callahans20 Reviews

The Man with My Husband's Face (2023 TV Movie)

Here's the plot, so you don't have to watch

[5/10 · 28 December 2023]

I give all my Lifetime movies 5-star reviews. No Lifetime movie will ever win an Oscar, but neither are most of them the complete schlock 1-star reviewers say they are. This one is no exception.

So, here's the movie, in a nutshell: It's Secret Brother Day on Lifetime. All day. Every movie. Right away, you have the basic plot. Or do you?

It's a troubled marriage. Husband and wife (wannabe novelist/successful jingle writer) squabble before going kayaking on a river. He paddles off in a huff without her and disappears. She calls the police, who conduct a fruitless search. The husband walks into an emergency room a week later with no memory of what happened to him. He's a different guy. It's almost like he's an identical but evil secret twin or something! He fudges on stuff he should remember or manages to turn his lack of actual knowledge into weird compliments. Worse, he can cook! And he's super-horny, all the freaking time. The wife knows something is off.

There is a lawyer, murdered early in the movie for reasons that totally escaped me by someone we never see (my attention may have wandered for a moment, which is sometimes all it takes in a Lifetime movie--sorry.)

There is a female stalker (as there almost always is in this particular plot, although she turns out to be a "court-appointed psychiatrist".) She confronts the wife in the garage and says, "check his right ankle" before vanishing. There is a tattoo he never had before. Oh no! She tricks the obvious imposter with a previously unliked western omelette calls the stalker/psychiatrist, who kindly left her number. He's a fraud! He's an evil psychotic hitherto missing unknown twin! But can we call the police?!?! Nooooo..... they would never believe this, not even from his court-appointed psychiatrist. So the wife sticks with the stalker/psychiatrist, whom she secretly witnesses being assaulted by the wicked twin. The wife takes her for a coffee, as you do. They decide to stalk the husband. The wife finds a key to a storage unit and they check it out. OMG!! Her dead husband is in it! Just. Don't. Touch. Him. They leave to call the cops (I know these women have cell phones--they're always using them--but for whatever reason, they leave. Separately.)

There is a reasonably competent detective. Stern, no nonsense, but not a jerk. Don't see enough of him. He gets the call to the storage unit. Surprise, surprise, no body. The cops find the psychiatrist. She denies having ever met the wife and knows zipola about the unit or a body. And she's a massage therapist. And there is no tattoo on hubby's right ankle. Let's lock the crazy wife in the nuthouse, because, of course!

Because what evil twin wants is conservatorship over his wife's company that's about to go public. The wife gets wind of the plan and bails out of the police station. Only she goes home and catches the stalker and the evil twin in flagrante delicto, or just about. She charges in and gets caught, hears the whole evil plan, and realizes there is no evil twin, this is her dear husband who just wants all the money and a cute, malleable massage therapist. She brains him with a baseball bat, and the stalker/court-appointed psychiatrist/massage therapist turns state's evidence. The wife sells the company for a tidy profit and finally finishes her novel. The end.

All I can say is, I'm shocked Eric Roberts wasn't cast as the murdered lawyer. That would have made this movie perfect.

The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon (2016)

What is up with the music?

[2/10 · 18 October 2023]

This has to be the worst scored movie of all time. Scenes that might have been at least half decent were ruined by the godawful music. Whoever was in charge of the score needs to be banned from the business. One might even suspect kickbacks were involved. Otherwise, the movie itself may have been watchable, if not great. The music destroyed any chance of salvation. I feel sorry for the actors, and anyone else that has their name attached to this dog. Except the person who was in charge of the music. Seriously. It's not enough to simply fire them-- blacklist them, never ever let them near music or movies again.

Futurama: The Impossible Stream (2023) Season 11, Episode 1

He's Back, Baby!

