olsonjoshuajohn Reviews

Monster (2022– )

Who's to blame? Not Jeff!

[3/10 · 15 November 2022]

This would have been fine as a single episode. The very first episode could have been a neat little stand alone short film, but this is Netflix after all...

We go from "Jeff's" (very rarely Jeffrey, we're not so formal with our new pal Jeff) arrest, to Jeff's past, where guess what? He was picked on and excluded, felt uncomfortable about his desires (because of his dad of course). Man I really feel bad for poor Jeff. Just look how he cries after killing that 18 year old boy, poor poor Jeff.

That's the overwhelming theme of the series. It could be called Lionel Dahmer holds himself responsible for everything that Jeffrey Dahmer did, and we tend to agree.

That's the main point. Jeff was a victim of his parents and society at large. The people he murdered were victims of the police. Great work Netflix.

Halloween Ends (2022)

4 is generous (spoilers, like it matters, lol)

[4/10 · 11 November 2022]

This is just really, really unfortunate. The intro was a cool idea, but hitching it to Halloween... I don't know. What we have is a story of forbidden (unpopular?) love, and a guy who Michael inexplicably partners with. I mean, wow, it's really hard to get across how sad this made me. It really just has to be felt, so you'll have to watch it for yourself to really know.

The negatives could be spoken on for hours, but I for one have to wonder just how small is Haddonfield and is there no town large enough to afford a transplant relative anonymity nearby? Ya know so kids being changed by the "evil" that has infected Haddonfield could get out but still see the fam on holidays? Nope, no one thinks of that. Just stay there, be hated, degraded, and humiliated... it'll all be worth it when you get yourself a girl willing to turn on her last living relative for you after three days, one of which ended with you screaming at the girl in self-pity and storming off. On top of that Michael Myers will partner with you for a couple kills and then just as quickly turn on you.

Really, that's where were at with this franchise. And the thing about the "evil" infecting Haddonfield, that's not me. That's the writers. What a gem, absolute diamond.

Like I said, the 4 was generous. Like when you see an ex, and they've gained 100 pounds, they look miserable and half-dead. You're embarrassed to have ever known them, but you still give that weak smile and wave, cuz once upon a time... That's this movie.

PS... thought til I looked on here that the bully kid was Michael Imperioli's son... tell me that ain't 18 year-old Chrissy.

Alone with You (2021)

Getcha cliches he-ah!

[2/10 · 30 September 2022]

Alone With You is a film that makes you wonder how anything could be so filled with cliches. Are the creators that bad, or are they just ignorant and believe that the cliches they have assembled together here are innovations?

The standard isolation paranoid being driven mad cliches are all in place. Mysterious voices. Friends and associates manifesting bizarre behavior. And of course the concluding spiral to the revelation of the hidden guilt/fear.

Well these types of films can be enjoyable, (A Fantastic Fear of Everything starring Simon Pegg and the Wolf hour starring Naomi Watts come to mind) this feels like somebody lifelessly filled out a checklist while writing the script.

On the positive side there are a few nice shots that have no context or really place in the story in any way. They feel more like the director saying "look at my eye". And again, nice not beautiful. The lead performance isn't offensive but it doesn't stand out. They also managed to get an appearance from B-movie queen Barbara Crampton, which was legitimately a Skype call.

And that's about it for the positives. Negatives would be a severe lack of story, coherence, or originality. Also a 5-minute call from a drunk friend at a club. Yes it lasts for 5 wonderful exposition laden minutes. Yet somehow after taking the time for that in an 83 minute run time they managed to rush the ending, if you could even call it that.

This thing is a piece of crap. I watched it so that you wouldn't have to so don't.

Malcolm in the Middle: Hal Sleepwalks (2005) Season 6, Episode 7

Poor Dewey

[8/10 · 21 June 2022]

One of the saddest moments in the series to me is when the family (including Dewey) sits down to hear Malcolm's terrible song. I like that Dewey as expected gets a good burn on Malcolm, but damn, after no one cared that he won a national recital, that's cold.

Dexter: New Blood (2021–2022)

Lol... 8.2

[3/10 · 16 May 2022]

Apparently people have no standards anymore. This is one of the worst written shows I've ever seen. Rather than finishing I watched a synopsis and yeah, sadly it gets worse. I loved the trail cams that stopped being a factor after they qere used as a plot device. Also don't you know that every small town has an unlockes, unmonitored incinerator running 24/7? You can also afford a cabin in the woods and a fully restored 90s F-150 working as a clerk at a sporting goods store. Good stuff writers. Always good to have writers that have attended college and done nothing else. Keep it up!

Starry Eyes (2014)

Too Theme Driven for its Own Good

[6/10 · 21 January 2021]

Starry Eyes is a fun and titillating little movie. The lead performance is excellent and many of the supporting roles are strong as well. I was pulled into Sarah's world quickly and became almost immediately empathetic to her plight and desperation. She is a good character.

