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Cats (2019)
God songs, but one ugly mess
'Cats' by Andrew Lloyd Webber isn't my favorite musical because, while it is visually brilliant and beautifully sung, the story is very light and minimal and the style is very dated. Nevertheless, the show was the longest-running musical from the early 1980's until the late 90's and started the long trend of family-friendly mega-blockbusters on Broadway. Based on a collection of poems by T.S. Eliot, 'Cats' the musical introduces one Jellicle cat, it sings a dynamic number and gets cast aside among the ensemble, rinse and repeat, like fashion models on the runway. As for Cats the movie, Tom Hooper gives an already incoherent narrative a plot so the movie would seem real to the cinematic eye. Victoria the White Cat (Francesca Hayward), who has no dialogue and one dance number in the show, is the main character who goes through a journey, I guess, but barely does anything to earn her Jellicle trophy. Macavity (Idris Elba) has more screen time than the episodic show as the antagonist who kidnaps other Jellicle cats: Asparagus (Ian McKellan), Jennyanydots (Rebel Wilson), Bustopher Jones (James Corden), and Old Deuteronomy (Judi Dench). Lastly, Hooper feeds the script with terrible cat puns on par with the ones from Catwoman and suggests an even worse adlib job from Corden and Wilson. The only redeeming value in Cats the movie is the song soundtrack, performed by giants like Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Swift. Even ballerina Miss Hayward produces a beautiful innocent voice in her feature debut to incorporate with her dancing talents. Beyond that, I'll forgive the hideous humanoid cat special effects, but with the story mixed into an already plotless musical, Cats was a complete mess. (1 ½ Scary CGI Jellicles out of 5)
Holmes & Watson (2018)
Will Ferrell is done. Just done.
Holmes & Watson is another comedic take on the iconic mystery series by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. In this movie, Sherlock Holmes (Will Ferrell) and Dr. John Watson (John C. Reilly) are assigned to investigate the perpetrator of Queen Victoria's (Pam Ferris) future death on the Titanic. The murderer is their housekeeper Mrs. Hudson (Kelly Macdonald), who is a descendant of Dr. Moriarty (Ralph Fiennes), but don't expect me to analyze her plan because the movie doesn't care. Holmes & Watson is nothing but a barrage of predictable slapstick, insultingly deadly sexual jokes and painful meandering Victorian versions of modern-day references. Not to mention, there's an out-of-the-blue song sequence written by Alan Menken, who probably cashed his big paycheck for a pension fund and must have been ashamed penning such garbage. As for pop culture references, we get numerous allusions to Donald Trump's America, mentions of Fourth Wave feminism, and a cameo from Billy Zane at the end. Speaking of, the most insulting anachronism of all, aside from the drunken telegram sexting and the selfie from the Queen, the RMS Titanic was constructed in 1908 and launched in 1912, several years after Victoria's death. Not only that, the ship sailed not in London but in Southampton, tens of miles away. I know it's pointless to rag on a movie with nothing but comedic anachronism, but the Titanic ship is intentionally part of the storyline, one set in the nineteenth century where most Sherlock Holmes stories take place. Holmes & Watson is not only a downfall for Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly's careers, but also an insult to history, Arthur Conan Doyle's legacy and comedic intelligence. (1 Victorian Selfie out of 5)
The Emoji Movie (2017)
The Sony Product Placement Movie
Is the first animated Razzie Award winner The Emoji Movie the worst film of the year? Gene (T.J. Miller) is a 'meh' emoji inside a kid's iPhone who wants to be a wide variety of expressions. Once he accidentally glitches the phone, he crosses the threshold and exits Textropolis with his band of misfits Hi-5 (James Corden) and Jailbreak (Anna Faris), going through all sorts of Apps like CandyCrush, Just Dance, Spotify, and Dropbox, to escape from the bots hired by Smiler (Maya Rudolph). The obvious message in the film is that technology connects people together, so buy an iPhone and text an emoji to show your love for another. Hearing that flimsy and gimmicky moral, I saw The Emoji Movie as a 90-minute commercial for Sony products, with all the features installed such as a half-baked story, uninspired characters, and obnoxious puns, but colorful imaginative worlds. As for Alex, the phone's owner who sends a text to let go of his comfort zone, he is no Riley from Inside Out. The boy is just as dreadfully boring as all the other phone-ridden schoolmates, including his girl crush, and the apps and emojis don't do much to support his character arc. Also, the film missed an opportunity to have the emojis escape the phone world and enter the WiFi network, where they might accidentally damage the system causing chaos in not just the school but the world. This could have been a unique children's satire tackling the impact of technology among humans. However, The Emoji Movie and Sony exist to only advertise trendy electronics rather than glorifying the art of cinema. (1 ½ Thumbs Down Symbols out of 5)
Fantastic Four (2015)
Better than I expected, but not by much
