainy. At the press of a button, Goobster sucks up Sonic and Tails and swallows them. Wow, that was easy. Looks like Botsy is victorious... for a few seconds, then the little blob gets sick and spits them out. He's on a strict chili dog-only diet, remember? They free Goobster, thrash about Scratch and Grounder, then make tracks. They head out to the country where Sonic first saw that flash of lightning, hoping to recreate it and reopen that portal so they can send Goobster home. Unfortunately, the villains are flying right after them, but luckily stupidity and gravity take care of them. Lightning strikes, while at the same time, reopening the portal, and there on the other side are Goobster's parents, waiting for him. They bid a reluctant adieu to the little blob, who is then reunited with his family, and the portal closes again. Poor Tails was going to miss that little ball of trouble something awful, so Sonic offers to take him for chili dogs, then see about getting him a new pet. Tails suggests a wild, rock-eating gunderthork, while Sonic was thinking more like a goldfish. Our Sonic Says is about taking care of your pets, and one thing is for sure, your pets don't eat chili dogs.

This was a fun episode. There's good humor, the story is interesting, it doesn't get too ridiculous, and it's pretty focused. There's some funny moments, like Robotnik tearfully remembering his pet cockroach. Guess it just goes to show that some creatures just don't make good pets, and creatures like Goobster are no exception. The opening when the little blob comes out of that portal gives a nice glimpse of the universe outside of Mobius, kind of like in "Close Encounter of the Sonic Kind" and "Zoobotnik", showing that other worlds do exist, and despite all the weird, alien creatures on Mobius, there are others in other places. If the series had continued, I wonder if we would've seen more of them. I don't have much more to say, which is why critiquing good episodes of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog is hard, there's nothing for me to complain about. Okay, Sonic does don another of his annoying disguises, this time as a German maid, and of course, Scratch doesn't recognize him. They just loved that gag, didn't they? I also like how toward the beginning when Scratch and Grounder are flying in, they say, "the bots are back." Yeah, no kidding, they never left. So, in closing, I recommend "So Long Sucker." It's got heart, it's got humor, and despite it being the story of an interdimensional traveling blob, it's not too farfetched.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Mad Mike, Da Bear Warrior (1993) Season 1, Episode 34

I'm Just Here For the Chili

[7/10 · 27 April 2024]

As we've seen in this series, Sonic the Hedgehog has single-handedly taken down every trap and obstacle that Dr. Robotnik has thrown at him. He's Mobius' last-and only-line of defense. But you know what? Sometimes even the most invincible protagonists need a hand, or two, for this time, an entire village of starved rabbits need the hedgehog's help in overcoming Robotnik's treachery. He's enslaved them to build a giant statue of him, and is withholding food. Interesting how sometimes Robotnik is evil and ruthless, and other times he's just a blithering idiot. This is one of his "evil, ruthless" episodes. So why does Sonic need extra help besides Tails to aid him in this escapade? Because the only road to the rabbit village is laden with booby traps, courtesy of Botsy, so Sonic has teamed up with Big Mike and Big Gris, da bears, to drive a giant food truck down that treacherous road and feed the villagers. They received intel from an escapee named Updike... and no, I will not make fun of his name, even if the opportunity is staring me right in the face. Scratch and Grounder overhear Updike telling Sonic about their predicament, with Scratch making quips about everything the rabbit says like he thinks he's funny, then he and Grounder get into a driller pod and infiltrate the yard where Da Bears and Da Truck are being prepared. In the process, a junked car falls on Mike, trapping him. Using that to their advantage, the robots tow away the car, with Mike still inside it, and as they drill their way out, they toss some dynamite Sonic's way, collapsing their escape route. Their plan is to interrogate the bear to see what Sonic and the gang know about their booby trapped road. You might be thinking that Scratch and Grounder are unusually competent this time around: kidnapping one of Sonic's friends and preventing his immediate rescue. Well, every time they rack up a smart point, they build up a double amount of stupid points, and we'll see that come into play real soon. They take Mike to a secret location and strap him into an interrogation machine which, if he chooses not to talk, dispenses little robot flies, that Mike easily smashes with the arm he was able to pull free from the ropes. So, he could just get himself loose, smash the robots, and make haste back to Sonic and friends, but unfortunately, he's as strong as he is dumb, so that doesn't occur to him. Besides, we need to have more schtick with Sonic wearing a disguise. This time, he barges in dressed as a... Nazi interrogator. What else could he be? He's got the uniform, speaking in a German accent, and he instructs Scratch and Grounder how to properly interrogate the prisoner. He says they first have to tell him the secrets so he can divulge that information back to them, otherwise, how would he know? As expected, the robots are too dense to recognize Sonic and his latest attempt to bamboozle them, so like the metal plated idiots they are, they tell Mike (and Sonic) about the booby traps. Get ready for this: toad warriors, a castle, a steep cliff, and a black knight robot. They're further tricked into revealing that the only way to defeat the black knight is with a dragon. Okay, now that we have our plot spelled out for us, what do you say we get this show on the road?

With the knowledge of the booby traps in mind, Sonic, Tails, Updike, Mike, and Gris get in the truck and begin their journey. The robots won't give up easily, as they actually manage to fool them with the old detour-to-a-painted-backdrop-that-leads-nowhere-but-off-a-cliff trick (I wanted to give the Wile E. Coyote handbook joke a rest). Huh, they succeeded again. That's 2 smart points... and about 20 stupid ones. Well, surprisingly, the truck wasn't outfitted with flight capabilities so Sonic does the next best thing: over-inflates the tires so that they bounce when they hit the ground. They make their way through a river, even thwarting a hungry alligator by way of spraying chili in its mouth. In case you haven't guessed, the food they're transporting is chili dogs. Are they the only food in this universe? Well, to be fair, the Ninja Turtles cartoon makes it seem like pizza is their only food, so I guess that makes sense. But now, they cross into the valley of the toad warriors. Reminds me of when the Super Mario Bros Super Show did their own Mad Max parody with the Toad Warriors... featuring Toad. I guess DiC liked that concept so much, they used it again for Sonic. Oh, how will they ever fend off this sinister toad biker gang? With Mad Mike, Da Bear Warrior at the wheel, he makes those toads look right foolish and proves what clumsy bikers they really are. All the while, Dr. Robotnik, who finally showed up 13 minutes in, has been monitoring our heroes' progress, and he isn't very happy about it. He orders Scratch and Grounder to stop that truck by any means necessary, so they resort to the castle that was mentioned among the traps. It's a just-add-water castle: drop the pellet in a river, and voila, a full-sized castle is erected. That would sure cure the homeless problem. The castle stops them dead in their tracks, so Mike and Gris catapult themselves inside to bring down the house. They chase the robots around with maces, until they bring out the black knight, who is also a just-add-water concoction. Ooh, this guy is big and deadly, even Mike and Gris are no match for it. But, as usual, Sonic has an ace up his sleeve, so he radios Updike in the truck to press the red button he was so curious about earlier, and guess what it does? Well, this truck is also a Transformer. Sadly, it doesn't turn into Optimus Prime, instead it transforms into a dragon. Remember, the dim-bots said the black knight's only weakness was a dragon? Can't really call this a deux ex machina, as it was told to us earlier. The truck/dragon fries the black knight, making him run for the hills. With all the laughable booby traps defeated, the gang finally arrives at the rabbit village and gives them all the chili dogs their stomachs could handle. Hope they brought along a hefty supply of Pepto-Bismol too. When Dr. Robotnik shows up to grumble at his defeat, they douse him in chili and send the angry villagers after him, causing him to retreat. The day is won! And to top it off, Sonic transforms the giant Robotnik statue into one of Big Gris and Mad Mike, da bear heroes. Our Sonic Says is about not taking medication that isn't prescribed to you, in this case Updike wanting to take some of Grounder's aspirin. This is as close to an anti-drug message as the show got, and it's a good message: don't take medicine that you aren't personally prescribed, and don't take drugs either. They never came out and said not to do illegal drugs, like we never saw Scratch and Grounder smoking weed and trying to get Tails to take a toke, we never went down that rabbit hole with the Adventures series, it's like the one topic they avoided.

This episode was pretty good. It wasn't as good as "The Robotnik Express", but it's still fun. Mike and Gris, da bears, are back, and it's too bad they didn't stick around. Much like MacHopper, the fun secondary characters are only one-or-two-offs, while annoying characters like Wes Weasely stick around indefinitely. This is also an Adventures episode that I had never seen before, and I thought I'd seen them all. I actually saw a short clip of it when flipping through the channels about 25 years ago, and I swear, I heard Big Gris at one point say "come back with my Sonic." He was on the back of the truck and everything and I heard him say that. However, he doesn't say it at any point. Mandela Effect, I guess. So if you haven't seen it either, I recommend "Mad Mike, Da Bear Warrior" as it's an interesting parody of Mad Max: The Road Warrior, and as earlier mentioned, Super Mario did their own parody with The Toad Warrior, and we got toad warriors in the Sonic one too. It's fun, it's got some laughs, the animation, while there are some off-model moments, is not distracting, the writing is decent, and the voicework is pretty good too. Check it out and watch how one hedgehog can make a difference.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Zoobotnik (1993) Season 1, Episode 40

Momma Robotnik Saves the Day!

[5/10 · 19 April 2024]

Did you ever wonder what would happen if Dr. Robotnik ever found his soulmate, then got married and settled down? You could argue the man is married to his work: trying to conquer Mobius and capture himself a certain pesky hedgehog, but suppose the right woman came around, who literally swept Botsy off his feet and wanted to join him in (un)holy matrimony? Well, she'd have to be someone mighty desperate and out of this world. Well, guess what? Somebody desperate and out of this world just happens to come to Mobius and falls head over heels for our favorite portly, bumbling villain. How did it all begin? Who is the lucky lady? What mental disorder does she have? We'll find out in today's episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, which is titled "Zoobotnik", and a very unusual title that is: just putting the word "zoo" in Robotnik's name? That makes no sense. But then nothing in this episode will make a lick of sense. It's Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, remember? Check sense and logic at the door, sit back, and enjoy the ride. So this big bundle of fun opens with Sonic and Tails hearing talk of Mobians disappearing for no reason. Someone's going around, snatching random people and taking them away. Sonic gets a few scattered descriptions of the culprit from a bunch of hysterical citizens, but gets nowhere fast, and you all know how much he hates that. And as fast as you can say "this is not funny", the whole crowd of people suddenly vanished, leaving random articles of clothing behind. So we got a ninja thief abducting people and whisking them away without a trace. This is getting very strange, folks just disappearing. I mean, what's gonna happen next, Tails disappearing? So anyway, next, Tails disappears, leaving behind a single glove. Oh, this thief now got personal. You can abduct a bunch of random strangers, but when you kidnap Sonic's favorite damsel, you've gone too far. Luckily Sonic is wearing plot armor or else he would've snatched next. That always struck me as odd why this mystery person was grabbing up everybody, except Sonic. Well, we wouldn't have had an episode if he did. Actually, no, we would have, it just would've gone in a different direction. So if you're like me, you're probably thinking Robotnik is behind all of this. I mean, he's the only evildoer on Mobius, and he's kidnapped people before, so this could be one of his diabolical schemes, right? Nope, not this time. The perpetrator of these abductions is someone who looks like she flew in from a completely different series. This is Katella, a space hunter. We first see her setting a trap and capturing some sap off the street. So sometimes she sets lines and snares, other times she just magics them away? Whatever is convenient for the plot, I guess. I say she belongs in a different series because she's a proportionately drawn human woman. Okay, so she's taking random creatures, including Tails, and locking them in a cage. Why? Why is she doing this? She's not like the Predator as she doesn't kill who she finds, just abducts them. So this is some kind of sport for her? No matter, Coconuts witnesses the whole thing and zips back to tell Dr. Robotnik about it. From the description, he knows exactly who the mysterious visitor is: Katella, the space huntress, who goes around kidnapping rare and exotic creatures and sells them to zoos in other galaxies. Seems Botsy has been following her work for years, and knows he can use her to finally catch Sonic. I'm pretty sure she could have done that herself if not for the hedgehog's plot armor. Speaking of whom, Sonic calls a press conference, having managed to compile the names of all who'd been kidnapped, including Tails. Next, he prints up a ton of fliers and sticks them everywhere. I know where the producers can stick this script. This whole section is filler and adds nothing to what little plot we already had. We even get a throw-away gag of Sonic consulting the "Wise Old Hermit" on Mt. Mobius, as he's supposed to know everything. If you're like me, you already guessed the punchline to this joke, but here it is: the so-called wise old hermit asserts that two-tailed foxes don't exist. Yeah, but running blue hedgehogs do. Sonic is right, he's not very wise, and props to whatever child was brought in to write that joke.