Unfortunately the script doesn't choose to develop her so much as radically transform her. The sensible, plot driven first two acts are followed by a third act that is very much a jagged edge on the package. I understand the need for symbolism, themes, and underlying messages in the cinematic arts. And believe me, you'll get the message, it's about as subtle as a baseball bat to the spine.

You should watch this movie, it's good as a whole and has moments of greatness. But a lack of cohesion keeps it from being the classic it has the potential to be and that is a direct result of the screenwriter wanting to drive home a point (again, well done, I can't miss it sir) but not properly setting up the pay off.

Worth 90 minutes of your life, but don't expect it to blow you away.

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)

The Worst by Far

[4/10 · 8 August 2020]

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare is by far the worst of the NOES series. The acting is pathetic, the casting is terrible, seriously, teenage John Doe has a receding hairline and makes Steve Guttenberg look like Laurence Olivier.

The script is a non-veiled ripoff of NOES 3, with teens in a home for troubled youth being a large part of the focus and a doctor who is unafraid to experiment with unconventional therapies involving dreams.

Even Freddy's puns and fall flat for the most part. I mean Robert Englund is phenomenal as always, but he only had so much to work with when the script sucks, his fellow cast members suck, etc...

By the time Breckin Meyer is bouncing around like a pogo stick you'll be considering whether this piece of crap is worth the last 45 minutes. Hey, you made it that far, so why not?

As hard as I am on this movie, it has a couple of high points, I did enjoy then couple Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr's cameo, and a cameo from Alice Cooper as Freddy's stepfather. The Carlos kill was pretty good too. And the end credits have a highlight reel of Freddy's greatest hits. But it's pretty sad when the end credits are the high point of the finale of a film series that created one of the all time icons of horror.

I love the rest of the films in the series proper. I also greatly enjoyed New Nightmare. But this... watch it for the sake of completion, just don't expect much. Hey, it's still better than the Jackie Earle Haley reboot.

Blood Quantum (2019)

So uneven...

[6/10 · 29 July 2020]

The first act of this movie is amazing. It had me thinking that we were in cult classic territory. And then the brakes were applied, hard... the entire second act was an exercise in boredom with some preachiness sprinkled in for seasoning.

The third act opens with a bang and I'm thinking, we're back, redemption time... alas it was not to be, like a microcosm of acts 1 and 2, the brakes are applied and we slow everything down once more and the film meanders to a nonsensical ending.

This is a shame because the potential is clearly there... but every time momentum is built the creators opted to let things simmer down. Now maybe this would have been acceptable if the writing, characters, etc... could stand on their own, but they can't. Characters and story are very poorly developed and you aren't going to end up caring about any of them.

Something that I did enjoy was that our de facto protagonist didn't adhere to the collected, calm, and cool Indian stoic stereotype. It's clear early on that the guy is a wreck and it makes him quite likeable. So kudos for that.

In the end it's worth a watch... when it's good, it's great. Just a shame that the creative team couldn't hit that note consistently.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Shades of Gray (1989) Season 2, Episode 22

There is never an excuse for a clip show...

[1/10 · 18 June 2020]

They shouldn't be made or watched. Networks should be able to sue studios for breach of contract over clip shows.

The Blackcoat's Daughter (I) (2015)

Too much to ask...

[3/10 · 1 May 2020]

This could be an average to good slow burn horror. Coulda, woulda, shoulda... unfortunately the creators use the cheapest of cheap gimmicks to advance the story and setup the payoff. Major spoiler... Emma Roberts is eight years older than Kiernan Shipka, who we can speculate is supposed to be 18 years old in the film... so somehow in a few years she's going to turn into Emma Roberts? This isn't like a little kid playing a character that gets picked up by an adult actress, this is two fully developed women portraying the same character a few years apart. It's stupid, it's lazy, and you should never watch another film by the people involved with this creative team. The only reason it gets a three is that it was competently produced and edited and the performers all pulled their weight, but really, the stupid "twist" is unforgivable.

The Office: The Banker (2010) Season 6, Episode 14

Clip show! Can be skipped.

[1/10 · 29 March 2020]

This is a clip show with a few minutes of original footage. You can safely skip this one.

Black Magic (1949)

Counterpoint...

[5/10 · 23 February 2019]

I see a lot of praise heaped on this is some of the other reviews and I have to wonder how much of that is based on the idea that Welles was frequently behind the camera and taking the lead.

That is the case and it often shows. Welles style and eye can be seenbat several points during the film. Unfortunately this in and of itself does not ultimately make this a good film. It is very much a product of the assembly line era that it came from.

Take out Welles contributions which in certain scenes give us great shots and what you have is a completely forgettable period piece with a convoluted story that overstays its welcome in terms of length. The film feels too long, yet does not do enough with its running time. Here is Cagliostro the boy, here is Cagliostro the man, here is Cagliostro the toast of high society... all in the blink of an eye, with the only exculpatories being some montages of mass healings. Poor and rushed storytelling, only to hurry up and wait when Cagliostro happens upon the man whom he has sworn to never forget, and the rather tedious and drug out revenge plot takes over.

