df4205 Reviews

Wonka (2023)

I got a cavity

[4/10 · 7 February 2024]

Much like the Mary Poppins follow-up, this prequel to the much loved Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory falls flat at worst and mediocre at best. While it's not a horrible film, it falls well short of the bar set by the original staring Gene Wilder. Walking in the footsteps of a legendary, beloved classic is a near-impossible task as it is, but this film barely seems to try.

The Music/Songs:

The problem with modern day musicals, this one included, is that they're not songs - they're conversations set to a tune. While they sometimes meet the technical requirements of rhyme, getting there is quite ponderous as they fail badly in terms of meter. By the time a character has finished singing one sentence, I could've listened to three songs from the original. This, I think, is why the songs are largely unmemorable because each one requires us to essentially learn "Modern Major General."

Compared to the original, these songs also seem largely lacking in point. Whether, as many others point out, they're far too frequent or some other reason, they just don't inspire a person to sing along. The original songs either gave us insight in to the character's state of mind, they're foibles, or their comeuppance. Here, its more like "Ow, I stubbed my toe! It really hurt! I'll be walking funny all day!"

The Characters:

Grandpa Joe, Charlie, Veruca, and Willy are all timeless, well-known and had time to be explored/fleshed out. Heck, even the one-shot people like the scientist with the machine telling him it couldn't cheat and the psychiatrist demanding his patient tell him where a dream told him a ticket was had more personality and are more memorable than most folks we see here. The villains are cartoonish caricatures lifted right out of a Neil Breen film - Twirling their mustaches, talking openly about how evil they are, and doing incomprehensibly stupid things like keeping records of their misdeeds.

Though Timothée Chalamet seems a capable actor, the writing for Willy Wonka doesn't give him much to work with. Here, Willy is presented as an ever-jolly fellow, constantly smiling and looking on the bright side of life. Does that seem even remotely like the enigmatic, wise-cracking, flippant, wise, distant, playful, fun-loving, often enraged and borderline psychotic Willy portrayed by Gene? The fun of the original Willy was that he could be all those things because from the time he 'fell' off his cane and did a roll you learned you could never know what to expect out of him from one moment to the next. This incarnation just doesn't seem the same man who would show such unbridled rage as during his "You stole fizzy lifting drink," speech. Yes, people can change, but we should have gotten at least a hint of one of these other moods/behaviors during the movie, just to show him as being capable of capricious behavior.

Final Thoughts:

I agree with those that have already said it, it's a nice looking movie. The visuals and effects are excellent, but is that enough to carry a film? The original didn't have things like CGI and even adjusting for inflation, the budget for the original is a penny in the cup compared to this one, yet I can watch the original again and again and again...this movie just isn't going to get the same kind of love and devotion. While the actors do what they can, the movie winds up being too "sweet" for it's own good. The original was accessible to both adults and children alike, this one seems to lean heavily towards favoring children. There's nothing wrong with that, per se, but if you want your film to be timeless, you have to make it so adults aren't going to want to pull their hair out or to suddenly remember they need to cook a 2 and a half hour dinner.

The Requin (2022)

The tale of a fateful trip

[1/10 · 28 January 2022]

It's a shark movie. Really, beyond that, what do you need to say? Like so many others before it, this one follows the same basic cookie cutter format, and it doesn't even do a particularly good job of it. Whether its Open Water, The Shallows, or The Reef, if you've seen one you've seen them all. There is only one slight difference here, and if you're old enough to spot it, its actually quite hilarious.

A married couple go on vacation and their hut/cabin gets swept out to sea.

For those of you to young to remember...with the exception of the sharks...that's the opening plot of Rescue from Gilligan's Island! Yes, folks, this movie lifts a premise from Gilligan's Island! Need I say more beyond that this had me laughing up a storm rather than feeling any sense of terror?

Project Blue Book (2019–2020)

The truth is what we say it is

[5/10 · 8 January 2022]

A fictionalized drama about the Air Force's official investigation into UFO's...sounds interesting, right?

While the premise sounds interesting, the execution is a bit lacking here. Many reviewers are comparing this show with The X-files, and they're not far off. We have a two-person government team sent to investigate unexplained phenomenon; only here its all about UFO's and not monsters of the week. We have secret government agendas and top officials working both for and against our investigators as they try to separate fiction from reality. For the first season, we even have the mysterious shadow-man who helps one of our investigators whenever it suits him. But sadly, we also have the same problem the X-files had: No traction is ever gained and no forward progress is ever made. It quickly becomes apparent that no matter what happens in this show, nothing is ever going to be 'solved' to any satisfying conclusion. While that 'can' work for one season, after that, it becomes a boring slog of 'Same Stuff, Different Day'.

While the fundamental idea of "These stories are based on actual cases" might've seemed like a strong foundation for the writers/producers/directors, it actually wound up being a catastrophically bad idea in my opinion. The problem with this 'actual cases' approach is that we don't live in the 1950's anymore where there isn't access to the real story. Here, the 'based on' premise basically detours into "Independence Day was based on a true story, in that, we do in fact have a moon." The show seems to pride itself on being 'factual' while simultaneously altering the facts as it sees fit. Here, almost every single case is exposed as being a fraud. Whether it was an owl, monkeys, or a Native American skeleton, some nefarious no-gooder human was always the bad guy...and they would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for that meddling air force. But in real life, many of these cases the stories are 'based on' go unresolved. And not for nothing, but none of these 'base' cases involved people being charged with fraud, filing a false report, nor did they have a mob of gun-toting vigilantes showing up at their houses calling for their blood. One good example is the episode that was 'based' on the case of Betty and Barney Hill. In real life, Barney never broke onto a base or held anyone hostage.

My point? I think presenting the cases in a 'based on fact' then shoehorning in that every case was a proven fraud is detrimental to the show's credibility. It leads the audience to believe "Oh, thank goodness, it was only monkeys," because this was 'based on actual cases'. I suppose the show thought using the 'presumed' explanation would get old since more than a handful were purported to be owls by debunkers and the audience might be smart enough to ask 'Well, how many times is it going to be owls?'

Moving on to the show itself. While the A-story of the investigators is actually somewhat engaging it is completely massacred by the dead weight of the B-story. The B-story of season one is mostly about the scientist's wife and it is BORING with a capital B. While the actress is capable, her story puts you in a coma whenever the focus shifts to her. In season two her story subdvides into being shared with the secret agent lady but it's equally as boring. I don't care about these people at all and find myself skipping forward whenever they're on screen...and sadly, I don't miss a single thing. At no point does anything these two ladies do effect anything at all. You can literally remove them both from the entire show and you'd still have the exact same show...that's not good for a story or a character.

But back to the A-story: While the plot is enough to be somewhat engaging, the characters are a bit bland. I'm mid-way through season two and I still know next to nothing about these two guys. Guy One is "Science Guy" and Guy Two is "Military Guy" and that's about it. Neither one has any 'heart' to them and that makes them hard to invest in as characters. Going back to the X-Files: we rooted for Mulder because we understood his drive and determination and we appreciated Scully for her grounded non-nonsense approach that helped keep him honest and focused. Here: It's just two guys.

Final Thoughts: While the show was better than I thought it would be, it still doesn't climb above 'meh'. If you're just out of stuff to watch or just want some noise to put on in the background its okay, but I doubt many people would put it on their favorites list. It's a 'watch it if you're home with the flu' kind of show.

The Beyond (2017)

Complete and utter dreck

[1/10 · 21 June 2021]

This seriously has to be one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Though I could write an entire novel about how bad this movie is, I'll try to keep my review concise.

First of all, this movie is not science fiction...it is fictional science. Not only is the science involved here complete gibberish, what little actual science they employ is "Science as understood by a third grader." Sometimes the characters will say the complete opposite things within the same sentence or go on to contradict something they said way earlier in the film. A lot of the time the script veers into Star Trek technobabble wherein they toss a lot of big words out there and hope they sound science-y. The vast gulf between the technological level we see in the beginning and what we see later on is mind-boggling. One minute the people are using conventional spacesuits and then BAM we've got cybernetic bodies and the medical technology to transplant brains.

There is also a huge flaw in the storytelling going on. We're told they tried to send probes through the wormhole but they keep futzing out, so we're going to send people through instead. But given the danger presented, it seems we should put them in robot bodies via Avatar-esque means. Um...why? We're told that this process is virtually killing whoever undergoes it. Again and again they make it clear that these people will never be able to return to a normal life after this procedure. And for what? You have absolutely no evidence whatsoever that there's anything interesting on the other side of the wormhole. You're willing to destroy these people on a fundamental level and for all you know the planet you see is a barren wasteland where it rains magma. Again, the probes send no information (other than a signal I think) but that signal could be background noise for all they know. What makes it worse is that the lead lady mentions 'moral' implications but it gets hand-waived away and never properly addressed.

But not only is the storytelling flawed in its premise, its flawed in its execution. This story, as it is presented, is BORING! We cut from one little snippet to another and things are told to us, but never do we seem to get anywhere.

The message: Ever seen the movie 2010: The year we make contact? Then you've seen the ending to this movie. Yep, pretty much ripped it right off with some minor tweaking. To sum it up? Mankind is violent and paranoid and will attack anything it doesn't understand...but there's good in us too. Whether it's the aforementioned 2010, or The Day the Earth Stood Still, or The Abyss, its a hammy cutesey-poo message about the inner potential of mankind's good heart that's been done to death in Hollywood. Um, your own movie stipulated that all these people sacrificing their bodies for new robot ones would be classified at the highest levels and that they would be forever forgotten by history and not even their families would know of their sacrifice...that is not the goodness of humanity guys.

The ending: Here's a fun fact: Google exists. It would have taken you .0002 seconds to look up "the effects of gravity." Let me break it down for you. Even one extra planetary-sized body in our solar system would likely destroy all life on Earth. This would be exceptionally true if it was "right next to us...like a sister." Having something that massive that close to us would shatter our planet into pieces due to gravitational tides. And that's only one planet, they imply that SEVERAL new planets just "appear" in the solar system. Cuz, you know, it's not like four and a half billion years of something being one way and then suddenly changing would have any negative effects whatsoever. Nope, the only effect would be to push mankind into a Rodenberry-esque utopia where world governments don't declare war on one another to seize the new treasure-trove of resources. Puh-lease!

Final Thought: Complete waste of time that will leave you full of psychotic rage if you have even a rudimentary understanding of science and utterly bored if you don't. Though the visual stuff works well, you might as well say the button.

Amanda's (1983)

Better off in obscurity

[2/10 · 5 May 2021]

Amanda's (By the Sea)

Yes, much like Friday the 13th (the show) this show's tittle got tweaked after the fact to avoid confusion with another show/movie.

I discovered this little show quite by accident and decided to give it a go. Now, unlike some reviewers on here, I've never seen Fawlty Towers so I can't judge it on "Why wasn't it an exact scene-for-scene remake of each and every episode of the original?" That's quality entertainment, right? I know it worked so well for the Psycho remake. Anyway...I can only judge the show based on what it was and not what it was emulating (or failing to emulate).

Bea Arthur of Golden Girls and Maude fame runs a small hotel (the titular Amanda's...By the Sea). It's a bit strange when you consider how the other three golden girls later spun-off into running a hotel on Golden Palace and this is for all intents and purposes Dorothy if she did the same thing. Bea's character has a sharp-tongue and a no-nonsense attitude...just like every other character she plays. Don't get me wrong, when Bea is being Bea it works well...too bad it didn't last. By that, I mean, the first three episodes or so showcase Bea's formidable presence and snarky attitude, but after that, the show slowly devolves into more of a dead fish...it just sort of lays there. It just sort of abandons comedy and shifts lanes into more of a serialized dramedy. To put it another way: It stops being Golden Girls and shifts back towards being Maude. This is especially true when Amanda's (Bea) Brother-in-Law shows up and they begin falling for each other. The show immediately grinds to a halt from being about zany situations in a hotel to "All About Amanda" and frankly, it doesn't work. It's not to say Bea can't do it, but to shift the tone that much is off-putting and confounding. You were doing okay! Why did you change? I wanted to watch wacky hi-jinks like Mama's Family, not dramedy like The Facts of Life.

