iamMarkPrice Reviews

Damsel (2024)

Irredeemable trash

[2/10 · 22 March 2024]

Damsel tells the story of Elodie Bayford, whose debt ridden parents, Lord and Lady Bayford, sell Elodie to a wealthy king and queen in need of a girl to sacrifice to their dragon. Will Elodie survive the ordeal? You already know the answer.

If you were hoping for a cool new action packed take on a fairytale classic, you should prepare yourself that you won't find it here. This is a slow, tedious film lacking self awareness and mared by disingenuous filler dialogue. Thick with cliches, the writing by Dan Mazeau feels as though it were crowd sourced from a group of dyslexic 1st graders. This reviewer has had to sit through some truly terrible films in his time, as I'm sure you have too, and Damsel is definitely up there amongst the worst of them. The plot is hollow, only progressed by a seemingly endless supply of MacGuffins which allow Elodie (Millie Bobby Brown) to do things no other character is capable of.

It would seem as though Mazeau attempted to deploy the heros journey story arc here, yet attempted to take a shortcut. Seasoned movie goers will be familiar with the growth, failure and redemption process associated with the heros journey, essential devices for making ones lead characters relatable and creating depth. Mazeau skips this, immediately equipping Elodie with the ability to effortlessly overcome each and every obstacle she encounters no matter how steep or unbelievable. What we get are one dimensional characters destitute of any development. Absent any stakes or danger, there is no reason for the audience to care. The outcome is clear from the beginning, and it's a straight line to the finish line.

Unfortunately the story gets worse from there. The men of Damsel are weak and impotent, constantly lead around by the women, and crumbling at the slightest hint of danger. Regardless of their weapons and armour, they consistently in a state of panic. Where Elodie manages to run and escape, the men in identical manner, are never so lucky. It is not missed either that all the main male characters betray the women in their lives. Combined, a strong anti-men theme arises, with the suggestion being that men are something for women to shed and overcome.

With a noteable cameo from what appears to be the Burger King, King, casting is on par with that of your local amateur theatre company. Indeed casting, set decoration and cinematography work together in many scenes to create a feeling as though one is live watching a local theatre production. It's a shambles. Those scenes which don't fall to this fate are steeped in CGI, and the bad distracting kind at that. However, perhaps the worst casting decision of them all was in the lead character, played by Millie Bobby Brown, who demonstrates once again her distinct lack of talent. It is difficult to understand at this stage how she continues to be suceed in acquiring roles.

Damsel is a film devoid of both authenticity and value, making it difficult to recommend anyone watch it. The film brings nothing to the screen nor the lives of its audience. It's only voice appears to be detached from reality, simultaneously ranting about hating all men and presenting women as better than. Far left ideologues will be pleased by the emphasis on DEI casting over common sense storytelling, but it will leave everyone else struggling to understand why...

Five Nights at Freddy's (2023)

Freddy has an identity crisis

[2/10 · 22 December 2023]

If you were a tween in the 2010s, you are no doubt excited to see this beloved horror franchise leap from your PC to the big screen as the latest nostalgia film eager to cynically part you from your money. Traditionally, translating video games into movies is not an easy task. It requires immense love, creativity and time from someone who truly understands and respects the source material. You, as a fan of this franchise are hoping that due care was taken to craft a faithful experience worthy of your nostalgia dollars. I would love to say that's exactly what this film is, that it brings to life all those memories from your childhood with the nurturing warmth they deserve. I wish I could say this is a new horror icon. Unfortunately I can not.

Far from the care necessary to produce a coherent rendition of the jump scare laden franchise, this is a film unsure of what it wants to be, what it is about or how it should get there. The writing is careless to the point of becoming disrespectful to the very nostalgia they used to draw you in. What we get is a film that is hard to justify as a Five Nights at Freddy's film devoid of any jump scares, instead manicly switching between genres and themes in some kind of existential identity crisis. It's sometimes a family drama about a child custody battle, before it switches into a sci-fi dreamscape nior about a lost brother, a gritty romance, a coming of age story and even a heist movie. Sometimes it happens to be set in Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, but that is only for a third or less of the film. It does contain Freddy and his band of ghoulish friends, but they mostly just stand around like easter eggs in the background of another movie.

Little in Five Nights at Freddy's makes sense, starting with its title, since lead character Mike only spends three nights in the building. The events which take place have no consequences, in the films universe as if they were in a 90s sitcom that resets after every episode. Crimes are committed, but nobody cares or remembers. Conversations are had, that are immediately forgotten. The characters have unrealistic and unconvincing conversations that betray the film's low-quality writing. Nobody does their job and it does not matter. Five Nights at Freddy's is a movie adaptation disaster lacking in even the most basic of stakes or reason for the audience to care.

