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robobeatnik
Reviews
Murder Mystery (2019)
Have the People Who Made This Even Been to Europe Before?
Americans: just so we're clear, being a cop in NY or California or South Dakota or Florida doesn't mean that you run the world. No one outside America cares that you're a cop in whatever American city you come from. The fact that we're supposed to believe that anyone outside of America cares that Sandler is a cop or that it would mean anything at all makes it clear that this movie is for total morons. Take away Sandler's cop persona and this movie is just two boring characters wandering around sets with stock footage of European cities thrown in. This movie is so boring and the plot is so played out. Proof that famous people can do whatever they want. Had an unknown writer written this and pitched it to anyone in Hollywood, they would've been shown the exit before you could say "hack". But of course, idiots keep Hollywood alive, so there will definitely be a sequel and this movie will definitely be a hit.
De gelukkige huisvrouw (2010)
About as funny as an orphanage on fire
I can't believe that this is listed as a comedy. If this is what Dutch people find humorous, then I think it's safe to say that they have the worst sense of humour in the entire world. There is absolutely NOTHING funny about this film, even as a dark comedy. Sorry, but I don't think that trying to kill a baby is funny and I have a pretty f*cking twisted sense of humour. Not to mention that the main character of this film is an annoying, racist b*tch and completely unlikeable at that. In fact, all of the characters in this film are equally unlikeable and annoying. I'm not going to tell you not to watch this, but I am going to tell you not to make the mistake that I did and go into this expecting to laugh. You will not laugh. Unless of course, you're Dutch. Then I don't know, maybe you'll laugh.
Stacy (2001)
The Single Worst Film That I have Ever Seen in My Life.
This is the single worst film that I have ever seen in my life. Just to clarify, I do not regularly make this statement and I am not one of those people who sees a bad movie and then calls it the worst they've ever seen. In fact, I can't remember the last time that I said a film was the worst I've ever seen. That's how infrequently I say it.
I sat through this film even though around the 20 minute mark I wanted it to be over. Badly. I don't know why, it's just something I always do. No matter how bad a film is, I'll never shut it off without coming to the end. That way I feel that I can make a clear headed and complete decision on what I thought of the film.
Well, with Stacy, I can't think of a single thing that was done well. Everything - and I mean everything - from the screenplay to the direction to the lighting, was AWFUL. A note to aspiring filmmakers everywhere: if you're going to make a film, take your time and come up with a story that is interesting and that you can confidently tell. When people rush into things, we end up with dross like Stacy.
I'm not going to tell people to stay away from this film, however. It is worth watching simply to see the mistakes that make a truly terrible film truly terrible. At the very least, the violence is cartoonish enough to make you laugh with its over the top depictions of decapitations and gut yanking. That isn't enough to actually entertain you, but you'll come away from the experience never wanting to put an audience through similar visual torture. And the fewer films like Stacy that ever see the light of day, the better.
King Kong (2005)
Perfect CGI Does Not A Good Movie Make
I was excited by King Kong. I really was. There was a couple years of build up and then in the summer of 2005, we started seeing trailers. Things looked amazing. And so, it was with the belief that I was in for a cinematic treat that I spent the twenty dollars to get in and readied myself for three hours of carnage.
Well...the carnage was there, but not much else. First of all, there is hardly any dialogue at all in this film. The most dialogue occurs in the first hour, and let me tell you that this is poorly written, poorly delivered and that it all comes off completely forced and not at all believable.
Next we have the arrival at the island. There are some impressive effects here, but forty minutes of brontosauruses', giant bats and giant insects that contribute absolutely NOTHING to the plot had me fighting off a serious case of boredom. It seems to me that Jackson lost sight of what it was that he was trying to accomplish here and just had fun making big bugs. Needless to say, I was relieved when the crew left the island behind.
Lastly is Kong's arrival in the big city. Again, dialogue was at a minimum (a friend and I were trying our hardest to think of anything that Kate Winslett said in this last hour other that NO! and Beautiful), and I got the sense that Jackson, having realized how much time he had already wasted with big bugs and dinosaurs, remembered that he was making a film about King Kong and rushed to tie up all the lose ends. Needless to say, it doesn't work. Add all that up and top it off with Jack Black uttering what is (in my opinion) the single worst closing line ever delivered in the history of cinema, and you've got a film that is monstrous in scope, but microscopic in delivery of anything substantial.
I recommend seeing King Kong on the big screen because it is visually stunning - King Kong himself is flawlessly done, but don't expect satisfaction with much else for your money and time.