Luckily, Sonic spots Katella's ship, as she's given up on subterfuge. He sees Tails on board, and you'll notice he's wearing both of his gloves even though he left one behind when he was captured. He gives chase, but Katella actually manages to elude him. Again, why not capture him? There has to be a more sound explanation that just plot armor. But she actually managed to lose him, a feat very few have ever achieved. Anyway, somehow Robotnik managed to send her a dinner invite, and eagerly anticipates her arrival at his fortress. She arrives, aptly walking all over Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts in the process, and when she finally meets the infamous Dr. Robotnik, she inexplicably falls in love with him. Guess that crazy 'stache is a chick magnet. She goes absolutely crazy over him, throwing him around, smacking him, riding him like a bull, she's got a very strange and violent way of expressing affection. Reluctantly, the doc accepts her feelings for him on condition that she help him capture Sonic. And what plan does she use to lure him in? The old talking Tails doll from "Grounder the Genius", rigged to a cage. Best hunter in the galaxy, eh? Sonic sees through the trap right away, but gives himself up, knowing it was the only way to save Tails. So Katella does what she should've done at the start and catches Sonic the Hedgehog. He's put in with the other prisoners, along with Tails, and digs them all out, and here's where the animators goofed yet again: they're supposed to all be on Katella's ship, yet in this scene, they're clearly on solid ground. With the hostages safe, it's time to crash Botsy's wedding. That's right, Katella is so uncontrollably smitten that she wants to marry Robotnik right then and there. Poor thing probably hasn't been with a man in decades. Sonic says he's going to crash it to teach Robotnik a lesson, when really it should be more about teaching Katella, as she was the perpetrator here, Robotnik didn't contribute much to the plot. In fact, Sonic and Katella don't even interact at all! What kind of writing is that? But anyway, he barges in dressed as a justice of the peace, and of course the two dim-witted villains don't recognize him. Katella really isn't all she's cracked up to be, is she? Sonic provides everything: music (played by a devilish looking Tails on the piano), witnesses (Scratch and Grounder in a suit and veil respectively) and even a party pooper. The best he could find: Momma Robotnik! Instantly, she gets in a fight with the future Mrs. Robotnik, only to eventually get pushed through the wall via butt power. Katella retreats, declaring the wedding off and kicks everyone off her ship, then gets out of Dodge, leaving Dr. Robotnik to grovel to Momma, being honest with her, and subsequently getting a spanking. LOL! Our Sonic says is about wild animals, and how we should never intimidate them, lest their bite. Even if they're cute little squirrels in tophats. Good message.

This one was weird. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't very good either. Rowby Goren's script was a mess, the voice acting was terrible, and the animation was sloppy. Characters constantly going off-model, continuity and location errors were common, and oh, did you notice that when Sonic was playing justice of the peace, his shadow was waving its arms and goofing around? They had to have been on drugs when they made this. As you may have noticed, the producers were big Max Fleischer fans, which explains why some characters are modeled to look like ones from 1930s cartoons. They're a nice nod to the Golden Age, but they felt out of place here. Our story makes no sense and they do nothing with the premise. An intergalactic hunter comes to Mobius, kidnaps random anthropomorphic animals, and then suddenly has a tryst with Dr. Robotnik. It felt like part of the script was missing, like whatever was supposed to bridge the gap got lost. They must have accidentally torn that page out of their legal pad to throw away their gum and just said, "screw it, no one will notice." Oh yes we did. So, bad acting, writing, and animation aside... except for whoever drew Katella, as I said she was the most realistic and proportionately drawn human on the show, though she constantly moves around like one of those car dealership balloons... if you can overlook all that, then "Zoobotnik" is alright. My favorite part was when Momma Robotnik showed up, which is why I titled this review as "Momma Robotnik Saves the Day", because she actually did, coming along to liven things up. Anyway, I guess if you need something mindless to kill 20 minutes, then go ahead and check out "Zoobotnik," it's nothing to write home about and you're probably better off watching something else.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Super Special Sonic Search and Smash Squad (1993) Season 1, Episode 1

I, Dumbot

[6/10 · 14 April 2024]

Here's where it all began, the very first episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. This is the one that introduced us to the series and the wacky, nonsensical world within. Those familiar with the games already know the characters, but here's where some folks at DiC took them, gave them obnoxious personalities, made the villains really stupid, made Tails a damsel in distress, and made Sonic a near-invincible Mary Sue. It's a very formulaic show, but it's still entertaining. The best course of action is not to overthink what you're seeing, because this show plays by its own rules. The producers took heavy inspiration from Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote cartoons, and nowhere is that more apparent than the opening of this, the very first episode: we see Sonic racing down desert roads, tearing it up as he goes. Sounds familiar. I'm surprised he doesn't suddenly stop dead and the words: "Sonic the Hedgehog (Spineous Blue Speedous)" appear below him. No sooner do he and Tails stop running do Scratch and Grounder jump out and spring a trap on them, hanging them upside down from a tree. Of course, Sonic could just break out and keep going, but I guess he feels the need to tell the two dumbots about how they first met. They must have chosen the flashback route so it wouldn't affect the order in which these episodes aired in syndication. They did it so you could watch either the first or final episode and not miss a thing. Anyway, Sonic tells Scratch and Grounder about a time way back: four months ago to be exact, where Dr. Robotnik had gathered his army of robot bounty hunters to hunt down and annihilate a certain hedgehog. Those familiar with Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine will recognize a few of the bounty hunters. The doc rants and raves about how Sonic is the bane of his existence and puts up a bounty of one billion Mobiums. Sonic, who had snuck in and was watching from the audience, claims to be worth way more than that. Oh, I'm sure you really think that, you little showoff, and speaking of showoff, that's exactly what he does, proving that this bunch of bounty hunters blows chips. First, the hedgehog tricks Frankly, Dynamight, and Skweel into walking off a cliff, then he gives Arms and Davy Sprockett a wild ride, ending with them crashing into the side of a cliff, then finally, he causes Dragonbreath to knock over a tree, crushing him. At the least the video game gave more characterization to these guys, whereas here on the show, they're just throw-away baddies. Robotnik viewed the whole thing, claiming it to be only a small setback, as he's going to create himself some new robots. His recipe includes strength, fearlessness, rottenness, and intelligence, but obviously something went horribly, horribly wrong, because what came out of the insta-robot-maker was a lanky robotic chicken named Scratch who, while strong and rotten, is a cowardly dumbass. No matter, Robotnik still names him the first of his new Super "Special" Sonic Search and Smash Squad, and I put quotes around Special for a reason. Next, Botsy intends to create Scratch's identical twin by plucking a tail feather and tossing it into the machine, then he pulls a series of levers, with Scratch pulling one that was not intended to be pulled, and then from out of the machine comes a squat, green little multi-purpose bot named Grounder, and he's just as dumb as Scratch, if not dumber. Well, I'm actually glad that happened. I mean, who wanted to have Scratch in stereo? One is bad enough, but just imagine what would've happened if we had two. Huh, yeah, Botsy, with these two dunces at your disposal, Sonic is toast. Anyway, he gives them a copy of the Wile E. Coyote handbook and sends them out after the hedgehog, all while Coconuts, Robotnik's disgraced janitor robot monkey, decided to try and trap Sonic on his own.

Now we have a few rounds of Who Can Make a More Effective Hedgehog Trap. First up is Coconuts, who set up an attractive chili dog stand, which actually doubles as a gigantic death machine. It chases Sonic and Tails, firing cannons at them and reaching for them with giant, gloved hands. It almost worked, except Sonic was just a bit too fast for him. He stretched all the cannons to fire at the pilot, destroying the machine and leaving Coconuts all tied up. That's an A for effort, but an F for impact. Next up, Scratch relies on trap number 1 in the Handbook to trick Sonic into crashing into a wall with a painted mural in front of it. Grounder gets him to chase him by blowing into his hand and making a pumpkin pop out. (What? Pumpkin! Pumpkin, what? - Nostalgia Critic). He throws it at Sonic, who chases him toward the wall, only he outsmarts them and literally makes Scratch's plan come crashing down. That's a C for effort and an F- for impact. Now it's Grounder's turn, and they're going to lure Sonic into a deep pit. They do this by, huh, well, since they liked the inflatable gags so much, Scratch wears a glove that blows up into a woman. Oh yeah, they were on drugs when they made this. Sonic falls for the woman, and as surprising as it sounds, they actually get the drop on him. Sonic falls down the pit and he's trapped... for a few seconds, as he digs himself out and flattens the robots with anvils. That's a B- for effort and as for impact... um, a Z. Since Sonic was obviously too hard to catch, the bots actually succeed in capturing Tails. Sonic willingly surrenders, so he's put in a cage, while Tails is put in the stocks, and they call up Robotnik to come collect their prize. That's when Coconuts shows up and ties up Scratch and Grounder, saying he deserved the money. Actually no you don't, lightbulb brain, as their plan actually worked, as cheap as it was. Oh, how is Sonic going to get out of this? Easy, he uses reverse psychology to get Coconuts to open the cage and put Grounder and Scratch in, only for him to race out and lock up the monkey with the rest of them. And now, for the piece de resistance, when they see Robotnik flying in, Sonic creates a dust cloud, then calls him up, pretending to be an air traffic controller and tricks him into crashing. Back to the present, Sonic concludes his story by breaking out of the trap and racing off with Tails. Our Sonic Says is about calling 911. It opens with Sonic and Tails surrounded by Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts, with the little fox saying they should call 911, but Sonic says this is nothing and that number is for real emergencies. Okay, but let's look at this objectively, shall we? We all know those three idiot robots are harmless, but what about in real life if you're surrounded by people who want to harm you, they're much bigger than you, and they're armed? Are you saying to deal with them ourselves? I know what message they're trying to convey, as 911 is only for fire, police, or paramedic emergencies, but some of us are not fast hedgehogs surrounded by pushovers.

So that was "Super Special Sonic Search and Smash Squad". That's a very strange name, why not just call it Sonic Smash Squad? Because they're super "special", of course. This episode is not bad, and it's quite entertaining despite the idiocy on display. The animation is terrible as the character models are all over the place, the voice acting is terrible, the writing is below substandard, but it's not a bad episode. It gets the ball rolling for the series we're going to see, and some episodes are good, and some are bad. As you may have noticed, Coconuts and Grounder originated from Sonic 2, while Scratch is an original character but he's based off Cluck from the Sky Fortress level. You know something else? For a while I've been noticing that Scratch and Grounder remind me of another famous robot duo, and only recently did I finally figure out whom. Let's see: one is tall, talkative, a bit cowardly and walks, while the other is short, has tons of gadgets at his disposal, and rolls. You know what famous robot duo I'm talking about, right? Yep: C-3PO and R2-D2. These two are supposed to be dumber, more violent versions of those famous droids from Star Wars. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it's plain to see. If C-3PO was a robot chicken and R2-D2 was a little green garbage disposal. I had a bad feeling about that. But anyway, I recommend "Super Special..." as it's entertaining, so long as you don't take it too seriously. I know this is the episode the Nostalgia Critic ragged on the most in his review of the series, and his points are definitely valid, but I say check it out anyway, and if you haven't played Mean Bean Machine, give that a try too.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Birth of a Salesman (1993) Season 1, Episode 12

Buyer's Remorse

[3/10 · 11 April 2024]

When you look at Dr. Robotnik and his vast array of inventions that never succeed in taking over Mobius or, at the very least, eliminating a certain blue hedgehog, you have to wonder if this guy was ever a serious threat. The obvious answer is no, he's a total buffoon. So, maybe an outside party with some slick gadgets of their own could help him get a leg up, and that's what happens in today's episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog... and that's all that happens, because this one has no story or plot. Yeah, it was written by 3 people and yet there's no plot or story anywhere. It also gives us the introduction of a very annoying recurring character, and by the end, you won't know who to root for. It all began when Robotnik was firing off insults at his two incompetent lackies for failing to catch Sonic, just like always. This is a problem when your henchmen are robots and not living beings. With living beings, like say, Bebop and Rocksteady from Ninja Turtles, or Bulk and Skull from Power Rangers, there's not much you can do about their ineptitude. They're living beings who are naturally stupid and too stubborn to change. With robots like Scratch and Grounder, Robotnik could easily upgrade their intelligence and program them to be more competent at their objectives. But then we've already established that Robotnik himself is an idiot, so that's why he's made no progress. But perhaps someone might come along to help him get an edge. Enter Wes Weasely, an annoying, fast-talking salesman, an overdone stereotype that was everywhere back in the day. He represents the Handy Dandy Super Villain Appliance Distributors Limited, which he literally spells out. His song and dance wins over Robotnik, showing that Weasely is about to enjoy an early retirement. So what's in this arsenal of super villain appliances? First up is the Darkenator, a machine that makes dark where there's light. Ah, ripping off Dr. Seuss I see. Anyone who's seen The Cat in the Hat Gets Grinched will recognize this as one of the Grinch's inventions: the Dark House (opposite of a lighthouse). The doc pays 100,000 big ones for it, with two sets of infrared goggles thrown in. Oh, with this at his disposal, Sonic will have to slow down, right? Yeah, well, if you just spent 100,000 Mobiums on something, why would you then trust idiots like Scratch and Grounder with it? That's exactly what Robotnik does: he tasks the nincombots to use it on Sonic. They predictably mess it up, as for some reason it doesn't take up the entire screen like it did when Weasely demonstrated it, and they can't find the infrared goggles so they're literally in the dark. When Sonic spots them, he causes them to destroy the machine and says what we're all thinking: "What a couple'a dumbots." Now what I find interesting is that Weasely claims the machine was tampered with, but that's never followed up on. Who would tamper with it and why? Just tell the truth: the dummies didn't use it right. Alright, so what's that snake oil salesman got next? Why it's a Freezebanger, a machine that fires frozen blasts of ice. Botsy takes two. And yet again, tasks Scratch and Grounder with using them. It's at this point I think that Robotnik is a masochist who just likes watching his own inventions screw up just so he can get angry about it. Should I even bother to say what happens? The two Tweedle Dums aim the Freezebangers at Sonic, he jumps, they freeze each other. As an added measure, Sonic runs a fire figure 8 around the frozen blockheads, and they melt. Yeah, they melt away. Good nightmare fuel for the children. They're melting, they're melting. Oh, what a world, what a world.

