bradley-g-lang Reviews

Love on the Right Course (2024 TV Movie)

So many penalties

[3/10 · 13 March 2024]

When I'm rating a movie, I start with five stars, and then add points when the movie exceeds expectations, or penalise it when it causes me to roll my eyes.

There was a lot of eye rolling here....

Now I know how casting works - you don't hire a golfer and teach them how to act, but they could've at least spent five minutes showing Ashley how to swing a club. It looks like she doesn't know one end of a golf club from the other. Brittany Bristow on the other hand is a professional. If she didn't already know how to play, she sure taught herself.

The usual "20 minutes to go misunderstanding" was so stupid it could've been cleared up in five seconds by Whitney saying no I actually want you to caddy me, instead of standing there with her mouth open.

The end of the tournament when Whitney "won" was a little premature: according to the golf world's dodgiest leaderboard, there were still people on the course who could win the match!

As for the penalties, I can't believe the golf nerds haven't been all over this. In literally the first scene, in a tournament no less, Whitney accidentally tapped her ball when she addressed it. That's a stroke and would certainly have been pointed out by the commentators. Later, when Brooke is addressing her ball in a bunker, she grounds the club. That's clearly a penalty, and I'm not even a huge golf fan!

The Love Hunt (2023 TV Movie)

Lame treasure hunt, Romcom

[3/10 · 11 March 2024]

I was rolling my eyes within the first minute when the obnoxious boyfriend says something like " I know your family are all treasure hunters and stuff". Great exposition genius. The meet cute with the male lead was pretty lame as well. Your ladder was in the middle of the road without a safety barrier. Serves you right if you get run over dude.

Between the start and the end was one of the lamest treasure hunts ever committed to celluloid. And finally, with five minutes to go when they're trying to attract the mum's attention, they're standing right next to someone with a bullhorn and no one thinks to use it. Goodness me!

Also, to the reviewer who spent the whole review complaining about the trailer one piece of advice: don't watch trailers!

Strain 100 (2020)

Worst movie I've ever seen

[2/10 · 11 March 2023]

I don't usually make blanket statements like "worst movie ever" because I haven't seen every movie ever made... But this is, without a doubt, the worst movie I've ever seen. Within the first 10 minutes, I could tell it was going to be 2 to 3 stars at best. Unfortunately it got worse from there. It's a pointless exercise to list all the bad things about this film, but among some of the lowlights are:

• John Manfredi (Roy, the diner owner) who is possibly the worst actor ever to grease the screen
• Robert Forte Shannon III (Brandon) who was neck-and-neck with Manfredi for that honour
• The poor sound, which required watching with subtitles to understand any dialog

It may surprise some of you that I've never heard of the YouTube so-called "personalities" that feature towards the end of the film. However, it was quite obvious that that's what they were as one of them started advertising his YouTube channel!

One redeeming feature that saves this film from the ignominy of a single star was the zombie make up. I'm not talking about the special effects, which were atrocious of course, but the practical makeup for most of the zombies was quite good.

In summary, I hope this film ends several careers, among them the inept writer-director Hassan Hussein.

Star Trek: Picard: Assimilation (2022) Season 2, Episode 3

Pretty awful

[3/10 · 7 January 2023]

Saying it's better than Discovery is not saying much. But this episode was as bad as any bad Discovery episode for sure.

Here's just a few of the problems:

• The Borg Queen uses mid-20th century GPS coordinates to store the locations of things.

• Picard is a doddering old man.

• Raffi needed to be slapped - hard. Maybe The Watcher is someone who can help, not an enemy to be killed.

• Agnes gets hooked up to the Borg Queen using a suction cup on a string and is instantly able to infiltrate her mind.

• Elron got shot and I cared so little I simply fast-forwarded through the death scene.

• Picard takes them "home", but we never find out where that is. Chateau Picard?

• Deus Ex Machina when ICE raids the clinic 10 minutes after Rios arrives.

• Rios pretending to be a doctor and gets arrested. How stupid.

