A ball python? Seriously? I can understand using common pet constricting snakes in the roles of venomous vipers in older movies, before amateur herpetology was so common. But now, with boa constrictors and pythons in every serious pet shop, with a good percentage of your viewers instantly recognizing them, using one as a jungle viper that supposedly gave our protagonist a potentially life threatening bite is just plain silly. It's the kind of funny that you're not hoping for in a comedy drama. It breaks the suspension of disbelief. The CGI snake in the first episode looked fine, why not stick with that? Color me disappointed with whoever approved the use of someone's pet instead.
Reviews
8 Reviews
Nightmares
(1983)
Avoid.
15 February 2016
The first two stories are mildly entertaining at best, and just barely even worth being classified as "horror". The third was more like exceptionally watered down science fiction than anything else, and never even borders on being "horror". That said, all of the first three stories might be worth a four, by themselves, if only because they are at least somewhat interesting, if predictable. Christopher Crowe, based purely on this film, is a marginally decent, though not exceptional writer.
Then we get to the forth and we go from unoffensive, bland, and boring to plain out tragic and inexcusably awful. The change in writers from the first three "chapters" to the forth is obvious, and they did NOT save the best for last. The set up is there for a predictable revenge story, but it never comes to fruition and I'm left presuming that Jeffery Bloom's friends, family and co-workers told him that he could write because they cared more about his feelings than his potential career.
Then we get to the forth and we go from unoffensive, bland, and boring to plain out tragic and inexcusably awful. The change in writers from the first three "chapters" to the forth is obvious, and they did NOT save the best for last. The set up is there for a predictable revenge story, but it never comes to fruition and I'm left presuming that Jeffery Bloom's friends, family and co-workers told him that he could write because they cared more about his feelings than his potential career.
Interstellar
(2014)
90 minute film stretched to over two hrs with excessive crying.
9 September 2015
Interstellar is the most boring thing I've watched since the last space-drama, "Gravity". This is that movie, crossed with an episode of Doctor Who, and with about an extra hour of absolutely pointless crying and drama included, as far as I can tell, purely to stretch the length of the movie.
If it had been an hour and a half, it probably would've been fun to watch. The visual effects are really nice, and the acting is believable. Matthew McConaughey would be good in anything. I like that it's completely unpredictable. And the smart arse robot is a nice touch, (after the protagonist tells it to turn on its 'queue light' when it's joking, it says "You can use it to find your way back after I blast you out of the air lock").
But holy freaking crap all of that long, drawn out, crying gets old fast. I get it. Your character is really broken up about stuff. Can we move on to the next plot point already? Whoever decided that the story needed to be broken into five minute pieces, separated by long periods of grieving and frustration, needs to be kicked in the shins. Repeatedly.
If it had been an hour and a half, it probably would've been fun to watch. The visual effects are really nice, and the acting is believable. Matthew McConaughey would be good in anything. I like that it's completely unpredictable. And the smart arse robot is a nice touch, (after the protagonist tells it to turn on its 'queue light' when it's joking, it says "You can use it to find your way back after I blast you out of the air lock").
But holy freaking crap all of that long, drawn out, crying gets old fast. I get it. Your character is really broken up about stuff. Can we move on to the next plot point already? Whoever decided that the story needed to be broken into five minute pieces, separated by long periods of grieving and frustration, needs to be kicked in the shins. Repeatedly.
Flying Monkeys
(2012 TV Movie)
Utter crap.
25 August 2014
Warning: Spoilers
I can live with poor CGI, if there is enough blood and a few laughs. I can overlook a shoddy, predictable script if the movie is fun. But this was so badly done and it wasn't even laughably bad.
The worst, most tie breaking flaw is that the "monster" gets attached to the protagonist. He and the girl whose "pet" he's supposed to be bond, and he won't harm her. Then the monster-hunters, here specifically to kill it, tell us that it won't hurt her because she was kind to it, instead of "treating them like the monsters they are". As in, if they weren't being hunted in the first place, they'd be docile. Then the girl kills her pet anyway, just because, with zero rhyme or reason.
The whole thing left a very sour taste in my mouth. A bad B grade horror movie relies on humor to make it watchable. Making it heartbreakingly and senselessly sad instead makes it completely worthless, as a film.
The worst, most tie breaking flaw is that the "monster" gets attached to the protagonist. He and the girl whose "pet" he's supposed to be bond, and he won't harm her. Then the monster-hunters, here specifically to kill it, tell us that it won't hurt her because she was kind to it, instead of "treating them like the monsters they are". As in, if they weren't being hunted in the first place, they'd be docile. Then the girl kills her pet anyway, just because, with zero rhyme or reason.
The whole thing left a very sour taste in my mouth. A bad B grade horror movie relies on humor to make it watchable. Making it heartbreakingly and senselessly sad instead makes it completely worthless, as a film.
Stan Helsing
(2009)
Promising premise falls flat.
22 August 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Despite the poor reviews, I gave it a try. I LOVE horror comedy. On the comedy scale I gave this a two. On the horror scale it's an absolute ZERO.