What about fun, you may ask. Surely, Five Nights at Freddy's compensates for its lack of coherence with some humorous and self-referential fun. Well, you are out of luck there too. The film wastes so much time switching between its multiple identities that the characters end up doing nothing but talking in disconnected monologues passed each other or sleeping for most of the film. When a horror franchise devotes more time to watching a character sleep than to anything resembling action, you know you have wasted your money.

As Scott Cawthon, the creator of this franchise, I would feel outraged by the way writer/director Emma Tammi has ruined this IP. It is not hard to envision legal action coming soon, the film is just that terrible. Five Nights at Freddy's reminds us after a decade of Marvel comic film adoptions, that if you want something done properly you have to do it yourself.

Clinic (2023)

Clinic: A Film Lost in Ambition and Short on Substance

[1/10 · 10 November 2023]

Meet Lisa. She had a difficult childhood due to the bullying she received for her body shape, particularly her lack of a prominent buttocks. Naturally, this caused Lisa to grow up to exhibit her body for strangers as a stripper. Lisa struggles as an exotic dancer to make even a quarter of the income the other strippers make because of her perceived derriere deficiencies.

Now meet Malcom. As final year medical student (who apparently doesn't have to do a medical internship like real doctors do) his contrast and incompatibility with Lisa couldn't be more stark. He is on the verge of completing his studies, preparing for his final exam a couple of days away. He's also Lisa's boyfriend. Yes really, we are asked to believe pole dancer Lisa has a medical student boyfriend moments away from becoming a doctor. Malcom loves Lisa and is happy to support her in showing her body to strangers for money, displaying no signs of shame or concern in her chosen career. But, no pun intended, what Malcom really wants to do is support Lisa financially.

Lisa becomes frustrated however with the idea of waiting a few more weeks for Malcom to graduate and secure a stable job. Feeling dissatisfied with her earnings compared to other strippers, she impulsively decides to spend $25,000 on surgery, with hopes of improving her future prospects. Surprisingly, instead of pursuing an education or addressing other pressing flaws, Lisa's focus is solely on enhancing her buttocks. However, Lisa's plans are blocked when the very first surgeon she consults declines to perform the operation. As it turns out, Lisa is no stranger to the fact that she possesses a "rare" disorder that impacts her blood clotting factor, creating an unsatisfactory level of medical risk when it comes to undergoing cosmetic surgery. A fact that probably should have been discussed before that moment, and likely would have negatively influenced Lisa's view of unnecessary elective surgeries.

Driven by desperation, Lisa decides a back alley surgery is her only option, and so with Malcoms full support, predictably there are disastrous consequences.

There is that period in every aspiring filmmakers career where they only manage to produce cringe-worthy embarrassment. For writer/directors Aleshia Cowser-Jackson and Aaron Tyson, "Clinic" is right at the commencement of that period. As a no-budget production, the film ambitiously tackles themes outside the reach of the creators in terms of both skill and insight, resulting in a film lacking both depth and substance.

The film suffers from an inadequacy of thorough research for its script, resulting in an overall feeling of emptiness that permeates every aspect of the production. The set design lacks purpose, stripping away any remaining depth the film may have mustered. Scenes often lack coherence and fail to establish a proper foundation, disregarding industry-specific procedure and norms (particularly those related to healthcare), as well as realistic human behavior and reactions. Characters are flat and one dimensional, almost exclusively acting irrationally and without clear motivation.

There is a distinct absence of character development and progression in "Clinic", and so there are no stakes. No one learns anything, nothing is truly at risk, leaving the audience with little reason to become emotionally invested. The state of generally poor acting from the entire cast further contributes to this issue. Particularly abysmal performances by Rayyaan Jameel and Barry Piacente stand out as red flags to stop watching. Many of the characters seem to serve no purpose in the story, leaving this reviewer questioning their existence. Darla (Roxzane T. Mims) is the perfect example, her only actions and dialogue revolve around using the bathroom, drinking coffee and eating her food "before it gets cold" with no contribution to the story.

The cinematography in the film gives the impression of being captured on an iPhone, although that might not be the actual case. The camera shakes, rattles and rolls with handheld shots that fluctuate between being too close or too distant. Similarly, the lighting is a victim of inconsistency, frequently rendering characters dimly lit without taking into account their skintones and the background, resulting in instances where they are unintentionally reduced to mere silhouettes. In fact, the main clinic scenes are so inadequately lit that it becomes difficult to comprehend how any character could enter without anticipating dire outcomes.

Editing of the film also suffers from a lack of motivation, often feeling amateurish and disconnected from the narrative. Dr. Allen (Shavonia Jones) is a homocidal maniac. Giving her a fleeting explained melancholic backstory does not change this and certainly does not equate to a meaningful plot twist. Ultimately "Clinic" is an amateurish husk of a film which lacks surprise, memorable moments or reason for its audience to care. No sane person acting honestly and without familiar bias would rate "Clinic" highly nor recommend anyone watch it. Instead, it feels like a project that a filmmaker might keep for personal reflection and learning, not as something to be inflicted on others. If there existed the possibility to assign a rating lower than one star to this film, I strongly believe it would be my obligation in honesty to exercise that choice. I wholeheartedly advise against watching this movie, as the moments spent on it are irretrievable and offer no value in return.