Nothing I say will stop anybody from watching this, and that's a good thing, you should watch it. It is an interesting bit of the Orson lore, but don't expect the "lost classic" or a "hidden masterpiece". It is neither of those things.

The Devil's Candy (2015)

Worth a single viewing.

[7/10 · 22 February 2019]

The Devil's Candy is a solid if unoriginal horror film. The cast portraying the family is solid and Tubby McBeady Eyes is as usual an excellent mentally disturbed creep. Overall well executed, could have been an eight but I had to knock a point of for straining our credulity. Obvious and massive plot holes which cannot be filled are relied upon to fill the narrative.

Fat weirdo in rural area snuck into our daughter's bed and tried to kidnap her... Police... hmmm... couldn't possibly be connected to fat weirdo staying in seedy motel who had a police contact a day ago, or missing kids in same rural area. No need to check it out.

Yeah, a bit of a stretch, but in the end I was entertained as well as horrified. Don't bother to scrutinize, you'll enjoy it less.

It Comes at Night (2017)

Paranoia, fear, nightmares...

[8/10 · 20 February 2019]

Some of the obvious things that come at night in this film are listed above. This film is a fantastic study of paranoia, isolation, and an utter lack of hope.

It clearly went over quite a few heads, and that's okay. Some people need film to be constantly linear, with undeveloped characters taking one action after another in a drudging serialism until an ending is reached that answers all of their questions real tidy. If you are one of those, don't bother with this film, the next quarter billion dollar Avengers movie is just around the corner.

However, if you can appreciate pacing, subtlety, and a filmmaker who respects you enough to allow you to dwell on the ending and maybe even come up with your own answers, dig in. This is a great movie for non-idiots.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017)

Piece of crap

[3/10 · 16 February 2019]

Between the non-stop absurdities of the story, the constant tonal shifts, and the epileptic screenplay there's not much good to say about this movie. Oh and Francis McDormand won a legacy and nepotism Oscar, apparently for having won an Oscar before and being married to a Cohen. Her performance was carried out competently enough, but the character was a cardboard cut out of an archetype that was stale in 1940, so... yeah, not sure how it beat the brilliance of both Margot Robbie and Saoirse Ronan. Then I remember how incestuous and meaningless the Oscars have become. Watch this movie only if you want to see how much contempt Hollywood has for you and how wrong critics often are.

Surrogates (2009)

Uncredited use of David Brin's concept

[5/10 · 26 January 2019]

This is a mediocre film that some will like, some dislike, but most will probably meh. I only feel compelled to write a review to point out that the graphic novel that this was based on ripped off the concept from David Brin's novel Kiln People. The specifics of plot differ and the kiln people are disposable rather than permanent, but the core concept of people staying home while sending "surrogates" out into the world was lifted directly from Brin and it's a shame he was not given a lick of credit from the comic creators or the film's creators is disgraceful.

The Ward (2010)

Carpenter in name only...

[5/10 · 8 December 2018]

This is technically a John Carpenter film, and yes he was behind the camera, he probably coached the actors, just the same to call this a John Carpenter film is a travesty, as we saw in his contributions to Masters of Horror he is clearly no longer trusted with full creative license. So he directed? Great, now here's a list of things he didn't do which contribute so much to Carpenter's style.

He did not create the film's music, he did not produce and therefore had little say in casting, Carpenter has a few staple supporting actors that always bring a touch of surrealism with them, none of them appear in this film, Carpenter did not edit the film, rather some no name who has edited little else did. Eveything about this film is basic and mediocre. It's a completely forgettable five, though it probably deserves a point or two knocked off for teasing us with a counterfeit.

Deadly Friend (1986)

More evidence that Carpenter is better!

[4/10 · 8 December 2018]

Deadly Friend is a weak, silly, even stupid movie. There's a way to make the supernatural or outrageous palatable for the viewer, Craven does not give two sniffs about doing this for you though. He created a horror icon, so kudos to him, but between his couple of brilliant works is sandwiched a whole lot of BS and Deadly Friend draws flies. That said, it's still required viewing for fans of horror because all works by the man behind Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream should be viewed for educational purposes at the very least. Just the same Deadly Friend is bottom of the barrel.

Safe (2018)

Half way home and bored...

[5/10 · 23 November 2018]

The show starts off well enough, has a decent hook, and even maintains some suspense and mystery for the first two episodes. Unfortunately it starts to trend downward rather quickly, as every throw in character has an arc, and the coincidences pile up to the point of absurdity.

None of this should surprise anybody who's read a Coben book. His plotting and character connections are consistently ridiculous, but in the world of the novel, I can put up with it. On TV? No thanks. This will likely be a did not finish for me.

As an aside, how stupid to cast Michael C. Hall and then ask him to put on a British accent? He has one of the great voices among today's crop of male actors and you make him sound like a dandy. Just representative of the way this show squanders its resources and potential strong points. Give it a go if you like, it's average at best.