For some reason, Dr. Robotnik solidifies his liquidated lackeys... like I said, he's a masochist. Determined to bilk this moronic super villain out of his last dime, Wes Weasely unveils his next gadget: the Gravity Stopper, which will render anyone in its path weightless, with two pairs of self-gravity boots included. Look, just zap Scratch and Grounder and watch them float away, it'll save you the trouble. I think Sonic is just as bored of this episode as I am, because as Tails just wants to sit and rest, he runs around like a small child on a sugar and caffeine rush. But then all he does is run around and show off anyway. Okay, so here come Grounder and Scratch, let's see them bungle things up again. Well, at first, they succeed: they blast Sonic and Tails, making them weightless, and Sonic even delivers a funny line: "I'm weightless", said in the same tone of "I'm waiting" which I hate, so points to the writers for a funny joke. The robots gloat that their nemesis is stuck, until Sonic points out that Tails can just fly him away, then he dares the two of them to remove their boots and come after them. At first, they don't buy it, so it looks like we actually have some tension and Sonic will have to rely on his own wits and ingenuity to get out of this fix. No, because this script was scribbled out on a legal pad in an afternoon, he just tricks Scratch into removing his boots to go up after them. Now he's trapped, and Grounder has to shut off the machine to free him. They crash into each other, with Sonic remarking, "that's life, fellas: ups and downs, up and downs." Yeah, just like this show, ups and downs, and right now, this is a big down. Well, we've got time for one more gadget, let's see what it is and then easily predict how it goes awry. Weasely unveils the Deatomizer, anything it zaps will instantly vanish, and then reappear wherever you want it, though he warns Botsy not to touch the red switch. This time, he forces Weasely to go with Grounder and Scratch to use the device. When Sonic shows up, they predictably hit the red switch, and instead of vanishing Sonic, they clone him, so now there's five. They chase off the bots with a giant popcorn ball, then threaten to put the salesman in jail if his invention isn't reversible. No, just put him in jail anyway, or better yet, the nuthouse. He manages to compress the five Sonics back into one, then they plan to put one over on Robotnik, who was venting his frustrations out on his bots. Well, what did you expect, you inflated blimp? That's when Sonic shows up, dressed as a shark salesman... no, he's not selling sharks, he is a shark. He gives Botsy a song and dance about a new machine, which was all of Weasely's previous machines combined, all doing to Robotnik what he tried to do to Sonic: putting him in the dark, freezing him, making him float, making he, Scratch and Grounder disappear, and finally, reappearing and reorganizing their heads, torsos, and appendages. Our story doesn't really have a moral, mainly because we had no story. Our Sonic Says demonstrates the old adage: if it sounds too good to be true, it's probably false, and we see Weasely sucker poor Tails out of a hundred bucks over a robot toy.

That was "Birth of a Salesman", though I wish it was "Death of a Salesman", and I'm not talking about the movie or play. Wes Weasely is here to stay, having a handful more appearances, usually trying to swindle Robotnik, and he's such an easy target, isn't he? Now what's interesting is that all of his machines actually worked, so he's not entirely dishonest. Same thing happens in this episode's sequel: "Magic Hassle", where Coconuts gets to be the one to foul things up. The spells all worked, it was just the wielder who misused them. Doesn't mean Weasely isn't a giant crook though. The character was based off Phil Silvers, most notably Ernie Bilko, and the salesman stereotype was everywhere back in the day: Garfield & Friends, first season of Pee-Wee's Playhouse, even the Jumanji animated series had a jungle salesman, voiced by Tim Curry, by the way. Now as far as this episode of Adventures, the writing was very poor, and it took three people: Bruce Shelly, Reed Shelly, and Steven J. Fisher to combine their lack-of-effort into this mess. No plot, no story, just non-stop idiocy and annoyance. This was just a filler, quota episode. They needed a grand total of 65, not all of them can have substance, some just need to be a waste, and that's what this was. Okay, to be fair, this series never inspired to be deep, edgy, or have a message like the Saturday version, this was just meant to be noisy fun to entertain the kids during the week. Obviously little kids find Scratch and Grounder to be funny. Now what makes Sonic the hero of our show is that only he has the power and the might to overthrow the villain threatening humanity, but when the villain is as big of an idiot as Dr. Robotnik, it doesn't seem like he's a big threat. In closing, I don't recommend "Birth of a Salesman", it's not funny and it's boring. The writing is horrible, the voice acting is horrible, the animation is... standard for this series, it's just a waste.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Robo-Ninjas (1993) Season 1, Episode 64

Enter the Hedgehog

[2/10 · 7 April 2024]

I may be highly critical of the producers of this series, but for the times I have to give them credit, I will not hold anything back. Anybody who can take a concept like robot ninjas and make it dull deserves some recognition. You have to try hard to make that happen. In this episode, Dr. Robotnik attempts to make his robots into ninjas, and as cool as that idea sounds, they completely bungle it up. I mean, at this point in the series' run, it was the best it had to give, which is really sad. So how did Francis Moss and the other folks behind the scenes take an interesting concept and muck it up? Let's find out in "Robo Ninjas." It begins with Scratch and Grounder setting up trap number 505 of the Wile E. Coyote handbook: erecting a fake building set to fall down, with free chili dogs as bait. When Sonic and Tails arrive, they immediately deduce it's a trap, and it almost works. They make off with their eats, while the building falls down on Scratch. Robotnik then calls up to chide them for flushing yet another attempt at hedgehog-napping down the toilet, and says from hereon out, they're on their own. Angry that their boss kicked them to the curb, the bots decide to take out their frustrations on the first being who walked by. Enter a tall, mysterious crane named Crane, who speaks in homespun philosophies... spun out of his ass, most likely. Crane easily defeats Scratch and Grounder with his lightning fast ninja skills and takes off, all while being caught on Robotnik candid camera. Or rather, Coconuts saw it and tried frantically showing it to Botsy, and they exchange a bad joke: Coconuts: "Ninja, ninja, ninja!" Robotnik: "Gesundheit." Ugh, it much funnier when it was told in Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. Bruce: "Jiu Jitsu." Andrea: "Gesundheit." LOL. Anyway, Robotnik reads up on this ninja concept and gets an idea: he'll turn Scratch and Grounder into ninja warriors, and he'll accomplish this by way of kidnapping Crane, bringing him back to the fortress, and transplanting his skills into the robots' empty heads. Guess that takes much less time than teaching them. Once the transfer of skills and knowledge is complete, Grounder and Scratch burst out of their pods, displaying lightning fast reflexes. This was a concept that had potential, but sadly, it was completely squandered, for you see, the running gag in this episode is characters spouting nonsensical philosophies, and they do it to a nauseating degree, and the two robots are doing this constantly, even speaking in mock Japanese accents! Well, it was the early '90s, and at least they didn't put them in yellowface. So how do these two dimwits fare as warriors? Well, either Crane is an idiot, or their stupidity is incurable, because despite being faster, Grounder and Scratch are still very gullible and easily fooled when it comes to battling Sonic and Tails, even though they came close. Close, but no cigar.

Robotnik tries to figure out what he did wrong. What, you mean besides building those two idiots and giving them the intelligence God gave the carpet tack? Crane suggests that fighting is only half the battle, as they also need knowledge and philosophy. In other words, Botsy, just make them smarter. Why can't he figure that out? He invented a genius chip once. But no, instead he just sucks even more out of Crane's brain and transfers it into the two nitwits. A plant with weak roots will not grow no matter the fertilizer... oh geez, now I'm doing it. And if he's doing this with Scratch and Grounder, why not Coconuts too? Because Robotnik is a douchebag, I thought that was already clear. So now that the chicken and the dishwasher have philosophy, does that make them better warriors? Well, I will say this, when it comes to combat, they're better than Sonic, because all he can do is run. If not for his speed, they might have a shot. Maybe he should learn to fight evenly instead of relying on super speed to get him out of trouble, eh? Despite being more skilled warriors, the robots still fail to catch Sonic. But maybe they are slightly more intelligent, as they don't fall for one of his disguises. They still get away, leaving Robotnik insanely frustrated. But hey, why have two stupid robot ninjas when you can have several? He's going to create himself an army of robot ninjas, and had this happened on any other show, it would've been awesome. As for Sonic, he'd heard Scratch mention Master Crane, and deduces that's where they got these skills. That's when they happen upon a student of Crane's, Grasshopper, who is a... Grasshopper. Nice simple name. When he learns of his master's capture at the hands of Robotnik, he wants to go save him, but Sonic points out that this is his show and only he can do the rescuing. He even shows off a few moves, like the Chop Suey and Chow Mein. This isn't funny! This Grasshopper character is a waste, like why not have him teach Sonic a few fighting moves. He's got the speed, he just needs the skill. But no, we've only got 7 minutes left of this crap, so let's just cut to the big rescue scene. Sonic, Tails, and Grasshopper approach the fortress, and the hedgehog tells them to stay out there and watch his back. Yeah, going in a fortress and facing an army of ninja robots single-handedly is definitely a feat this blue Mary Sue would do. But first, he meets Coconuts, who's green with ninja envy. He attempts to fight Sonic, who claims he will stand still so that the monkey can hit him, but slightly cheats when he ducks, sending the simian simpleton up the river. Going inside, he takes down a few robot ninjas easily, but is eventually caught in Grounder's net, only this time when he dons a disguise, it fools them. Enough with the disguises!! Oh yeah, and for some reason, Scratch and Grounder are stupid again. When were they smart? The cocky hedgehog finds himself cornered, lamenting that he didn't let Tails and Grasshopper help. Oh, what's wrong, Speedy, can't get yourself out of this jam? You ran roughshod around the place, kicking and electrocuting robots like nothing, and now you're stuck? Bad writing at its finest. Luckily, the fox and giant insect show up to save his blue bacon... blue bacon? Ew. All together, they take out Dr. Robotnik's useless robot ninjas, and then it's revealed that Crane could've freed himself at any point. Why didn't he? Well, in his own words: "the strength of one's muscles cannot always be measured with the tape measure of anger." Why would I expect anything less? So I guess the robot ninjas were loadbaring, as the fortress begins to crumble. Robotnik, Scratch and Grounder flee and our heroes book it before the whole place comes crashing down. We end on a bad chili dog philosophy from Sonic, and then we get our Sonic Says, which features Scratch and Grounder playing ball with Tails... how unusually nice, only the fox kicks it out in the street, and the bots don't look where they're going and get hit by a truck. The lesson is not to play in the street. Pretty sure Tails did that on purpose. I would've too.