The Outpost (2018–2021)

Season 4 Was EXCELLENT

[7/10 · 28 December 2022]

The first three seasons I enjoyed watching, but I felt like the writers were constantly throwing too many random plot twists into the mix. I wasn't particularly excited to start watching season four. When I finally did watch it, it almost seemed as if the writers had a plan all along!

A lot of the backstory established in seasons 1 to 3 came together and it all led to an exciting finale.

In addition the make up, especially of the seven, was fantastic The action scenes were brilliant, and there was a couple of directing cameos from Imogen Waterhouse and Jake Stormoen.

I'm glad they got to complete the story in season four.

Yummy (2019)

Lars Damoiseaux is on my blacklist

[2/10 · 3 September 2020]

Never again will I allow myself to be insulted by this twerp.

The boyfriend character was killed off early, which I thought was a strange move. But he was definitely, completely, undoubtedly dead. Brain dead, no life, wide staring eyes. Yep, dead as a door nail. But of course he wasn't. He spontaneously comes back to life with no medical intervention. Not as a zombie; just a regular guy with a sore head.

Then throughout the rest of the film, any character with even the most slightly interesting character arc gets killed off. Even our two leads in the very final scene. After they've escaped the zombie carnage.

So f you Lars. What a waste. You've sullied the entire Belgian film industry.

Devs (2020)

Christ on a Cross this is bad

[4/10 · 30 March 2020]

Garland is a lazy filmmaker so he deserves a lazy review. Had enough after two and a half episodes.

The actions taken by the company in response to Sergei's "extracurricular activities" are grossly disproportionate to the event. Therefore the whole show is meaningless.

Westworld: The Winter Line (2020) Season 3, Episode 2

A Repeat of the Repetitiveness...

[7/10 · 26 March 2020]

Following on from my enjoyment of S3E1, S3E2 returns to the structure that so annoyed me throughout S1 and S2. Even worse, Warworld is a simulation designed to extract some information from Maeve's head, not even a "real" park! Oh well, by the end of the episode Maeve is (presumably) in the real world, and the story can continue.

Weird aspect ratios on TV shows annoy me. An aspect ratio change was used to indicate when the hosts KNEW they were in a simulation. Is that really the best way to accomplish this?

Westworld: Parce Domine (2020) Season 3, Episode 1

Excellent return

[9/10 · 26 March 2020]

One of the other reviews states "We all loved season 1." I guess that makes me an anomaly. I disliked S1 and S2, which is strange as, on paper, the show seemed designed especially for me: Based on a classic sci-fi film; robot uprising; involvement of J. Nolan; beautiful women; action, violence and intrigue; etc.

The main problem was the repetitiveness. It was obviously integral to the story that the hosts played out the same events repeatedly, but still annoying as hell for this viewer. Also, the multiple timelines were needlessly, some might say deliberately, confusing. I think there were five timelines in one episode! (There were some great references online to sort out the timelines though.)

So I enjoyed the season return very much precisely because it avoided these frustrations, while still having plenty of the good things. I also mentally congratulated the show runners for sticking to a 16 x 9 aspect ratio, as letterboxing on TV shows annoys me a lot too. (Those who have already seen S3E2 are laughing at me right now :-).)

Evil: Let x = 9 (2019) Season 1, Episode 6

Worst Babysitter Ever!

[6/10 · 14 February 2020]

"Sorry Mom, but it's not working out."

That would be my response to Sheryl after buying the kids a possibly demonically possessed - but definitely requires adult supervision - toy two weeks ago. Then she dropped the ball on the babysitting by letting in a possibly demonically possessed little girl. And letting them run off to a graveyard in the dead of night. Way to go grandma.

Now she's willingly dating a guy her daughter - a psychiatrist - says is a psychopath. Not just a perjorative term, but an actual clinical psychopath. And even if he isn't, you don't send him upstairs to the girls' room unsupervised the first time they meet!

Sheryl's got to go. I hope Leland eats her soul.

Hawaii Five-0: Ka hale ho 'okauweli (2016) Season 7, Episode 6

This is Crime Writing 101...