[10/10 · 24 July 2023]

Bender, Fry, Lela, Amy Wong, Hermes Conrad, Zoiberg, even Scruffy, all back. The first episode of Season 11 picks up right where the last episode of Season 10 left off. I mean exactly where it left off. The transition is seamless, the show has lost nothing of its wit and sight gags, and the commentary on life in our century is as scathing as ever. I swear there is even a bit about the writers strike, but perhaps I'm conflating it because, as always, there's is a lot to unpack. I have been waiting for this episode for ten years, and it did not disappoint. In fact, I'm awed by how Futurama has lost nothing of its Futurama-ness. Well done, guys!

The Idol (2023)

I lasted 36 minutes

[1/10 · 6 June 2023]

I'm shocked at the number of reviewers claiming this show reflects real life. This was like watching a large budget porno. It was so unnecessarily saturated in sex, I found a coherent story hard to tease out of the sleaze. I simply couldn't keep watching it. In retrospect, my final impression of the show reminded me of a line from the old movie, Butterflies Are Free, when Mrs. Baker declaims degeneracy, obscenity and nudity as a part of life, "I know [it's real life], Mr. Santori. So is diarrhea, but I wouldn't classify it as entertainment." If this show is like real life, you can keep it. I need some fresh air.

The 7 Adventures of Sinbad (2010 Video)

I laughed my BUTT off!!

[10/10 · 26 January 2023]

This is a wildly hilarious stab at movie making. Don't take it too seriously and it's a great way to waste time when you have absolutely nothing else to do, are already in some pain, and there are literally no other alternatives. I was actually in the hospital when I watched it; it was on the only channel that came in clearly. Also, I was on heavy drugs. I especially liked the outfit Loa wore, that looked a lot like my leather braided belt from 1969. (A few of her scenes left me really anxious for her modesty.) It was especially difficult at times to understand how the story could combine soooo many wildly differing situations--battling sea monsters, getting blown up in a mountain while fending off Beelzebub, oil rigs, pirates, giant birds, lost at sea, rescued by a giant squid, sirens on the kill.....only later, now in fact, does it make a kind of sense, because I didn't know the title and had to google Pat Muldoon. Even then this title was like the fifth one I picked, because I thought, The 7 Adventures of Sinbad, nahhh. But strangely yes as well. And all in all, strangely entertaining. Ten stars, in an alternate reality.

Temple (2017)

Utterly Wasted Potential

[3/10 · 21 August 2022]

I have to agree with a lot of other reviewers. This movie could have been really good B movie. Great, even. All the elements were there. Missing children, murdered monk, love triangle, Americans going where they shouldn't, creepy forest, a monster, maybe even more than one monster.....but nothing is complete. It's not the actors fault, they were all excellent. It's the story. The end leaves you hanging on multiple fronts. It's almost like the filmmakers went on vacation in Japan to make a movie, and then ran out of money about 3/4s of the way through and had to wrap. What a waste.

Fireball: Visitors from Darker Worlds (2020)

Give it a watch

[9/10 · 25 June 2022]

Ten minutes in, and I was ready to bolt for yard work. But I stuck with it, mainly because my husband brought me a banana split. Thank Goodness, on both counts. Because this documentary became fascinating, and then riveting. It's simply a stunning look at things you thought you knew, but are so much richer than you dreamed. Also, the banana split was pretty good.

The Lost City (2022)

Whelp....

[3/10 · 9 June 2022]

I don't quite know how to review this movie. It should/could have been better. Tatum's character was way too dumb, but he makes a nice character arc. Brad Pitt was flat out hilarious. Sandra Bullock has been better, but I was most distracted by her face. What has she done to it? Was it supposed to say something about her character, or did she really get all that filler and Botox on purpose? I liked her less and less as the movie progressed--exactly the opposite of Tatum Channing. I have nothing good to say about Daniel Radcliffe either, so I just won't say anything.

The movie could have been so good. It just wasn't.

The Last Scout (2017)

Too Much Hate Here

[7/10 · 5 May 2022]

Yeah, there are plot holes, and the film can drag a bit, but these space travelers are definitely pushed to the brink. You just have to stick with it a bit to learn how everything connects, but once it was over, the story stayed with me. Kind of haunting, even.

If your are looking for an action flick, it's not for you. But if you enjoy watching untenable situations reveal one's true character, you'll love it.