Back in 2015, I saw a huge cardboard display for the new Fantastic Four movie, and I thought, "Oh no, is this gonna be one of those movies where it's coated in that ugly desaturated earth and metal tones?" So, I didn't watch it because I wasn't into Marvel movies in general, but it might be a critical success regardless. However, this movie describing the origins of the team, which includes Mr. Fantastic (Miles Teller), Invisible Girl (Kate Mara), Human Torch (Michael B. Jordan) and Thing (Jamie Bell), and their plot to defeat the evil Dr. Doom (Toby Kebell) had been critically thrashed, warranting a 5% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Well, after seeing this, part of me can see why, but on the other hand, on the other perspective, it's not exactly worthy of a low rating. The story splits into two segments: Reed Richards building the dimensional transporter and the four superheroes fighting Von Doom. Although the story takes itself way too seriously, most of the movie is shot in the dark, and the most of the action happens in the background, Josh Trank's Fantastic Four is competent on visual effects, the musical score by Marco Beltrami and Philip Glass, and the performances by Teller, Mara, Jordan and Bell. Most of the faults in the movie come from producer and co-writer Simon Kinberg, who wanted to capitalize on the success on The Avengers and X-Men and make a realistic version of Jack Kirby and Stan Lee's story. His obsession with dimming the lights and desaturating every scene makes a chuck of the movie unwatchable and drab. On top of everything else, Trank tweeted that he wanted to be faithful to the source material except with a body count, resulting in a drastic tug of war game between him and Marvel. Despite the messy storyline and blatant studio intervention, Fantastic Four wasn't a good movie, but I'm glad I saw it. (2 ½ Black Hole Sky Portals out of 5)
Saving Christmas (2014)
Draining Christmas
If you looked at the poster of Saving Christmas and expected a fun family action comedy featuring the actor from "Growing Pains," get ready to be disappointed. Kirk Cameron, the formerly popular teen actor turned born-again Christian, is off to save Christmas and what does he do? He stalls inside a car with his brother-in-law Christian (Darren Doane) and lectures to him and the audience about the true meaning of Christmas and the birth of Jesus. Saving Christmas is more about inflating Cameron's ego than spreading the holiday cheer to all your friends. Despite being a Christian, Cameron contradicts his own religious philosophy of love and forgiveness and suggests that Saint Nicholas, the originator of Santa Claus, murdered heretics when not giving presents. I guess Cameron was trying to be ironic with his "Lord of the Ringsy" take on the figure, but instead it comes off as mean-spirited, especially in a Christmas movie. To be fair, the joke might have worked in a tongue-and-cheek sense, if the other characters weren't so poorly-written. Christian is a one-dimensional Scrooge in the mud, the atheist conspirators contribute nothing and neither do any of the party-goers, including Kirk's sister Bridgette, except a dance number. Seeing the characters' lack of onscreen presence only adds to Kirk Cameron's overlong sanctimonious preachiness; that's me a film lover in general. If Kirk Cameron is reading this post (I seriously doubt that he is), I apologize for being a "hater and atheist," but Saving Christmas wasn't very good. (1 Hot Cocoa in a Mike Seaver Mug out of 5)
Movie 43 (2013)
Desperate
Omnibus films featuring big names can work as long as the product works well, but Movie 43 fails as it combines the series of shorts into one narrative. There are two versions of the film: One takes place in a producer's conference and the other takes place at a teenager's home before an apocalypse. Some segments have missing payoffs like the one where a grocery clerk Neil (Kiernan Culkin) falls in love with Veronica (Emma Stone) or Batman (Jason Sedakis) giving dating advice to Robin (Justin Long). Others, like the one where Beth (Kate Winslet) goes on a date with millionaire Davis (Hugh Jackman), the one where Amanda (Chloe Moretz) experiences her first menstrual cycle, and the one where a man (Chris Pratt) takes laxatives to show his love for his fiancée (Anna Faris) are just an excuse to throw out gross-out jokes. Meanwhile, it throws in socio-political commentary in these sketches, like the sexist ad executive (Richard Gere) pitching the product iBabe to his staff or the 1950's coach (Terrence Howard) teaching the first all-black basketball team. However, other segments are okay, like the game of truth of dare between Stephen Merchant and Halle Berry, the one featuring a gay cartoon cat or a birthday present involving a leprechaun (Gerard Butler). You know your project is in trouble when you title it Movie 43 because these rejected CollegeHumor sketches seem like they were filmed before the producers came up with the title. It especially doesn't work when they bookend these vignettes with a lazy and last minute narrative. I do not object to shock and gross-out comedy, in fact, as a teen, I watched a good chunk of lowbrow shows like "Robot Chicken" and "Family Guy." Whereas those were handled with contextual intelligence, Movie 43 is a limp, desperate attempt from over fifteen directors to throw every adult humor on the screen resulting in a giant mess. (1 ½ Balls on Chins out of 5)
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)
poorly acted, poorly directed mess