But perhaps it's for the best that this show remains obscure given its many insensitivities. I know the 80's weren't the most culturally sensitive, but who thought this idea would stand the test of time? I speak, of course, about the show's crown jewel of embarrassment...Aldo. Aldo is the "Token Character"..no wait, excuse me...I meant "Racist Caricature." You know, I Love Lucy was thirty years before this and Desi was given far more dignity and respect than this...just tossing that out there. This isn't a case of "Questionable, but was a product of its time" where the non-whites were always "The Help." This is just plain offensive. It's one of those "Why cant foreigners learn English if they're going to come to OUR country" depictions where the token minority serves no comedic function beyond being the token minority. Amanda's plans went bad? It's usually because Aldo doesn't speak much English and his idiocy led to the situation. But its okay, physically assaulting the indecipherable foreigner should help.

There's another issue that doesn't hold up well at all in Amanda's love interest. After they've been dating (for 3 months in-between episodes) he begins pressuring her to have sex. Now, I grant you, they managed to pull out of this nosedive before people started screaming, "Oh! THE HUMANITY!" but it was still just...Thank goodness for whichever writer walked in the room and said, "Um, no, let's fix this before the letters start rolling in." Because by pressure...I mean pressure! Despite it being clear that Amanda isn't ready for a physical relationship, the BIL all but makes it an ultimatum. Amanda repeatedly says she's not ready and doesn't want to discuss it further, but he will not be dissuaded and forcefully grabs her and demands she explain herself, resulting in a well-deserved smack to the face. Again, they toss some water on this fire by explaining that his motivation was to get her to let down her guard and talk to him honestly about what she was feeling and why it was bothering her and furthering that he would be happy to wait (after borderline assaulting her). It wasn't "We can't have a full relationship because you won't sleep with me," it was "We can't have a full relationship because you won't talk to me and trust me"...but that explanation only barely manages to pull the passengers out with the jaws-of-life rather than having no survivors at all.

Analysis: Problematic and questionable. It's not hard to imagine why this show didn't last longer. Between the odd tonal shift from comedy to dramedy, the racist caricature of Aldo, and the 'Explain why you won't have sex with me and do it NOW, woman!' this show doesn't hold up well at all. The other characters? There were other characters? OH, RIGHT! I completely forgot about them! My fault, it was hard to tell them apart from the rest of the wallpaper. Amanda's son is...there, which is more than I can say for his wife. While the son gets the privilege of participating, it's never to any real effect, making him just a convenient warm body to have around. The daughter-in-law just sort of flitters in here and there for a moment or two...rather like a hummingbird. She is probably the least-developed character in the entire show and just sort of gets slapped with the 'hoity-toity-she likes nice clothes, make-up, and pretty things' label.

Final Thoughts: It was interesting to discover the show. But after seeing it, it's probably best it remains lost in obscurity. While Bea does a fine job with what's she's given (particularly when it's verbal cut-downs and zingers) she's not given much. It's like the show got bored with its own premise of being set in a hotel. The writers really seemed to struggle with (and eventually drop) coming up with situations that lent themselves to comedy. It's like they saw the premise as a box and not a single one of them could figure out what to do inside the box nor how to break out of it, so they shifted their focus towards outright storytelling rather than humor.

Smiley Face Killers (2020)

Didn't make me smile

[3/10 · 22 April 2021]

Welcome to Boring, California. Population-declining.

We're given a cold opening that tells us that more than 150 young men across the US have drowned under mysterious circumstances. Remember this, it's important. Because, by the US, we mean California.

Well, anyway, we're introduced to our MC. He shows a lot of skin, so I'm just going to call him Skin. Seems every one of Skin's friends is an amateur psychologist and loves to diagnose him. Their most popular diagnosis is "unstable" because actually giving it a name would mean we could nitpick the symptoms. And while I'm no amateur psychologist, to me it seems more like he suffers more from a general malaise than anything else...at least in the beginning. As the movie progresses his status does seem to decline from malaise to depression to outright fugue and dementia/psychosis-like states. But even before that, his friends attempts to help him are very questionable for the amateur psychologists that they are. As many depression sufferers will tell you, being dragged out and manhandled into participating in group events is often detrimental to their mental states. Showing them all the "shiny, happy people" as something they are not-but should be, puts undue pressure on them and often leads to setbacks.

But enough psycho-babble. Skin is being stalked, you see. Strange people follow him around, break into his apartment, mess with his stuff, and leave creepy things laying around for him to find. Of course these bizarre happenings do little for Skin's mental state and start leading him to paranoia and stress. Not that any of his friends care. Nope, he's just having another one of his moments. Naturally, being the pill-popping generation, they encourage him to take his meds. But even when he does, the ongoing interference of his unseen stalkers hampers any improvement. Not that his friends believe him. Nope, just Skin being Skin. It's really beneficial for people that are paranoid to have their worries mocked and ridiculed. Well, things to heck when Skin starts to think his GF is cheating with her ex boyfriend. Of course, still talking to the guy and having him send pictures of them when they were together doesn't help. There's also the fact that the Stalkers are texting Skin strange messages and disturbing images...though he could easily block them...not sure why he doesn't.

So, on and on we go with Skin's issues until finally the movie decides to punch it into gear and the Stalkers make their move. They kidnap Skin...and he makes it oh so hard by standing two feet from the open door of the car that was just running him down minutes earlier. They strip Skin naked and then immediately cover his groin with duct tape. Cause, you know...that's the first thing you do when you take someone's clothes off...cover them back up so you don't get an X-Rating. Of course, had this been a woman and the move were called I Spit on your Grave, I doubt they would have bothered, but we can't have too much skin from "MR." Skin.

So here's where the movie goes wild. Skin manages to escape but the stalkers are in pursuit and go from completely passive to Death Wish levels of carnage. They reacquire Skin, (the Director would like to assure you a really cool scene happened to explain how they did this, they just chose not to film it) kill some bystanders and eventually kill Skin. When asked why...they say its because he's Galiel? Ooooookay. You know, if you're going to bring it up and make it a function of the plot, the least you could do is explain it. So, they toss Skin's corpse in the ocean, paint a smiley face, and move on to their next target. We're given some last minute BS where all of Skin's friends suddenly do a 180 from mostly supporting him to labeling him demented and dangerous. The end.

Analysis: Meh. I really think showing the killer's faces was a misstep. When they were just passive, almost invisible threats, it kept the tension going better. To reveal them...humanizes them. Yes, humans can be crazy killers, but humans can also be stopped. To give them faces and identities kind of ruins the talismanic quality of the unknowable threat. And again, if you're going to give killers a basis for their madness, you should probably explain it. To leave the audience going, "I don't know what that is," isn't a good thing. Also, having the killers go from passive to out-of-control action is jarring. It really begs the question of how they've managed to remain hidden when they cause this much collateral damage. Here's a news flash: Gas stations have cameras. Or did they take the tape/digital recordings with them? Traffic lights also have cameras...I'm pretty sure that guy might have tripped a few in his efforts to escape. Also, there's the question of: How do they manage to kill so many guys when they invest so much time in each one? Remember that cold opening? THIS IS NOT A DROWNING!!! We're not in the 1600's anymore where we can't establish the cause of death. Wanna know a big tip-off about it not being a drowning? There would be no water in his lungs! Know why? He was dead before he went in! You don't breath when you're dead! Not for nothing, but a pathologist would also be able to tell he was exsanguinated as well. And there's little to no chance they're going to mistake all those knife cuts/stab wounds for shark bites. There's also the abrasions that would have been caused by him struggling against the handcuffs...in short, no pathologist anywhere is going to rule this a drowning. And as far as his GF's assertions that he might have killed himself? Suicides rarely strip naked and then duct tape their privates (while their hands are bound) before stabbing themselves in the neck.

Final Thoughts: It's fairly boring. The tension in the beginning form the stalkers (pre-reveal) works okay, but Skin's life is pretty dull. The constant fixation on his mental state is listless and serves no point beyond the interviews at the end. Boy, it's a good thing those stalkers chose a guy like that at complete random, huh? Imagine if they'd chosen a "stable" happy guy? Surely one of those 150 pokem-guys must have been well-balanced. The mental issues "could" have been more viable "if" there were some question whether these things were really happening, or if he was just delusional as his friends claim. But we, as the audience, know the stalkers are real, therefore it's a moot point. The early pacing could have been a lot better. Again, to go from 0 to 100 is pretty jarring and lacks any real build-up that slowly increases the terror. Unless you're a sucker for guy-candy and male objectification I'd recommend avoiding it. It's not the "worst" movie ever, but it's not quite "Run-of-the-mill" either.

Come True (2020)

Sleepy time

[2/10 · 21 April 2021]

So our story begins with a young, homeless girl who lives in a park apparently...because cops and security types never patrol children's parks for creepo-s. Anyway...

To make money our heroine enrolls in a sleep study program. She's given a suit straight out of Tron and goes to bed. Good thing none of these study participants need to go to the bathroom, I guess. Seems like that might be an ordeal. It's also nice that they all sleep on their backs and never roll over. Anyway, we watch the science guys monitoring the patients and we get some exposition. This basically boils down to "As you know, Bob." In-universe, this exposition makes little sense as we're told all the science guys have taken part in multiple studies and should therefore know this information by heart...especially if its something they're majoring in.

So our heroine leaves to go have a life and notices a strange man following her. During her next slumber she has a nightmare which causes a seizure of some kind and the doctor that comes rushing in so happens to be the creepy stalker guy. Um, yeah. Dude, that's highly unethical, borderline illegal, and would not only contaminate the study's results, but could cost you your medical license (assuming you're not a student) and get you expelled (if you are). Our heroine is understandably angry and demands to know what they're studying and why it's causing her to suddenly have conniption fits and nightmares. Turns out they're watching people's dreams. Why? Um...because Stalker guy has been having dreams about strange creatures his whole life? It's a bit unclear. But evidently the entire world dreams of these things...and just don't remember it apparently...but they've totally always been a part of human history.

Well, our heroine's mental condition begins to worsen, as does that of the other participants. See, those creatures that everyone dreams of...are out to get us? Huh? It seems like they don't bother with anyone else...so is the study causing this? Who knows. So our heroine freaks out and goes to the one place she feels safe...a shady nightclub. Well, thank goodness our Stalker can carry an unconscious girl out of a nightclub with little to no fuss. He takes her to his apartment and promptly straps himself in bed and goes to sleep..."Eh, she'll be fine." So our girl wakes up and decides what's good for the goose is good for the gander and peeks in on his dreams. Well thanks to the crappy (yes I know it's intentional, but that doesn't make it better) digitization, we're left going, "Huh?" Maybe they're in a car? Maybe there's some fangs? Who knows. Well our girl wakes stalker up from a nightmare and they proceed to get it on. Evidently she was right earlier when she suggested his nerd powers would overwhelm her into being attracted to him. But not to worry, he's evidently not very good at what he does, as she falls asleep during it...yes, its now turned into narcolepsy, but it's still pretty funny.

So, off to a hospital we go. And what insurance will this homeless young woman be paying with? It's no wonder the hospital staff suddenly disappear. Well, despite now also being a sleepwalker, she manages to outwit the hospital staff and wanders into the night. To help this situation, Stalker calls one of the other students to bring a computer and a headset so they can see what she's dreaming while they wander around aimlessly. Good thing that apocalypse wiped out a good portion of the population, otherwise someone might ask what the heck we're doing. Well, our girl is headed towards...a castle? A manor? Whatever. We see more monsters, they find her cellphone, she wakes up, and the monsters attack. But when all her friends are gone and its down to her...she wakes up back in Stalker's apartment to find she's killed him...whoops. Well, better go check my make-up. She gets a message on her phone telling her she's been in a coma for twenty years and when she looks in the mirror....she finds vampire fangs......WHAT?! HUH?! Can vampires go into comas? Wouldn't there healing abilities prevent such a thing? Oh, who cares anymore!

Analysis: Accursed movie almost put me in a coma! Good night is this movie boring! The pacing in this thing is atrocious. While others praise the cinematography, I find this is more "style over substance". If I wanted to watch buildings and scenery, I'd be watching a documentary. This is not really a slow-burn thriller/horror that builds towards something exiting. It's one long, dead scene after another. But the insipid ennui is only matched by the annoying musical score. The music in this is really intrusive and grating. Why have interesting dialogue and actual explanations when you can have music?