No plot, no story, terrible jokes, and what action there is comes off as extremely lame and muddled. That's Robo Ninjas, taking an interesting concept and squeezing the life and soul out of it. The script was terrible. Maybe Francis Moss thinks nonsense philosophy sounds funny, but it gets old real fast. What was even the point of this episode? Just turning Scratch and Grounder into ninjas. So what? Is it because the Ninja Turtles were still big and the producers of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog wanted a slice (of pizza)? Well, this was a pizza with anchovies, let me tell you. This was a bad episode, but it wasn't as terrible as Tails' New Home, Sonically Ever After, Magic Hassle, or Trail of Missing Tails. I could go on and on about ways to fix it, but that would be a waste. The Adventures series was cruising toward the end, and as earlier stated, this was the best it had to offer at this stage. They wanted to do something with ninjas, so throw in two uninteresting Martial arts masters, make Scratch and Grounder talk in mock Japanese accents, whoop and hiya like Bruce Lee on amphetamines, and fall on their asses. Also, they really overdid the disguise gimmick. It's so annoying seeing Sonic constantly dress up in bad disguises and the stupid robots not recognizing him. Finally, the voices. It's no exaggeration that Sonic, Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts have insanely annoying voices, and it's been that way since the beginning, but I guess when the whole idea of an episode is to spend 20 minutes annoying you, it's more plain to hear. In short, I do not recommend Robo Ninjas, it sucks the big one. You want cartoons about ninjas, watch the Ninja Turtles... the 1987 and 2003 versions, not the others. Maybe this concept would've worked better on the Saturday series. That Robotnik would've made some smarter ninja robots.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Close Encounter of the Sonic Kind (1993) Season 1, Episode 8

Sonic Nose Best

[7/10 · 3 April 2024]

Never let it be said that our heroic hedgehog isn't always cordial to visitors, especially those who randomly crash land on Mobius and have to leave in a hurry or suffer the wrath of a vengeful toddler. In any other reality, that would sound crazy, but luckily this series is not set in any actual reality. Join us, friends, as we see what happens when there's a Close Encounter of the Sonic Kind. It all started when Scratch and Grounder were deploying trap number 75 from the Wile E. Coyote handbook: placing Dr. Robotnik's new electromagnetic suction plate in the middle of the road and using it to stop Sonic dead in his tracks when he runs over it. When activated, the suction plate shoots a beam high, high into the air, so high it breaks through the atmosphere and into space, where at that exact moment, naive Prince Charlock, who is some kind of human/squid hybrid and his assistant, the clockwatching floating amoeba Splorg, were flying by, with the prince wishing to pay Mobius a visit, as it's one of several worlds his baby brother wants to blow up. Well, he gets his wish when they're pulled down to the planet's surface, destroying their ship and disabling the suction plate. Scratch and Grounder greet them with aggression, but Sonic intervenes and tosses them off a cliff. Once introductions are made, Splorg is upset about the damaged ship and constantly presses about their urgency to get back to Rombus where Prince Charlock is only two hours away from being crowned king. However, the prince was more preoccupied with Mobius and requests a guided tour. That is until reality sets in and he finally realizes what a grave situation they're in: if they're not back for the coronation, Charlock's baby brother will be crowned king, and his first order of business will be to blow up Mobius. With time of the essence, Sonic quickly gathers up all the pieces to the ship, save for two: the cockpit canopy and the navigational nosecone. Without them, the ship isn't going anywhere. Always the optimist, Sonic, Tails, and their alien companions set off to comb the area for those missing pieces. All the while, the prince is fascinated with the flora and fauna around him, including Curly-Q trees, which I swear sounds like something Dr. Seuss would come up with. They find the canopy on the other side of a river of pee. I mean, look at it, it's a bright yellow liquid, what else could it be? This place has a river of pee! Anyway, Scratch and Grounder... ah darn, they survived... arrive and try to thwart our heroes with the suction plate, only being the idiots that they are, hold it backwards and end up getting themselves sucked into it. Geez, Robotnik can conjure up all these new inventions every week, yet he can't seem to upgrade his two robot lackeys' brains. Following that, they fall into the pee river and go over the waterfall. Talk about a golden shower. Okay, that's enough, I promise. Tails grabs the canopy, so now the only missing piece was the nosecone. They search in a canyon that has... giant stone bowling pins, large stone dominoes, a basketball hoop without a net... what is this, a giant's outdoor game room? Splorg spots the red nosecone on top of a peak. Good, just run up and get it, and everything should be hunky dory. But, of course, Dumb and Dumber show up to try and stop them, and this time they point the plate in the right direction, only Sonic ducks and the beam catches a boulder (man, these guys suck), which flattens them and buries Sonic and Charlock under a pile of rocks, but they survive. The prince grabs what he thinks is the nosecone, even though it's obviously a large drill bit that belongs to Grounder, who keeps losing it in this episode. The heroes make off with Grounder's nose, while the bots are stuck with the ship's nosecone. When they realize the snafu, Splorg reminds us that if they can't get back to Rombus, Charlock's evil little brother will destroy Mobius and they'll be royally screwed. Man, Splorg, you really are a buzzkill.

Getting a bright idea for once, Scratch and Grounder use the nosecone as bait to lure Sonic into their trap. Grounder calls up Dr. Robotnik, who finally shows up twelve minutes into the episode. He's bragging about his electromagnetic suction plate, but deems his best creation to be his Egg-O-Matic, which he then starts making out with. Gross. The phone rings and Botsy says he's on his way, and even though Grounder was the one who called him, Robotnik is talking to Scratch for some reason. Anyway, he jumps in his hover craft, which has trouble starting as despite his great love for his flying round vehicle, he neglected to have it tuned up. As for the robots' plan, Sonic employs a little reverse psychology, saying they don't need the nosecone and that Grounder's drill nose will suffice. Not having that, the little green clothes dryer gives chase all over the outdoor rec room, finally getting caught in the suction plate. When Scratch deactivates it to free him, Sonic grabs the nosecone and flees, leaving the two idiot bots to duke it out. Sonic sends the gang back to the ship, while he dresses up like the Chiquita Banana girl, expositing that he was going to do something clever and funny to destroy the suction plate, but since Scratch and Grounder are beating each other up with it, there was no need, and I have to admit, that was a really funny gag. Though it's too bad Sonic always feels the need to show off and one-up the two dummies when clearly there's no need, I mean how many times have we seen just how useless they are in this episode alone? It's usually in situations like that when Sonic is showboating and leaving his friends defenseless does Dr. Robotnik get the drop on them, and guess what, boys and girls, that's exactly what happens! When Sonic gets back, he finds Robotnik holding Tails, Charlock, and Splorg hostage, threatening to blast them into vapor. Despite the amoeba trying to warn Robotnik about the planet's impending doom, he doesn't listen, claiming he's too smart to fall for that old trick. Botsy was willing to trade the nosecone for Sonic, so the hedgehog gives himself up and the prince is returned his coveted ship part. However, feeling he couldn't just abandon his friends after all they've done, the wily prince gets one over on Robotnik by knocking over the tall stone dominoes- bet you knew that was coming- and they all come falling toward the morbidly obese badman. He attempts to flee in his faulty Egg-O-Matic, only to be crushed. Hurrah! Our heroes have won the day. Wasting no time, they affix the canopy and nosecone to the ship, and it's here we learn that the big threat facing Mobius this whole time was a cranky two-year-old. An actual baby brother. Though, I wouldn't put it past a two-year-old to have the ability to destroy a planet, given what kind of universe this show is set in. So, Prince Charlock and Splorg blast off and our tale comes to a close. Our Sonic Says is about always wearing sunscreen when you set out to get a tan. This is a lesson that's even more important today, given the ever-receding ozone layer, constantly rising UV rays and ever growing risk of skin cancer. Good lesson, always lather up before you lay in the sun.

This episode was pretty good, had some laughs, and a few moments of suspense. However, it was definitely without a competent editor. The opening shot pans across a desert road, we hear Scratch and Grounder, but don't see them, then it flash cuts to a shot of them running. Then, the biggest goof of all happens toward the end when Sonic asks the prince if he'll come back to visit, we see a shot of Scratch and Grounder, with the latter mouthing Sonic's words. What happened, did the Korean animators forget what character was supposed to be speaking, or did the original shot get lost and they only had five seconds to find something else to splice in? Well, technical glitches and nitpicks aside, Close Encounter of the Sonic Kind is a fun watch. That one disguise gag was pretty funny, and as far as Grounder and his nose, it's not like he can't get just another one, it is only a drill bit. So in closing, I would recommend Close Encounter of the Sonic Kind, as it embodies that silly, wacky, nonsensical Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog humor that we've come to love... more or less. Check it out, and watch the gang play an even more sadistic game of Got Your Nose.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: The Robotnik Express (1993) Season 1, Episode 14

What a Way to Run a Railroad

[8/10 · 31 March 2024]

Dr. Robotnik's got a big delivery of explosives coming to him via the railroad: a train pulling cars full of bombs being engineered by none other than Scratch and Grounder. Something tells me his order won't be arriving on time, especially if a plucky hedgehog, his two-tailed companion, and two big-hearted, empty-headed bears have anything to say about it. Such is the confusing chain of events that unfold when taking a ride on The Robotnik Express. As the train flies down the rails, the two dunces fighting over who gets to blow the whistle, they're spotted by Big Mike and Big Gris, two burly bears in hotrods. They know this train is Dr. Robotnik's, and they're only too happy to rob it. At the same time, they see two blurs racing after the train and assume them to be Sonic and Tails, though they never actually saw them before. Up in the engine, the Sonic Alert system goes off, so the bots lock up the throttle lever, that is before switching the train to the new track, so now they will be proceeding down the old track. Eh, what's the worst that could happen? Grounder and Scratch make their way to the caboose, which doubles as an oversized vacuum as it detatches from the train and and sucks up our heroes. Once bringing them inside, it wraps them up like mummies. The robots pat themselves on the back, cheering that they got Sonic, even broadcasting it over loudspeakers for some reason. This overdone display of self congratulations is heard by Mike and Gris, who race to the rescue. Now, if you think a few rolls of toilet paper will stop Sonic in his tracks, then think again. He predictably unwraps he and Tails, then bonds up the robots in their own trap and go to stop the train. That's when the bears come in, and did I mention their gimmick is calling themselves, in unison: Da Bears. Guess they're big fans of Bill Swerski's Superfans. They free Scratch and Grounder and, get this, mistake them for Sonic and Tails. The robots play along, and claim the good guys to be the bad guys, so it looks like Sonic has four nincompoops to deal with instead of two. Speaking of which, he and Tails discover the train to be carrying high explosives, and the robots locked up the throttle, so there was no hope of stopping the train. Sonic races ahead to see where the line headed, and thanks to the bots taking the old track, they were en route to an unfinished bridge, which was hanging over a town full of buffalo. Guess they don't live on the range anymore. Sonic tries to warn them about the impending rail disaster, and they all run for their lives. Deciding to reroute the train earlier, Sonic and Tails try to switch the track, only they aren't strong enough to move the lever, so the hedgehog sticks a pine tree between the tracks, saying the force from the train will push the tree into switching the tracks, thus sending the train off a cliff and into a river. Clever. The only variables are Scratch, Grounder, and their bear buddies. One of Sonic's disguises should bamboozle them, so he dresses like a conductor and says they have tickets for the wrong train, thus sending them on a conveniently passing eastbound train.

The... I mean, Da Bears' next attempt to stop the "bad guys" is blocking a tunnel with rocks, but with yet another disguise, Sonic makes them tear it down and instead suggests a barricade. Mike and Gris takes it to mean "bear-icade", and sit on the tracks with Scratch and Grounder to stop the train that way. Guys, this isn't Tiananmen Square and that is not a tank. They're predictably run over and ordinarily, this would have killed them. Luckily Grounder and Scratch are robots and Da Bears are all muscle, especially above their necks. They become stuck on the front of the train, which was heading for a cactus patch. Sacrificing their track switching plan, Sonic uses the tree as a cactus catcher to spare he bears' some sore bums. Mike and Gris thank them, but still consider them to be the bad guys, and not Sonic and Tails, despite the latter showing off his very obvious two tails, but they claim it to be a disguise. However, when Sonic races to and from da Bears' house and brings them a pot of honey, they finally catch on to who the real heroes are. With that all settled, now there's just the small matter of stopping a train full of explosives from leveling an entire town of buffalo. You may wonder what Dr. Robotnik plans to do with all these bombs. At his new warehouse, he's loading tons and tons of smaller bombs into one enormous missile, and once the bombs on the train arrive, he'll launch it and blow all of his enemies sky high. Talk about overkill. All the bombs he's making at his factory aren't enough? Anyway, while Tails keeps Scratch and Grounder busy on the train, Sonic and da Bears head to the incomplete bridge, which they would try to have finished before the Robotnik Express arrived. Time was of the essence! Without enough time to join the pieces of the bridge, they tilt one end up at a 90-degree angle, sending the train flying over the chasm and landing on the other side. The village is saved, hooray! As for Botsy and his bombs, looks like they would be arriving on schedule, except with one small problem: no way to stop the train! It crashes into the depot, the locomotive lands on the missile, which takes off, catching Robotnik, Scratch and Grounder on it and they fly up high into the sky, and then it explode. Guess they're dead. So the day is saved, Sonic and Tails bid adieu to their new allies and race off. Our Sonic Says is about stranger danger. Scratch and Grounder pull up to Tails in a car, wearing bad disguises, and try the old ruse of saying they're friends of Sonic and that he's hurt and are taking him to him. That's when Sonic shows up to expose their lie, making them take off. Never get in a car with someone you don't know, or in this case, someone you do know who wants to hurt you. That ruse is older than dirt and I hope to God it never actually worked. A very good lesson, as Tails almost got railroaded. Ha, I was waiting to fit that pun in there somehow.