To tell a tale out of school, out of all the horrible Worst Picture Razzie winners, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 was the main reason I retained from doing this marathon in the first place. On top of not getting into the teenage vampire and werewolf trend in early 2010's, I didn't want to expose myself to the cinematic bubonic plague known as the Twilight franchise. Unfortunately, the 8-year record is broken as I have now seen one of their movies, the final one. Previously, Bella Swan-Cullen (Kristen Stewart) gave birth to Edward Cullen's (Robert Pattinson) half-vampire baby Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy). In Part 2, Bella and Edward's love-child brings a conflict between the Cullen family, the pack of werewolves lead by Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) and the Volturi cult led by Aro (Michael Sheen). Having not seen the other films or read the Stephanie Meyer books, I could never follow why being immortal would be a threat to the Volturi vampires or how the vampires inexplicably gain powers like chopping logs like a cheese cracker, superspeed, or super-jump. It also didn't help that the visual effects are far below the standards of a Sci-Fi channel movie, demonstrated by the werewolves, motion blurs, the backdrops, and the baby. Another list of stupidity: Bella learning to act human, the elemental powers that contribute nothing to vampirism, the ethnic stereotypes, and the climactic battle near the end which was all a vision. The only redeeming and entertaining value in the whole series so far is Michael Sheen, who bites the scenery gloriously and even has that silly hammy laugh as an act of threat. While nicely shot and not with some crazy and funny moments, Breaking Dawn Part 2 is still a poorly written, poorly acted and poorly directed mess. (1 ½ Ugly CGI Renesmee Cullens out of 5)
The Last Airbender (2010)
How do you make Avatar: The Last Airbender boring?
In the early 2000's, I didn't have Nickelodeon or any of the popular cable networks, so I didn't grow up watching "Avatar: the Last Airbender." However, I will still take a look at M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender as its own movie. Sokka (Jackson Rathbone) and Katara (Nicola Paltz) are two waterbenders who discover Aang (Noah Ringer), the last living Avatar, frozen in ice in the Southern Water Tribe. In his journey, Aang must master all four elements to overthrow the Fire Nation and stop them from enslaving the Water Tribe and Earth Kingdom. Without going too deep into the comparison between this and the cartoon, let's examine how you summarize Season 1 and make it one of the most boring films ever made. First, M. Night Shyamalan's script consists of nothing but characters citing exposition without emotional address, lacking depth or visual flair. Second, condensing a full episodic series into a two hour long film makes the result too cluttered, unfocused, and slow, much like David Lynch's Dune. Third, the majority of the action sequences are shot in one take in slow motion, focusing more on body movements and computer effects rather than dramatic tension or suspense. Finally, the actors perform their parts in a blank manner, probably because Shyamalan's deadwood dialogue tree gives them nothing to work with thus the characters feel empty. Judging by how much backlash it got in 2010 and also how irritatingly dull and soulless is, I can probably thank The Last Airbender for making me want to watch "Avatar: The Last Airbender" more. (1 ½ CGI Appas out of 5)
I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
The silliest horror film of 2007
In this psychological thriller, Aubrey Fleming (Lindsay Lohan) is abducted and tortured by a serial killer. Meanwhile, her twin sister, Dakota Moss (also Lohan) wakes up in a hospital and discovers mysterious wounds on her right hand and right leg, before solving the mystery of her killer, Aubrey's piano tutor Mr. Norquist. Atop of the recycled murder mystery plot, those ridiculous blue operating tools, the goofy gore scenes, and the ludicrously preposterous twin stigmata syndrome, here are some of the billion plot holes that earned I Know Who Killed Me its eight Razzies. If Aubrey was buried during the investigation, then why isn't Dakota slowly rotting away like real corpses? In fact, wouldn't she be out of breath by the time she got to the killer's house? For that matter, if Aubrey and Dakota are twins, how could their parents (Julia Ormond and Neal McDonough) not recognize her when Dakota walked in? How did Aubrey's dad end up from the cemetery to a coffin in the killer's lab within ten minutes? If the impact of one twin affects another twin, did Aubrey feel anything down there when Dakota had sex with her boyfriend Jerrod (Brian Geraghty)? And most importantly, why aren't the FBI agents brought into the case again even after Norquist died? I Know Who Killed Me is an extremely stupid movie with not much thrills and a lot more laughs. (1 Blue Rose Bouquet out of 5)
Basic Instinct 2 (2006)
Lame sequel
Lethal weapon Catherine Tramell is back with a sequel to the 1992 hit noir film Basic Instinct. Years later, the sexy blonde viper (Sharon Stone) lands in London where she pays daily visits to Dr. Michael Glass (David Morrissey) and once again plays a series of mind tricks with him. Dr. Glass is left with conflict between having sexual relations with her and arresting her for the murders of Adam Towers (Hugh Dancy), Denise (Indira Varma), and Roy Washburn (David Thewlis). Despite having the similar plot, this movie holds accountable for some of the silliest moments in the series. Unlike the previous film where she mostly used an ice pick to murder her victims, in Basic Instinct 2, Catherine drives over 100 mph in a car with Kevin (Stan Collymore) masturbating her and drowns the car into the Thames. This over-the-top murder method might fit more in a parody of the first movie and makes her seem like a sleazy B-movie villain. Furthermore, how nobody in Scotland Yard can be immediately suspicious about her and arrest her after she killed Kevin is anybody's case. Even the ending was a bit cheap and hokey, with Dr. Glass getting arrested and taken to a mental ward. Instead of killing him like she did in the last film, she leaves him her bestseller and some more predatory manipulation. Basic Instinct 2 is nothing more than a lame sequel with very little suspense and not much erotic undercurrent. (1 ½ Chinese Dominatrices out of 5)
Gigli (2003)
Strange. Very, very strange.