Spencer (2021)

I hated this movie

[3/10 · 27 April 2022]

Not the worst movie in the world, but still godawful. Oppressive music, oppressive atmosphere, unrelatable actors. Kristin Stewart is a fine actress, but the whole twitchy, looking down/sideways/up thing grew cloying in a hurry. It's a portrait of a perfectly ugly family--frozen, hidebound, inflicting pain for the sake of inflicting pain. These people might be beyond my ken, but I just don't believe this shallow representation of who they are. People are complex; these characters were anything but. Sorry, my disbelief was not suspended.

The Batman (2022)

Not a bad movie, but.....

[5/10 · 21 April 2022]

Perhaps you can chalk this less-than-stellar review up to my personal distaste for the increasing darkness of Batman movies, but why do producers find it so necessary to cut out every vestige of humor and light?

The movie is too dark, literally and figuratively. The story is ugly, the villains are caricatures, the lighting is horrible. The darkness is so pervasive even Batman himself needs supplemental night vision. Perhaps this is due to the fact I watched it on HBO Max and not in a theater, but even in the daylight scenes I could barely make out anything. No one turns on the lamps that are scattered everywhere, and if they did, you can bet the bulbs would all be 20W. You have a man in a church with a bomb around his neck, and no one can turn up the overheads? It almost seems fitting that it never stop raining in Gotham City. All the rich detail is lost in shadow no matter what time it is.

Surprisingly, I liked Robert Pattison's Batman, and Zoe Kravitz makes a great Catwoman. The plot is a butchered, wandering mess. There is no charm to be had. The music is....odd. Not terrible, but gloomy. Another tic or two for the darkness.

Worst of all, my mind kept wandering. I couldn't stay focused on the movie. I hate to call it boring, but yeah, it was kinda boring. Maybe the sequel will be better.

Body Brokers (2021)

Thought-provoking and gritty

[6/10 · 7 March 2022]

I had no idea the amounts of money that can be made off treating drug addicts. The movie itself can be hard to watch at times, because you see so clearly where Utah (Jack Kilmer) comes from and exactly where he's headed. It's like watching a train wreck, where you can see the railroad tracks being removed but nothing can stop the train. It's two movies-a kind of documentary about the costs of treatment, and a secondary plot about the lives of addicts themselves. It's a story of failure, and how that failure makes a few people very rich. And Jack Kilmer is definitely an actor on the rise, but I did find myself wishing he'd have gotten the suggested haircut.

Vikings: Valhalla (2022– )

Reviews here veer in political pettiness

[6/10 · 1 March 2022]

It's a Netflix drama, people. Not a history lesson. And yes, black people indeed lived among Vikings, even if they likely weren't jarls.

As Netflix dramas go, it's not as bad as people seem to want it to be. It kept me entertained, and I watched all the episodes, which is more than I can say for a lot of the reviewers.

Cons: The accents are grating and false. It gets to you after a while. Freydis is impossibly efficient at regularly dispatching men twice her size. Dialogue was a little too predictable. While much of the story is historical fact, Lief Erickson was not ever among Cnut's fighters. Lacks the originality of the first few seasons of Vikings, but it's still better than the last few seasons of Vikings.

Pros: Olaf is delightfully evil. Lief was kinda hot. Harald was seriously hot. Cnut was pretty hot too. Costuming and sets were outstanding. Scenery was fantastic. The intricacies of the plot kept me entertained, even if they were sometimes predictable (that's history for ya). Battle scenes were great. Lief swinging a battle axe makes me want to take up battle axe swinging for exercise.

In sum: Not a bad way to waste a few hours. And certainly not as bad as some of these reviewers would have you believe-and by the way, the word "woke" is way, way overused. If you're going to complain about originality, try using an original adjective.

The Holcroft Covenant (1985)

The book is better.

[3/10 · 30 November 2021]

The review title just about says it all. The book was riveting-the movie was just confusing. I don't know why they changed a perfectly good story into this awful mess of a movie script. It sort of follows the book-children of Nazi generals, billions in stolen Reich funds up for grabs, secretive Swiss bankers, lots of assassins with different goals, weird family ties (which is seriously understating the point), and a decent man totally out of his depth. All are present in the movie, but while the book is a gripping page turner, the movie is a huge yawn. Even the actors look bored. Maybe one day someone will make the book into the great movie it deserves to be.