Final Thoughts: While peering into people's dreams was an interesting premise, they didn't really do much with it. Honestly they should have had her being the one who'd had nightmares her whole life and their study upsets the demon/creature that's been haunting her. This could have led to much more interesting discussion about the "layers" of unconsciousness and perhaps even delved into talk about a "primordial" collective unconsciousness. But no, we got "MAYBE she's a vampire?" As far as "twist" endings go, that was pretty sad. Honestly, I'd avoid this one. The views we get of the dreams are boring and repetitive, the pacing is horrible, and the payoff is ungodly.

Beverly Hills Teens (1987– )

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

[5/10 · 15 April 2021]

Ah, BHT, what a strange gem you were.

First bit here is "As a kid" review. My grandmother picked up a few of BHT's tapes from a yard sale when I was young and brought them home. It was a cartoon and that seemed good enough for her, lol. But I found myself sucked into the world of Lark, Troy, and Bianca. Separated at birth from Jem, BHT was very much a product of the 80's. Following the lives of the extremely upper class teens inhabiting BH (or at least BH if it had Jetson level technology), it was full of huge hair and 80's lingo. Tubular...Radical...Reaganomics!

The premise was odd and the stories were zany, but (as a child) it held a bizarre, hypnotic charm...like a lava lamp. This was not He-man with its magic and monsters, nor was it even the mindless slapstick of Inspector Gadget. No, BHT was its own entity. While there were no real "adventures" to be had, there were parties, galas, and dances by the truckload. Though there was a villain (of a sort) in Bianca, she wasn't exactly Mumm-Ra in her schemes. Most of the time she was more the foil who's machinations often led to her own downfall. But beyond her, the group were all fairly good friends. They might get on each others nerves once in a while, but they always made up in the end. Interesting, different, and oddly appealing.

As an adult:

After a long time searching, I found the show online and have been revisiting it. Jeez at how viewing it as an adult changes it. Could have just called it "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous II" and had done with it. Granted, it's not the character's fault that they're all well-off, but its presented to such an excessive degree as to make it extremely shallow, and oftentimes, grating. Though it is Bianca that says it, they mention trading in a three-section limo (complete with hot tub) because its sundae bar ran out of whipped cream. Again, though it's the 'villain', the mentality is on display by others.

The 'troubles' presented to the teens really become vacuous and empty when compared to their wealth. Yes, money can't buy happiness, but it can make a better show of it than is presented. Take an episode with Lark. Thanks to Bianca's meddling, Lark's homework gets ruined and she can't attend the dance. They completely ripoff the Cinderella story and have Chester act as her fairy god-geek (complete with pumpkin car). They really press what a horrible and painful dilemma she's experiencing. I think perhaps you missed the part where Cinderella suffered actual torment but was rewarded because she maintained her faith and remained a good-hearted person. Lark isn't a bad person, but come on, her greatest lot in life is that she can't go to a dance? I do hope her sports car, mansion, pool, and uber-hot boyfriend can get her through this ordeal. This is the same character, who, despite looking like Marge Simpson, Elsa Frankenstein, and Wilma Flintstone got thrown in a blander, still manages to win the beauty contest...just because. Again, she's not a bad person and demonstrates more humanity than Bianca (such as when Bianca literally walks over Wilshere and Lark says she wouldn't want a man to do it for her). But, like her beau Troy, she may be more humble and humane, but good things literally get thrown at her only because the plot says so. She'll win the beauty contest because she's Lark. She'll win the singing contest because she's Lark. She's a Queen, and a Senator, and a handmaid...No wait. Just rich, and a model, and Homecoming Queen, and an actress....

But behind and beneath the veneer of easy-going teens, there's a certain judgmental egotism lurking in the dark. Money, good looks, and high fashion rule this world with an iron fist...and woe be upon you if you don't have all three. In the episode "My Fair Wilshire" the level of body-shaming put on display is revolting. The boys all decide to give Wilshire a make-over to help him woo Bianca. But though their intentions might be noble, their mentality isn't. "I've always wanted to save the whales." "I eat when I'm nervous--you must get nervous a lot." "He may look fabuloso, but underneath, he's still pretty gross-o." Jeez, just beat him to death with flaming torches while you're at it. When Tara's family temporarily loses their fortune, the kids react to Bianca's suggestion that she get a job the way one might react to being asked to remove a limb. To them, it was "The Poverty Experience" to the other 99 percent of us, they're called "The days that end in Y", lol.

To say the show doesn't age well is an understatement. In a great many cases, one has to wonder exactly what era the writers had in mind. For one example, the girls dance around in their bathing suits for the prize of being Troy's homecoming queen. You will let me know when the men-folk have to dance around in their speedos, won't you? Even Lark says "I like a boy who opens the door for me". While that's very civilized of a gentlemen, I think most modern-day women agree "I know how a door works, I'm not an invalid." But at least both sexes are equal in that they view their counterparts as little more than arm-candy trophies. Plus...there's a Southern belle named Tara. Granted, they always pronounce it as "Tar-ah" instead of "Terra". A Southern bell that talks about mint julips...named Tara...that's...that's a thing.

Final Thoughts: It doesn't age well, but it does have a certain nostalgia factor, though its mostly relegated to the people that watched it way back when. Though it bears the overtones of the 80's, the bizarre Jetson technology creates enough of a disconnect for any new viewers to appreciate the nostalgia. I grew up in the 80's and I don't right off recall functional robots, chairs that delivered drinks, or talking guitars. The intense focus on wealth, beauty, fame, and popularity can (and does) rub some viewers the wrong way. Whenever there's a discussion on 80's cartoons and I mention BHT, people always ask "Wasn't that the one with all the snobby rich kids?" Though it was, at its core, harmless enough, I'm not sure that was the legacy it meant to leave behind. Take it as you will. See it as a show about a group of friends and their shenanigans, or see it as a disturbing view into the excesses of Capitalism.

The Craft: Legacy (2020)

No magic and no heart

[3/10 · 1 November 2020]

A hot mess of a film that doesn't know if it wants to be a sequel or a remake. Oh, where to begin? Firstly--weren't there supposed to be four girls? Like the Rocky Horror before it, one of the main reasons the original worked was the characters. The original became a cult (no joke intended) classic because it spoke to the often maligned groups of young girls/women that weren't often portrayed in film.

Whether you identified with Nancy as the poor trash girl who is surrounded by the affluent who looked down on you, or it was Bonnie and her scars that reminded you of that physical defect that made you unpopular: There was a character to relate to. Here--there is none of that. From the first moment we see the girls on screen, we're struck with just how "normal" they are. My first thought was: "I think you've forgotten your target audience here." The original spent a good deal of time making us identify with and understand why each girl was a reject from 'normal' society. Here, they're all pretty and seem of reasonable means when compared to their peers. Heck, the one girl lives in a house that you can literally run down its halls!

So, our MAIN character (I put that in caps because she is literally the only character we get to know) and her mother are moving in with mom's boyfriend and My Three Sons. Well, evidently nobody bought this girl the book "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" because she has an unfortunate accident in school. Then Carrie uses her supernatural telekinetic powers to take revenge on all those who laughed at her! What? That's a different movie? Oh. Well, you can understand my confusion. Anyway, she meets the other girls and...you're a wizard, Harry. She of course takes this news with little muss and fuss and is soon casting spells. Naturally they teach her THE CRAFT by instructing her how they ALWAYS form a circle of salt when they cast spells...and by ALWAYS--we mean just this one time and then it is never spoken of again. There's an odd moment of "What's your lineage? You have to get it from somewhere." Um, what? Wasn't Sarah's whole deal in the original was that she was a 'Natural Witch'? (Yes, I know she got it from her mother, but it does imply that witches can be born with the power.) Given the ending (that was completely ruined by the trailer) this lineage thing leads to some serious questions. (SPOILER ALERT!) Nancy didn't have any magical lineage that I'm aware of--so no--not sure what your talking about. Well, anyway, they stop time, move things with their minds, and levitate...this sounds like something Spelling would write...oh wait.

Anyway, the movie takes a serious left turn into Soap Opera land when the girls cast a spell on a mean guy to make him a nice guy. Umm...sweetie...I don't think you read that spell book. I'm pretty sure any practicing witch would tell you your instruments to be cleansed (and possibly sacred)...I'm not sure a bong counts. Well, now he's just one of the gals! There's an endless and agonizing scene where he confesses that he has bisexual leanings. Being an outcast herself--no wait--no she isn't--whatever. Our heroine decides to screw with his already confused sexuality by casting a love spell on him....our hero ladies and gentlemen! Am I missing something here? Look, I'm all for you playing to the LGBT crowd that love and support the original...but wasn't that the point of including a Trans character? You remember? The one you made such a big fuss about including? Shouldn't you...I don't know...give her some focus! Well, look--we're right back to forgetting our other three girls exist.

Now we hit the point that really veers away from the original's message. The original had the very strong message about power corrupting. We understood why each girl let the power go to their head...but it was still a big part of the plot. Now--the other three almost immediately realize they've abused their power and take steps to limit themselves. There is one vague moment where you think there might be some repercussions happening...but it turns out the brother sleepwalks. Huh? Wow. That was the worst fake-out I've seen in a long while. I'm glad it was never mentioned before and then never spoken of again. Well, this time around the message is girls are good and down with the sexist male regime! Yes, only men can be corrupt evil pig-swine who want nothing more than to take a woman's power away. Yes, it turns out the stepdad is an evil manwhich (thank you Xander from Buffy). Of course, for those of us that remember our Thundercats, this moment was spoiled at seeing his family crest. Well, girl power to the rescue!

Well, its finally over...and none of us have to go to jail for murder. Too bad about my bisexual friend though...oh well. Too bad about my stepdad's sons too. I mean, they didn't really do anything...oh well. Time to go find my birth mother...yes, I was adopted. (Spoiler Alert again!) Well, turns out its Nancy....dun dun dun! How? Good question. The movie takes great pains to avoid answering who my father is. Now we all know it couldn't have been Chris; considering he and Nancy broke up months before the first movie started...and she didn't seem pregnant. Has she been in the asylum this whole time? Was the janitor my father? So--how does this make any sense?

A manwhich did it.

Final Thoughts: Who are these people? That seems to be the massive lumbering dinosaur in the room. We spend WAY too much time with the Main girl; to the complete detriment of the others. I don't know them and therefore can't identify with them. There is absolutely no characterization or development here to make you care one whit about any of the other three girls. Which maligned group are these girls supposed to represent? Part of the charm of the original characters was that they appealed to several underrepresented social groups. Here--they all sound like Valley girls that just want to 'dish' about boys at the mall. And look--I'm really not trying to downplay the bisexual guy's story. I really appreciated the comment about how everyone just assumes he's "GAY" because he happens to like both. It's just too bad there wasn't some other character on the sexuality rainbow that could have made us feel for her struggle with non-conformity and gender identity. Someone in the Pans or Trans spectrum perhaps. Oh...if only that character had existed and had received more than two throwaway lines about her difficulties.

A Fistful of Fingers (1995)

Funny but Flawed

[6/10 · 1 October 2020]

So, here we have a Cowboy/Western/Comedy. Being a comedy, judging it is very subjective. Not everyone likes the same style of comedy, nor does everyone agree on what is funny. But, I'll give it a go.

To me, this film is very: Mel Brooks if he had to work with a shoestring budget. Despite the fact that it's a Western-theme (Yes, I know Mel had Blazing Saddles), its very reminiscent of Spaceballs. There's some amusing wordplay humor similar to that of "Comb the desert!" where you see them taking it literally and using giant combs. There's also some zany antics that echo "You idiot! You've captured their stunt doubles!" The movie also echoes that of Monty Python in that it uses its pathetic budget to its advantage rather than being hobbled by it.

The general plot revolves around a cowboy/bounty hunter who elects to hunt down a nefarious outlaw only to discover they have a history with one another. Along the way he meets a helpful native and a buffoon. Well, our hero's horse gets killed by (itself! lol) the villain, so our cowboy is on a quest for revenge now.

The humor here is probably going to be divisive. It's not exactly situational humor like Seinfeld or anything similar. Nor is it high-brow humor like that of Fraiser. As I said, it's more of a hybridization of Brooks and Python in its application. But though it echoes Brooks, it doesn't quite fall into the niche of satire or parody either (It doesen't really scream "Star Wars" or "Frankenstein"). Having said that, there are even some moments were it wanders into Looney Tunes complete with our villains being foiled by the hero standing around holding a 'detour' sign.