Did anyone ask for a Bennifer movie? Anyway, Larry "Rhymes with Really" Gigli (Ben Affleck) is a wannabe mobster who is assigned to kidnap Brian (Justin Bartha), the federal prosecutor's mentally handicapped brother. Because Larry is such a wet sandwich gangster, he gets a surprise visit from Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) whom he resents at first, but, of course, they end up in the sack together. Things get ugly when Starkman (Al Pacino) arrives, kills Louis (Lenny Venito), and tells Larry what an embarrassment he is, but Larry and Ricki quit and take Brian to "the Baywatch". Gigli is one of the most oddly-concocted films I have seen, with an ill-conceived story, bizarre subplots, and performances so off-collar that the actors look confused at what's going on. Ben Affleck seems more focused on acting like an egocentric douchebag than a lesser mob man and J-Lo, despite playing a badass bodyguard, comes off as just a special needs caretaker with a hot bod. Pacino is even worse, overacting in every sentence and emphasizing every four-letter word. However, Gigli's saving grace is Justin Bartha as Brian, who is desperate to lose his virginity yet has to take abuse from Larry in almost every scene. A very special shout-out goes to Christopher Walken and his awkwardly hilarious switch from a serious interrogation to a 20-second monologue about pie. Gigli is such an odd egg to sit through and is one of the classic examples of a bad romantic comedy. (1 Marie Calendar Pie a la Mode out of 5) (It's turkey time... Gobble gobble.)
Swept Away (2002)
One of the worst remakes of all time
A remake of the 1974 Italian film directed by Lina Wertmuller, Swept Away follows a spoiled wealthy woman Amber (Madonna) and a Communist fisherman Giuseppe (Adriano Giannini) who go from spending days on a fancy yacht to being stranded on a Mediterranean island. While there, Giuseppe decides to gain authority and enslave Amber, because he's tired of her berating him. I think one of the biggest issues I have with the movie is Amber, who's too bitter and irredeemably nasty. In fact, she's so awful that any attempt to faithfully capture the comedic tension and beauty of Wertmuller's film comes off as unbelievably forced. Apart from Madonna's overacting, Guy Ritchie's take on Swept Away makes a wide series of dumb changes that ruin the chemistry of the original. In the 1974 version, Gennarino and Raffaella find a frigate in the distance, so they fight over the whistle for rescue, showing the first signs of them working off each other; later they find the island and row toward it, working together for the first time. In the remake, Amber and Giuseppe find a flare gun, fight over it before punching a hole in the raft, and they get washed away on the island. Also, in the original, after an attempted rape by Gennarino, Raffaella looks away into the bed of kelp reflecting on her decisions and, after watching Gennarino hunting, skinning and cooking a hare, she inevitably gives herself to him, hoping it would satisfy the merciless man; therefore the two engage in sexual relations later that night. In the remake, Amber looks into the campfire, watching her material world crumble, and the next day she drops the logs, kisses Giuseppe's legs and they have sex. By making these changes, Guy Ritchie makes one of the worst remakes of all time, evaporating any levity or human connection that made Lina Wertmuller's film funny and powerful. (1/2 Octopus out of 5)
Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
"I don't hate this"
Before I made this list, I uttered that my least favorite movie was Tom Green's Freddy Got Fingered, an anti-comedy with touches of gross-out humor, sexual humor, bad taste humor, jokes about child molestation, animal cruelty, animal masturbation, sexual abuse, and a whole bunch of screaming and yelling. To be fair, most of my reaction stemmed from watching reviews of other critics who extremely hated the movie. Years later, I watched the movie with a fresh pair of eyes, thinking I may have overreacted considering the awful movies I have seen. After seeing it, I said, "I don't hate Freddy Got Fingered," six words I swore that would have appeared in my nightmares. Gord (Tom Green) is an aspiring animator who travels to Los Angeles, doesn't get the job, drives back, farts around in his home, quits his job as a food server, develops a relationship with Betty, a crippled girl with a rocket fetish, pitches a new show "Zebras in America", travels to Pakistan, and all while trying to impress his father Jim (Rip Torn). Part of me got a chuckle at Green's behavioral ham and bizarre John Waters-style cruelty, mostly from the strange repetition of quotes uttered by Green, Rip Torn, the creepy father and his son. However, for an anti-comedy that has a ton of bad taste humor, the