The Green Knight (2021)

Boring

[2/10 · 9 November 2021]

Never caught my interest, except for the introductory scene, which was rather clever. But the rest was just dull, dull, dull. Special effects are good, cinematography is decent, but the acting is one-dimensional. I kept thinking while watching it that maybe I should have read the book.

Burning Little Lies (2021 TV Movie)

Want to scream at the tv?

[2/10 · 22 August 2021]

....then watch this movie. There are not one, but two drivers who seem to forget their cars have brakes! Not one but two drivers who can't seem to release their seatbelts! There are fires that never seem to block the exits! Massive blows to the head that don't bleed or leave bruises! Who wants to give that a miss? (Hint: you do.)

The Selling (2011)

"We're gonna need a bigger goat."

[10/10 · 29 October 2020]

Given the budget and the lack of name actors (apologies to Barry Bostwick) this was actually pretty entertaining. You could do a lot worse with an hour and a half.

Murder In-Law (2019 TV Movie)

Better than the average Lifetime movie

[7/10 · 12 October 2020]

The acting overall was sometimes unsteady, but Claire was an incredibly well-done evil MIL. Even when she gets her comeuppance, it's beautifully played crazy. Plus any movie that makes me scream at the tv is a win in my book.

Utopia (2020)

I get it, you prefer the original...

[8/10 · 5 October 2020]

...but I didn't see the original series, so this is fresh to me. And I liked it. I loved Arby's character arc. Could take or leave Mr. Christie. But Jessica Hyde's team is great. The story drags sometimes, but overall it's entertaining enough I watched all 8 episodes in 2 days. You can do worse, so give it a go.

Anniversary Nightmare (2019 TV Movie)

Major Spoilers, In Case You Can't Bring Yourself To Finish Watching This Tripe

[1/10 · 22 August 2020]

This movie is so hard to watch, I watched it just so you won't have to.

Villains. Well. It's not the parents (although the acting is so bad, I had to wonder). It's not the in-laws. It's not the husband. (Really, it's not.) It's not even Liz's fellow inmates. It's someone you never see (at all, in any way shape or form) until the *shocker* twist ending. And it doesn't even matter who the bad guy/s is/are, because the whole ridiculous mess is about Liz rediscovering her purpose in life. The scheme behind both the frame-up (because of course she's been framed) and the resolution is pretty stupid. The only real surprise is that her husband isn't actually dead. There, I didn't tell you who did it, merely who didn't do it. I left a tiny little unknown for those of you who will still watch this dreck simply to know the whole story.

I See You (III) (2019)

Thumb down the fake reviews

[1/10 · 15 December 2019]

Others have stated better than I ever could how truly, truly awful this film is. It contains no redeeming qualities. Watching it was impossible for me, I kept wandering out of the room in search of something more intellectually stimulating, like peeling potatoes for dinner. However I did come to just to downvote the lying lyony liars who gave this a 10 out of 10. You liars.

The Predator (2018)

Even less than 1-star

[1/10 · 17 March 2019]

Usually, even bad sci-fi can be entertaining. This movie is worse than a college project movie. And right out of the gate too. The opening scene looks exactly like two model spaceships swinging from string. Every character is predictable. The soundtrack is the only indication to any possible suspense. The premise is insultingly ridiculous. But the worst crime is, at no point did I suspend disbelief. When Olivia Munn asks, "Is this a joke?", I found myself wondering the same thing. I may as well have rolled up $10 and burned it. I can't believe this dog is part of the Predator franchise.