No One Will Save You (2023)

A great movie to fall asleep

[2/10 · 2 October 2023]

It's a lazy Sunday afternoon with nothing to do. You want to take a nap, but you feel like you need a little extra help to get off to slumber land. What you need is a movie so tedious, so empty, such a pretentious waste of time that anyone even made it, that you don't care what happens. Enter Brian Duffields latest misadventure "No One Will Save You", the perfect film to fall asleep to.

It's background noise to help you fall asleep. But I can't sleep with people talking you might say. Worry not dear reader, there are only two words of whispered dialogue in the entire 93 minute runtime. In a win for neurodiversity, the majority of the film involves Kaitlyn Dever behaving like a non-verbal autistic opposite YouTube quality poorly rendered CGI aliens. A part she plays exceptionally well one might add, with a conviction and passion that will be celebrated by such a community. The way Kaitlyn grunts, screams and cries are a revelation. Kirk Lazarus may have some advice for young Dever and her agent about her breakthrough performance for the neurodiverse everywhere. But it's 2023 so I'm not sure.

You won't be distracted from sleep by things like plot either. What vague plot can be scraped together, should you make the mistake of forcing yourself awake throughout the entire film, is more like a group of feelings expressed via an out of control music video that was allowed far too much leeway in the cutting room.

It's PG rating was an easy get, there is absolutely no horror here. Indeed with minor tweaks No One Will Save You could easily get a G rating. Suitable for the whole family to nap together. One suspects that Duffield was aware of the snoozer he was creating as he was even good enough to essentially repeat scenes incase you missed them earlier while dozing. How thoughtful.

I'm going to be frank with you, this was not the kind of movie people should be spending money on. Not patrons, not distributors and certainly not producers. It is nothing like the trailer suggests. There's all this talk about it being a home invasion/alien invasion film, and whilst there were definitely aliens I'm still waiting for the invasion. The trailer gives you as much invasion as the film gives. Literally, just those specific scenes, no more. The rest of the film feels more like the weird side of YouTube mixed with a meme.

From a technical aspect these are some of the dumbest aliens to ever be on screen. Somehow they can manage to figure out the intricacies of intergalactic space travel, but how to get out of a car with it's doors open eludes them. It's the kind of stupid one gets the impression Duffield feels his audience is.

Nefarious (2023)

An acquired taste intended for a Christian audience

[5/10 · 10 June 2023]

Two men sit in a room having a conversation., and the choices they make will have permanent consequences on both of their lives. Unfortunately for them, you very likely won't care.

Nefarious does a lot with very little. There are no grand sets, expensive special effects or extravagant casts of extras here. This is minimalist film which still manages to keep your attention. Writer/Director duo Chuck Konzelman and Cary Solomon are in their element with these kinds of low budget minimalist films. The quality of their work only makes it that much more of a shame that this, like their other works is aimed at a Christian market. Make no mistake this is no supernatural horror film, Nefarious is gospel horror delivered thick and fast from the pulpit.

There won't be blood, or even jump scares. There will be plenty of attempted arguments for why you should go to church on Sunday however. Nefarious is the kind of film one can imagine christian parents might put on at a sleepover for their good little Christian teens, while mummy and daddy go watch Glen Beck, whom also makes an appearance in Nefarious.

Performance of Nefarious by Sean Patrick Flanery (The Boondock Saints) is passable, if not a little lost in the woods and overly tame at times. One has to wonder if Flanery really understood his character, flipping between somewhat normal speech/mannerisms and those of a toddler even though that makes little sense.

Jordan Belfi does a better job portraying Dr James Martin, with his pompous and smug demeanor coming off as almost his natural state. Unfortunately the quality of his performance can not be maintained towards the end of the film when asked to play humble.

Both however do a good enough job overall to sell their characters to the audience and suspend disbelief.

Cinematography by Jason Head is complemented by the camera work of Jade Amber and Jon Blaze. This is really solid work and the stand out of the film. Editing by Brian Jeremiah Smith is well put together to keep the film driving forward and capturing emotion. Overall Nefarious is a film with all the right ingredients and had the potential to be a fantastic experience for a wide audience. It just chose to go in a different direction. For devout Christians this might be your movie of the year. For everyone else, the anti-intellectualism, preachiness and unjustifiable superiority complex may leave you with less favourable mixed emotions.

The Lair (2022)

Don't take your girlfriend to work

[3/10 · 8 May 2023]

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A protagonist finds themselves in hostile territory fighting for their life, only to stumble into the deserted lab of a mad scientist. During the battle, the scientists monster is set free and our protagonist finds themselves in a more hostile situation than they previously thought.