movie could have taken more risks in the jokes. You could have Gord eating human poop, storing a bottle of horse semen in a jar and smearing it on the Dave Davidson's (Anthony Michael Hall) desk, snorting cocaine off a fat prostitute's buttocks, or painting hardcore porn on his house. If he was going for that Waters-style campiness and bad taste, Green should have gone to that extreme like what he did on MTV rather than play it slightly safe to increase ticket sales. With that said, I don't know what puzzles me, my most hated movie making me laugh or the fact that Freddy Got Fingered not working because it doesn't try to run wild enough. (2 1/2 Elephant and Horse Cum Covered Cheese Sandwiches with Sausages on Strings out of 5)
Battlefield Earth (2000)
Intergalactically stupid
Battlefield Earth, often considered to be the worst science fiction movie of all time, is an ugly, incomprehensible, and chaotic dystopian mess from start to finish. Based on a work by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, this movie focuses on the ultraviolent alien species Psychlos that enslave and study the last living humans in the 31st Century. The humans rebel and join forces to destroy these damn dirty aliens once and for all. As a person who's not quite into science fiction movies, I found out early on why this movie is often considered the worst. The laughable Psychlo designs look like troll dolls covered in moss with dirty mops on their heads. Despite being the leader of the superior conquering alien race, Terl (John Travolta) has no idea how to communicate with the humans or what food they eat. The humans also have inconsistent tendencies, the shopping mall mannequin worshippers that give away their weapons to villains, but yet know to use a nuclear bomb to take out the Psychlos' planet. Seriously, you'd think Terl and his gang would have wiped out the human race on Earth with the use of radioactive fusion, rather than the other way around. So, with that said, Battlefield Earth is one miracle of a sci-fi flop. With the horrendous art direction, baffling idiotic inconsistencies and complete stupidity in the writing and characters, this movie is one giant intergalactic dog that has to be seen to be believed. (1/2 Fort Knox Gold Bar out of 5)
Wild Wild West (1999)
An expensive mess
Based on the hit 1960's TV show of the same name, Wild Wild West centers on outlaw James West (Will Smith) and the master of disguise and inventor Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline) and their plot to defeat the evil Dr. Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branagh) from killing civilians and reviving the territories in the United States. Despite Will Smith's best attempt to save this movie, the elaborate set and costume designs, and it's overly expensive budget, Wild Wild West is a chaotic mess. The main problem with the picture is its unsteady tone, with several scenes mentioning dark and violent imagery and others with goofy and silly Yo Mama jokes and lame sexual innuendos. Also, while the TV show did combine elements of Western and science fiction, the movie sets course for the steampunk route, which also fell out of place with the Men in Black style humor. As for the jokes, they either drag for way too long or end with the most predictable payoff. Most notably, after West is introduced to Gordon dressed in drag, he encounters Gordon again dressed as President Grant, and finally, he meets a lady at the masquerade ball, mistaking her for Gordon. On top of the lame payoff from the rule of threes, the fact that you see Kline in drag or wearing a fake beard and prosthetic nose instead of another actor ruins the joke of a disguise. Finally, Rita Escobar (Salma Hayek), the brothel dancer who's searching for her scientist father, was probably the most useless character in the movie. Not only does the Mexican love interest have no chemistry between the two, contribute nothing, and accidentally get the heroes captured, but she was already married, making the love triangle pointless. Wild Wild West was under development hell throughout the 90's and it really shows, by its messy storyline, uneven tone and unfunny jokes that even Will Smith cannot save. (1 ½ Giant Steampunk Spiders out of 5)
An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997)
Most appauling