So that was Robotnik Express, and it was a lot of fun. From beginning to end, it's high-speed action with plenty of humor, not overdone, played just right. Mike and Gris are pretty amusing characters, and we'll see them again in Mad Mike, Da Warrior Bear. They also had cameos in Hero of the Year. The animation is alright, characters stay on model for the most part, the action is well timed, the writing is funny, it's just a well made episode, and a favorite of mine since childhood. I got it on a video where it was paired with Tails' New Home. Ugh, skip that one, but I definitely recommend The Robotnik Express. If you like trains, you like high-speed action, you like bears, you like that Saturday Night Live Bill Swerski sketch, then this is definitely for you. Not much else I can say, except this is a train ride you'll definitely want to take.

The PJs: How the Super Stoled Christmas (1999) Season 1, Episode 14

Christmas in the Projects

[7/10 · 31 January 2024]

Ah, The PJs, the first claymation sitcom to air in primetime. I watched this show regularly in its first two seasons, but then gradually got tired of it. At its core, the show was hilarious, the characters, the political jokes, it all landed. I guess concepts like this aren't meant to last forever, and sooner or later, the humor dries up and it's time to move on. So, I wanted to look back on this Christmas episode of The PJs which, as you can tell from the title, spoofs How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Our tale will be told to us in flashback by Walter Burkett, the fat, corrupt parole officer who tonight is doubling as a police officer arresting a pickpocket. He notices the boy's sour attitude about Christmas, and so as part of his punishment, he has to listen to Walter tell him a story about another individual who wasn't bursting at the seams with Christmas cheer either, and that someone was the super of the Hilton-Jacobs, Thurgood Stubbs. His crazy quest began when Muriel less-than-subtly told him what she wanted for her gift: a computer. The best state of the art machine that 1999 technology had to offer, and if you remember those dark days of Y2K, you'd know this was probably the worst time to buy a computer. However, Thurgood was set on getting his little lady what her heart desired. He spots one at the pawn shop for a cool $500, which to someone like Thurgood is as much as a Park Avenue penthouse. That night... oh, get a load of these swaying, robotic carolers. Nice one, Will Vinton. Thankfully, Mrs. Avery called the cops on them to can that noise. Anyway, that night, Thurgood opened up the tip envelopes he'd passed out to all the tenants, hoping they would throw some cash his way, and they didn't. Well, maybe they would have if he didn't give them so many reasons to hate his guts. When that plan didn't work, Thurgood resorted to begging the pawn shop guy to let him have the computer on credit, but he was quickly turned away. However, the owner of the shop was willing to scratch Thurgood's back, provided he was willing to scratch his. Sure, why not trust the shady looking dude in a black fez? He says he needs a repo man. At first, Mr. Stubbs refuses, citing that the tenants would hate him. Don't they already? But when he sees that computer, he gives in. He manages to repossess most of the tenants' possessions, sneaking in and out like a greedy ninja, until it came to those who he considered friends: Mrs. Avery, Sanchez, Jimmy and Bebe, Garcelle, Calvin and Juicy. Now he gets an attack of conscience and refuses to finish the job, and so Mr. Shady orders him to bring back the computer. He was halfway out of his apartment when Muriel came in and noticed what he was carrying. She was elated. He couldn't take it back now.

While Thurgood prayed to a baked potato representing Baby Jesus in the building's Nativity Scene (don't ask), he spots his so-called friends taking up a collection amongst themselves. When Thurgood questions them, they fib that it's going to be spent at the tracks. Well, sir, he was madder than a wet hen who caught her gander in bed with another chicken. They were holding out on him. Well, no more Mr. Nice Super. Oh, and periodically we cut back to Walter who was telling this story to his suspect, who he has now trussed up and thrown in the trunk of his car. He forces him to wait until the end of the commercial break before resuming the story. While the rest of the tenants were putting on their Christmas pageant, Thurgood donned himself a Santy Claus hat and coat and went from room to room, pilfering peoples' goods while we hear a funny parody of You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch. He was caught stealing Nula's fish tank, so he thought up a lie, and quickly you bet: he says Phantom Menace is the best Star Wars yet. Ah yes, the good old days when that was the worst Star Wars movie... ugh, Disney. Anyway, it didn't take long before the residents of the Hilton-Jacobs discover they'd been repo'd. Thurgood throws those tip envelopes back in their faces, and that's when he gets a real huge helping of humility. Remember that collection they were taking up? They didn't spend it all at the tracks, they used it to buy Thurgood a brand new massage chair. Oh man did he feel like the biggest heel in the world. Muriel couldn't even enjoy her new computer knowing that their friends had nothing. And what happened then? Well, in the projects they say, Thurgood's small heart grew two sizes that day. He sold his new chair to Tarnell for $500, which he then used to pay off his friends' debts and get their stuff back. Everyone was very happy that Christmas morn... until Nula recognized Thurgood as the thief and ratted him out, then everyone gives him a good, sound beating. That concludes our story, and Walter just disappears and leaves the perp in his trunk.

So that was How the Super Stoled Christmas. Good voice acting, some funny jokes, an amusing Grinch parody, and decent claymation work from Will Vinton Studios. This was a nice little time capsule of the late '90s, showing what a more innocent time it used to be. Maybe you liked the PJs, maybe you didn't, but you have to admit it was revolutionary for its time. It ran about two years on Fox, before joining another network and was subsequently canceled in 2001, which was probably for the best as it really started to go down the drain by that point. As for this episode, the message is a very good one that doesn't get lost in too many jokes or gags, it's right there and good one to take to heart. Regardless of their differences, these people only had each other and they looked out for one another, through thick and thin, even if they do occasionally treat one another poorly. Not much else I can say except I recommend How the Super Stoled Christmas, and give The PJs a look while you're at it. Either see it for the first time, or go back and get a helping of '90s nostalgia.

All in the Family: The Draft Dodger (1976) Season 7, Episode 15

Caught in a Draft

[7/10 · 18 January 2024]

Christmas time was sadly never a happy time for the Bunkers nor the Stivics, as no matter how much they plan, bad luck just keeps showing up at the worst, possible times. Christmas '72: Archie didn't get his bonus over a simple mistake, and in '74, Edith was diagnosed with breast cancer, but thankfully it was benign. Now here we are Christmas 1976, and sadly, this will not be a happy holiday either. A certain someone is invited to sit down with the family for Christmas and when it's discovered just who this person is and what he's done, tempers flare up and a heated political debate is launched. The day started off nice enough, Edith was preparing the lovely Christmas supper while Archie was eagerly awaiting the arrival of his old pal, Pinky Peterson, who would be joining them. He even bought Pinky a little holiday token, which he attempts to demonstrate to Edith: a battery operated Santa head that blinks and, for reasons only known to the inventor, sticks its tongue out repeatedly. My dirty mind tells me that this thing doubles as a sex toy. Anyway, you're supposed to pull the tie and Santy does "something funny." Long story short it squirts water all over Archie, and they thought this gag was so funny, they did it three times! First Edith, then Mike, and then Pinky, and all three times, Archie gets doused with water instead of the intended target, and each time he recites the same spiel word-for-word as if echoing the salesman who suckered him into buying the stupid thing. Well, gags aside, the Bunkers' first guest is a young man named David, a friend of Mike's who has come visiting from Canada. Mike is both elated and surprised to see his old school chum and, for Edith's viewing pleasure, they reenact a skit in which they play a German doctor and patient. Guess nobody told them that vaudeville is dead, and it wasn't just motion pictures that killed it. The way Mike and Gloria act around David as well as his perceived nervousness gives him a real 'wanted man' vibe, like are they harboring a fugitive? In a way, kinda, he's a draft dodger, but we'll get into that later. Archie agrees to let David join them for dinner, and they keep trying to make his hometown secret, like they don't want to come right out and say Canada, lest it might make Archie immediately think draft dodger. Speaking of keeping things on the QT, it turns out that Pinky lost his son in the Vietnam War so everyone is instructed to avoid the subject or steer the conversation away from young Steve, should Pinky bring him up. A draft dodger and a bereaved father who lost his son in the war, dinner would get very awkward very fast if the cat was let out of the bag.

Before anyone had a chance to start eating dinner, Archie comes straight out and asks David why he was living in Canada, and instead of just lying and saying a logging job, he replies, "freedom." Instead of just letting it go, Archie just keeps pushing the issue, so the young man comes clean and admits to being a draft dodger. Subterfuge is clearly not a word in this man's vocabulary. When Archie gets the truth, he's furious, and even angrier when David admits to writing the president on his stance about the war, and when Mike tries to curtail the situation by saying David had guts to do what he did and says the war was wrong, Archie blows like a volcano, screaming that David was wrong for not doing his patriotic duty and rants and raves like a madman, indirectly admitting that the methods used by the selective service are wrong. At least that's what I got out of it. Pinky voices his opinion on the subject, which Archie values a great deal, until he hears that while Pinky understands his feelings, he also understands David's, saying that his own son hated the war, but went anyway and was tragically killed. He says he was glad to sit down to dinner with David as he was sure Steve would too. That should've taken care of things, but Archie wasn't so sure. He was reluctant to resume dinner, but Edith managed to sway him. If anything, it was to keep the Meathead from eating the drumstick. But this dark cloud may have a silver lining as when he hears carolers at the door, Archie goes out and asks them to keep it down lest he calls the cops on them. Ah, now there's the Archie Bunker we all know and love. I think he'll be just fine.

So that was "The Draft Dodger", a very well-acted and well-written episode of All in the Family. It doesn't take a heavy-handed approach to the issue or hit the audience over the head, it presents all sides and they're heard equally. It's one of the series' best received episodes and it has earned that spot. In fact, they tried to reenact it back in 2019 when they did "Live in Front of a Studio Audience." Remember, when live TV temporarily became a thing, because networks ran out of creative ideas and looked to cash in on existing IPs? They reenacted episodes of The Jeffersons and Good Times, with new actors playing the roles. Woody Harrelson had the honor of playing Archie Bunker in the Draft Dodger reenactment, and let me tell you, he didn't even come close to matching Carroll O'Connor's intensity in that blow up scene. I know comparing the two actors isn't fair as Woody had big shoes to fill, but in the original, you can hear the fury and rage in Archie's voice, like this really affects him personally. Woody is a decent actor, but this was a bit out of his league. No matter, it was just the networks trying for a quick buck because no one watches regular TV anymore. Why? Because it sucks, is unoriginal, and they're too damned scared to take any chances. Anyway, back to All in the Family. As for the things I like: the acting and the performances, the things I didn't like was the water squirting Santa gag, I thought that got old real quick, and finally, though she doesn't do much here, this is another episode to feature the character of Teresa. When the Meathead moved out, the show's writers felt Archie should have a new foil under his roof to butt heads with. And who did they get? The sassy receptionist from when Archie went to the hospital for a transfusion. Let me state right now that as far as Teresa goes, I hate her. I hated that character from the moment she first appeared on screen. She's not funny, she's not quirky, she's annoying, she's poorly written and, while I mean no personal offense to Liz Torres, she's poorly acted. Thank heavens she disappeared in Season 7 without a trace. Maybe she was finally deported. So, in closing, I definitely recommend "The Draft Dodger." It's a fantastic episode to watch around Christmas, or any time of the year. Maybe you hate war, maybe you love it, maybe you know someone who was affected by it, either way, you'll love this story. One more thing: it was around the time of its airing that President Jimmy Carter pardoned all the draft dodgers. Guess David won't have to live in Canada anymore, and I'm sure Archie screamed even louder when he heard that. Anyways, Merry Christmas, all!