It's a trope older than shelly, and The Lair brings it nothing new. Co-written by and starring Charlotte Kirk (presumably because this is the only way she can find work) "The Lair" takes the monster B movie to new lows of unimaginative cliche. The writing is so abysmal here it makes syfy originals look like masterpieces. Not to be outdone by the writing, acting is equally terrible with Kirk herself taking the cake for worst one screen cast member. I know acting has been her dream since she was 11, but at some point she has to acknowledge she's just not any good at it and find a different line of work.

This disaster isn't all Kirk's fault however, with the bulk of the blame landing with co-writter, director and boyfriend Neil Marshall whom is careful to try to throw in a mix of his more commercially successful films to the script. Dog soldiers and the descent weren't al that great to begin with, but throw them together in a desert with an even smaller budget and Marshalls girlfriend and you've got The Lair.

You have seen this one before, and it absolutely was a version.

Character profiles (some of which are plain racism) are so one dimensional even the characters themselves couldn't stick to them. Forget character arcs, there are none. The script was so poorly researched they don't even follow chain of command. You've got Captains and Lieutenants following the lead of Sargents. US majors acting as if they have command over UK Captains. The unit has a full on doctor assigned to it, not a medic, whom appears to have no rank at all other than doctor. And of course all of this plays out in bits and bobs because the majority of the time is spent with everyone doing their own thing without any respect for chain of command whatsoever.

The happenings and decisions we see appear to occur merely to drive the plot forward and without any genuine motivation or internal logic. Dialogue is equally bad, with no natural speech taking place at any stage. Heck, characters by themselves sometimes start shouting out to characters out of ear shot as if they're in the same scene together.

The Lair is just a mess and is best avoided.

The 7 Lives of Lea (2022)

Worth your time

[7/10 · 4 August 2022]

Based on the short young adult novel "The 7 lives of Leo Belami" this Netflix series adaption tells the story of Lea; a 17 year old aimless and depressed girl too scared to try at life, yet unsure why she should exist without really living. When Lea finds a dead body whilst attempting to take her own life outdoors, she confronts her parents youth and the other players in their orbit.

Whilst attempting to unravel the mystery of how the man she found came to die, Lea finds strength within herself to try at life and become whole. What at first glance by some may appear to be just more Netflix woke themes, quickly unveil themselves to be a master class in the anti-woke. To pull this off Lea's character grows and sheds her fear, depression and malaise through struggle, slapstick hyperbole, and a hard dose of reality.

As Lea grows aware of the feelings of others, she is able to let go of her insecurities and unrealistic expectations to just live.

The 7 lives of Lea is a true coming of age story for anyone born after 1990, that just might change your world view for the better.

Alien Moon (2019 Video)

Paranoid delusions of a nobody

[1/10 · 25 July 2022]

This is not a documentary. This is paranoid stupidity caught on camera.

A parade of nonsense and it of out of context context quotes and outright false statements with the intention of convincing you of conspiracy delusions. The production quality of a low end conspiracy YouTube video to boot.

For some reason he keeps out of context referencing 20th century sci-fi writer Isaac Asimov. Genuine science is never discussed. That should tell you everything you need to know.

This guy would lose his mind if he ever looked through a telescope.

Assailant (2022)

Tedious

[2/10 · 23 July 2022]

When couples therapy fails, Zoe is thinking about divorcing her husband Jason because he works too many hours. The couple decide to go on holiday to give their marriage one last chance at rekindling their relationship. At a bar Jason meets Johnny Rico from Starship Troopers, only now he calls himself Michael and has an OCD obsession with the number 3 which often has to stretch to make any sense. He's also doing his best impression of Michael from Halloween.

I won't put much effort into this review because it's clear no one involved with this project or much effort into it either.

With the sole exception of Jeff Fahley the acting is terrible. Honourable mentions for Casper Van Dein and Poppy Delevingne whom tie for worst performances. I mean the silent extras do better jobs than these two. Van Dein is still doing his Johnny Rico bit and Delevingne appears to have gone to the same acting school as Paris Hilton.

The script comes across as if it were written by a high school student having their first experience with a camera. Speaking of the camera work is mediocre with weird lighting choices given the context. Cutaway B roll scenes regularly have little to no connection with the A roll scenes either side of them.

Pacing is slow, tedious and yet somehow manages to fail entirely to portray how much in movie time has passed. Every possible opportunity this film misses it. Don't waste your life watching it, you'll never forgive yourself if you do.

Firestarter (2022)

Worth a weekend watch.

[5/10 · 23 July 2022]

I'll start my review with what this movie is not. This is not a Michael Bay style wall to wall action and special effects film. It is not a straight to screen teleplay of the Stephen King book. It is not a faithful remake of the 1984 teleplay staring a young Drew Barrymore either. Given both were released almost 40 years ago, this movie isn't targeted at an audience whom as seen either. If you have, and you want a faithful recreation, turn away now this isn't the movie for you. If you haven't experienced either, or are capable of viewing this in the context of a standalone film inspired by but in no way faithful to the aforementioned, then read on.

