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Reviews
Christmas on Candy Cane Lane (2022)
Old-fashioned values - but the wrong ones
Boy, this is sly. It looks like a fun family film, a spin on the Christmas lights rivalry trope, but soon the messages are pushed to the fore: marriages break up when women start working full time; moms need dads to put the Christmas lights up and keep them safe from falling off the ladder; divorce leads to kid acting out but makes parents realise they didn't work hard enough at their marriage and need to get back together for their sake... Happiness is having enough time to make a pot roast. 'I want nothing more than to be your wife again.' Ugh.
I know GAF movies are meant to provide an alternative to those disgraceful Hallmark films, with diverse relationships and gay characters (believe it or not, mixed relationships can make for great American families and gays can come from them), but this is like King Canute trying to hold back the waves, pointless and not fun - this is the 21st century, not some perfect 1950s that never existed, and it's not all bad for that. The Hallmark moves aren't transgressive, or even especially progressive - they're just reflecting life.
Winifred Meeks (2021)
Not a ghost of a chance if scaring you
Oh dear, the rating said this was frightening, with violence. It wasn't frightening and there wasn't any violence, unless you count the violent waves which featured in one of the several hundred stock shots inserted with no narrative motivation. They didn't add mood, they just seemed to be an attempt at scenic typage.
We lasted to the end because we're very charitable/gullible... we thought SOMEthing had to happen. Nothing did.
Cliche watch: Victorian dolls on a chair, a monkey on a desk (sadly, the chair didn't rock and the monkey held no cymbals)... in terms of originality, we do have Chekhov's inhaler.
The fact that the cast list is replete with 'guest stars' and 'featuring' and 'introducing' is hilarious, all we had was the lead actress, the ghost and the whimpering spook. Every other voice was on the phone.
Basically, this film is about as scary as Peppa Pig, don't bother.
The Final Wish (2018)
Wish for something better
SPOILERS
There are some positives to this film - an initially interesting protagonist, the subtlety of the initial wish cause and effect, Lynn Shay, Tony Todd in his usual cameo... but the whole didn't add up to a decent watch. Why is a powerful djinn content to torment small town folk, why didn't Aaron sell his high-end jeep to get some rent money, why didn't we know Aaron had... I dunno, a hair lip that bothered him?
And what was with that care home where the initial Dad-Gone-Mad had been left, with the filthy walls, empty rooms and residents wandering around bleeding? We couldn't stop laughing in that scene.
Then there was the random clown at the truck stop... this is a pretty dim film.
Christmas Inn Farmstead (2020)
Not totally listless
Oh boy, there are some rough reviews on here. While this didn't have quite the production values of the Hallmark films, it didn't look cheap. It was no more predictable than any other holiday TV movie, and a nice afternoon watch. The acting and direction were fine, I liked the music and the jumpers were supposed to be awful!
Bannister DollHouse (2019)
'...and Lisa Keast as Martha'
That's the confusing credit at the end of this fun timepasser - who the heck is Martha? I'm guessing she's the unnamed doctor's receptionist who turns up later as a separate character, given all the other female parts are namechecked in the film. Anyway, as everyone has pointed out, this is cheap, but it's good fun. The acting really isn't as great as several reviewers say, but it's OK. The whole thing reminds me of the UK Thriller series that ran on ITV in the Seventies - not massively original, but points for commitment. There are cliches, but there's also creepiness, and one or two subtle moments worth keeping an eye out for.
So, thanks to everyone involved. I had fun.
Off to bed now. I hope someone makes me a hot chocolate...
The House of Screaming Death (2017)
Be nice
OK, so the acting is poor at times, the sound is horrible in the second story... but for a no-budget community project this is a decent time passer. The vampire story is easily the best, with a clever ending, and the film's climax was something I never saw coming. It did indeed bring back happy memories of the (obviously better) Hammer and Amicus films and, moreso, ITV's Thriller series of Seventies Saturday night.
This is a labour of love and I say, thanks for trying.
Like Father (2018)
Cruise control
Yes, yes, it's good publicity for Royal Caribbean, you know that within a few minutes. Best to move on and enjoy the great characters, nicely acted, playing out a story that's not always as predictable as it could be, against great scenery. Faint praise? Not really, this is firmly a genre piece, but the characters are more nuanced than usual, with Grammer's Harry especially interesting. We enjoyed it loads and found it rather touching.
Astral (2018)
Astral dejection
As with all the other reviews I've read here, I found this film very disappointing. All I wanted was a quick, efficient potboiler for a Saturday night; what I got was a really slow, badly acted film that, when it finally seemed to be rounding up its ideas, lost interest in itself and said 'bye bye'. It didn't end, it just stopped with a bit of predictable sub-Babadook business. For a few minutes in the middle there was a bit of an MR James vibe, but that was as creepy as this film got.
Actually, the scariest thing was Frank Dillane's hair