The Good: Again, a divisive area, but I enjoyed the humor for the most part. I won't say it caused a roaring belly-laugh, but it did get more than one chuckle out of me. I credit them for taking what should have been a hindrance (the budget) and turning it into a strength. We've all seen low-budget films that fail to overcome this obstacle, so kudos to them for the achievement. Considering that most of the actors are complete amateurs; this could could be a lot worse. The main actor is our strongest contender here and manages to carry the weight of the film quite respectably. He's not Oscar material for sure, but he sells the character. The Native helper is a bit of a toss-up. He's not irredeemable in his acting, but his portrayal is a bit wooden (though I suspect this was intentional; IE: he was meant to be Vulcan-like). The rest of the gaggle are much the same way, they don't leap of the screen and into your heart, but they are serviceable.

The Not so Good: There are a lot of 'dead scenes' scattered throughout the film. Yes, I know that even in a comedy the humor doesn't need to be on-call 24/7. But here, there just seemed to be a lot of empty voids that could have been improved. Whenever the humor takes a break, it creates a lull that allows your amusement to languish. It's a lot like going mudding. When you're having fun, you're having fun; but when the car gets stuck you have time to realize that you're in trouble. It doesn't kill the movie, but it keeps the humor from continually rising. It's like watching Alien and seeing Ripley stop to work on her knitting after having just seen someone's head ripped off. You didn't undo the terror of watching a guy get his head ripped off, but you did kill the on-the-edge-of-your-seat tension. And for the more politically-correct crowd, there are some questionable decisions. As I mentioned, there is a Native-American sidekick. This of course leads to "We spekum funny" dialogue. While (to me) it's not quite up there with Nightbeasts treatment or PeterPan's 'What makes the redman red' level of racism, it does put its toe on the line sometimes.

Final Thoughts: Not too bad. If you enjoy the Mel Brooks/Monty Python brand of humor then I'd recommend giving it a watch (if you can find it). Like myself, it may not make you belly-laugh, but you might get a chuckle or two. It gets points for overcoming its budget, and for its honesty. It knows what it is and it doesn't try to be anything else. It embraces its genre wholeheartedly and you know the cast and crew were fans and were paying homage to it. But again, there are just a few spots that needed another coat of polish to keep the momentum of the humor going. The inclusion of the Native-American humor "can" be judged as a product of the time, but like the General Lee, it just doesn't hold up to modern-day sensitivities.

The Gracefield Incident (2017)

What an eyesore

[2/10 · 1 October 2020]

Wow. This movie is just...wow. Okay, let's get started. Meet our main protagonist, we'll call him EyeGuy (you'll SEE why in a minute; SEE what I did there?). EyeGuy is taking his pregnant wife to the doctor. Now, being the super-intellectual EyeGuy is, he is filming his wife in the car--while driving. I literally said out loud, "Yeah, cause when I'm driving my pregnant wife around and celebrating the concept of my unborn child, I also don't pay any attention to my surroundings." Literally five seconds later, their car is involved in an accident. EyeGuy loses an Eye and EyeWife loses the baby.

Cut to ten months later and we see EyeGuy designing himself his very own homemade EyeBall/EyeCamera/EyeMicrophone/EyeCloud. I literally had to pause the movie just to rant about how stupid this entire concept was. First of all, prosthetic eyes are very specifically designed. They're measured to fit each individual person's socket. Secondly, they're made out of very specific materials so as to be non-reactive with the human body. This means: You don't have a big metal USB dongle jabbing into your orbital socket! And putting yarn on it to replicate the blood vessels? I can't even begin to state how much irritation and how many infections and how much sepsis that would cause. I'm not really sure the purpose of the plot-device is, since it brings nothing new to the table. I suppose it's meant to excuse the "Why wouldn't they drop the camera?" idea, but it really doesn't. We see the POV of another character's camera all the time, so what was the point? There's also the fact that it picks up sound and EyeGuy has it bonked out of his head at least twice and never bothers to disinfect it before jamming it back in his head.

So EyeGuy and Eyewife are going on a cabin trip with their friends. They see a burning ball of light in the sky and something crashes to Earth--All without making the slightest impact noise. Hate to tell you this sweetie, but even something the size of the rock/incubator we see crashing to Earth is gonna make a noise you'd hear for miles (and destroy a significant area around it). Anyway, our EyeClub decides to shove their arms into the crater to see what's what. Because, you know, flaming deathballs aren't hot or anything. There's also absolutely no chance it's radioactive. Well, thanks to utter stupidity, the EyeClubForMen is now lost in the woods. From nowhere they hear EyeGuy's dog barking and follow it into a cave. They find a phone (was it the brothers? I don't know) and get menaced by an unknown entity. But we better not tell the girls what happened. Because, you know, women are weak chicken-headed creatures that will panic at the slightest provocation.

Well, anyway, we better batten down to protect ourselves. And by that, we mean, leave windows open and pray the massive glass doors are enough to protect us from the creature. Guess what, its not. So a bunch of jump-scares and shadows roam about. Well, I better re-lock the door despite the fact that its now clear the creature is inside the house...well, safe forever! One of the EyeFriends gets assaulted and later sleepwalks (sleep-hypnosis) into the woods. The EyeClub soon follow--despite the fact they couldn't find their own way home earlier. This whole thing really reminded me of the story of: A goat fell down the well, so Guy01 goes to save it and dies, so Guy02 goes to save him and dies, so Guy03--you get the point.

Well, it just so happens this cabin in the woods is very near The Largest Cornfield in Creation. But once again our heroes become lost. So, to save themselves they tie some balloons (yes, they brought a helium tank with them into the woods--wait, they didn't?) to the camera to send it aloft. They also happened to bring the longest string possible with them. Well, it seems our unknown entity has a penchant for stripping people naked (don't worry, you won't see any nudity) and leaving their empty clothes all layed out nice and neat in a cornfield. Our heroes banter back and forth about the creature's motivation and it goes exactly nowhere. Well, two of the EyeClub decide they're going to bicycle for help (the car is on the fritz) and are immediately lifted into the air and out of the movie.

Now it's just EyeGuy and his shrieking harridan of a wife. God this woman is really insufferable. Anyway, EyeGuy figures out the creature wants the meteorite/rock/incubator that he took out of the ground. But EyeGuy is super-smart; he's not going to give it up unless the creature submits to his terms of returning his friends. Um, buddy, you just saw that this creature had the ability/technology to lift people up into the air and make this disappear with nothing but a thought--I really don't think you're in the strongest bargaining position. Well, surprise surprise, the creature immediately overpowers our heroes and takes his wife. Well, he cries a little and the creature is revealed to be an alien. The rock turns out to be holding its baby. So, with baby in hand, the alien returns EyeGuy's friends, departs, and thanks to 911 the airforce is here to help--wait--what? Since when does 911 call the airforce--I don't even care anymore, we're done!

Thoughts: Jeez, what a mess of a movie. The "REC" symbol everywhere is completely immersion breaking and the fake camera-eye brings nothing to the table. The dialogue is abysmal. I literally commented that "If this was some other movie, everything they say would be credited as: Additional Dialogue By." When its not "look out" or "good morning" the dialogue is in par with Lassie. "I saw something." "You say you saw something?" "Yes, I saw something." "What did you see?" "I saw something!" "You saw something?" It's just ridiculously annoying how circular their conversations become. The accents are atrocious and ninety percent of the time it sounds like they're being dubbed over in ADR. The acting is ludicrous. I know its a staple of these films that the characters are called upon to act like idiots, but these people can't sell even the most basic human emotions. And what (very) little characterization we get comes out of nowhere and goes nowhere. There's a throwaway scene that shows that EyeGuy is veering towards alcoholism, its never spoken of before, or afterwards. Of course, I was too busy laughing so hard at "As your doctor" that I spit my drink out. There's also a scene where the wife goes from totally having me in her corner to immediately making me loathe her. Her and EyeGuy are having a moment where he is having a breakdown at the thought of trying for another child. He breaks down and cries and admits that he's not prepared emotionally for such a risk. Not trying to downplay that a man can't also be affected by such a thing, but dude, she had a life inside her body! But of course, EyeWife immediately loses all support when she issues an ultimatum that he give her a baby or risk losing her too! Um, if your entire relationship is based on the premise of him existing solely as your donor--perhaps you two don't need to be together. The rest of the characters? What other characters? OH RIGHT! Jeez, they were so one-dimensional I actually forgot they existed. Well, I'm sure their contribution to the story was so integral that it need not be mentioned.

Final Verdict: To be avoided. I will admit that there were a (precious) few scenes that had potential, but it's squandered in the hands of amateurs. The first scene in the cornfield had a lot of "Well, at least you're on the same continent as scary." moments. But given what we learn in the end, the entire premise of the fear is kind of stupid. The moment when they spot the balloons they'd been using to mark their path now clumped together and only a few feet away had potential. But with the ending, it begs the question of: Why would the alien be doing any of this? If someone kidnapped my kid, I don't think I'd spend my time gathering balloons just to spook them. As someone else pointed out: Shouldn't the alien be smarter than this? You can figure out intergalactic travel but you can't say "Hey! I'm sure you didn't mean to, but that's my kid you stole!" We're told that the alien is trying to use various members of the EyeClub to communicate, but it never pays off. Why not have your mind-minion just say "Give me back my kid!" Even if you assume it can only pick up simple words, "Give child" doesn't seem all that complicated. Bad acting, ungodly science on the CameraEye, terrible dialogue, ludicrous behavior, and mediocre scares at best.

The KAOS Brief (2017)

I don't want it discussed

[3/10 · 15 September 2020]

Okay, so some kids go camping and wind up finding some stacked rocks. Nope, nothing familiar there.

Oh, where to begin? Well, let's meet our protagonists. We have what I'm calling the Prime protagonist; a vlogger. We then have his boyfriend, his sister, and his sister's boyfriend. While I appreciate that none of these characters fit any stereotype or trope (there's no brainless blonde or macho jock for example) this unfortunately leaves them with very little personality. While this works well for selling them as the 'average' people, it doesn't give much room to hang your hat on.

So our little foursome is taking a camping trip in the woods together because--uh--oh look, a bird! Naturally, being a vlogger, our Prime wants to record everything. Well, thank god for him, otherwise we would have missed the thrilling unpacking, hiking, crashing the drone, etc. Seriously, the whole camping section of the movie feels mostly like filler material. Yes, I know it's supposed to set up the premise/conflict; but they could have just as easily seen the lights in the sky from their backyard and cut out the middle-man. Oh yes, our group spots strange lights in the sky while they're camping. Of course, being the coolest thing ever for his vlog, our vlogger decides to film it off-center while breaking to get close-ups of his friends. After the next night (I think?) they find stacks of rocks piled up outside their tents. They film this as evidence of the 'aliens/ufos' despite the fact that it proves absolutely nothing to the vlog audience, as they could have done it themselves in the night.

Well, back to our daily lives of---constantly being in the same house together. I know that two are siblings but the boyfriends seem to almost be living there. Since we're told that at least two characters are only 17, this is a bit questionable (as is their talk about making a sex tape). So our Prime uploads the videos and strange things start happening. He's contacted on a Skype-stand-in and warned that he's now brought himself to 'their' attention and they 'don't want these things discussed'. Of course the Skype guy contacts him without the program offering "This person wants to contact you, will you accept?" Then our group gets a visit from the Men In Black (No, not Will Smith or Chris Hemsworth).

This is where the movie really starts falling apart. The problem falls into the 'suspension of disbelief' category. Want to do aliens? Fine, audiences don't mind that. Want to do a conspiracy film? Okay, you can get away with it, provided you do it well. But this whole MIB plot angle is a mess. First. Why would they care? Your video proves nothing! It's lights in the sky! We see those on news reports for God's sake! Our un-named (and un-explained!) Skype person says the MIB doesn't want these things discussed. Really? Better shut down all of YouTube then! Seriously, go search for 'UFO footage' or 'crypitds', 'aliens', 'bigfoot', etc, and see how many results you get. You could spend the next few years sorting through them. But yeah, your blurry footage of lights is just so amazingly undeniable it warrants the MIB's attention----right.

