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La pianiste (2001)
I am Relatively Alone in my Contempt for this Movie
This is a very beloved movie and it seems like most who know about it adore it. I, on the other hand, detest this movie. I did not enjoy it at all. And my displeasure with it is quite pure, since the movie itself is proficient if not exceptional in all technical aspects. The acting is very good and so is the directing -- for it is, the god, Michael Haneke. Haneke is one of the few true geniuses working today and Cache is an incomparable and indisputable masterpiece. This movie, however, is a joyless humorless romp of aberrations so queasily uncomfortable, disturbing and outright absurd that it feels as though it must be to some remarkable insight. Alas, I could not find one. I was left very confused and disappointed. I thought, "who cares about any of these people?" They are not even particularly well written. The protagonist is an unscrupulous irritating pest. She was so annoying. And disgusting. But mostly annoying. She made me feel viscerally angry. Her poor mother. And the hapless, feckless boy that the protagonist pursues, to the behest and emotional and physical damage of everyone in the story (including herself) is also a sickening lowlife. The fact of the matter is that i just dont know what the point of this movie was. Maybe my incapability to see the quality here is a personal shortcoming rather than one the movie is responsible for but, i dunno, i just really did not enjoy this. It's like Blue Velvet meets Whiplash yet it doesn't come close to being as good as either. Which is weird because Haneke is one of the only directors to even compare to the greatness of Lynch and he is decidedly leagues better than that twerp Chazelle. So what is the explanation for the icky violent smut that unfolds in this Cannes darling? Some day I will probably watch it again and maybe will understand the hype. Until then, it is an utter disappointment.
Once Upon a Time in... Hollywood (2019)
Tarantino is so Cool
Quentin Tarantino is so cool. Quentin Tarantino is really quite cool. He's cool. Tarantino is-- you know, he's cool. Like, he's cool, like, and I bet he's really nice. With, like, his chin. That chin of his. Oh boy... what a chin. And those eyes-- I mean, forget about it. Nothing anyone could ever say can possibly prepare you for this movie. Brad Pitt? Yea, he's in it. The movie I mean. He's in the movie. Leonardo DiCaprio is also in the movie from time to time. You might be thinkig to yourself that there's no way Margot Robbie could also be in this movie. Think again, moron. She IS in the movie. Lena Dunham is in it. Margaret Qualley. And also this one precocious child. God, how precocious that child is. FORGET ABOUT IT! What's funny though is the fact that this, like, actually happened but, obviously, not exactly like that. I think it was like poetic license. Because, that's what you don't understand-- you can't get this into your dense empty skyll-- that Tarantino is a poet. In the same way, like, any number of poets sculpture the words and and and and-- okay, yeah; like Shakespeare or Sylvia Plath, who were famous poets. Yes, they were. That's who tarantino is lika. He's like an animal. Like an animal that can write poetry. Anyway, I didn't really like this movie at all-- and yet, I really really liked it. It's one of those movies that just is not good, but you see it anyway. And your like, okay yea this is a movie. I wouldn't say its Citizen Kane or The Godfather, because those are different movies than this one. It would be weird if the movie started and then it just WAS the godfather. It'd be like, wait a minute, this isn't a new movie-- it's just The Godfather. I would also say that this movie is not the Wizard of Oz, nor is it Moneyball. It definitely definitely is NOT the axis powers of WWII. That wasn't even a movie. It was a bunch of countries. So, yea, this movie was honestly bad and I wouldn't ever recommend it to anybody but if you like movies you should stop at nothing to check it out because it IS a movie. If you like the show "Once", you will be disappointed and surprised, in that order. If you like the place Hollywood, I'd say there's a 50% chance you're gonna like this movie. Unfortunately, the alternative 50% of people who like to go to Hollywood will not like this movie as it mostly takes place in rooms and houses so it doesn't make that much difference that they are in Hollywood. If there were a scene on the Hollywood sign, it'd probably captivate more fans of Hollywood. Yeah so this review is pretty much over. 3/10. Im not on letter box but Id give the movie one out of however many stars they have so humbly prepared. Dogs in Clothes. I didn't mean to write that.
