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Reviews
Mock the Week (2005)
W t h ...
What. The hell. Is this. I've lived in Britain for 8 years. Most things I saw were more than impressive. I absolutely don't understand why anyone would watch this show. 1) why would you invent a show around news 2) why would you hire cast this boring. Invite people off the street, instead 3) did every last joke writer die. I swear I overheard people in the enlightened city of Edinburgh (in the north) talk eagerly about this show. Other people invited me into their homes to watch this show, in particular. My blunt theory is: people who died inside watch this abomination. A wooden spoon with mold on it is as good as any.
Midnight in Paris (2011)
It's a SciFi movie! Not a Romance!
A very lovely lady joined me to the pictures to watch this gem. And we both sincerely hated it. I gave it a second watch by myself - and loved it. What's wrong with it ? To figure that out you need to start what's so deeply moving about it. By the end of the movie, they travel back in time twice, 1900s, then 1800s. It's very beautiful. By the last third of the film, you see early 1800s wooden characters dressed like champs. You couldn't even breath in that era, if you had to live there. As a time traveller, however, this really is the peak of romantic feelings. People barely alive are the best you can experience, then. Especially if you love SciFi, like myself. And even I hated this film on my first watch. Why ? I think there is a subconscious repelling going on: If the past is so great, then why don't you live in the past ? You shouldn't like that romantic scenery that much. Your subconscious tells you that. And Rachel McAdams playing a miststück girlfriend spells it out. She dumps the main protagonist for his nostalgia. That's not great to watch, but she is the real adult here. Also, McAdams' acting range is just incredible. In many movies, she plays the girl that you want to marry, adopt and hug all the same time. In this movie, she plays an absolute miststück. Absolutely has to.
Knight Rider (1982)
It's a trap!
This show is a bit of a trap. I could watch this show for the rest of my life on a loop, be constantly entertained, and in hell really: Need a ride ? Yes. Because imbecils refused to build infrastructure. It's the wrong kinds of people who take advantage of that. Car owners. People who don't take 'no' for an answer. People who live in office jobs. Where they commute 100 miles to and from each day. Because they need to escape their family that popped out of nowhere. That's the real "car owner" world. The show doesn't show that. That's why it works. It's still a trap, do not watch it. Seriously.
Rocky (1976)
Baaahhhhh
For me, the Rocky franchise falls under the "Sheep" movies. It's obviously bad. There is nothing you ever want to remember from this mess. And yet, many people go "this movie is baaahhh-great." I don't know why. I know they don't actually like that movie, Rocky. I suspect they like nothing in this world. Every now and then, they go "this movie is baaahh-great." It's not just Rocky. All 'Men in Black' movies are obviously bad. The editing team did not call it a night until every last scene was repelling. And viewer sheep go "bahhh." Avengers Endgame is in that same shelf. Only that the Avengers franchise hadn't always been bad. Why.
The Revenant (2015)
Just pain
I've rated over a hundred movies and this rating is the hardest choice. I could side with any fellow critic between 2 and 8 stars. On the downside, why would you even make that kind of movie ? DiCaprio gets eaten by a wild bear, shot at by native Americans, and almost buried alive. Shortly after he got eaten by a bear. I mean, that's taking the mick as to how bad the old west could have been. And for those exact same bonkers scenes, the movie feels real. Pain is real. And Tom Hardy plays a great scoundrel who credibly inflicts that pain. And I do have those moments where I want to see a painful movie. Well, this is the one then.
Game of Thrones (2011)
Detestable
There was a time in the early 2000s where you could squeeze in a poo-doesn't-matter medieval show. I did enjoy the original Lord of the Rings trilogy then. I could never watch LoR now. That slit in time is gone. There was never a time for this literal sh-show. GoT. I watched a few scenes. I let it sink in. No idea why people watch that. Emilia Clarke is an awful actress. As far as I'm concerned, she bullies children in her private life. I can't watch her. Same applies to the show's other actors. I had this theory once that audience try to get used to death. By watching this mess. All the main protagonists keep dying in this show, I was told. My theory is also nonsense. No one cares about deaths. They get buried and people can't even be bothered to put pictures on the graves. (In China they do. I know. But China wasn't responsible for this verbal sh-show.)