Finding Noah (2015)

God Love 'Em

[3/10 · 13 January 2019]

This could have been a decent documentary, but I realized about half through that all it was, was some old guys with beards documenting their climb up Mt. Ararat, while advancing the belief in the accuracy of biblical accounts. It's a kind of historical evangelism. Worse, someone actually says finding the Ark would mean the disciplines of geology, biology, math, physics, and chemistry are all bunk that need to be "thrown out", and someone else claims that "even a splinter of wood up there would take the hand of God." They climb, they drill into ice, they fiddle on computers, and they refer back to the Good Lord a lot. The entire exercise is best described by one of the participants, "this is really a story of us being together, our journey there and back, and how that changed our lives." It is definitely that.

Mount Ararat is a huge, rocky, volcano with a fast-moving glacier and inaccessible gorges subject to high winds and nasty weather. It rains chunks of ice. Amateurs don't belong up there. I never heard why or how they chose to seach particular areas, but I figure the fact it's a war zone might have more to do with it than bibical accounts. It's extremely hard to get necessary permissions for even small areas of exploration, and much of the mountain is off-limits entirely. They desperately want everything they find to be part of a boat. Alas. Not.

There is a great rundown of the history of the search for the Ark, as well as some interesting flood story statistics worldwide. I was impressed that, for a religious documentary that could use all the hype it can get, they took the trouble to debunk a number of popular stories. But in one troubling bit, they rescue an injured climber, a great display of charity and compassion, which they promptly ruin by commenting on how stupid it was for him to be up there when he clearly had no climbing experience or even equipment. It doesn't seem to have occured to them he was a spy sent to watch them by Kurds who lack a lot of practical resources, as if they decided he was very high up on a dangerous mountain by himself for an ill-conceived day hike. The whole scene serves to highlight their naivety and air of righteousness.

Technically, there isn't great continuity. The narrator changes from Gary Sinese to someone else, and back again, like they cobbled footage together from multiple sources. Some of the music is appropriate, some not so much, all of it is inconsistent--religious rock, orchestral, middle eastern, it runs the gamut. The clunky narrative lurches around. The documentary ends abruptly when their permit runs out. But there's always the promise of next year, war permitting! Stay tuned....!

All in all, it's not terrible, but neither is it good archeology.

Cat Run (2011)

Proves reviews can be misleading....

[8/10 · 14 October 2012]

Before I watched this, I had never heard of Cat Run, or John Stockwell. I was bored on a Sunday night and this was sitting in one of my Netflix queues for weeks, so I thought, what the heck, let's give it a go. How bad can it be? For the first 30 minutes or so, I was thrown by the number of character introductions (made with graphics) so I distracted myself with my iPad only half-watching it. But then I started finding myself getting more and more drawn in by Janet McTeer's, Helen Bingham, as cold-blooded an assassin as you will ever see. Plus, she's kinda classy. This is really her movie, and without her, the story would be only average. I loved the line, "We'll always have Angola." The two private detectives are more comic relief than main characters, but the kilt dance made me laugh out loud for about 5 minutes. The supporting characters are numerous and familiar, which helps the story along. Paz Vega is pure window dressing.

Cat Run certainly won't win any awards, and most of the characters are rather predictable, but it was still great fun if you just don't take it too seriously. By the time the movie ended, I was thoroughly engrossed so maybe it helps to pay less attention in the beginning where the story truly bogs down. Perhaps tighter editing there would have aided the initial story flow.

All in all, Cat Run was better than a lot of reviewers give it credit for. You'd have to be a real movie snob not to enjoy it.

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

It's okay. Just okay.

[5/10 · 17 September 2012]

This isn't as bad a film as some of the reviewers would have you believe, even if it isn't great. The cinematography is stunning, and worth the 2 hours by itself. Kristen's Snow White is fairly one-dimensional, although she certainly looks the part. Her performance doesn't really have much of a character arc, she's the same from beginning to end. Liam is great as the Huntsman, it's the best part I've seen him act yet. Charlize pulls off the Wicked Queen in memorable fashion, fabulously costumed and just this side of insane. I'm not sure what the point of her brother was supposed to be. His presence didn't really expand on the story, although it could have so easily. We all know the story, and it's nice to see this version darkened up a bit, but overall the script isn't a grabber. If you're watching it at home, you won't miss much if you wander off to grab more popcorn. There are worse ways to spend a rainy Sunday afternoon.