[4/10 · 19 January 2020]

When they should be working on their masters thesis after seven years.

For the murder case, it was super obvious that it was a case of gaslighting, and as soon as the assistant opened her mouth she became the only viable suspect.

For the death cult, well I knew from the plot description that they would get kidnapped, but following the so-called victim into the forest, tracking an obviously fake trail of blood, it was clearly a trap. Then they escaped, somehow walking straight past dozens of armed cultists. Were they asleep? Then they knock on the door of the first house they find, never suspecting the kindly old man was also a cultist. Kono gets the drop on him and knocks him out. Tie him up? Nah. Just let him lie there. They call the cops and they arrive in 45 seconds. They somehow perform a full forensic search of the property, uncovering two graves, and several video tapes, which they have time to watch, all before the bad guys are even loaded into cars.

Lazy.

PS: The babysitting subplot was the most entertaining part of the episode.

A.I. Rising (2018)

A slow film about a slow ship

[3/10 · 8 December 2019]

Seriously, that was the thing that annoyed me the most.

They're going to Alpha Centauri to bring Juche* to the masses, a distance of 4.5 light years if I remember my astronomy correctly. It takes them nearly a year to get past Saturn - and no mention of wormholes or hyperspace - so maybe 10 thousand years to the nearest star?

Stoya's acting was actually okay, so I'll give her that.

* North Korean socialist ideology in case you were wondering.

Black Wake (2018)

I've been examining this film...

[2/10 · 17 November 2019]

Well, if you can call it a film. It completely lacks a coherent narrative. It makes no sense. It's just disjointed writing and crude images.

Paraphrasing a line from the film of course, but it fits.

Example: My colleagues - what few are left - are gone.

Also, very hard to hear/understand some of the main actress' dialogue. I think her English actually improved during the course of the film, but I wish I had subtitles available.

Got to give some credit for Lovecraftian horror theme though.

Unsane (2018)

Utterly Ridiculous

[3/10 · 8 November 2019]

There must be a lot of Soderbergh fans who were seduced by their Soderbergh lust/envy into giving this film a high rating. He is possibly a genius, but this film is a dud.

The whole premise of the film is not objectively believable. Even if you get past that, the main character's actions mean she deserves everything she gets.

Why the 1.56:1 aspect ratio? That's not the native video resolution of an iPhone 7 Plus 4K. There's no technical reason to use that aspect ratio, so it must be an artistic choice. Wrong choice buddy. And the fish-eye lens? Hated it.

What a wasted "Fright Night" :-(

Upgrade (2018)

Best Sci-Fi Film Out of Australia in... Forever.

[8/10 · 26 October 2019]

I normally wouldn't bother to review a film that's over 12 months old and already has nearly 1000 reviews. But I had to offer the above opinion and says congrats to Leigh Whannell.

I went into this film cold, not knowing the director, plot or shooting location. Was very surprised to learn it was Australian. Normally there's a bit of a cringe factor with Aussie sci-if films for this Aussie lad... the last one I liked was These Final Hours (2013).

Anyway, happy to see more from everyone involved.

Supercon (2018)

One star for each time I laughed

[3/10 · 16 October 2019]

Yeah, it was pretty bad. Casual racism. Toilet humour. And boring in parts too, which must be the cardinal sin in a caper comedy. As other reviewers have noted, it was a pretty good idea for a film, just poorly executed.

I'm confused by the Ryan Kwanten character: His lanyard said "Artist" but I didn't see him speaking to any fans or doing anything else an artist might do at a convention.

Hopefully this ends a few careers... not Maggie Grace though.

7 Splinters in Time (2018)

Going for a Brazil vibe?

[4/10 · 12 October 2019]

Not sure if other reviewers agree, but I got a vibe of Terry Gilliam's Brazil (1985), particularly during the rants of "John Luka".

I didn't enjoy this a great deal, especially the grating and obnoxious score. It never lets up. I got the impression that the film changed direction a few times in the editing room. It was initially completed in 2014 before being re-edited over the next four years.