At this point the movie veers more into a conspiracy film where "They're everywhere!" Um, again--why? They're expanding massive resources just because you're so super special awesome? The cops can't even follow murderers around 24/7, but these guys will follow all four of you around all the time? Well, we went to the police, but then we saw the MIB with the police! Well, we tried one thing and we're all out of ideas! Better hole up in our house and complain about it! Evidently all the power of the Secret Government can be stopped by a locked door!

So, more weird things happen. Our protagonists lose time, find implants in their bodies, see mysterious balls of light, and hear each other screaming when they are actually asleep. But the real icing on the cake? They're in their basement/laundry area and they hear a radio (and its coming from inside the house!) They discover that there is a false wall in their basement/laundry with a mysterious set-up. Well, good thing mom and dad left that running while they were on vacation. Or did the aliens turn it on? OOOH (Cue X-files theme). It's also nice that we've never noticed it our entire lives. So we're shown a video of the brother and sister being taken to a (hanger?) as children where they see an alien. This was somewhat alluded to by the Skype person earlier. "I know you don't remember a portion of your life" or something to that affect. Well---then how does Skype-guy? This isn't a case where either sibling notices a huge chunk of their lives were gone, they don't remember not-remembering! The sister says she had some vague memories of it, but chalked it up to bad dreams. But don't worry, these tapes aren't explained. Neither is Skype-Indrid, or how he knows about anything.

The movie rushes headlong into any ending it can find---the end. Oh wait, forgot to mention our titular bookends. Apparently this whole thing is some underground rebellion posting it to "expose the truth". "We're hiding from the government---but feel free to browse our website's gift shop!" It's really weird and out of place. Honestly it seems tacked on to provide the movie a title. It's as if they couldn't think of a title and when the found one they just added these bookends to help it make sense. We're told that our protagonists disappeared and that no reports have been filed and that they're families are also missing. How do you know? No reports have been filed! Assuming that each protagonist had two parents--that's 12 people you're having to cover up. Plus their bosses, co-workers, friends, they're families....that's a lot of work for some blurry lights and a few rocks.

Final thoughts: Meh. The acting could have been worse, but it could have been better too. The vlogger's boyfriend is a little wooden at times "I'm so scared" he said as he tried to stay conscious during the line read. The rest are mostly fine given what they have to work with. Special affects (if you call light a special affect) are what you'd expect for 'made for a dollar' level. While I know its a staple of the 'found-footage' and 'vlog-entry' films, the constant cut-to-black in between sequences got a bit old. I know it's showing that these are entries, but I felt like I was having a stroke. Sometimes they only last for two minutes at a time, so it gets old real quick. Like Shadowhunters I did appreciate gay characters that weren't portrayed as 'Ew, a bug!' and that they're relationship was never brought up as objectionable to any other party. At its core, its only slightly better than the amateur movies people make on YouTube. It won't destroy your brain, but you may find yourself playing a phone-game during certain parts.

Secret of the Wings (2012)

Honey, I shrunk the Elsa

[6/10 · 29 August 2020]

So, let me just get ahead of this. Yes, I am aware that the Tinkerbell movies are meant for children. There, we all good? Okay. I'll start by saying that I actually enjoy the Tinkerbell movies. I very much appreciate that they understand their demographic perfectly. By this, I mean, they don't pander or talk down to their intended audience. This is not a case of, 'Hello children, I'm Mr. Sun. I bring light and warmth' at all. For the most part, the movies are very well written for the 'older than eight, but younger than fifteen' age-range. Now, having said that, let's get to nitpicking. The Secret of the Wings is perhaps the movie that stands out the most in contradiction to everything laid out in the other films. Things that were expressly stated as fact get tossed out the window whenever it becomes convenient. It's basically "Retcon: The Movie" In the first Tinkerbell film, upon her birth in Pixie Hollow, we see that the fairies are sorted into houses...er I mean...they are assigned/chosen by their talent. Here, we very clearly see a snowflake being placed down as one of the potential talents. Yet, in Secret Wings (just for ease) we're told something different. Apparently now the winter fairies are winter fairies only because the winds took them there. So, they don't so much get assigned or chosen to their talent as they just got bad directions. In the first film we see a winter Minister as one of Queen Clarinet's (Yes, I know its Clarion) advisors. This is not the same person we meet this movie, one Lord Milori. Now, I know that it could be explained as 'A Lord and a Minister are not the same thing. Maybe Milori was just busy.' But it still doesn't explain why the Minister seems capable of functioning in the 'warm season' area with no danger to himself. Now for a huge one. We're told that once upon a time that Lord Milori and Queen Clarinet fell in love. But at some point one of them crossed the season border and Milori wound up breaking a wing. This is presented as supposedly being very sad because it means he cannot fly. (RECORD SCRATCH!) WHAT? The movies have repeatedly made it abundantly clear that the fairy's wings are mostly decoration. In the Lost Treasure movie it was said many many many times over. A huge function of the plot revolved around Tinkerbell running out of Pixiedust and needing to walk. Even if you argue that Pixie dust is only the base mechanic and they still need wings to steer and such, you'd be wrong. In Great Fairy Rescue we clearly see not only humans, but animals getting sprayed with Pixiedust and becoming quite adept fliers without the use of wings. So, I'm not really sure what Milori's problem is. Yeah, a broken wing sucks, but spray on some Pixiedust and you'll be fine apparently. Heck, even in this movie the statement is made that without the Pixiedust tree they will no longer be able to fly and that life will change forever. This seems to clearly indicate that it is the Dust itself that provides them with their flying abilities. Now for the biggest one of all. We learn in this film that Tinkerbell has a...dun dun dun... long lost sister! Despite what we saw in the first movie they're gonna retcon the heck out of her birth and show that two fairies were born of the same laugh. Did you know, many websites, agents, and publishers will automatically reject stories where a character suddenly has a long lost sibling? It's considered trite and desperate storytelling that shows no original thinking. There's a reason you don't see "Harry Potter and his lost brother Jerry". Last, but not least, the message. The moral of this one gets oddly muddled. We have Tinkerbell discovering a new world, becoming enraptured by it, being told she cant go there, and deciding to go anyway. Oh, if only we'd had this plot once before already! Yes, it is basically a re-hash of the first movie's plot. It really makes Tinkerbell come of as a very selfish person. Lady, you already got to go to the mainland, something that was unheard of to your kind before you EARNED it. Now, she wants to do it again. This would be like if Ariel went through all the trouble of getting legs from Ursula, came on land and then realized that she could go into outer space. It just seems to send the odd message of 'Always want what you can't have. Then break the rules until you get it.' Queen Clarinet and Lord Milori point out to each respective sister that the rule is not there to be cruel or heartless, it's there to protect them from harm. "You see that 'High Voltage' sign on that door? Trust me when I tell you that the puppy dog store is not behind that door. There's deadly High Voltage back there!" But when its later revealed that Tinkerbell has broken a wing, the respective rulers do a one-eighty. "This happened because we wouldn't let you be together." No, it happened because they broke the rules designed to keep them safe! Its the equivalent of telling your child not to play on the broken down, rusty swingset; but they do it anyway and break an arm; then you saying 'This is my fault for not letting them play on the dangerous swingset!' Another interesting thing of note is exploring the frost-realm. The movie is fairly lackadaisical when it comes to the realm's inhabitants. See Mr. Director, we know all of Tinkerbell's friends, we don't know Periwinkle's friends. We get a quick 'This is Tina' and that's all. Who are these people? What are there personalities? Who is that hunk that works with the Owls? Oh, my! Parkas for everyone! Sled?! His name is Sled? Wow, how long did that one take Mr. Writer? Final thoughts. Not a bad movie (when judging on the scale of children's movies). As always with these films, the animation is done well (trust me, its well above that of the Barbie movies!) It was interesting to see Queen Clarinet's character get some backstory. Its just sad that every time a character gets introduced in these films they're immediately regulated to a cameo in the next one. In the Lost Treasure we got introduced to Blaze the firefly, but in Great Rescue it was a cameo. In the Pirate Fairy movie that comes after this, Periwinkle spends the entire movie sleeping! But again, this movie just seems to jut out as the "Watch as we Retcon live before your very eyes!" A huge part of the plot is just a rehash of the first one with Tinkerbell wanting to be "Part of your world" and the moral lesson is a bit muddled.

Your Worst Nightmare (2014– )

Investigating the Investigation

[3/10 · 21 July 2020]

I don't know what it is about the ID shows, but they always seem to pick and choose what parts of a story they want to tell. They don't seem to realize how easy it is to Google information about these cases. The information left out seems inversely proportional to how long the show runs. Seasons one and two have moments of "Huh, I wonder why they didn't mention this part?" But the longer it goes on the more ridiculous the oversights are. It really starts to carry a stink of "But only the people we are interviewing matter." Sometimes it seems like the equivalent of interviewing a Dahmer survivor and failing to mention that he killed fifteen other people.

For example: There was one case that they made a huge fuss over how religious the family was and how it must of been God that protected and saved them. The mother and daughter were kidnapped and held hostage by a former student of hers. But the show completely fails to mention that while kidnapping the two of them, he also kidnapped and murdered a young boy for witnessing what was happening. It just reeked of sillyness. "God was with us." Well, he didn't seem to be with that little boy who only died for seeing what was happening!

In another case a woman's ex-boyfriend goes on a killing spree. He winds up killing the family that was sheltering her and then kidnapping her. The re-enactment then becomes very generous with its timeline. According to the show's version they went to a hotel and almost immediately he wigs out and wants to leave and she spots a cop and heroically runs for help. What they fail to mention was that they most certainly weren't there for mere minutes. In real life there were a lot of questions about her involvement and how much was happening against her will. According to the hotel manager she was away from the guy on multiple occasions to buy snacks and drinks. To him, she seemed "Chipper and happy" and at no time did she seem tortured or under any duress, nor did she relate that she was being held against her will, which she could have done at any time. The show also fails to mention that after she escaped he killed another person in a carjacking. Then, when they relate the part about him kidnapping the woman's mother, they completely leave out two other human beings! "OH NO! He has my mother!" What they fail to mention is that mom's boyfriend and a twelve year old boy were in the house and held hostage as well. Why? Why fail to mention this? Did you overlook two people? Or is it just more heroic if only female victims are involved? The show also fails to mention that our heroine and her mother both heroically sued the police department and lost. Their claim was that the cops failed to adequately protect them, only problem was, the cops had offered both of them protection on numerous occasions, including having an officer in their homes.

It just seems like the entire show is conveniently one-sided. Every victim's story starts with: "They were sweet, innocent, well-liked, beloved, had many friends, and in their spare time they fed the starving leper orphans of Calcutta." Whether the producers are poorly researching these stories or just ignoring the inconvenient stuff....the decision is questionable at the least. We want to hear the whole story, not just some "version" of it.

Sex Sent Me to the ER (2013– )

We know all your secrets!

[2/10 · 1 July 2020]

Given the topic of this show, I'm going to have to watch what I say, so forgive any euphemisms.

As others have pointed out, the editing is bad. The story begins and you get the opening explanation of what led to them going to the ER. Then, we switch to another couple's story, then another. When we cut back to story number one, we get one nugget of further information and its back to story number two. To say the show is padded for runtime is an understatement.

The Stories: I have to say, a lot of times the stories seem a bit...embellished. It's not so much the sexy escapades that led to the ER, its what happens once they're in the ER that things get zany. A lot of the time you just can't help feeling that the directors said 'Hmm. Your story is cute, but wouldn't it have been better if your mother had been involved?' It seems like that in every story there are always witnesses around to increase the storyteller's embarrassment. It really leads your mind down the road of "Why would they be there? Why would they be in the room? How is this their business?" In real life, I can't see too many ER doctors allowing so many unrelated people to just hover around. In most cases the Dr would say "Are you my patient? Are you my patients wife/husband? No? Then get out, we need room to work!" I particularly love how each story contains re-tellings of the hospital staff blabbing these patient's medical information to anybody that happens to be standing nearby. In one particularly glaring case a nurse came out (after the lady had been treated) and blurted out "Boy, it's not often we have to remove a sex toy from a woman's 'lady parts'!" She allegedly does this in front of the patient's boyfriend's boss, his wife, and the entire waiting room. Do you have any conceivable notion of what a massive lawsuit the hospital would be facing if one of their staff did that? There are multitudes of laws and regulations in place that protect a patient's privacy. And yet, there are endless stories about how "The doctor lifted up my gown and exposed my parts to my entire family reunion who had all managed to cram into the treatment area."