Satires about the movie industry have existed since the Golden Age, with classics such as Blake Edwards's S.O.B. to Robert Altman's The Player. Unfortunately, one of the blackest sheeps of Hollywood parody is the mockumentary film Burn Hollywood Burn, one that attempts to realize Alan Smithee, a pseudonym for film directors who claim disownment of their projects. Here, Smithee (Eric Idle) is an English filmmaker who, tired of being the studio punchline, steals the reels for his $200 million motion picture "Trio" and threatens to burn them unless Hollywood agrees to release his original version. "Trio" is an action movie-within-a-movie starring Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg, and Jackie Chan as three gun-wielding detectives. Various studio heads get interviewed from James Edmonds (Ryan O'Neal), Jerry Glover (Richard Jeni), and the Brothers Brothers (Chuck D and Coolio), all of which try to talk Alan out of burning his movie. Obviously, Burn Hollywood Burn tries to be for movies what Rob Reiner's This is Spinal Tap does for the music industry, but this one doesn't take any risks or try to attack the Hollywood system. Instead, it aims for the obvious, with painful in-jokes, tired visual gags, painfully offensive African American stereotypes, obligatory celebrity cameos and sleazy interviewee subtitles, all in a desperate attempt for a laugh. In fact, I was surprised that everyone involved in the making didn't change their names to Alan Smithee, especially Harvey Weinstein (surprisingly, not his most shameful act). At least Arthur Hiller, usually a talented director in his own right, had the courage to back out. Whatever the case, Burn Hollywood Burn sucks. (1/2 Blackface Cane out of 5)
The Postman (1997)
Pretty derivative and silly
Dances with Wolves is a movie that labeled Kevin Costner as one of the most prolific directors and producers of the 1990's. His filmmaking credibility however disintegrated once his post-apocalyptic science fiction flop The Postman debuted in theaters. An unnamed outlaw (Kevin Costner) escapes from a fascist government concentration camp, dons a uniform from a dead postman and travels into the blockaded city of Pineview, Oregon. There, he plots to reform the U.S. government and fight General Bethlehem (Will Patton) and the Holnists for their country, almost akin to Robin Hood. Part of why this movie failed critically and box office wise was Costner's tired, self-indulgent plot and message about fighting against authority for the better of the country. Despite the excellent costumes, decent cinematography and entertainingly dated design of 2013, The Postman was not well-written, not well-directed and seemed derivative of other movies such as Mad Max, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Waterworld. Plus, the epic mano e mano was lame, as The Postman and Bethlehem tackled each other, fell off their horses and physically fought on the dusty ground. It visually looks like I'm watching a catfight that might as well involve them aggressively shoving each other's hands. For that matter, why couldn't they just order their troops to attack instead of letting them watch on horseback? While it is not a good film by any means, The Postman is the most tonally consistent, unlike the other Razzie winners I've seen. (2 Bronze Costner Statues out of 5)
Striptease (1996)
Shame on you Castle Rock
Time to see more of Demi Moore (pun definitely intended) with the movie that started the nail on the coffin of her acting career, Striptease. Based on the book by Carl Hiaasen, the movie follows Erin Grant (Demi Moore) an FBI agent-turned stripper who's in the middle of a custody battle over her daughter (Rumer Willis) with the help of Lieutenant Al Garcia (Armand Assante). However, said battle requires a visit to Congressman David Dilbeck (Burt Reynolds) as she conjures a plan to remove him from office after one patron who volunteered as an insider was murdered. Unlike Showgirls, which was a drama and tries to take itself seriously, Striptease is a comedy with satirical jabs at corrupt Floridian politicians. The main problem with the film, however, is that the tone is all over the map, as it cannot decide whether to be funny or serious. That tonal shift might have been caused by Demi Moore, who knew too well about Erin and made her into a radical feminist who opposes her job. Meanwhile, she's surrounded by whacky comic minor characters like Shad the bouncer (Ving Rhimes) and her ex-husband Darrell (Robert Patrick). Part of me wanted to laugh because these minor characters from the book do deserve fit on the big screen, but when Erin's arc came, the movie fell apart. I swear, half the time, I kept wondering why she chose a cushy strip joint like the Eager Beaver instead of staying in the FBI. Despite Hiaasen's approval of the film adaptation, Striptease is a mess and did not live up to its potential as a hilarious political satire. (1 Shawshank Redemption Poster out of 5)
Showgirls (1995)
Too unpleasant and long to be "so bad it's good"