I must confess that with about 25 minutes to go, I paused the film to read some reviews to see if I could make sense of it. Within a few seconds of restarting, the librarian character explained everything! So hang in there if you get that far :-)

Another Life (2019–2021)

Not for discerning science fiction fans

[3/10 · 29 July 2019]

Sorry, but no...

It might seem unfair to rate and review a show after less than one episode, but anyone with a brain would give up after 15 minutes as I did.

For starters, why use hypersleep (or "soma sleep" as they call it) for a journey of only 3 months? Since no one seems to know anything about anything, perhaps use that time to maybe learn something? Just my common sense approach to space travel.

Also, getting the location of a star wrong because it was hidden behind some dark matter is not believable. Astronomers have know about gravitational lenses for decades at least.

And the crew! ScreamQueen's critics review described them as a Big Brother house in space. Classic. When one of them started rabbiting on about 27 year olds I'd had enough. I'll use my last few days of Netflix to watch something else.

Game of Thrones: The Long Night (2019) Season 8, Episode 3

If 50+ Reviews Say It's Too Dark...

[6/10 · 29 April 2019]

Update: I have now seen a 4K UHD HDR version of the episode and it was a vast improvement, at least visually. My comments on the story still stand, but I've added a star.

Then it's too dark. Don't deny it; don't make excuses. I watched this episode live on Foxtel (Australia) and had to adjust my set three times but it was still very very difficult to follow the action.

Story-wise, it was surprising to have seven years of build-up resolved in a single episode. I've always seen the White Walkers and the threat they pose, rather than the battle for the Throne, as the centrepiece and most important component of the series. Devoting three more (admittedly probably epic) episodes to finding out who sits on the throne seems like a waste in my opinion. Two episodes each would have been fair.

Game of Thrones: Winterfell (2019) Season 8, Episode 1

The Beginning of the End

[7/10 · 15 April 2019]

Tearful reunions, awkward encounters, secrets revealed. In truth, not a lot happens in this the first of six episodes of the final season, but all the chess pieces are in place. Bonus points for the new opening and Jon's line about horses!

The Blackburn Asylum (2015)

Basic Idea Executed With Little Flair (Minor Spoilers)

[3/10 · 11 November 2016]

I saw the potential for a good horror film here. Hot young cast; creepy asylum setting; Jen and Sylvia Soska! I ended up importing the DVD into Aus from Amazon Marketplace. It arrived today. I was so excited. So what went wrong?

The opening kills were just weird. I mean, what was that guy doing taking his wife and newborn son into an abandoned mine? I suppose we needed a dead body for our hot young cast to find.

The five "bickering college friends" were probably asked to do a bit too much with the script. I really thought they were ad-libbing a lot of dialog. And some of it was pretty lame: "I like my face." Yeah, nothing's gonna happen to HER face...

The editing felt weird too. Lots of abrupt cuts and transitions, confusing location changes.

In the "pros" column, the bad guys were creepy and threatening, there were a couple of real cringe-inducing torture scenes, and 34 year old Sarah Lind can still pass for a college student. Not a lot to recommend here though.

Oh, and as far as I can tell, none of the film takes place in an asylum.

40 Days and Nights (2012)

earns a couple of stars but only just

[2/10 · 4 September 2014]

I'm not sure what possessed me to rent this movie - maybe the delightfully flaky Ms Keena; maybe a reaction against 2012; maybe I thought it was another film... anyway a flood of biblical (and physics-defying) proportions threatens the entire world so the American Navy builds several arks to save humanity and all the creatures that we've subjugated.

Least favourite moments : pseudo-science explanation of how two turbines the size of Harley Davidsons can power and steer a million tonne ark; people survive getting hit by a hundred foot king wave then tread water like they're in a pool; the scene with the survivalists that kept switching to its mirror image.

Favourite moments: When the Admiral says (to Ms Keena's sodden Doctor character) "get out of those wet clothes!"; when the captain asks "did the Admiral make it on board?" five days after they cast off! Hmm... that's it.

See it if you like: mockbusters!