Leslie Nielsen is wonderful, but his role is sadly minimal. The monsters, such as they are, are present, but never actually injure, attack, or kill anybody! Our "heroes" spend ninety percent of the movie running away from them.
There is NO morbid humor whatsoever. All of the jokes, and as far as I can remember, and I do mean ALL of them, are sex or potty related. Better than half of them are poorly timed or badly executed, and while we can tell that it was supposed to be funny, it doesn't manage to actually evoke that much laughter.
The first half hour, I was thinking "this isn't so bad", expecting it to get better as the action ramped up. An hour later, it still hadn't.
Regardless of whether you're looking for laughs or blood, you'll find neither one here.
Leslie Nielsen is wonderful, but his role is sadly minimal. The monsters, such as they are, are present, but never actually injure, attack, or kill anybody! Our "heroes" spend ninety percent of the movie running away from them.
There is NO morbid humor whatsoever. All of the jokes, and as far as I can remember, and I do mean ALL of them, are sex or potty related. Better than half of them are poorly timed or badly executed, and while we can tell that it was supposed to be funny, it doesn't manage to actually evoke that much laughter.
The first half hour, I was thinking "this isn't so bad", expecting it to get better as the action ramped up. An hour later, it still hadn't.
Regardless of whether you're looking for laughs or blood, you'll find neither one here.
The Curse
(1987)
Great little schlocky horror movie!
14 August 2014
Warning: Spoilers
As a Lovecraft fan, and an eighty's horror fan, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Yes, it's sometimes a tad slow, and the effects are low budget by today's standards, but when the icky, nasty stuff does happen, it's gleefully gross and morbidly funny.
The characters who suffer the most are the ones you WANT to see suffer, (well, most of them, anyway), right from the get-go. I love that; seeing mean, awful, stupid characters just having a horrible time. And they don't die quickly, oh no. They're embarrassed, injured, made to look really stupid and THEN killed.
If you've ever wanted to see a giggling woman sew a sock onto her hand, this is your chance. Or a little girl pecked half to death by chickens, which she could've very easily just ran away from. Sure it's ridiculous, but it's fun to watch.
To my mind this stands on the same ground as "Critters" or "Pet Cemetery Two". Its production values are low, the script is predictable, and the pace isn't great, but it is super fun to watch if you like that sort of thing.
Plus, if you're familiar with Lovecraft's work, this is "The Colour Out Of Space", minus the color itself. To be fair, when this was made, doing credit to an indescribable, animated color would've been very expensive, and it was obvious that this was made on a shoe string.
The characters who suffer the most are the ones you WANT to see suffer, (well, most of them, anyway), right from the get-go. I love that; seeing mean, awful, stupid characters just having a horrible time. And they don't die quickly, oh no. They're embarrassed, injured, made to look really stupid and THEN killed.
If you've ever wanted to see a giggling woman sew a sock onto her hand, this is your chance. Or a little girl pecked half to death by chickens, which she could've very easily just ran away from. Sure it's ridiculous, but it's fun to watch.
To my mind this stands on the same ground as "Critters" or "Pet Cemetery Two". Its production values are low, the script is predictable, and the pace isn't great, but it is super fun to watch if you like that sort of thing.
Plus, if you're familiar with Lovecraft's work, this is "The Colour Out Of Space", minus the color itself. To be fair, when this was made, doing credit to an indescribable, animated color would've been very expensive, and it was obvious that this was made on a shoe string.
Zero Charisma
(2013)
Sadly disappointed
5 November 2013
Warning: Spoilers
I had such high hopes for this movie, as an avid D&D player through my college years and a fan of MMOs. Finally, the geeks get their due. We've got a gamer protagonist who is both sympathetic and pitiable. I rooted for him, I felt bad for him, I felt embarrassed for him. He does everything he can, but his luck is just terrible. His nemesis is better looking than him, has more friends, a better website, and he might be smarter, but he's also a bit douchey. A little stuck up. At first he looks like he might be the better man, but as we learn more about him, maybe not. Someone in another review compared this to Taxi Driver, and I can see why they'd say that. By the end I kept wondering how poor Scott could ever rectify his situation. There were people I was hoping he would just go mad and attack, because it looked like there was nothing else left for him to do. I'm avoiding spoilers here, but let me say that I was very disappointed in the ending. I think our hero deserved better than he got. If you're a table top gamer or you like RPGs or MMOs, definitely give it watch, but beware the finale. It's not as good as it could've been, by far.
Frozen
(I) (2010)
Ninety percent utter crap
5 March 2013
Warning: Spoilers
I gave it a two because there are brief scenes that are fun to watch. These scenes take up maybe ten minutes total out of the ninety minute film. The rest of it is so gut wrenchingly boring that I had to fast forward through it in short increments. The vast majority of this movie consists of three teenagers discussing their very ordinary lives and feelings with each other, highlighted with brief moments of gore and drama. It took twenty five minutes just to get to the point where they're stuck on the lift! The characters are among the most stupid I've ever seen in any movie. Yes, you need dumb characters in a movie like this, to progress the plot, but these kids take the cake. One of them has a lighter, but it never occurs to any of them to light something on fire, even when they're being pursued by wolves. It might be bearable if the viewer is very, very stoned. Maybe.
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