Arthur: D.W. Tale Spins/Prunella Gets It Twice (1999) Season 4, Episode 6

Double Trouble

[7/10 · 19 December 2023]

When I was a wee lad long ago, Arthur was a program I would watch off and on. My generation grew up with Sesame Street and Mister Rogers, along with Reading Rainbow, Lambchop, and Shining Time Station, and I was somewhat familiar with the Arthur books before this series premiered. It was a very good show that addressed many realistic problems and dealt with them in pragmatic ways... except for what to do when your child is a brat, as Mr. And Mrs. Read always seemed to reward D. W.'s tantrums while making Arthur suffer for it. But I'm here to talk about one episode that stood out to me, it's not a bad one, but one I just felt like talking about. That's "Prunella Gets it Twice", I'm not going to cover "D. W. Tale Spins", but I will say that it's not a crossover with Disney's Tale Spin. I'm sure D. W. would've made Baloo and Kit fly their plane toward a mountain and bail out with her still onboard. It's about D. W. being told the story of Homer's Odyssey and then she retells it to Arthur and Buster in her own way. The kinda thing The Simpsons did once. It's not bad, and it's an educational experience, so there's the short review of that one. But as for "Prunella Gets it Twice" (and you'll wish she really did get it twice, if you know what I mean), it addresses a grave misunderstanding between friends and how things are not always what they seem. There's a story behind every action and every foul mood, and if we knew what that was, it might make us more understanding. Like, have you ever received two of the same gift at a birthday or Christmas? That's what happens with Miss Prunella and it sets out a big misunderstanding between she and Francine, but let's begin from the beginning, shall we? Today was Prunella's birthday, and in attendance were all her friends from school, ready for a swinging party in her backyard. Prior to the party, she received a gift from her mother: a Polly Locket doll, something she'd always wanted. But what was the first gift she received at her party? Why, it was a second Polly Locket, which made the birthday girl feel annoyed that she got two of the same thing. This is why gift cards were invented. The rest of the party went swell for everyone, except Francine for some reason, who seemed sad and forlorn. Not participating in any games or singing a very awkward birthday song. That night, little miss Scrooge went to sleep and had herself a dream where she was visited by the Ghost of Presents Past, who looked remarkably like Polly Locket herself, and with her is The Ghost of Lunch Tomorrow, who resembles Binky. Anyway, Presents Past is here to educate Prunella on the gifts she got "yesterday", well, technically, it should be earlier that day as according to her bedside clock, it's only 9:00 so it's still today and not yesterday... never mind. Anyway, Prunella dismisses the offer, as there's more of gravy than grave with her, but she has no choice. She's forcibly spun backwards in time to a week ago when Francine got an A on her test, which Prunella helped her study for. As a way of paying her back, Francine decides to get her one of those Polly Locket dolls she caught her eyeing at the toy store. They're really something: you can dress her in different clothes and even store keepsakes behind her face. Unfortunately, they're supes expensive, but she's going to find a way. Francine is very responsible and she will earn that money... by asking her spoiled brat friend Muffy for a loan. This scene never sat well with me and I'll explain why after I've gone through it. A reluctant Muffy starts to open her big teddy bear savings bank. Just how expensive is this blasted toy anyway? I'm guessing it's either $10 or $15, the kind of money third graders in 1999 didn't normally have. Anyway, Muffy starts talking like a bank loan officer, talking about compounded daily interest. Regardless of Francine steadfastly agreeing to the terms, Muffy still refused to part with once cent of her money. Like I said, spoiled brat. Now here's why this scene bugs me: what kind of lesson is this teaching? That friends shouldn't lend friends money? Is Francine irresponsible with money or something? It's very poorly written. What SHOULD have happened is Muffy pointing out past times she'd lent Francine money and she never paid it back, this would show that she is irresponsible when it comes to money given freely to her and make her want to become more disciplined. Or better yet, just have Muffy be out of town so she can't be asked! I always hated that Muffy character, and this scene sums it all up. There, that's why I don't like it: a poorly written gag scene that makes Muffy look like a greedy jerk and a horrible friend.

Well, if she can't beg for money, Francine will do what very few young people are willing to do today: work for it. But since YouTube and Tiktok didn't exist yet, she had to do REAL work. Doing extra chores, washing windows, mowing lawns, cleaning closets, and even washing her father's car: a garbage truck... including the back. Oh man! Can you imagine having to clean out the back of a garbage truck? Can you even begin to imagine the kinds of things that would be in there? Rotting fruit, ancient pieces of food, loaded diapers, used tampons, snotty rags and kleenexes, makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. I hope Francine wore a bodysuit when cleaning out that thing. At least she got paid double, but was dismayed to watch her father dump garbage into the newly cleaned back of his truck. But luckily, all of Francine's hard work literally paid off and she could finally buy that silly doll. Oh, but for a few dollars more, they would personalize it for you. Always a catch, isn't there? Coming up a little short for the personalization, Francine did something really desperate: beg her sister for the money, which she got in exchange for cleaning her half of their bedroom for a month. Man, all that hard work and personal sacrifice. Francine is a real hero. And now we come to the day of Prunella's birthday party, where she gets to watch herself open the Polly Locket doll Francine bought with her hard-earned money, only for it to be tossed aside as Prunella already had one. The look on Francine's face is heartbreaking and the birthday girl gets a real taste of humility. She wakes up in bed, having learned a very good lesson, then went to apologize to her friend, keeping the doll she'd given her and gifting Francine the doll she got first. As a peace offering, Prunella had put Francine's picture behind her doll's face, and when asked if she would reciprocate and put Prunella's picture in hers, Francine says she'll put one of her cat. Good one. So, it all worked out and a valuable lesson was learned: if you receive two of the same gift, it was just a misunderstanding, and don't shortchange someone's poor mood because there it usually means they had to clean out filthy garbage trucks and sell their souls to their sisters to buy your ungrateful self a present.

This episode was very well done, and a good lesson for people young and old to take to heart. If it weren't for that greedy Muffy scene, it would've been flawless. On the other hand, maybe it's supposed to resemble how people who need money try to get a loan, but are turned down for stupid reasons, so they have to resort to slaving away for pennies to try and save on their own. No, I didn't find anything satirical about that scene, but the takeaways come from Francine's hard work and sacrifice and it shows a very good side of her. Ordinarily her character is bossy and a bit of a braggart, especially around Arthur, but this shows she's willing to do whatever it takes to make someone happy. Not much else I can say except I recommend "D. W. Tale Spins/Prunella Gets it Twice," as they are both good lessons in why you shouldn't judge others based solely on their outward appearance, whether it be age or mood, because what's hiding underneath might surprise you. Yes, we shouldn't judge others... except Muffy, because she's terrible. Everyone wants to say D. W. is the worst Arthur character, but she has her redeeming qualities. Spoiled Muffy doesn't. But check out this episode, it's a good watch.

Sonic the Hedgehog: Fed Up with Antoine/Ghost Busted (1994) Season 2, Episode 6

Who You Gonna Call? Antoine Busters!

[6/10 · 31 October 2023]

So, here's another episode of Sonic the Hedgehog that contains two short stories instead of a full, twenty minute one. The last one I looked at was a double-dose of Antoine and... I'm sorry to say this one is too. In fact, Antoine is far more annoying here than he was last time. I really think he was the producers' favorite character, because I can see no other reason why they focus so much attention on him and why he had so many stories revolving around him. He's not funny, he's obnoxious, he's fodder for entertaining small children. Thank goodness Rob Paulsen is fun to listen to, and you can tell he's having a lot of fun playing this character. In fact, I think Paulsen once said Antoine was his favorite character to play. Personally, my favorite Paulsen character is Raphael, but anyway, let's take a look at Fed Up with Antoine (most appropriate, meta title ever) and Ghost Busted, in light of today being Halloween. We open on a dark, desolate street in Robotropolis where Antoine was supposed to meet up with Sonic after collecting a message from Uncle Chuck. Bet you can already guess he fouled that up and didn't get the message. Sonic saves his worthless hide from a Swat Bot and is understandably angry when he learns Monsieur L'idiot didn't get their important inside information. Naturally, Antoine acts arrogant and stuck-up about it, so Sonic threatens to leave him there. Oh no, please, Sonic, Robotropolis has suffered enough. Oh of course, he takes the cowardly Frenchman back to Knothole, and I can only assume the message from Uncle Chuck wasn't important as the matter is never addressed again. Next day, Antoine watches as Bunny teaches Tails martial arts and asks her to teach him "marshmallow arts." Oh God. As you can expect, he's also clumsy, accidentally kicking a dummy of Dr. Robotnik into Sonic's hut and right onto the hedgehog himself. He next somehow causes himself to crash into Sonic, who rightfully kicks him away. You know, this type of scenario where everyone is angry at someone and he leaves as we're meant to feel sorry for him doesn't work here. Antoine is entirely in the wrong and we don't feel sorry for him. When Sonic and Bunny call him clumsy and say he's a nuisance, he IS. They're right! So, he goes off alone in the woods practice what he calls "king fu," or as I call it, "kung fool." Instantly, he crosses paths with a tough gang of hyena bikers, who are about to give him whatfor, until he again uses the words "king fu" and that instantly makes them think he's a king. Wow, what a gang of easily led bikers. They take his royal pain-in-the-highness back to their hideout, where he sits on a throne, wears a tin can for a crown and makes frivolous requests of his "pheasants". Eventually, Sonic and the others get worried about Antoine and go look for him, and when the hedgehog sees that he's been named king, he finds it hilarious, as do we. Despite Sally and Bunny trying to persuade him, Antoine announces that he is resigning from the freedom fighters, and at Sonic's insistence, they leave him there, unable to cite any use he was to their movement. I agree, leave him behind. However, Sally decides to do a little digging into this hyena gang, and she discovers that they're a group of cannibals who eat their king! In other words, those laughing jackals have a hankering for French food. The next day, Antoine finds himself in a boiling pot, oblivious to what was about to happen, and I like how his friends wait until evening to rescue him. But then, why would it take that long to cook him? I've heard of slow cooking, but this is ridiculous. Anyway, Sonic goes back to save Antoine who, in a rare bout of usefulness, saves Sonic when he's nearly attacked. Of course, Antoine took full credit for his rescue and demonstrates his "heroic" moves to those back at Knothole, with someone lamenting, "we should've let them eat him." Yes you should have, but I guess you spared those hyenas a really serious case of indigestion. This one was very annoying, as it's the type of story where you're meant to feel sorry for the protagonist and think his friends were too hard on him, but it doesn't work with Antoine. We don't feel sorry for him, his friends are absolutely right, and he's such a one-note character. Maybe the next story will be better?

Sonic and Tails are camping in the woods, with the hedgehog teaching his little buddy the art of tracking prey. Their intended target was Antoine, who reeks of fine perfume, however scent wasn't needed to track him but rather ears, as the clumsy fool was falling down a cliff and screaming for help. They find him in a mud puddle, claiming to have seen a ghost. Sonic and Tails laugh it off and later that night, around the campfire, the hedgehog tells his little pal a story about a gopher highwayman who stole a gold medallion from a sorcerer and lost his head, and he still haunts these woods. This story terrifies Antoine was just... sitting there sucking his thumb for some reason. Man, he's pathetic. Before hitting the hay, Sonic tells Tails another ghost story, this one is about an evil spirit who decided to become a duck...as you do. Anyway, Tails has trouble sleeping that night, as he looked up at the moon, which now had the face of a duck. 'I am terror that flaps in the night, I am the moon giving you a cheesy grin.' He next sees the headless gopher ghost, which has a pair of evil, disembodied eyes, riding an angry bull and carrying a gold medallion. But the worst thing of all was a large, misshapen yellow creature that had a strobe light effect, marching like a zombie through the woods. He wakes up Sonic and they discover Antoine is missing. Now if you're like me, you put two and two together quickly and deduced who that ghost is, but we'll play along for now. Sonic goes to investigate, leaving Tails to fend for himself, as he wanders the spooky woods and into a cave, infested with bats. He runs, flies and stumbles around the woods, tormented with visions of headless gophers and duck-faced moons, and fearing that the yellow glowing ghost has possessed Sonic's mind. Man, this kid has a really overactive imagination. Eventually, he gets cornered by the glowing ghost, who Sonics points out as being Antoine (called it!) who accidentally stumbled into a patch of fox fire plants. How convenient. Next day, they pack up and leave, with Sonic reiterating that ghosts aren't real... that is until Tails finds the golden medallion under his sleeping bag, and they hear a horrific cackling! They scream in fright and haul ass right out of there. So I guess the moral of our stories are: self-awareness can be a strength so have a hefty supply, and watch where you sleepwalk because you can become a strobe lighted ghost and scare little kids with active imaginations to death... and then find out ghosts are real? Why would I expect anything less?

These episodes are not great, but they're not terrible. Well, "Ghost Busted" was kinda fun, but boy was "Fed Up With Antoine" a chore. I've already stated how useless and pointless this character is, so there's no point in going over it again. He's clearly there for comic relief, except he's not funny. They didn't try to build or give any depth to his character, he's like this throughout the entire series. Maybe little kids find him funny, but the adults, especially the French, find him downright incorrigible. Not much plot to these stories, and I'm not sure why they did two minisodes instead of just one big one. They could have built on and expanded these stories into half hour segments, like say, in "Fed Up With Antoine", perhaps the cowardly Frenchman could finally learn a lesson, and maybe it would be up to him to save his friends when, like, maybe all of Knothole gets captured. He could end up saving the day and learn some humility. I mean, it would be gone by the next episode, but at least we would finally get a reason to care about this guy and see him learn from his mistakes. Instead, we get him acting like a highfalutin creep with a complete lack of self-awareness, and although he does save Sonic, he takes all the credit and claims he's a master of king-fu. This is why nobody likes you, Antoine! And as for "Ghost Busted", make it the whole show, like have Robotnik invent some kind of soundwave generator to make them think the forest is haunted, or use some kind of... holographic projector to make ghosts, or something of that nature, or make it a real ghost who possesses the forest, but Sonic convinces him not to be evil, and he scares the pants off Robotnik. I know, I'm just reaching here. "Ghost Busted" was fine the way it was, but Len Janson could've done a much better job with the Antoine one. But gripes aside, the animation and voicework were really good, and it's still a fun show. If you like these shorts and want to see Tails get in on the action, then check out "Ghost Busted", but by all means, skip "Fed Up With Antoine." What are my personal feelings about him? To quote John Hammond: "I really hate that man."