Showgirls is one of those trashy chick-flicks that you invite your college girlfriends over to your house accompanied with jeroboams of wine and champagne. Nomi Malone (Elizabeth Berkley) hitchhikes to Las Vegas where she dreams of becoming an exotic dancer at Stardust Resort. There, she goes through other adventures such as forming a friendship with Molly (Gina Ravera), performing pole dances at the Cheetah, making an unlikely friend with Stardust Goddess Cristel Connors (Gina Gershon), having periods during dance rehearsal, weird crazy sex with Zach Carey (Kyle MacLachlan), pushing Cristel down the stairs, meeting Andrew Carver (William Shockley), Molly's rape and assault, and beating up Andrew Carver. I know this is a movie that continues to show midnight screenings at cult theatres, similar to The Rocky Horror Picture Show or The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert. But unlike those two shows where they were entertainingly campy and silly, Showgirls does not have that same vibe. Don't get me wrong, it has its unintentionally funny moments, mostly from Berkley's legendary acting caliber. But, the pacing is slow, the writing is exploitive and sexist, certain plot threads go nowhere while others came out of nowhere, and we learn nothing about Nomi (or should I say Polly). All we know is that her parents died in a homicide/suicide, she has an incredible nationwide criminal record and has run away from a foster home in Oakland. However, we know nothing about what inspired her to her career, where she was born, what her childhood was like, how her parent's deaths affected her psychologically or how old she was when they died. I want to say Showgirls is so bad it's good, but, needless to say, it is nothing but a sleazy soap opera. (1 ½ Chimps in Tutus out of 5)
Color of Night (1994)
Yes, this was from the Director's Cut... not worth it
Here we have another Bruce Willis flick, only this time it's a neo-noir mystery called Color of Night, and it's not a very good one. In this whodunit story, Dr. Bill Capa (Bruce Willis) is a color-blind psychiatrist who investigates the murder of his friend Dr. Bob Moore (Scott Bakula). The suspects include Sondra, the kleptomaniac and nymphomaniac (Lesley Ann Warren); Clark, the obsessive compulsive (Brad Douriff); Richie, a transgender boy (Jane Marsh); Rose, a mysterious woman who seduces Capa (also March); Buck, a suicidal ex-cop (Lance Henriksen) and Casey, a sadomasochist painter (Kevin J. O'Connor). Like most murder mysteries, the culprit is the minor character who is rarely seen throughout the majority, so the murderer was Dale (Andrew Lowery), but, there were some questions that needed to be addressed. First, if he wanted to keep Jane/Richie out of therapy, then why didn't he just kill Dr. Capa similar to how he murdered Dr. Moore? Second, how did Dale know that Capa lived in the previous psychiatrist's house, as he clearly must have known before planting the rattlesnake inside his mailbox? Third, what inspired him to purchase a Firebird, the same model vehicle that Buck owned? Fourth, why didn't Dale, Jane, or Mrs. Niedelmeyer do anything to stop the father from abusing Richie? I could go on with the farfetched plot holes in the mystery, but instead I'm going to end this entry with this. For a movie that's about finding out who the killer is, Color of Night sure likes to forget certain details and over-elaborate on others. (1 ½ Bruce Willies out of 5)
Indecent Proposal (1993)
Great book, lame movie adaptation
Diane (Demi Moore) and David (Woody Harrelson) are a married couple who spend a night in Las Vegas when they encounter a billionaire John Gage (Robert Redford). Because they are broke and jobless, they make a deal with John that they get $1 million for the mortgage and life savings in exchange for Diane. Indecent Proposal, the book, in which the movie is based on, isn't just a morality tale about marriage and monetary greed. It's a tackle on more complex ideas, such as religious quarrel, biblical temptation, spirituality versus greed, and skill versus luck. However, for the movie, Adrian Lyne and Sherry Lansing dumb down the book's interesting themes in favor of a generic blockbuster with big names, happy ending and other romantic movie tropes that would have been laughed off from The Player. For instance, the movie drops out the Arab and Jewish tensions from the Faustian love triangle, hence abandoning any religious significance. They switch locations from Atlantic City to Las Vegas, probably because it was dirt-cheap and more convenient for Hollywood. Finally, the couple was never high school sweethearts in the novel, whereas in the book the wife, Joan, was already married when the two met and the husband, Josh, was a Holocaust survivor. Although changes have to be made for an adaptation to work as a film, the ones in Indecent Proposal made the project look formulaic and generic. With the remake about to be in progress soon, I just hope that it's more faithful to the book than its predecessor. (2 Kissing Hippos out of 5)
Shining Through (1992)
It's only a move, it's only a movie, (etc.)