The Doctors: So, some of the doctors originally involved in these cases give their accounts. It's amazing how hypocritical they are made to sound. "A patient needs to tell us everything. I just don't understand why people try to hide things. We have to make a proper diagnosis! Really, why don't they trust us with their embarrassing secrets? Now, let me tell you about this one patient's humiliating incident!" Now, I know that in most cases the couple's are participating too. I know that this means they probably gave their consent for the doctor to discuss their case. But in some stories, there are no patients and its just the Doctor relating the story...which means the patient probably didn't consent. I can't imagine why your patients aren't more forthcoming! In addition, in some of the cases, the lead-up to the injury has almost no bearing on the diagnosis or treatment. In other cases, its fairly obvious what the couples were doing and yet the Dr acts like they want a blow-by-blow account of every step. In one particular episode a guy got a vacuum hose stuck to his guy-parts. "Well, what were you doing?" Umm, I think that's fairly obvious! The Dr says "Time is of the essence!" but then will spend hours playing twenty questions about something flagrantly obvious. Does knowing 'He was using the vacuum for sexy time really help you in figuring out how to get it off? Again, it just seems like the directors are instructing the people to pad out their stories. "We didn't want to tell him." "They didn't want to tell me." "We told him a little." "They told me a little." "We finally told the truth." "They finally told me the truth."

The Actors: I'm talking about the actors in the re-enactments here. It's just hilarious to watch these people stumble through trying to say the medical jargon. You'd swear that half these 'actors' were just people the directors picked up at the bus station. I also love how unprofessional the re-enactments make the hospital look. Whether its the nurse whose too busy playing a video game on her tablet or the female nurses getting all hot and bothered by a male patient...I'm not sure I'd want to come to your hospital, lol. Then there's the Harlequin-esque 'romantic' endings where the couples say something so cheesy and cornball it just makes you laugh.

Final Verdict: This show ranks as: "Well, there's nothing else on!"

Camp Cold Brook (2018)

Camp Boring

[1/10 · 16 March 2020]

So. A group of (rolls dice)....paranormal tv show crew people, go to investigate (rolls dice)....a haunted summer camp. In doing so they discover that the stories are true and it really is haunted. It's a set-up we've seem a trillion times, and beyond the "Ours takes place in a summer camp" angle, this one brings nothing new to the mix. Did CMM fire his agent or something? This seems to be a whole new low for him. I've seen him in some D-list stuff before, but this is just sad. So, tv crew is off to Camp Crystal....er...I mean Camp Cold Brook. We are told that some time ago, a lady poisoned and drowned the kids (and councilors presumably). And by poisoning and drowning....we totally mean she used witchcraft. So poisoning and drowning translates into "Making them go crazy and carrying rocks into the water". Just a quick little retcon for you there. We are told however that two of the kids were never found. The lady did this....because her daughter died? It's rather unclear. But, have no fear! Paranormal team is here! They start off by bribing the sheriff into granting them access, which apparently means taking golf-carts to the camp. Soooo...golf carts can make it there, but cars can't? We're given the cliche exposition that cell-phones don't work here, and the radio doesn't have the range to reach the town. But who cares? Lets get introduced to our cameras. These are special 3-axis gimble cameras "So there's none of that shaky-cam crap!" Well that sounds nice, that would be a good change of pac....you're never going to use them are you?! Despite the fact that these cameras are all super technological, you're still required to hold them in your hand like a scepter. Ever heard of a go-pro?! But yes, these cameras are used sparingly...as in like twice. Were they rented or something? Why bother introducing this concept if you're not going to use it?! They explain that these cameras have a "selfie-mode"...which again, gets used like one time. This one-time usage is understandable, as it does CMM no favors. Dude...you're a good looking guy, but nobody looks good that close-up! I can see the blood vessels in your eyelids for God's sake! As you can imagine, strange and "scary" things start happening. A guy falls in the water We find that there are spiders in the camp...that's been abandoned for 30 years. Yep, sounds like the work of a paranormal entity to me! Is it 30 years, or 20? They seem confused on that. I think perhaps they realized that by saying 30 years, it would put CMM's character in his 40's. Did I also mention how those spiders managed to put cobwebs up through the hallways, and over the camera that was placed there? Yes, you can say the witch did it...but its just a silly oversight. So, we've got Danielle Harris freaking out about seeing things on the cameras. Wasn't that rather the point dear? We've got the other lady with the spiders. We've got CMM...wandering around. And we've got a guy who seems to be experiencing narcolepsy at the hands of the witch. Or maybe he just got an advanced copy of the movie? CMM decides to take Danielle back to civilization through the wilderness. The wilderness that was so rugged that it was inaccessible to cars. They have the requisite Blair Witch "It's not the same log Mike!" moment and return to camp. Things take and odd turn back in the normal world. CMM's wife calls up some lady and tells her that CMM might come for a visit. She freaks out when she learns that he's gone to Camp Boring, and runs off to save him. This scene probably would have been more dramatic if we knew who this lady was. We find that it is CMM's mother, but I must have missed the part where they told us that. So anyway CMM Mom is in town now and is searching for the sheriff. He finds her in her car and the two have a very odd conversation. Apparently CMM is one of the two children that was "NEVER FOUND" and he just has some very selective amnesia. CMM's mom is worried about what the witch is going to do to him. The Sheriff shrugs it off as crazy talk and CMM Mom says "You know what we did!". No, we really don't. The two of you might, but the audience hasn't been given this information as such. What the heck are you talking about? Don't worry....it's never explained. Narcolepsy decides he can't stand this movie anymore and goes to drown himself. Hey, I'm right there with ya buddy! CMM tries to save him, but to no avail. Man, this lake hardly seems big enough to drown two people, let alone 28! So, its finally revealed that the (location scout? What was her job again?) was the other "NEVER FOUND" child. Only she remembers what happened, and the ghost/witch has been haunting her ever since. Having decided that being haunted your whole life is a bad thing, she decides to help ghost/witch out by being her minion. I know I always help my lifelong ghost-stalkers out! I'm a bit confused at this point in the movie. How come she can remember what happened but CMM can't? How come the witch haunted her, but not CMM? How come the witch spared her in the first place? Was she hiding like CMM did? Does CMM not care that he can't remember a significant portion of time at a fairly developed age? So the witch snaps Danielle's neck, and CMM tries to save her. Um buddy, that's great and all....but she broke her freaking neck! CMM gets clubbed on the head with a rock...and nothing of value was lost! Then....What? What the heck just happened? Seriously! We're treated to some fast-forward footage (possibly still-shots) of mom and sheriff showing up....and nothing! CMM wakes up in the hospital. Boy his wife is just grinning from ear to ear at the idea of her husband's head trauma isn't she? She tells of how CMM was saved, and his injury was (reportedly) caused by trying to save Narcolepsy from drowning. Uh-huh. And what about Danielle? How did they explain that one sweetie? By the way...where's mom? Where's the sheriff? If they showed up and presumably saw what was happening...why is evil girl still wandering about freely? Shouldn't mom be here to provide me with some backstory? Don't talk crazy audience! You'll be getting no explanation from us! So evil girl comes in and tries to make nice, and CMM's wife FaceTimes their kids...and....DUN DUN DUN...their new babysitter is the witch! She's come to take the two children as the final two sacrifices she needed. Say what? Then why didn't she just do that to begin with?! Why go through all the riggermarole of any of this? Why not just sneak in, in the dead of night and whisk them away without anyone being the wiser?! You know one of the key elements of a movie? Having a freaking ending! This is right up there with Skyline where they just cut to comic book panels to finish the movie. Did you run out of budget? This is why you always save budget for the beginning and the endings! All in all, this movie doesn't even rise to the level of shlock. Not even cheesy good. Yet another clone in the army of "Paranormal people find the paranormal" type movies. Low budget, wooden acting, and not scary in the least. And the lack of any real ending puts the final nail in its coffin.

A Million Little Pieces (2018)

All made up...and it shows

[1/10 · 14 March 2020]

Never read the book, but was aware of the stink it caused when it was revealed that it was all made up. The movie seems equally made up from the get go. I know that movies are fiction and all that...but if they're supposed to take place in our reality...shouldn't they follow the rules of our reality? Even accepting that this took place in the eighties....you cannot just throw an unconscious person on a plane! That's called kidnapping sweetie. And since the predicate act crossed state lines...now its a Federal offence. How did the 'doctor' know where to send him? Who paid for the 'five minutes from now' plane ticket? I'm with the character on this one when the stewardess says she's not allowed to give him a drink. "Says who?" That 'Doctor' is not his doctor, he has absolutely zero authority to give you orders in regards to him. And its nice that (presumably) his family has the money to pay for this treatment. Cause let me tell you...treatment facilities ain't cheap! So, I couldn't even make it to the ten minute mark myself. The only thing the film really had going for it was Aaron getting his kit off twice. Other than that, it just seems like one big PSA advert. This movie is your brain on drugs! It's a fictional movie, based on a fictional book, dressed up to seem like a true story.

The Golden Palace (1992–1993)

A car missing a wheel

[2/10 · 10 March 2020]