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Road Hog (1993) Season 1, Episode 57

Scent of a Hedgehog

[6/10 · 25 October 2023]

Being the number one hero of Mobius, protecting them week after week from the diabolical schemes of Dr. Robotnik, you just know that Sonic the Hedgehog is on the right side of the law. But what would happen if he were ever on the wrong side? Like, through no will of his own, or anyone else for that matter, the hedgehog became an outlaw? It just might happen, through the miracle of mind-altering pollen, he and an assortment of other individuals would lose their free will and do whatever they were told. I dunno, advertisers and governments seem to do that without the use of pollen, and on Mobius, the citizens are all just dumb sheep anyway, but the use of mind-altering plant vapor is an added bonus. It all started one day when Sonic and Tails were pulled over for speeding, though they were not in a car, and are issued a citation. Tails suggests outrunning the cop, but like the goody two-shoes that he is, Sonic abides by the legal system and takes this matter before the judge. In this case, the judge doesn't care who Sonic is and sentences he and Tails to 30 days on the chain gang when the hedgehog was unable to pay his fine. Now this is a very harsh chain gang, as the mere act of talking gives one an additional 10-day sentence. The big-nosed guard tells Sonic to work faster, which he does by way of binding up the whole chain gang and receiving yet another ten days. During their labor, Sonic and Tails meet a friendly skunk named Colonel Stench, who reveals that he's a scientist who breeds flowers in an attempt to make a perfume that covers up his scent, which so far has proven unsuccessful. He goes on to state that some "fellars from out of town" came along and stole his flowers, then managed to put him on a chain gang, because these flowers contain a pollen that does "funny things" to one's mind. The colonel demonstrates it on Tails, by making him think he's a chicken, and it works. But one drop of the antidote returns him to normal. Yeah, I think we can all guess who those "out of towners" were whole stole Stench's operation, but why would Robotnik have him placed on a chain gang? Why not imprison him in his fortress or kill him or something, or even hypnotize him with his own concoction and make him a slave? Eh, Botsy has his own ideas of what he wants to do with his ill-gotten gains, such as spraying it all over Mobius to brainwash its citizens into making him their supreme dictator. The stuff really works, because Scratch and Grounder accidentally spray their boss and make him think he's a seal and an elephant, but when they accidentally hold the antidote too close, he's back to normal and sends those two lunkheads through a shredder. Back in the flower field, Sonic and Tails deduce that the guards were put under the effects of the pollen. So, er, why didn't a genius like Stench figure that out sooner? He had the antidote on him, he could've just turned them back to normal at any point. Because it's Sonic's show and not his, and only he gets to come to the conclusions the rest of us came to five minutes ago. After managing to subdue the guards, they douse them with antidote and the effects wear off, and they identify Dr. Robotnik as the one who did them dirty. Okay, so, did Robotnik also spray the traffic cop and judge? It would make sense if he did, but they don't say. Guess they were both new to the job and were not familiar with Sonic. No matter, the hedgehog sends Tails and Stench off to whip up some more antidote, while he goes to confront Botsy at the processing plant. However, it seems this time the doctor has the drop on Sonic. Literally. He dumps a load of pollen on him and tells him he's an "ordinary slow-mo", and it works! He then tells Sonic to get lost, which he does. What a Bond villain, Robotnik has Sonic right where he wants him. He could just tell him to jump off a cliff or go lock himself in one of his dungeon cells, then he wouldn't need the pollen, he could just take over Mobius right then and there. Good thing this version of Robotnik isn't very bright.

With Botsy in his blimp, spraying the pollen, Scratch and Grounder follow behind in a truck, the former shouting over loudspeakers: "you love Dr. Robotnik, the supreme dictator of Mobius!" and if you thought Scratch's voice was grating at a normal level, being amplified is enough to blow out your ear drums. The two boob bots even see Sonic on the road, who keeps uttering he's an ordinary slow-mo. They attempt to run him over, but even when Sonic is in a trance and isn't speedy they still fail to eliminate him. Man, these two really suck. Fortunately, Tails rescues Sonic, who doesn't recognize his friend. He walks to the nearest burger stand, being operated by Burt from Untouchable Sonic, or maybe this is Burt's brother, Bert. Sonic order a hamburger, which Tails thinks is very uncharacteristic, but before he can enjoy it, a gang of fat hog bikers ride up and cause trouble. The lead biker pours orange juice on Sonic, which somehow temporarily relieves him of his amnesia, and he gives them a workout. When the bikers use a threat that contains the words "up, over and gone," Sonic seems fully cured as he really mops the floor with them and shows off his bike riding skills. So, wait, is orange juice the antidote? What just happened here? Anyway, the hogs are so impressed by Sonic's showboating that they name him their new leader, which Sonic believes, showing he's not fully cured after all. Um, hello? Jeffrey Scott? Wanna give us a clue about what's going on here? Okay, so the hedgehog now believes he's a biker hog. He and the gang play chicken with a police car, which Sonic saws in half. Oh dear, that 250 Mobium fine is getting higher by the minute. Speaking of high, the citizens of Mobius are effectively brainwashed by the pollen, and Scratch's screeching make them loyal to Robotnik. This is not looking good. Eventually, Sonic and the biker hogs are dusted, but before they can be swayed by a shrill robot chicken, Tails plugs their ears, then screams at Sonic about who he is, which actually, really, and honestly restores his memory. As for the bikers, Sonic makes them into "good hogs" who will help him stop Robotnik. First, they subdue Scratch and Grounder by way of extending pole chainsaw on their bikes and shredding their truck's tires, sending them over a cliff. As for Sonic, he goes up to Robotnik's blimp, making the portly villain chase him around with a pollen sprayer, showing that when these two aren't ripping off Roadrunner and Coyote, they're also Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam knock-offs. Long story short, Sonic drops a pin, which Robotnik catches, only it slips out of his hands and pops the blimp, sending it flying out of control. He lands in a lake, thinking he's safe, except that he disturbed a hungry gator, which gives chase. Our Sonic Says is about how the policeman is our friend. Yeah, I don't entirely agree with that statement, but there is some truth in it, under some circumstances. I guess. But the cops weren't treated as so friendly in this episode, as one gives Sonic a ticket, and another one is almost cut in half by Sonic the biker. So, yeah.

That was "Road Hog", not a bad episode. It is a big strange, but that's to be expected for this show. There's a ton of plotholes, and hearing Scratch over a loudspeaker is cringe inducing. But the animation is more decent than usual, even if some of the side characters look a bit weird, as if doodled out in ten seconds. Not much else I can say about it, as again, it's not a bad episode, it's actually pretty okay. If you're in a Sonic mood, I'd recommend Road Hog. It shows yet again that the legal system does not work in the hedgehog's favor, as we saw in "Momma Robotnik Returns", in which she legally adopts Sonic. Though that time, they weren't using mind-altering pollen, the judge and social workers were naturally stupid. Despite all of Sonic's talk about the law and the cops being a good thing, I've rarely seen them do anything to help him.

King of the Hill: Hilloween (1997) Season 2, Episode 4

Pumpkins and Pumpkin Accessories

[9/10 · 25 October 2023]

Halloween, the one time of year when you could actually find Hank Hill in a good mood and having fun, except of course for the annual Strickland Propane company picnics, but Halloween was definitely his favorite time of the year, and since Bobby was fast approaching his teenage years, he feared this may be the last real, old fashioned Halloween he could have with his boy. Unfortunately for Hank, this was the year when Halloween almost wasn't, because some high-horse riding hag tried to take it away. It all began one evening, three days before Halloween, Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer were preparing a haunted house set up for the school and remembering when they went trick-or-treating as kids, getting some big-ass candy bars and vandalizing their own mailboxes. Good times. However, it seems modern day Halloween has lost its edge, as Hank notices at the Mega-Lo-Mart. Instead of vampire, monster and ghost costumes, all he sees are Elmo, Aladdin, and Jenny McCarthy. Candy's gone soft too as he notices Peggy buying sugar-free, low-fat funbars, which he declares are for diabetics and not trick-or-treaters. Yeah, it seems some organizations have started an unofficial war on Halloween in middle America, and one such individual who seems to be leading the charge is Miss Junie Harper, a firebrand spinster who modern-day audiences would refer to as a Karen. Luanne was in attendance at her local church when Miss Harper came to spout her rhetoric on how Halloween is the devil's holiday, even going so far as to say the Druids celebrated by eating babies and dancing by the light of their Jack-o-Lanterns. What kind of a dummy would fall for this load of nonsense? I would say Luanne, as she was invested in what Harper was saying, but she isn't dumb. Know why? Miss Harper said she was smart, and that's enough to convince her. She tells Hank and Peggy that Halloween was invented by the "Druish" (insert "funny, she doesn't look Druish" from Spaceballs here). However, Hank tells her she's full of it and dismisses her claims, saying Halloween has nothing to do with the Devil... aside from Hank's Devil costume he passed down to Bobby, but he's right, Halloween is just a day for having fun. But since she's convinced she's a genius, Luanne returns to Miss Harper, who decides to take her crusade a step further when she lets it slip about Hank's haunted house for the school. So she goes down there next day, looking over Hank's work and threatens legal action, citing a separation between church and state. Hank stood firm, saying he's not changing anything, but as we all know, Principal Moss is a spineless, gutless, wimpy pushover who sides with Harper, fearing a lawsuit. As a result, Hank and the guys gathered up all their props and headed home. All may not be lost, as Peggy makes a helpful suggestion for once: have the haunted house in the garage.

To get in the proper Halloween spirit, Hank took Bobby out that night for some good, old fashioned pranking, which involves eggs and toilet paper. Their intended target was Dale's house, but then they see Junie Harper at her place, and Hank remembers an old Bible quote: "do unto others." So they chuck their wares at her house, until a foul hits and destroys her birdhouse. The Hills take off as Junie jumps in her car to give chase, running over her cat in the process. They try to jump a fence, but because Bobby is slow and fat, he's immediately recognized. They ditch the evidence by throwing it in Dale's yard, scaring him half to death. Well, Hank may have thought this escapade was fun, but Bobby is starting to have doubts. Maybe what Luanne and Harper was saying was starting to make sense to him, which isn't a good sign, as he'll be very gullible to whatever they say to him next. As for the aforementioned witch of Arlen, she brings her dead cat to show the city council, claiming the Devil did it. As a result, they passed a curfew, effectively banning Halloween in Arlen. It was very quiet the night of the 31st, with nobody visiting "Hank's Hell's Haunted House." Huh, so that would make him King of the Hell? Not sure if that's a good thing for not. As for Junie Harper, she set up a Hallelujah House at her place, inviting as many gullible fools as she can. Bible-thumpers like her who go "hell this, hell that" all the time really give religion a bad name. She already ensnared Luanne with her rhetoric, and now it looks like she's about to get her sanctimonious claws on Bobby, who is now convinced his father is a Satanist and asked Luanne to take him to her. Oh, when Peggy found out, she was really angry that Luanne tried to think she knew best for Bobby. She's rightfully put in per place by her aunt, who says she and Hank know best, as they get a magazine about it. When Hank heard what happened, he came very close to spitting out beer. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. They took his haunted house, they took his holiday, but they will not take his boy! So after squeezing himself into his old devil costume, Hank marches down the street, chanting "trick or treat." Eventually, he's joined by Boomhauer the mime, Bill the ghost/toga, and Dale the Washington lobbyist, even Luanne had a change of heart and joins them as a lady devil. The protest worked, as soon they were joined by the rest of their neighbors in homemade costumes. They march over to Junie Harper's, just as Bobby was signing his life away. Hank pours his heart out to his son, literally, a fake rubber heart. He tells Bobby that Halloween is no fun without him, then the boy makes the right choice and chooses his old man, despite Harper's threats of going to Hell. The rest of Hallelujah House decide to forego Junie Harper's BS and joins the Hills and the rest of Rainey Street trick-or-treating, with her yelling, "fine, more room in Heaven for me." Yeah, we'll see about that, as apparently she overlooked a few things: Honor thy father and thy mother, which is what Bobby ultimately chose, and also it would stun her to realize that Halloween is the Eve of All Saints. It's no more of a Pagan holiday than Christmas, so get off your high-horse, you silly, silly woman.