Firestarter tells the story of Charlie, a prepubescent child struggling to make her way through life as an outsider with the challenges of constantly having to move and change schools. Charlie has no friends, but she does have plenty of bullies... and did I mention she also secretly has superpowers?

On the surface Firestarter is your standard and somewhat generic round em up, burn em down action thriller with little plot and only superficial character arcs. If you look a little closer however Firestarter has something to say, and whilst not everyone will agree with it's messages the conversation might just as well be worth having nonetheless.

It is worth pointing out that at it's core this is a film about feelings, about internal struggle and morality. About understanding the world through the eyes of someone else, and the consequences of not doing so. Think Brightburn. Necessarily, that means plenty of dialogue however what is there seems relatively organic for what it is.

Performances by Zac Efron and Sydney Lemmon are slightly off, sometimes drifting into the realms of the outright silly. This however seems to be on purpose, part of the deeper narrative the film is trying to discuss. Ryan Keira Armstrong puts in a strong child performance, perhaps highlighted all the more by its contrast to the hyperbolic performances by the adults.

Firestarter does a good job capturing feelings of adolescent angst and the awkwardness invoked as one approaches puberty. This coming of age story is heavy on symbolism.

If you've got a spare 94 minutes to kill on a weekend there are plenty of worse things one could do than spend them watching this film. You probably won't watch it a second time, but as long as you take this movie on it's own merits uncompared with it's predecessors you'll have a fun time.

Into the Dark: Treehouse (2019) Season 1, Episode 6

Junk

[1/10 · 20 May 2022]

Nonsensical trash. The other episodes before this were a bit clichè and predictable, but this episode takes it to a whole new level.

This film is a weird mix of incoherent rambling, cheap edgy nonsense and metoo through the eyes of the male writer of this episode trying desperately to appear to sympathise with women whilst not getting it at any point.

My wife got mad at me for having put this episode on and making us watch it to the end. In her words it was a complete waste of an evening.

Skip this episode, it's a total failure.

How It Ends (2021)

Socially Distanced

[3/10 · 25 April 2022]

Join Liza and her socially distanced younger self as they wander the streets of Hollywood finding closure in their regrets and meeting random strangers in the street all whilst maintaining an appropriate 1.5m distance at all times.

At its core "How It Ends" is an earnest attempt at telling a story about the importance of honest, unfettered connection with others, whilst featuring zero physical connection and blocking which makes scenes feel awkward and emotionally vacant.

The moment Liza makes the slightest superficial resolution with any of the other characters she immediately leaves. This creates a situation where the characters are one dimensional at best, and we can never really find anything to relate to or root for in Liza.

The camera work is basic yet sufficient. Expect to see a lot of the same shots repeated in scene after scene, but perhaps that's all a film of this calibre requires.

The film features plenty of juvenile situational comedy that regularly fails to land, in part because the scenes feel forced and insincere, whilst the film takes itself too seriously.

Ultimately this film is what happens when a bunch of C & D list celebrities are starved of attention because of the pandemic, and try to make something they think is deep (but no one else will). There is no substance here, however if you have some time you just have to waste you could choose worse than this.

So Cold the River (2022)

Pretenious & disjointed

[2/10 · 9 April 2022]

Anguishing over the mistakes of her past, once up and coming documentary great Erica Shaw (Bethany Joy Lenz) is now eking out an existence filming funerals and the occasional wedding. A self imposed atonement for a secret she longs to forget.

Suddenly forceful client Alyssa Bradford-Cohen (Alysia Reiner) bursts into Erica's apartment uninvited, but what she says next will reignite the psychic documentarian in Erica. Before she knows it, Erica has commited to finding out the truth about Alyssa's father Campbell Bradford (Michael J Rogers). Thus our story begins.

Relative newcomer writer/director Paul Shoulberg brings some solid ideas to the table in a film which had the potential to be a 6 star film.

Instead what we see is a disjointed film tormented by it's complete lack of identity and voice. A film which barely scrapes in as a 2 star and that no one in good conscious could genuinely recommend watching.

So Cold the River showcases through contrary example the importance of good editing in the filmmaking process in order to develop a story that fits inside your budget.

The decision to employ undisclosed supernatural forces in order to deliver a fragmented retrospective on which the entire plot relies is both the main contributor to the muddled feeling of the film and insulting to the viewer. This is only further compounded by their short repetitive nature and disconnect from the scenes in which they appear.

One sees what Shoulberg was attempting to achieve, however there simply was not enough retrospective content to fulfill the goal. What did exist lacked sufficient substance to sustain the viewers attention or progress the story. This made it impossible for the viewer to lose themselves in the world of the film and painfully obvious that a thoroughly predictable twist was coming. Why else would you keep showing the same short snippets if it wasn't because all you had left was a reveal.