Shining Through is one of those clichéd romantic melodramas you just want to shake your head at for its corniness and sheer stupidity. Set in World War II, Linda (Melanie Griffith) works with her boss Ed Leland (Michael Douglas) as a secretary and German translator. However, when the war takes a toll on the United States, Ed enlists her as a spy for the Nazis posing as a nanny for Officer Franz-Otto Dietrich's (Liam Neeson) children. Seeing it again, I forgot how much chemistry the two leads have with meek and wise working girl Griffith working off smart but naïve lawman Douglas. I also admire the production design and cinematography, how they allude to those romanticized office rooms in Casablanca. Conversely, the Nazi's were portrayed surprisingly poorly and showcased some of Shining Through's shark jumping moments. First, they hire Linda as a nanny after firing her as a cook, despite being a complete stranger. Then, they let Ed, disguised as a disabled war veteran with a bloody bandage on his throat, into a train to Berlin without thorough medical inspection. Finally, Dietrich allows Linda into the study room and basement in which his V-1 rocket plans are stashed behind a secret door. Honestly, I should have been angry, but, instead, I was amazed that Linda survived all those years without getting caught the second the other Nazis and Margrete (Joely Richardson) recognized her. (2 Strudels out of 5)
Hudson Hawk (1991)
Too crowded and too limp
To say that this film is crazy and silly from start to finish is an absolute understatement. Hudson Hawk (Bruce Willis) and Tommy Five-Tone (Danny Aiello) are cat burglars who are blackmailed on a mission to steal Renaissance artifacts that contain diamonds. These diamonds are used to resurrect a Da Vinci alchemical machine that turns basic metals into gold. Of course, Hudson Hawk combines elements of tongue-and-cheek dark humor, Hope and Crosby adventure comedies, surreal humor, cartoony slapstick humor, and screwball comedy. However, a good chunk of why the movie doesn't work is because the humor doesn't impact the story at all or lead to anywhere, like the writers are presenting every over-the-top joke in a desperate attempt to grab the audience's attention. Worst of all, the writers wave their keys so often that it leaves no room for the movie to pause, breathe, and examine character, so the viewers are kept out of the movie's environment. Also, almost every minor character, including The Mayflowers (Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhard), Sister Anna (Andie MacDowell), the Mario Brothers (Frank Stallone and Carmine Zozzara), and CIA head George Kaplan (James Coburn) and his candy-named agents, are absolute hams, up to a point where they distract from the plot and jokes. To add insult to injury, no one seems to have a reason to behave that way, so the humor falls even flatter than before. It's actually a shame because I wanted to like this movie, as the out-of-context clips I saw before viewing weren't too bad and earned me a chuckle. However, in context, Hudson Hawk, while not without charm and with some impressive stunts, is all about behavior and restless humor, all without structure or meaning. (1 ½ Da Vinci Horse Sculptures out of 5)
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)
Uneven and unfunny
Let's educate on why the likable jerk works in the media and why The Adventures of Ford Fairlane fails on that regard. But first the story, Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay) is the womanizing "Rock n' Roll Detective" who's hired to investigate the murders of Bobby Black (Vince Neil), the lead singer of The Black Plague and his radio DJ best friend Johnny Crunch (Gilbert Gottfried). Most of the clues to the crime include a trio of CD's, answers from a groupie Zuzu Petals (Maddie Corman) and wealthy socialite Colleen Sutton (Priscilla Presley), and the name 'Art Mooney'. The important thing about despicable comedic jerks is they have connections to something relatable, in a way that reveals their attitude toward humanity. Ford's only character traits are he loves 1950's memorabilia, he's a womanizer and he has a Brooklyn greaser parlance. On top of everything else, Andrew Dice Clay's lines are mostly shock and insult comedy, which got really old really fast. Another problem may be Renny Harlin's cinematic eye, which clearly has a forte on action and suspense rather than comedy. Because the two genres conflict each other on every scene, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane loses interest in humanity and has little time to develop other characters. To conclude, Ford Fairlane isn't funny because he's an archetype of other funny jerks, with little substance and no intelligence within him. It especially doesn't work because of the director's mistranslation of Clay's stand up. (1 ½ Noosed Koalas out of 5)
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)
Strangest Star Trek movie I've seen
Star Trek has been considered a phenomenal zeitgeist series, producing a stream of hit-or-miss movies within a 50-year lifespan. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, on the other hand, is one of those misses, done by the warped mindset of Captain James T. Kirk himself, William Shatner. The movie involves the Starship Enterprise crew who deal with Sybok (Laurence Luckinbill), the Vulcan half-brother of Dr. Spock (Leonard Nimoy), who hijacks the ship over a quest to find God at The Great Barrier. I don't know about you, but the idea of God existing in space seems so beyond bizarre and far-fetched that you swear it reads like a ten-year-old would write on fanfiction.net, and somehow got millions of dollars to adapt to the big screen. In fact, I take that back, ten-year-olds watch sci-fi shows, so even they would have better knowledge of the franchise than the Star Trek veteran. Also, how many minor characters can you have in the first half of your movie and then completely abandon for the rest of it? It's almost as if Shatner started with a decent scenario and jumped ship near the next scene and decided to focus on other characters and whisk away these superfluous individuals. Furthermore, the strangest, silliest, and most absurd running gag in the Star Trek series is the one where Spock fails to recognize the lyrics to "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Talk about a childish moment in an equally shark-jumping plot, this joke came sporadically out of nowhere and led to a laughably lackluster payoff in the end. The Final Frontier, while not the worst of the Star Trek movies, meanders into weird territory and lacks the energy and emotional stakes of the rest of the series. (2 Three-Breasted Cat Strippers out of 5)