Sing Street (2016)
The kind of movie they might play for children who have been sent to live on a farm
Songs are bad. Movie is trite. Characters are annoying and unlikeable. Not funny or compelling or even very cute or endearing. Costumes are embarrassing. Very little to nothing remarkably good. A lot remarkably bad. Maybe the dumbest ending to any movie. This is a movie for which I really really really do not understand the hype. It was unprecedentedly acclaimed and very popular and many people recommended it to me. They were not only disappointed but angry that I didn't like it. I need to go past the minimum word count in order to post this review so la la la. Do NOT watch this movie unless you actually hate yourself.
Beau Is Afraid (2023)
Major Disappointment
Beau is Afraid had a lot of potential and it started out incredibly strong. However, a little less than half way through the 3 hour runtime, it stalled and then was never able to make it back to the energy it started with, until maybe the very last scene. The very last scene was good and the allegory of the scenario that unfolded was clear and made sense and was relatable and very smart. However, this was the very last scene of a 3 hour movie of which more than half of was honestly really stupid in my opinion. Just a lot of threads that didn't seem to go anywhere I could follow and a bunch of ideas that didn't really feel realized. Honestly I think that limitation wouldve really helped this movie, because, although it was hardly ever an actual bore, it really felt like it burnt out and then coasted until it neared the finish line. You probably could cut an entire hour out of this movie and I'm not sure you would be doing it any kind of disservice, in fact, there might be an infinitely better movie. It kinda just felt like there was this big revelation the movie was building to and then that revelation never happened. When I saw it I thought it was better than I think it is now, because I will say that the spectacle was truly amazing at times. But I dunno, art films like this that miss the mark as this one does really bother me actually a lot more than major blockbusters that might be the same level of quality. Because it just feels like a massive waste of time for everybody involved. I'd rather see any of the Fast and Furious movies than watch this again. Vin Diesel is the goat.
Chris Rock: Selective Outrage (2023)
Selective Outrage
Peculiar that Chris Rock named this special Selective Outrage when he spends the entire time selectively outraged. First, by "selecting" the nuances of leftist political rhetoric. Then focusing the whole last part of the special on the famous slap that has recently overwhelmed his mythology. It was expected that he would discuss that obviously but he seems obsessed with it to an degree unbecoming. But lastly and definitely most importantly, it's just not that funny. There is not a single memorable funny joke. As well, there are absolutely no insights. At least Chappelle was actually saying something, even though often times that something was objectionable and arguably misguided. But Rock doesn't even have the righteous gall to pose any questions that haven't already been asked and in many cases struggles to find questions that have not long been answered. Disappointing.
Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel (2022)
Best Special of All Time
This is one of the funniest and most important comedy specials in the history of the art form and it's probably my personal favorite. I had known of Jerrod from his show and various other things he's been apart of, but I had never watched any of his stand up before. However, by the end of Rothaniel I felt like I knew him better than any other comedian I'd ever watched. Despite this, what makes the special so great is, in addition to being a therapeutic, fluid and confessional hour, which, although unconventional, is certainly not unheard of, the way Jerrod mixes actual laugh out loud comedy so fluidly into raw emotional expression is more profound and simultaneously hilarious than any other comedian I've ever seen. Never before has a special impacted me emotionally the way "Rothaniel" did, but I hope that the impact the special has on the medium is lasting and influences other comedians to find that perfect balance that Jerrod so seemingly effortlessly finds here. The special as a whole feels more like a really good conversation with a really close friend who is just naturally really funny than it does a planned out performance that has been carefully worked out for months in advance. However, at the same time, it all comes full circle in such a beautiful, seamless way that it had to have been intricately thought out, practiced and executed with such careful precision that it is ultimately astonishing when it finally reaches it's unbelievable twist ending. Genius 10/10.
Sing (2016)
This movie is wrong
I'd like to say, that I've never watched a movie and really regretted watching it. I have watched really bad movies, I have watched movies worse than "Sing", but never have I watched a film for which I walked from the theater, my jaw dropped. "Sing", is the first, and hopefully last film that will watch and feel this afterward. It's one of the few movies where I wanted my money back after the credits rolled. Do not watch this movie, please.