Moreover, So Cold the River is a victim of a curious paradox; for at once it is both far too long and yet too short. Pacing is a problem for this film and it makes this film drag until the viewer is beaten into submission. Despite this, there is so little plot substance, character development and world building taking place that the film ends before anything has even really happened.

Frequently we find ourselves in situations, or meeting new characters for which the film suggests in the moment there is precence where none has actually appeared in the film. One can only then assume the establishing scenes are sitting on the proverbal cutting room floor.

Similarly a lack of establishing shots of the town and the fact the overwhelming majority of the film takes place inside Erica's hotel, make the world feel small with the viewer is left questioning if any town exists at all despite characters constantly referencing it. Is the hotel the town? We'll never know.

Bethany Joy Lenz delivers an acceptable performance, whilst performances by Katie Sarife, Deanna Dunagan and Andrew J. West are perhaps more modest.

Set dressing is often too dark, actively drawing life out of the performances. Costumes were adequate and occationally fun. There is some pops of depth and humour to be found if you're paying attention to these elements, however they are sparse and can not make up for the lack of overall story.

Ultimately a movie is more than just a couple of good ideas that you don't have the funding to give their due execution. That leaves So Cold the River with little for audiences to enjoy and no real story to follow. With some more time in the editing booth and perhaps a few extra scenes shot, this could be a compelling casual watch. But in its current state you will regret watching it, and hate yourself if you ignore this warning.

Moonfall (2022)

Worst film of the decade

[1/10 · 2 April 2022]

About 3/4 of the way through Michael Peña character sums this movie up succinctly "Ludicrous mode".

A combination of incoherent, anti-intellectual plot points, conspiracy ideas and abundant product placement, Tencent like Hasbro before it shows us how not to make a film.

Mediocre performances by Halle Berry and Patrick Wilson cement this as a solid payday film for both.

Photography is typical of any action film made in the last 20 years. Special effects are underwhelming, particularly the glaring CGI.

Dialogue is insincere, frequently reaching into the outright absurd. But perhaps the biggest downfall of this film is the reality that at its core this is a movie about physics that thoroughly misunderstands physics.

This film is an embarrassment not just to those involved, but to the audiences who watch it.

The Bunker Game (2022)

More drama than horror

[2/10 · 26 March 2022]

For years Laura (Gaia Weiss) has been working as an actor in an immersive interactive role play experience (LARPing) where patrons get to participate in extended historical reenactments or fictional scenarios.

Her hard work and devotion as an actor has paid off, she's just been cast in an exciting new role in New York. Laura plans to move there from Europe after this last reenactment job is finished. Laura's dreams just might be on the verge of coming true until she learns she's pregnant to her casual boyfriend, and boss, Gregorio (Lorenzo Richelmy).

Feeling trapped and resentful, Laura must choose between the career that's just taking off, and having the family she never wanted out of a sense of duty. Feeling trapped, Laura is haunted by nightmares of her identity slipping away into her unborn baby.

But when the power unexpectedly goes out and a fixture almost injures some patrons the LARPing event is forced to end early. Now with all of the patrons gone, the staff are left to clean up; but are they really alone down there, and where has Gregorio disappeared to anyway?

Developed by Manuela Cacciamani and director Roberto Zazzara, The Bunker Game comprises a premise which has all the potential to tell a compelling tale filled with subtext and deeply engaging plot lines. Instead the audience is disappointed with 95 minutes of confused and incoherent visual ramblings.

If one looks closely there are the remnants of a once clear voice struggling to come through in this film. Unfortunately The Bunker Game suffers from too many extra voices attempting to pile on after the fact; which only crowd the plot and smother that once clear voice.

The visuals of the films photography are competent although somewhat basic and a little vague. There are no frames throughout which could be genuinely considered more than utilitarian, with minor attempts at the cliched shots of others. Framing and blocking are both unremarkable, with neither doing much to serve the story.

Dialogue is disingenuous, made worse by stuttered performances across the cast, particularly Yasmine (Amina Smail) whose unnatural pauses and explosions of undue aggression function only to build an invisible wall between the audience and the film. In truth if there was any chemistry between the cast it did not survive the editting process. Real people do not talk to each other the way this script calls for.

Weiss' performance is of the extent we have come to know for other models whom feeling long in the tooth suddenly decided they might like to extend their career by giving acting a go. They all seem interchangeable at this point, right down to their invariable nude scene.

From Laura's cousin Harry (Mark Ryder) who thinks he'd be the better love interest to Laura, to edgy gender confused Robin (Felice Jankell) and neo-nazi Andrej (Tudor Istodor), all of the characters are reprehensible. When everyone is the "bad guy" the audience is left pondering whom they were intended to relate with.