So, Golden Girls was very popular. But Bea Arthur decided it was time to hang up her hat and step away. I've heard and read conflicting reports about what led to this decision. Some say that she felt that the show had reached its apex, and that continuing on would be like beating a dead horse. Others say she felt that the jokes and references weren't quite as funny anymore, and that all the references where really going to start dating the show. Others say that she had wanted to leave after season five (in solidarity with Terry Hughes leaving), but was talked into staying. But it doesn't really matter why she left, the point is....now we have a car with only three wheels. I've also read where Rue was against the idea of doing The Golden Palace, that she wanted to ask Debbie Reynolds (who had appeared as a possible replacement for Dorothy, when she was going to re-marry Stan) back on the show. From what I gather, Rue just wanted to more or less keep doing what they were doing, only with a new and interesting character thrown in the mix. Its not hard to imagine why she held this mentality. The Golden Palace presents a huge tonal and characterization shift when compared to its mother show. I can only imagine that the people in charge felt that changing things and shaking up the status quo was the way to go. It didn't work very well. First of all, throughout the entire run of Golden Girls, we've been told that the girls don't really have a lot of money. They were panicked by the idea of gathering 10,000 dollars for a new roof. I'm no real estate person...but I would imagine that buying a hotel costs significantly more than that....where did they get the money? Even selling the house wouldn't seem adequate to buying a hotel. Its also implied that Blanche and Rose gave up their regular jobs to focus on running the hotel. Isn't that going to put a strain on your already floundering new business? Then, we find that pretty much everyone that works here...also lives here. That's not a good thing Blanche! The idea of a hotel is to have rooms available to your PAYING guests. You now have at least five rooms that are now permanently off-limits; incapable of bringing in any money. These occupied rooms seem to include the Presidential suite in regards to Blanche occupying it. But enough about that. Let's talk about the employees...or lack thereof. In the first episode we learn that the people that sold Blanche the hotel had cooked the books a bit. In order to make it seem like the hotel was turning a profit, they had fired most of the staff. At the end of the episode, we're told that the girls made enough money to hire more staff.....we never EVER see this new staff. You have ONE guy working the desk. You have ONE guy acting as the chef. Now, we're told that the hotel has over forty rooms. But for simplicity, we'll say 40. Let's pretend that every room is booked by couples. That's eighty people this guy has to cook for! Anyone who's ever cooked a day in their life knows: Cooking is time-consuming and hard even for two people...let alone eighty! While we're told that they do have a housekeeping staff, we never see them, and such things are usually taken care of by Rose. Sweetie....that's 40 beds to change. 40 rooms to vacuum. 40 toilets to clean. 40 sets of blankets, sheets, and pillowcases to wash/dry/fluff/fold/put back. And that's not even counting scrubbing the showers, wiping down counters (etc). Is it any wonder that when Dorothy came for a visit she was upset that the girls were working her mother to death?! While we're on the old characters. They all seem a bit...off from their former selves. Estelle often seems like she's either forgotten her lines, or just can't be bothered. There are times in the show when she's supposed to have a line, and you just see her staring vacantly off into space. Rose is now the strong one. (When did you become the strong one?...I don't know!) Good question! You probably shouldn't point out that one of your characters is a different person now show! We learn that Miles (Rose's boyfriend) has fallen in love with another woman out of the blue and says that he's just confused and needs more time to sort it out. Rose gets all high and mighty about it and breaks off their relationship. Um Rose? Do you not recall the time when Buzz (her old boyfriend) came to town and you fell back in love with him? You told Miles that you were confused and needed more time! Granted, this relationship has never been particularly stable. At one point on GG, Miles was going to dump rose because she wouldn't go to bed with him (she was being celibate at the time). Then, he left the safety of the Witness Protection Program in order to be with Rose again. Then, he kissed Dorothy behind Rose's back. So, who knows with this relationship? Blanche meanwhile, has picked up a brand new brother. One that we've never heard about in SEVEN years of GG. But he's totally always been there folks! The reason for this oversight we're told is that: Blanche is ashamed of him because he's mentally handicapped. And the writers evidently saw nothing wrong with portraying their character as being so selfish and horrible as to lie about such a thing...for over 40 years! But its okay, Blanche comes to accept him as he is, and to love him despite the embarrassment he causes her....he's never seen or spoken of again. But, onto the staff. We have a cute little Cousin-Oliver-Syndrome child named....Oliver. Wow! Weren't even trying to hide it were you show? But don't worry. Out of 24 episodes, he only sticks around for 8 of them. Guess they figured out that Cousin-Olivers just don't work. I particularly love how within the first few episodes the character makes a comment about reporting them for child labor. Yeah...that's not a joke people, you're making a (12?) year old do the work of 5 grown men. Then we have Chuy, the cook. (Which one is Cheech and which one is Chong?) I'm still not entirely clear on what characterization this guy was supposed to have beyond the fact that he was Mexican. As is so often the case...it was basically just "Look! It's Cheech everybody!" But I gotta say, if I was staying in this hotel, I'm not sure I'd want to eat the food. Chuy wears the same filthy smock-apron day in and day out. He's often seen wandering about the hotel in this filthy thing. If I saw that....think I'd stick with take-out. Then we have Roland the manager, played by Don Cheadle. This character alone made me really resent this show. From the moment we're introduced to him, we see he has a completely reprehensible attitude problem. Within five minutes of meeting the new owners (his new bosses!) he flies into a rant about "Well congratulations! You ran a house!" Excuse me? Perhaps we weren't clear on the fact....we are the new BOSSES! One or two episodes later, Roland completely disregards what Blanch tells him to do. He completely countermands her orders and tells the staff to "Ignore her, go back to how it was, and come to HIM with any problems." All right in front of Blanche's face. And the episode would have you believe that it was Blanche that was in the wrong here, forcing her to apologize to Roland. If Blanche's name was Gordon Ramsey...I think we'd agree: Roland would have been out on his back...and possibly in a full-body cast. But instead, we're handed: "Now now WOMAN, you go ask that MAN over there if its okay that you run your own business and make your own decisions." I hate to play the gender card...but had Blanche been a man, I think we'll all agree that he wouldn't have done anything approaching that level of disrespect. It seems a very poorly thought out thing to have your female character always "being wrong" when compared to the male character. To have her always having to apologize to him, beg his forgiveness, and go running to him to fix her problems when "she screws up". That the poor little women just have no idea how to run a business and need a man's help in order to function...way to be progressive show. All in all, The Golden Palace is the hollowed out husk left behind by The Golden Girls. It reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns 'died' and Homer and Smithers had to rig his corpse to wires and jostle him about, in order to convince people he was still alive. The characters are no longer the people we came to love. The plot and setting are rather illogical. The jokes aren't particularly funny. I only recall actually laughing out loud once...when Rose shot the 'ghost'. So, its generally best to pretend that this show never happened, as it leaves a stain on the Golden Girls name.

Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015)

A flawed photocopy

[5/10 · 25 January 2020]

I'm a big fan of Betty White, so I decided to watch this show finally. I must say after watching the entire thing..I was left disappointed at the end. While Betty carries a lot of the show (and is more or less responsible for it getting a 5 instead of a 4 star rating, the show itself felt hollow. First of all...if you see the "behind the scenes" specials, you'll see Sean Hayes talking about how there had never been a show like this. A show about four 'older' women re-discovering their sexuality and learning you can still have a life after a certain age? Yep, doesn't sound familiar at all....right Betty? So it already was hobbled right out of the gate for being a more or less re-make of Golden Girls. Betty seems to basically be playing Sun Ann from Mary Tyler show if she were in her 90's (one of the reasons Betty and Rue swapped characters on GG was so Betty wouldn't be playing that same kind of role). As for the show itself...it really falls into the sitcom genre perfectly...a little too perfectly.....sometimes felt like you were watching Three's Company or Love Boat given the ludicrous situations the girls find themselves in. Yes, I know that this is what a sitcom is, it just didn't click with me for some reason. It seemed like they focused on desperately trying to put them in a zany situation rather than focusing on any kind of actual story. The balance of the story vs the whacky situation just seemed off. There were many many lost/missed opportunities to explore further into a story and find something more meaningful. I'm not saying turn the entire show into a drama....but comedy doesn't have to be on call twenty-four hours a day either. It seemed like they had a mandate of "Comedy at all costs! Nothing substantive whatsoever!" and I feel like that ultimately hurt them. Nothing that happened seemed to mean anything, and any story that should have or could have meant something was either ignored, or abandoned within a few episodes. Elka's supposedly dead husband turning back up alive? You could have explored how hurt she was by this...How she'd grieved for him, given up a portion of her life longing for him not taking opportunities to find someone else to be with due to her grief, but it's shrugged off as almost inconsequential within a few episodes, and barely mentioned again. Melanie's brain tumor? You really could have spread that out over an entire season, touching on what a woman goes through when she has an illness of that type (hair loss, weight loss, fear, not knowing). Could have had her reconnect with her family and re-evaluate the choices she's made, or had her become closer to her friends as they helped her through her ordeal, realizing that they were her family...instead it's referenced a few times and then dismissed utterly....with no health consequences at all....she even mentions how she's "sick and tired of being sick and tired".....umm you've been none of those, the show has not depicted you being "sick" in any way whatsoever. Ever hear the expression "Show, don't tell" ? Well, show her being sick so we actually sympathize with her plight rather than saying she was without any shown evidence to support it. People who go through radiation and other medical procedures like that really have to endure something terrible...but the show made it seem like she had an inconvenient flu rather than something traumatic. The rest of the show is a hodgepodge of "let's set back the women's movement about two decades". "Oh why, why can't we get a man...women need men, they have no identity without a man! Now lets act like complete psychos...and wonder why we can't keep a man...must be a man's fault!". "It's okay for me to violate a man's privacy by searching through his possessions, hacking his phone, or putting a gps tracker on his car/phone...and for me to have frank discussions about rating him on his ability in the sack, or his "size" or something else private...but if he does anything at all similar...better dump him..he's a pathetic loser and I can never trust him again! Why oh why do I have such bad luck with men?!" And of course by the end of the show they all wind up with a man...can't have any woman not having a man can we? Other than that, it was somewhat enjoyable...but could have been more. Most jokes got a small chuckle...and the only belly laughs seemed to come from Betty "This never happens on Password!". But seeing the guest stars was cute and nostalgic...even if after a while it seemed like it went down the Simpsons path of "Guest Stars are more important than plot". Ultimately, it was worth a watch, but just doesn't seem like it would hold up to multiple re-watches...the jokes and situations just don't seem to have that timeless quality to them and the somewhat negative portrayal of women as hypocritical man-crazed lunatics really detracts from it's longevity.

Charmed (1998–2006)

The Power of Four....Decent Seaons

[4/10 · 25 January 2020]

Charmed follows three sisters who discover they're witches. They must fight the forces of evil...and still find time to get manipedis.

The first four seasons of this show are...alright. They're that 90's kind of alright. If it weren't for the following it somehow got, this show probably would have been another Love & Curses. But for whatever reason....people liked this show...or advertisers....somebody. I'll openly admit that I stuck around with it far longer than I should have, and stayed to the next to last season (before they brought in Cousin Oliver....er I mean...Billie).

I think one of the things this show had going in its favor was the fact that it was still way early in the DVD and streaming eras. Thus it was difficult to watch the show outside of its tv schedule. This really worked in favor of the show, because when you watch it back to back and one episode on top of the other...you really see how terrible it gets once Holly Marie Combs and Alyssa Milano become producers.

Where once the show had potential and occasionally had an interesting episode that dealt with character growth...or the occasionally interesting story arc....they die quick deaths once those two are at the helm. Where once there was the Piper/Leo arc about them fighting for their love...now it is her constantly belittling him and shrieking at him like a harridan. Where once there was the Phoebe/Cole arc there is now her going through a phone book of insanely rich/powerful/handsome men...who she dumps after only a few episodes. One particular guy when she finally hooks up with him and expresses her feelings...the very next episode is "I feel like we're growing apart." And this is what I mean about watching it on top of itself...the constant whining and shrieking about their petty lives becomes really apparent. Gone are the days when the sisters were proud to fight for innocents...now they're are nothing but an annoying inconvenience to their self-perceived importance. As one reviewer put it..."Do they think that life is nothing but spa-days and no problems ever?" And yes, that seems to be exactly what the characters think.

Another thing I didn't care for was the inverse feminism. Once, the girls either worked in high profile businesses...or owned their own high profile businesses. Later on it becomes "But really empowered women stay home to be mommies; cooking dinner, having babyshowers, and tupperware parties!" Not that there's anything wrong with that in the slightest, but couldn't they do both? Some women do you know? It just seemed in bad taste that the girls were portrayed as wanting nothing more than to stay home getting facials, while simultaneously being obsessed with getting married and having kids before they hit the desiccated age of 34. Seriously. At one point Phoebe has a premonition of herself having a child and becomes psychotically obsessed with fulfilling it....whether or not she loves the man or not...he just needs to serve as a donor! They could have just put one of those secretary characters from a 40's movie who sits around filing her nails, blowing gum, and waiting for a big strong man to defend her into a role and no one could have told the difference.

All in all the show is....meh. The first four seasons are "Brain-dead" watchable. The rest are to be avoided. Whether its the constant costume episodes, the constant whining, the arcs that now only last 3-6 episodes, the wooden guest actors (looking at you Drew Fuller), the plot inconsistencies, or just plain terrible stories about Piper or Phoebe and their "Can do no wrong" characters....avoid anything after season four.

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019)

Finding Maleficent

[5/10 · 1 January 2020]

Well, finding a character's family worked once...why not again? So...Oreo and Phillip are getting married and catwoman doesn't like that. Cue a slow paced plot, and a shortage of dutiful character exploration!

By and large, this movie felt fairly tedious. It seemed as if it was nothing more than "Well. The first one made enough for a sequel...throw something together quick!" Oh yes Maleficent...didn't you know that your species was just a quick five minute flight away?! You've spent thirty-some years (being generous!) without ever noticing them flying about...not even once. So Oreo wants her "Mother" to meet Phillip's mother...cue a My Fair Lady scene! Well Queen Pfeiffer has a chip on her shoulder towards Fay-Folk it seems. Though it seems that her hatred might be justified. Seems her brother was killed by fairies. The movie does absolutely nothing to counter this plot point. So really...she's not wrong. Her methods might be questionable...but she does seem to have a point...fairies have killed people before. While humans have done so as well...the movie takes great pains to point out that Queen Pfeiffer is a nutjob. Certainly an ethnic cleansing isn't the answer, but she does have legitimate reasons for her mistrust and hatred. But moving on. Queen Pfeiffer poisons the King and frames Mal for it. Apparently she used the spinning wheel to do it...that will teach you to leave poisonous cursed objects just lying around! So despite the fact that Oreo named Mal as her mother not long ago...she is convinced of her guilt. Mal has to flee but is shot down. She is then saved by one of her own species. Waking up, Mal learns that she has her own species...who may or may not have powers...its rather unclear. They say they don't, then they're commanding the forces of nature to their aid. So Mal is given a little tour of the Aiwa tree from Avatar, then a tour through the biomes. We're told that this is why the various "Dark Fay" look different, and have different colors. Handy that all these various biomes were all right here next to each other! Then we're told that Mal is not a dragon, but rather, a Phoenix. A dark phoenix? Ooooohhhh. War comes. A lot of fairies die, few humans die, and Mal becomes a phoenix. Queen Pfeiffer gets turned into a goat, and everyone lives happily ever after...except all the dead people.