So ends Hilloween, one of King of the Hill's best episodes, and one of my personal favorites. This was a great series that I wish I had given a better chance to when it was on. I used to watch it religiously, then I stopped around the time it got canceled. Looking back now, I think it's one of the best shows Fox ever aired, if not one of the best animated sitcoms of all time. I'm very glad to hear that a revival is in the works and will hopefully be out next year. As for "Hilloween", the writing, animation, and voicework are all great. That's Sally Field doing the voice of Junie Harper, who we thankfully never see again. I guess she decided to move out of Arlen and more than likely settled in Utah. Sorry to say but Junie Harpers exist everywhere, especially in the south, including Texas. There's a methodist church on almost every street, and Bible-thumpers like Junie reside within. Now adays, people like Junie spearheaded cancel culture and try to block out anyone whom they disagree with. But enough about her, this Halloween, let's journey back to Arlen, Texas and see how our old friends are celebrating the holiday. They're still there, just as you remember them. This one's really got it where it counts, I tell you what. And finally, I wish to dedicate this review to Johnny Hardwick, thanks for giving Dale a voice and helping to shape King of the Hill into what it became. Have a good rest, Mr. Shackelford.

A Quiet Fourth (1941)

Red, Black, and Blue

[5/10 · 4 July 2023]

July 4 was deemed Independence Day when the United States of America fought for and obtained their independence, and each year we observe this holiday in honor of our becoming a nation of freedom. Of course, modern day Fourth of July is only known for two things: fireworks and eating, and Edgar Kennedy is going to experience the former in abundance when he gets stuck taking a bunch of children on a picnic. Yes, I include his wife and brother in-law in that category. It all started on the afternoon of July 4 where a neighbor's two rotten kids kept setting off firecrackers, and when one hits their father squarely in the bum, he begins whacking their bums in return. Edgar sees the display while packing his car to go on a picnic (at least this time he doesn't have gout, but will still experience his fair share of pain nonetheless) and goes to remind his neighbor that the Fourth of July comes but once a year and that it's a kids' day. He goes on to state that he wishes he had a couple of kids. Oh, Edgar, be careful what you wish for, because then Charlie sticks him with his two boys for the day. Despite his protests that he was going out in the country on a picnic, he still finds himself the babysitter of the two hellions, who were at that moment sticking a lit firecracker in Edgar's mailbox. When he discovers this, he runs off, just before it detonates... and wouldn't you know it, the police happen to be driving by at that exact moment. Never fails. I don't think Al Capone had as much trouble with cops as Edgar Kennedy has. He gets his ticket for setting off firecrackers in a mailbox without a license, just as Brother and Flore... er, I mean, Sally come out of the house with the picnic basket. They all get in Edgar's car and get on their way. En route, there's a funny gag where Brother sets off some of the fireworks and uses vocal sound effects like an early version of Michael Winslow from Police Academy to make Edgar think he blew a tire. Yeah, this is going to be a very, very long day.

Meanwhile, the military was planning to test some of their heavy artillery at a private lot dubbed Pleasant Oaks. Guess they have their own ways of celebrating, but then, this was a few months shy of World War II, so I guess it was good to be prepared just in case. Oh, and Pleasant Oaks just happens to be the place Edgar and co choose to have their picnic. Despite the sign out front clearly saying "private property", Brother tells him to go in anyway. This reminds me of a scene from W. C. Fields' "It's a Gift" where they drive into a rich man's yard, thinking it's a park, and make a mess of the place. Wanna bet the Kennedy gang will do the same? But at least Fields' family wasn't bombarded with artillery, though I doubt he would've minded if they took out his awful wife and kids, but anyway, no sooner do they drive in the gate do a couple of soldiers ride up on motorbike and close and lock it. Funny, if they were going to test a bunch of explosives in a wide open space, you'd think they would've made sure the gate was locked much sooner. But then I guess they figured nobody would be coming out that way and if they were, they wouldn't be so thoughtless as to trespass onto private property. However, we wouldn't have a movie if anybody had a brain and we're already extremely thin on plot as it is. So once the gang is set up for their picnic, Sally realizes she forgot the milk. Luckily, Brother spotted a cow pasture not too far away and goads Edgar into showing off his supposed farming skills and go milk it. He does so and... well, unfortunately the copy I watched has a few minutes removed, so we go from Edgar finally taking the lid off the bucket to him chasing Brother back to Sally. Since neither man is covered in milk, I can only assume Brother kept pushing Edgar until he finally lost patience and chased him away. Back at the picnic, Edgar unloads the dishes from the car, as these were the days before paper plates, and brags how he used to bus tables in restaurants, stacking 150 dishes in one hand, and when Brother suggests he used the other hand to pick up the pieces, it tempts fate and makes Edgar drop the dishes he was holding. In the next act of Punish Edgar, one of the firecracker brothers lights one under a stone pot, and it goes flying through the air and lands directly on Edgar's head. Wow, impressive aim. It gets stuck on his giant cranium, and one of the boys' solution in removing it is sticking a 'cracker in the top. Man, these kids are going to grow up to be pyromaniacs, I can see it now. Just have Edgar bash his head against a tree, that should work. Even that giggling idiot Brother could do that, instead of standing around and being a smart-ass. I'd like Edgar to tie Brother to a tree, take one of the boys' lit firecrackers and stick it where the sun don't shine. So, does the mini explosive remove the pot? Yes, and when he charges at a laughing Brother, he topples the picnic table. Those kids and their lousy firecrackers, even though Edgar told them earlier not to set any more off, but Sally tells him in light of the holiday, they can shoot off all they want. Sally... shut up. Anyway, speaking of setting things off, the military begins Operation: Demolish Pleasant Oaks and opens fire. After a few mortar blasts go off around him, Edgar has a look at the paper and realizes what was going on. Gee, it's too bad he didn't read that paper earlier in the day. No matter, they're under attack! They run for the car, but a bomb destroys it, leaving the three of them lying dazed and bemused in the rubble, and just to rub it in, the radio reports that this was safest and sanest Fourth in years.

So that was A Quiet Fourth, though it was anything but. It's very light on plot, even by Edgar Kennedy shorts standards. It's the usual: he's trying to do something nice and relaxing, and his awful family spoil it. Add two rotten kids to the mix, and you've got a recipe for disaster. One of those boys was in Mutiny in the County, another short were pint-sized punks made Edgar's life a living hell. And was one of those boys named Darwin? Ironic, as I'm sure he's going to be a Darwin Award winner when he grows up. This is another short where Sally Payne filled in for Florence Lake and was apparently encouraged to mimic Lake and her mannerisms as much as possible. I don't know why they did that. If Edgar has a different wife, have her act a differentway. They never pushed Vivien Oakland to imitate Florence Lake, so why did Sally Payne, Irene Ryan, and Pauline Drake? That's Charlie Hall playing Edgar's suffering neighbor, and as you may know, he was quite the foil for Kennedy as well as Laurel and Hardy. Yeah, it seems Edgar can never go on a picnic without some sort of disaster happening. This Fourth of July, as you're grilling food and setting off fireworks... but do it responsibly, not like the punks in this short... why not look back on this classic from 1941? I recommend A Quiet Fourth, as quiet as possible.

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog: Tails in Charge (1993) Season 1, Episode 24

Stoned Soul Picnic

[6/10 · 22 June 2023]

Here's an episode that poses a very interesting question: what if Dr. Robotnik succeeded in incapacitating Sonic, and Tails had no one else to help him, how would he fend off the baddies on his own? That's right, we finally get to see Tails take center stage, and from what I saw, he did a pretty good job. So has Robotnik succeeded in finally stopping his spiny blue adversary? He does, if only for a little while. It all began when he finished his latest invention: the Super Supreme Stopper-Zapper, a sphere shaped gizmo that when fired at someone, it will turn them to stone. He then orders Scratch and Grounder to go find Sonic and make him get stoned. All they need is to lure him into a trap, then zap him good. They turn to plan #2112 of the Wile E. Coyote handbook to set up the ultimate ambush: stick up a sign advertising chili dogs, then pulzarize him with a boulder from a giant slingshot, then get him with the stopper-zapper. Well, the plan almost worked, except for some reason, a weird beatnik bird lands on the boulder and starts disco dancing. For real? Grounder is distracted by this poorman's Woodstock, and goes rolling with the stone. They try shooting at Sonic and Tails anyway, but they manage to escape. Robotnik then calls up to chide the idiot robots for screwing up again. Seriously, why can't he take a hint that these two are going to bungle any plan he comes up with? Speaking of plans, now it's Scratch's turn to try and trap a hedgehog, while still using chili dogs as bait. Hey, why don't these guys ever think of putting sleeping pills or something to drug Sonic in the chili dogs, that way he goes down, they catch him, they win. Same reason Wile E never spiked the bird seed he gave the Roadrunner. Yes, I know I keep bringing them up, but this show blatantly copies their formula! Anyway, the bots set up a chili dog stand, with Grounder as the server and Scratch standing just out of sight, ready with the stopper-zapper. As a lure, they advertise free chili dogs. Naturally, Sonic sees right through this obvious ruse and disguises himself as a food inspector, and of course dummy Grounder doesn't recognize him. Sonic tricks the little green washing machine into eating a dog himself, loaded with extra hot chili. His cheeks explode, then he turns into a... bulldog, and then a cat? They were definitely on drugs when they made this. Sonic nabs two real dogs and books it, while Scratch and Grounder give chase, the stopper-zapper malfunctioning and a-firin' its laser in any given direction. And then, as a stray beam was heading for Tails, Sonic pushed him out of the way and was zapped. The hedgehog turns to stone, as he lets us know beforehand. Unsure of what to do and unable to use the stopper-zapper against the bots, Tails grabs his stone buddy and escapes. Grounder and Scratch give chase, but Tails is able to subdue them with a bunch of wooden logs that were conveniently left in the middle of the road.

Tails brings Sonic into an old factory to hide out, managing to lose Robotnik and his dim-bots, who have a hankering for a stoned hedgehog. They'll get him if they have to destroy the entire factory, which is what Scratch and Grounder almost do, breaking in with a giant tank that has a boxing glove attached to the front. Where do they get these ideas? Speaking of ideas, Tails takes a page from Sonic's book of gimmicks and disguises himself as an MP, citing the bots for dangerous driving, which includes a hefty and lengthy jail sentence. However, being unusually sharp, Scratch sees right through Tails' disguise, noting that most officers don't have two tails. Why is it he can see through one of Tails' disguises, but is constantly fooled by the ones Sonic pulls off? I guess because the script says so. Ha, script? Tails books it again, and rather than go after him, the bots decide to draw him out, with yet another chili dog trap. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Meanwhile, Tails rigs up a trap of his own. Hmm, two dimwits chasing after a child left on his own who manages to fend them off with some homemade traps. Sounds familiar. So, as Scratch and Grounder try to lure Tails into their oversized mousetrap, he easily fools them, making them the ones to get caught. Despite their slipping and sliding and getting KO'ed with sandbags in Tails' trap, the two dummies refuse to give up. That's when Robotnik calls to demand an update. Wait, did he go back to the fortress? We saw him pursuing Tails in his Egg-o-Matic a few minutes ago, then he crashed and just disappeared. You'd think he would've stayed to make sure he successfully nabbed Sonic, who is easier to catch now than ever before. The robots decide next to bring out the big guns: the stopper-zapper. Tails sees this as the perfect opportunity to have Sonic unfreezed, so he sets up a mirror, then throws a few "nyah-nyah"s at the two dummies, who fire their frickin' laser beam, it reflects off the mirror, and quicker than you can say "how predictable", Sonic is unfreezed. He then bends the rod on the stopper-zapper's beam, thus making it freeze itself and subsequently explode, sending Scratch and Grounder flying, and falling right on Dr. Robotnik, who came back to see what was going on. Now to finish off this terrible trio. Tails activates a giant claw that scoops them up and drops them into a vat of quick drying cement. Hard luck, boys. Our Sonic Says is about not opening the door to strangers, and I guess it's also about not impersonating a cop, as when Scratch and Grounder claim to be the police to try and gain entry, they're taken away by a real cop. Well, both are good lessons, I guess.

And that was Tails in Charge, as we finally get to see him stand up to Robotnik and his henchbots on his own. It shows he's pretty capable of doing it. It's almost like something has been holding him back. Yeah, odd not seeing Sonic as the center of attention for once, but he did teach that wily fox all he knows. By my count, this is third time Sonic was turned to stone in this series. It happened previously in Magic Hassle and Grounder the Genius. His feet were turned to stone in Hedgehog of the Hound Table. Guess he like the makers of this show just can't avoid getting stoned. This episode was pretty good, even if the animation is pretty bad in a few places. Like, why does Grounder have human hands for 80% of it? There's very little plot, and what there is begins around the 7 minute mark, and then it's just nothing but chasing, yelling, and setting up traps. I'd say check this one out if you want to see how Tails handles a situation when he's left to fend for himself without his big blue buddy. That was an almost sad scene when Tails is trying to talk to Sonic, despite him being encased in stone, and how he calls him "big bro." This whole thing proves that Tails can handle himself and doesn't have to be reduced to wimpy damsel. I'm sure we would've seen Tails grow in strength and character in the Saturday show, had it stuck around for another season, and they could've done that in this show too. I mean, Tails does get a few more episodes where he's the protagonist having to solve problems on his own (Tails Prevails and Tails' Tale), so the desire was there. Anyway, I recommend Tails in Charge.