But for all the complexity and political ideology this film drips with, what is mysteriously missing from The Bunker Game is anything which might reasonably invoke fear. Even simple jump scares are absent. In it's place we receive copious amounts of somewhat aimless walking, with perhaps 70% of this film just people tediously walking around for seemingly no coherent reason.

Ultimately this film had potential, so one hopes those involved do try again after taking honest feedback on board and spending more time polishing a single idea without overwhelming it. Skip this one, but keep an eye out for what comes next from Roberto Zazzara and Manuela Cacciamani.

Mother/Android (2021)

An insult to the viewer

[2/10 · 15 January 2022]

Every moment of this film is an exercise in absurdity that only gets more ridiculous as it goes on.

The plot was terrible, the casting was a series of mistakes with bland, poorly acted performances. The editing is choppy and there is no reason for you to pay attention for even a moment. Nothing is at stake, nothing matters.

This movie imagines it can dish out anything and you'll love it. It's an insult to all of us.

Photocopier (2021)

So powerful you must watch

[8/10 · 15 January 2022]

Wonderfully shot and expertly executed. Photocopier dives deep into the dark side of Indonesian culture and does not pull it's punches exploring treatment of women, mental illness and exploitation of the poor whilst overlaying with more universal thenes around friendship, trust, socioeconomic power dynamics and young adulthood.

Performances leap off the screen engaging the audience emotionally and holding one there throughout the duration. Pacing and in the edit is well thought out.

Everyone involved in this film should be thoroughly proud. We want to see more stories of this calibre on our screens.

Don't Look Up (2021)

Anti-Intellectual Trash

[3/10 · 25 December 2021]

Are you the kind of person who thought the lazy jokes of Anchorman passed for satire? Did you think The Other Guys was an intellectual masterpiece? Did you ever crave ideological commentary on US politics from the director of Step-Brothers? If you answered yes to all of these questions, Adam Mckay's Don't Look Up is the movie you've been waiting for.

Don't Look Up started with a promising core concept, two scientists discover a comet heading towards earth and attempt to tell people about it. The potential, if handled correctly, was there to make a really great film. Unfortunately they delivered something akin to The Interview (2014)

Don't Look Up is 138 minutes of Adam McKay trying to seem funnier and smarter than he actually is. It's 2 hours and 18 minutes of a poor attempt at satire topped by endless factual errors, empty disingenious characters and political ideology rammed down the viewers throat. That's not to mention the incessant insistence that yankville is both the only country on the planet and the country that all other countries look to and listen to. It's 2021, we're more connected than ever before who is still buying into this junk?

Imagine Deep Impact (1998) mixed with Armageddon (1998) but all the characters are written for Will Ferrell. Imagine if people were calling Super Bad an intellectual satire. That's what's going on here

This movie is a cold, clear demonstration that Adam McKay has never even sat in the same room as a genuine scientist let alone spoken to an actual astronomy professor. There's sciency sounding lines at times, a few vague yet inappropriately referenced scientific terms in the kind of phrasing you're more likely to hear on social media than in science.

All the scientists in this movie are meek. They lack self confidence and decorum. Despite working for a university, and one of them working for NASA, instead of publishing their data publicly to the scientific community (as any scientist would) they ago about trying to get on a lifestyle TV show. Apparently there aren't even any real news programs for them to go on. NASA never gets involved in the situation.

There's some weird running joke about supreme court judges until suddenly it's over and we never hear about that character again. But look over here, we introduced a new character (parody Elon Musk) so forget about that other character we'll never reference again.

Performances were universally weak, even for the actors in question. Camera work was clear but undaring. Editing was slow and sloppy.

The only kinds of people who think this movie is intellectual, aren't. Don't Look Up it anti-intellectual at every step, even at times briefly crossing into the territory of pushing conspiracy ideas. That a movie of this calibre could receive a 7.4 rating on IMDB makes me truly weep for humanity. How did we allow so many of us to be dumbed down like this? If you're rating this movie higher than a 5, or thought it was an intelligent movie; you're the kind of person idiocracy (2006) warned us about.

Somehow this garbage won "movie of the year" at the AFI awards. That boggles my mind.

Invasion (2021–2024)

ADHD TV in the dark

[3/10 · 16 December 2021]

Invasion is a dark show. Like literally dark, so many of the scenes are so dark they're unwatchable. Not that anything happens in them anyway.

I guess thqe best way to describe Invasion is like a skit show. Every scene is an anticlimactic self contained nonsense where they think they're leaving it on a cliff hanger but they're not. Just imagine every 2 minutes or so, there's a cliff hanger no one asked for and the story changes to different characters doing different things.

Now the character stories are supposed to line up across scenes but just like a skit show they don't.

You can safely start at episode 4 and not have missed anything. You might even enjoy the show more because it isn't wasting as much of your time.

No character has a scene long enough to develop a self of being real, of living or being relatable.

This show is best for falling asleep to, not much else.

