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Mike_Rotch
Reviews
Children of the Living Dead (2001)
I wish I could douche my eyes
I have suffered through some horrible horror movies through the years; The Alien Dead, Blood Diner, Lawnmower Man...just to name a few. I actually walked out of the theater on the Lawnmower Man, but I digress. I would have walked out of this abomination too, except I was AT home as this turd was a direct to DVD release. It got sooo bad about 45 minutes through I put my player on 4x speed just so I could skip over the mind-numbingly bad acting and dialogue. Abbot Hayes, the leader of the prancing dead. All this bastard does in the film is lurk in the shadows, prance, and grin/mug maniacally at the camera. He is a precedent setter though, the first queer zombie on film, oh wait Michael Jackson, never mind.
Turbo Teen (1984)
kind of gross, really
Very bizarre. It was kind of disgusting to watch his face stretch into the grill of a car. If they ever made a live-action movie of it, which they won't, they would have to get David Cronenberg to direct it. I always wondered what would happen if he changed back to a teen while his friends were still inside of him. Would they be lodged inside his colon, would it kill turbo teen? And what if someone threw a glass of lukewarm water on him? What about the fact that his body temperature would be 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit? That's pretty hot, so wouldn't he always be a freakin' camaro? I forget, though, did he drink gasoline? I mean if he ingested gas as a car and later turned back into a teen, the gas would still be in his bloodstream so, wouldn't that kill him? I'm glad this show never caught on because you'd have little kids drinking unleaded to be like their hero, Turbo Teen. Shameful
Land of the Dead (2005)
Ending leaves me scratching my head
Spoilers ahead! Let me preface this by saying that I'm a longtime fan of George Romero, especially the Dead series and I was enjoying this film up until the hippie ending. The budget was there, there was a fair bit of (tame) gore, and the zombies were impressive. The acting was decent, but there was hardly any of the tension and atmosphere of the previous films. There wasn't anything as insulting in this as the whole Chips/dog storyline in the Dawn remake. All that said...what the hell was that ending!? You mean to tell me after witnessing half the population of Fiddler's Green die at the hands of the zombie horde Riley is going to pull a Ghandi and say live and let undead live? What a crock. I understand that there is some type of pacifist statement being made here but save that for war/anti-war films. They should have had an epilogue where Riley and his bunch are being disemboweled the next day by the same bunch of ghouls.
I appreciate Romero's effort and am truly glad to see him back at it, but what a disappointment at the end. They should have handed out "Save the Zombie" bumper stickers on the way out. Overall, I enjoyed the movie until the final act. What a down note to end the series on.
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Cracks of Dawn: The original has nothing to worry about..
I enjoy zombie-plague apocalypse movies, I don't know why. Maybe my therapist could tell me. I'll see just about anything that features the walking dead, or in this case, sprinting dead. The gold standard for this genre is obviously the Romero trilogy. While I enjoyed aspects of the DOTD update, it was pretty clear that this was a studio cash grab. Why even use the DAWN title when this would have been more aptly titled Resident Evil Goes Shopping? Because they know we'll show up to the theaters like the mindless flesh-eaters to the mall. Possible spoilers ahead. There is interesting new cemetery ground broken here; Re-animated fetus storyline, different escape/rescue scenarios, Chilling CGI enhanced scenes of what appear to be thousands of the undead in the streets. On the plus side: Cool Johnny Cash song about death over credit montage of chaotic news clips builds a sense of dread. Strong opening, it grabs you. It certainly doesn't waste any time getting the characters to the mall. The acting is strong among the main cast. Zombie make-up very impressive. Negatives include fancy MTV/Private Ryan camera work that makes the action hard to decipher at crucial times. Too many characters/weak characterization. Running zombies? Pretty co-ordinated for something just revived from the dead. I prefer my zombies retarded and limping across the parking lot. Gore is rather subdued, nothing's shocking. An insulting storyline involving a dog named "Chips" (groan). Cliched hero sacrifices himself for the greater good bit. "You go on, I'll catch up...arghhh!!" Blechhh. 6 out of 10. It can be entertaining at times and while I do recommend it to zombie fans, it will just make you appreciate the original more and hey, that's not a bad thing. "We whupped 'em and we got it all!!!"
Maximum Overdrive (1986)
God, I love this movie.....
Where do I start? How can I explain my love of this movie? *spoiler alert* Maybe I just enjoy watching rednecks get "run over" by alien-controlled semi-trucks. Maybe I just love the slow motion shot of a watermelon crashing through a window. Maybe I just love watching rednecks get shot down by an alien-controlled jeep. Maybe it's the dialog. "Dat's da depot dujour!!", "Thay cain't! Wee Mayyde Them!!, "I never did like f*#kin' trucks anyway!", and of course "Pretty crispy, Mr. Hendershot, WHAT happened?!?" I could go on, but I wouldn't want to rob anyone of the experience. This film works on so many levels. Fine acting all-around, especially Giancarlo Esposito. I really believed he was hypnotized by that dastardly Star Castles arcade game. But my absolute favorite moments remain the scenes where the aliens cause the ATM and the time/temperature sign to curse at us. As though, the aliens would have to insult us before they took over the world. Sheer Genius!! A+ **** out of ****