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Suspiria (2018)
A disappointing experiment
Don't get me wrong, I wanted this movie to be great. I LOVE the original Suspiria directed by Dario Argento, and Call Me By Your Name was fantastic. All the talent involved (Thom Yorke, Tilda Swinton, etc.) made this seem like an instant classic before it came out. Then I watched it. All the elements that made Guadagnino's previous film amazing and all the elements that made the original film a giallo classic are nowhere to be seen here. Let's start off with the cinematography. The original film was gorgeous, stylish and impeccably shot, with colourful set design and beautiful wide angles. The remake is boring in terms of palette, with overwhelmingly blah browns and greys and very claustrophobic in terms of shots. This was a huge disappointment for me, as Call Me By Your Name was absolutely fantastic in terms of its cinematography and was one of the reasons I loved it so much. Second, this film is very unfocused narratively. Cryptic to the point of being alienating, the connections to the political turmoil in West Germany in the 1970s are annoyingly pointless and do not serve any purpose to the narrative. While this film features some great performances from its heavily-female cast (Swinton in particular KILLS it!), Dakota Johnson leaves a lot to be desired as the protagonist, with not much emotion being shown, and a very cardboard performance overall. Let's talk about the runtime for a second. This film DOES. NOT. NEED. TO. BE. TWO AND A HALF GOD DAMN HOURS LONG!! Considering how tight the original film and guadagnino's past films are edited, this is a huge disappointment and left me feeling exhausted after finishing my screening in the theater. Overall, Suspiria is possibly worth a watch out of curiosity, but i do not recommend it, even to fans of arthouse cinema like myself and definitely not to those who are looking for a modern retelling of Argento's finest. 5/10
The Hurricane Heist (2018)
2/10 as a serious film, 9/10 as a comedy
Let me be clear, The Hurricane Heist is one of the worst-made theatrical films I have ever seen. It's plot jumps all over the place, it has too many underdeveloped characters, its incredibly implausible, and has terrible acting and special effects. HOWEVER... I highly recommend viewing it if you love so-bad-it's-good films like The Room and Troll 2. Me and my girlfriend could not stop laughing during the entire movie (as was another group in our screening). Unintentional hilarity is constant, whether it's the main character's horrific Southern accent, cringey product placement, or hilariously overblown action scenes. I love that The Hurricane Heist came out in 2018, in a year filled with darkness and depression, sometimes we need a good old-fashioned terrible action movie to laugh out asses off to!