Ares (2020)

Woke junk

[1/10 · 4 December 2021]

This review contains spoilers, all of them. Despite that fact I would urge you to continue reading. Normally I would strive to avoid spoilers in a review but Ares is so outrageous that they need to be included to provide context.

Ares starts out fine as a monster in my basement secret society thriller. If it stuck to that path this would be an entirely different review. Unfortunately by episode 6 it's transparently woke, which culminates in episode 8 where it goes full Tugg Speedman.

Here come the spoilers. According to Ares, the monster is white people. The entire series was about colonialism and focuses exclusively on black verse white people.

It's clear message is that white people should feel so guilty about it that they should commit ...

I am honestly shocked this series is on Netflix. It should be pulled, and never allowed to be screened again. It is utter trash that wants division in society, not unity.

Elves (2021)

Some shows just shouldn't be made

[3/10 · 4 December 2021]

Nisser (Elves) suffers from the same problem a lot of productions big and small do these days. Poor writing. The script that went to production was little more than an unfleshed initial draft.

That's a shame because the high level plot elements had potential, Elves just needed a better story and a lot more polish to bring them together.

The acting was fine given the script and budget category this series was dealing with. With a script this undercooked any level of acting is going to appear to some as bad. But it's not the acting, it's the script.

There is no character depth. No character is relatable even superficially. There's not even any consistency in how characters behave or react to the scene around them. Everything that happens, happens merely for the sake of driving the plot forward, with no concern given to how illogical, irrational, inauthentic or absurd dialogue, actions or events have to get in order to achieve that goal.

Elves is like starting out with a crossword puzzle and trying to turn it into a brick house.

The puppets themselves were well done, but the puppet work in comparison to the skin work is inconsistent. Where puppets move in a disjointed unnatural manner, the actors doing skin work don't even make the slightest attempt to replicate that movement style. The result is a confused presentation which sucks the viewer from any potential disbelief they might have otherwise mustered.

Then you throw in the inappropriate childishness. Often it feels like trying to make Friday the 13th using the actors and puppets from sesame street.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)

At its core a movie about domestic violence

[2/10 · 2 December 2021]

Should have been called "Shang-Chi and his sister fight with their dad, then a little bit of other stuff happens". I mean sure that seems a long title but it's only 5 words longer than the mouthful they went with.

Those 14 words sum the plot up accurately and perhaps more importantly entirely. Don't go into this expecting anything beyond those 14 words. You won't find it. Instead you'll find a hollow movie, with needless use of subtitled mandarin and not a single original concept anywhere.

If this were a stand alone movie not trying to link itself in with a broader universe it would have had the freedom of better writing.

Instead we get something that makes snakes on a plane look like an in-depth drama. This is not a good movie and the presence of Chinese capital funding it's creation is everywhere.

Black Friday (III) (2021)

A fun little B movie

[6/10 · 26 November 2021]

If you're after a fun little holiday thrill with some laughs thrown in, Black Friday might be the movie for you.

Sure there's no character development, and the plot gets a little ridiculous at times but you aren't watching a B movie for character development of academy award level writing.

Black Friday doesn't take itself too seriously, and neither should you. For a small budget movie the skin work is great.

It was great to see Devon Sawas (Final Destination) all grown up and Bruce Campbell is funny as ever.

When trying to imagine Black, Friday, think Netflix comedy Superstore, if the store was attacked by aliens.

Old (2021)

...More shyamalame trash

[2/10 · 30 October 2021]

Some people win trips to a resort, the resort sends them to a beach that makes them age. Now imagine the hackiest most cliche happenings and the lamest, most obvious "twists" (if you can call them that) you can come up with.

Congratulations, you now know the entire plot to Old,so much so that I have to mark this as containing spoilers because that's theq entire movie there. I just saved you getting older watching this trash in two paragraphs.

This movie has nothing enjoyable about it. It's not smart. It's not insightful. It's got nothing original to say.

Just a Megalodon behind the camera without any real talent. Don't waste your time on this garbage.

The One You're With (2021)

Great concept...

[3/10 · 16 October 2021]

...atrocious execution.

The one you're with tell the story of a man and a woman who get stuck living together after a first date when a national state of emergency strikes. It's a concept with so much space to move, huge potential and high release date relevance. It's the kind of concept that should have made it an instant cult classic.

Unfortunately the way the female lead was written can only have someone conclude C. Bailey Werner (aka Chad Werner) has never actually spent any real, quality time with a woman. Every interaction between the characters is disingenuous in the most tedious of ways.

Characters have a tendency to change their personalities completely from scene to scene, and there are no consequences from negative interactions in previous scenes. This creates inconsistent, unrealistic characters that are impossible to relate to, and zero stakes to invest the viewer in.

The one you're with, is a movie that tries way to hard instead of just being itself. The woke jokes are clumsy or worse go completely unnoticed.

A complete waste of your time, and an insult to everyone. Give this one a miss.