All in all, this movie is far more of a 'visual' film rather than a plot driven one. Most of the actors (Angelina included) seem to be mailing in their performances most of the time. The narrative, I found, was hard to invest in. There seemed to be nothing to 'hang your hat on'. When we discover Mal's people...we don't really learn anything about them. Other than the two main guys...I don't think a single fay talks to her. It was a completely wasted opportunity to explore her background, and for her to learn about her people. Why and how did she get separated from them? Did she have family among them? Who cares? We've got Queen Pfeiffer's story to set up and then abandon. That seems to be what this movie was really. Things being half-set up...then abandoned. So...a fairly braindead romp with some barely interesting visuals that we've seen a thousand times now.

The Boat (2018)

Doors are the enemy!

[8/10 · 25 September 2019]

So here we have a bottle movie. So we have local person....I don't think they ever gave the character a name actually. He's played by Joe Azzopardi so we'll just call him Joe. But holy moly are you gonna feel for this guy by the end! This dude is up there with Pi from the Life Of in terms of "How much bad luck can one guy have?!" So our hero sets out on his small boat and finds a bigger boat (take that Roy Scheider!) but soon finds himself stranded on the abandoned (?) boat. And though we are shown that he is skilled in many ways (he can tie elaborate knots, and is quite familiar with sails and such) but he can't seem to find directions. Kept hearing Nick Fury from Avengers..."Is the sun coming up? Then put it on the left!" Unfortunately for our hero, he also manages to get locked in a tiny bathroom, and here the suspense and anxiety begin. Not only is he trapped, but the ship collides with another larger boat and is taking on water. So the movie definitely tries to channel a few phobias and throw them into a high mix of anxiety. There is also the fact that our hero...may not be alone. It seems there may be someone else on board after all. As our protagonist found blood in the bathroom cabinet. There are also the sounds of knocking, running, banging, etc. Even after he's escaped the bathroom, there's more bad luck headed his way. Our hero builds a makeshift raft, fearing that the ship is sinking (and perhaps to escape his unseen company?) Realizing that the boat is not doomed to sink, our hero returns and manages to salvage and repair it. Soon after however our hero spots another ship and since he hasn't gotten the motor repaired is forced to abandon ship and try to reach it with his raft. Only to be run down...by his own boat, once again implying that he is not alone! Now our hero has nothing to do but float alone in the ocean...as something with a fin swims by in the dark! (Man Joe, which god did you anger?) Fortunately for Joe though turns out it was dolphins..and his boat has now returned to give him a ride. Joe collapses from exhaustion, but sleeps with a light on. Joe awakens to find that he's been locked in again. But now a strange whistle seems to guide him to a compartment that leads to the deck. So Joe enters.....and is locked into this even smaller space. That keeps happening to you...what's up with that Joe? But then Joe sees that outside, he is within spitting distance of land. So close and yet so far it seems. As Joe breaks down and sobs, pleads, cries, and begs for his captor to let him go. Finally it seems to listen and the door pops open, and Joe makes his way to land. For a time Joe searches nearby, intent to find his twisted companion...then watches in shock as the boat turns away and sails out back into the sea. Joe stumbles home in a daze...only to find that his original boat is back where it started. The camera pans out and we see the lost ship once again waiting in the harbor...perhaps waiting for Joe.

When I saw the trailer for this, I didn't honestly expect much. It's not the type of movie that really lends itself to a trailer. There's no explosions, and very little dialogue. There's anxiety, suspense, and even a little terror. But it doesn't come from one particular scene. But watching it is a whole other matter. An excellent addition into the isolation/claustrophobia/slow burn category of movies such as 127 Hours. Movies like this that depend on one actor and one location can be very hit or miss. To me this was a definite hit. Joe Azzopardi does an amazing job holding your attention. As I said, by the end of the movie, you are rooting for this guy. Like "Heck dude, chew your way out! You're so close!" The suspense and anxiety are done very well..for the first half or so. That's why I'm not giving it a perfect score. Don't get me wrong, it's a fantastic standalone movie, and I highly recommend it for those that like suspense films. But there were a few areas that I felt needed another coat of polish. For a long time the balance of "Is Joe crazy?" "Is someone else on board?" and "Is the boat haunted/self-aware?" was maintained wonderfully. But once the boat runs Joe down then comes back for him...that balance seems more than a bit shaken. It hasn't completely precluded the possibility of someone else being on board..but the odds of such a thing have dropped into the single digits. I would have preferred it if it had remained a more unanswered question. Again, it's not exactly answered, but it felt like you were given a strong wink and a nod towards the answer. Another point is lost on the fact that as I said. Joe gets trapped/locked in A LOT. It moves from terrifying to something more akin to frustration. By the third time you're like "Oh for the love of crap Joe...quit going into rooms that can be locked from the outside!" You're still feeling for poor Joe and you get his pain, anger, frustration, and such. But it was good that it quit on a hat trick, otherwise it was going to become tedious sooner rather than later. Despite these minor things, it's still a excellent movie, that's now found its way into my permanent collection. Give it a go...but leave your doors open!

Spider-Man: Far from Home (2019)

Europe gave us the Beatles, so we give them Spider-Man

[5/10 · 25 September 2019]

Watch as Peter Parker and his twenty-something friends pretend to be teenagers...again. Thrill as Peter's team of uber-geniuses get to go on a fabulous trip....again. Get bored as everyone spends an obscene amount of time graveling at Robert Down....Tony Stark's feet...again. Sigh as Spider-Man has to deal with a villain that's only a villain because of something Tony Stark did...again. Wonder why its necessary for Spider-Man to be aided in his antics by an Artificial Intelligence with access to superior technology and weapons of mass destruction...again. Face-palm as grown men berate a teenager for failing at tasks they also assign to people with advanced combat/tactics training, people with magical powers, or even gods/demigods...again. Be confused as to why a man that supposedly swore off WMD's gave loads of them to a sixteen year old. Be baffled as to why the director/writer keeps forgetting that these kids are supposed to be SIXTEEN years old. And has a grown woman order a SIXTEEN year old boy to take his clothes off, and another boy take pictures of him in his underwear...and its played for laughs. That's not funny that's ephebophilia! It's also a crime in most states nowadays. Had it been a grown man ordering a sixteen year old girl to take her clothes off, and someone snapping pictures...I doubt quite so many people would laugh. Try to grasp why Tony Stark would have turned down hologram technology if he was such a brazziliant smarty pants. My god man! He invented holodecks! Using it for video game adaptations alone would have made you richer than the dreams of avarice. Struggle to care that Peter is pining after another girl. Yes...another. He wasn't after Mary Ja...I mean Michelle in the first one. But this one is absolutely positively without a doubt his one true underage love interest...oh teenagers For he is a mere boy of sixteen, one who is already battling crows feet. Cringe every time you hear the term "Peter Tingle". Struggle as you try to understand the villain's master plan, as it can easily be undone by someone accidentally strolling through the hologram. As the illusions have no physical field to keep people from walking right into them....as Spider-Man swings into one with no issue whatsoever. Stifle your boredom as they try to make a 'what a twist' moment when revealing that a character named for an old school villain is revealed...to be a villain! Grieve as you watch Marisa Tomei's interesting and refreshing take on Aunt May get swallowed into the swamps of "These egotistical crybabies want even more screen time! They're spending more time out of their masks than in them. But now they want to annex the minute and a half you get now as well". All in all for me the movie falls somewhere into "Ant-Man" territory. Not bad, not great. If you turn off your brain its enjoyable kind of romp. But otherwise it just felt like the first one all over again, only with new scenery.

Survival Box (2019)

Running....away from this movie!

[3/10 · 11 September 2019]

Boy that was some silent apocalypse wasn't it? Anyway. So, some 'kids' are drinking and partying in what has to be the most elaborate bomb shelter I've ever seen when some...'disaster' happens. We're to assume it was a nuclear incident of some kind, but the best we're given is an implication, no actual confirmation. So fortunately the A.I. triggers the auto lockdown, trapping the kids inside, it also turns on the air, water, and constantly monitors for any issues...and yet it couldn't be programmed to transmit an S.O.S. automatically. Rather quickly we see a breakdown in their new society as one guy is coming down off of drugs, an one girl is a psycho. Instead of a nice slow burn to show the slow descent into madness, or the eventual breakdown of societal norms (a la Lord of the Flies) it's into the deep end we go. So we already know who the problem people are, and who the 'sweet innocent' ones are. So that's two hours of non-mystery we have to deal with. Then there's the dream sequences. We see the dreams of one of the survivors, I don't know why they focused on him, he was no more interesting than the rest, but whatever. We see him running through a forest in his dreams....again....and again...and again...and again. Think the movie was running short for time? (no pun intended). When something does not advance the plot, serves no function, and affects nothing..and it's used more than twice...yeah that's called wasting my time. So we have a guy that needs drugs, a chick that needs medication, and a guy with asthma who needs an inhaler. It's funny the way he keeps puffing on it, even when he is very clearly not having an attack. This is one of those 'movie illnesses' that follows only movie logic and not real world medicine. Out of 327 Million Americas, only around 4,000 a year die from asthma, with another 7,000 listed with asthma being a contributing factor. And again, only a handful of those need to puff on it like its a freaking vape pen! Usually an inhaler is for sudden onset attacks. But anyway. Druggy guy leaves the shelter, and "you can neveeerrr come baaaack!" Because he might be sick and contaminate them. What? Then why have the freaking suits if they're not good for anything? I can only assume that they're not designed for extended use or something, but the way they act, it seems like only a few moments outside even with the suits spells certain death. So more people start dropping like flies. And we're supposed to care, but I really didn't. These people had so little personality or established traits, it was like somebody bought mannequins in bulk. Pregnant girl dies, but the baby lives (lets hope it doesn't have asthma!) Older brother dies. Gay asthma decides he wants to hit on the straight guy (the one who openly shares a bed with a woman) because "Oh those wacky gay men, they just can't help themselves right?" But asthma dies soon after. Crazy girl goes...crazy. But its all alright in the end because of....umm...oh look a baby! Now the two sane ones leave the shelter and crazy girl behind. They take the baby too...inside one of the suits apparently. What is it just gonna live in there with you? What happens when it need to use the bathroom? Did you pack baby food into the boots or something? Oh well, who cares, movie over. Yep...movie over. Do they live? Do they die? Was it a war? A meltdown? How do they expect to make it 600 miles carrying a baby in a suit? Well, the movie isn't telling...probably because they spent too much time writing about some guy running, and not enough time writing an actual ending. I expect that the writer/director was going under the "But wasn't the ride worth it folks?" mentality. Let me tell you...no it wasn't!

Bad Times at the El Royale (2018)

A well balanced mystery romp

[10/10 · 9 August 2019]

I'm one of those people, who within 5 minutes of meeting each character I can predict the entire movie from then on. I know who the villain is, who will die, what the 'twist' is...etc. So I really enjoy non-linear out-of-sequence movies like this, especially when they're done well. And this one was done amazingly well. It plays to the 'puzzle' aspect of a mystery, you're given one piece at a time, and have to put it all in the proper order, and I for one like that. Rather than being handed the answer from the get go. All of the actors are spot on with their roles and with how they play them out of sequence. Allowing room for their character to move from a jerk suspect, to a figure of sympathy and trust without it seeming like a bi-polar mood swing. I really wasn't expecting much from Jeff Bridges as he always just seems to be playing The Big Lebowski again and again, but he managed to push it aside...for the most part. Chris Hemsworth surprised me as well, it was nice to see him playing the villain role. He managed to impart just the right mix of creepy, menacing, crazy, and intelligence into the part..and a villain needs those things. The movie also maintained a great balance between the time spent developing each character. Yes, as the leads, you spend a good deal of time with Jeff and Cynthia...but at no time do the other characters feel short-changed because of it. Great movie, well worth a watch (and a few re-watches!). If you're a fan of suspense and mysteries (especially puzzle mysteries) you should give this a go through...highly recommended.