Logan (2017)
For real ?
I love dystopian movies. I absolutely love Alita: Battle Angel. A cyborg girl gets picked up on a trash pile, and revived. As it turns out, this world had fallen ages ago. Alita wakes up in the world after that fall. She slowly remembers that she must have been part of bringing the old world down. Fantastic fight scenery on the moon, on tubes leading up to a sky city, and "The United Republics of Mars/URM." What exactly was this Logan movie ? Apart from depression to depression how depressing this world this ? I can't watch it. Staring at a wall makes me happier. Insane how everyone didn't throw up 5 minutes into production of this mess and leave.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005)
Danny DeVito ? Ok ... actually not ok ...
I seem to be the only one with the following opinion. And no big deal. But: Why Danny DeVito ? He joins 'the Gang' only in season 2. I don't mind him solo. Very watchable, funny. However, I literally stopped watching this TV show when he joined in. In the TV show's story ark, he is THE investor that the run-down bar in Philadelphia needs. Is that what really happened ? Did Danny DeVito invest for real ? Or was he personally invested all along, and then couldn't bear the passivity in the director's chair ? 'Oh please, it's so funny, let me join!' I wonder if that's the real misguided story here. All the other cast are hilarous. That Danny DeVito move happened decades ago. It was so irritating.
Family Guy (1999)
Ballsy
Would be 10 stars, had this magnificent TV show not gotten a bit repetitive after season 15 or so. Still, 100s of 10-star episodes. And incredibly ballsy. Almost all the gags punch far below the waistline. The first time you watch every episode, your jaw drops to the floor. Insane the writers go there. Then you watch it a second time. Then you recall the jokes, they cross your mind, and you can't stop laughing. Also because, why would you even say all those things that this show's characters say. "I have Stratego in my mouth." "My happy place, in case I get malested." "Punch ... the baby ... in ... the face."
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Bland
GoG 2 later was good. This instalment wasn't. I was so looking forward in 2014 to this movie. I remember watching the movie trailers in fascination. A space team with a talking badger. All the CGI did turn out great. No disappointment there. Apart from the talking badger, the crew seemed a bit bland. I didn't care for them. And I blame that movie. Because I did like the green-skinned lady, when she played Lt. Uhura in the new Star Trek movies. And I also like her under the makeup in GoG 2. The crew meet in space prison. Yawn. That plot vehicle is so old that my brain squeaks. It's 80s style. 80s music. At this point, I can't tell: Do Americans or Chinese like American 80s music ? Again, as a European, the music sounds extremely bland to me. David Bowie ? Depeche Mode ? UK ? Isn't that an obvious 80s choice ? Would that feel like robbing the UK ? Go to space prison for that ? This whole movie felt like nothing to me. People who recommended this movie to me were the ones I later avoided. The next instalment GoG 2 is fantastic, though.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
Was bad then. Unwatchable now.
Another millennial thing I don't get. What is this ? The pictures with the moving faces inside them are very cool. The myths around the author are very cool. The main actor is very cool, I think. I used to understand why you would want to be an apprentice at an English university. That's history now and has spun. (Avoid English unis.) But that used to be very cool in the early 2000s. What I absolutely never understood: Why sourcery ? Why would you make wizards the main protagonists ? Why go so medieval to begin with ? I hate Game of Thrones, too, by the way. If you actually live in Britain, you avoid everything medieval. British computer stores would love to go all Japanese. They can't. Glazing must be single, not double. Per regulation. The walls need to look abhorrent. Per regulation. Do movies need to look medieval, too, now ? It's not regulation. And still, people watch this wizard abomination. On their own free will. And why a child main protagonist ? It's not meant to be a pet, like Alf, for example. Good. That child clearly is powerful. A wizard. That's good. Is it FOR children, then ? In that case, it's severly misleading. Avoid English trains. The movie really sends the wrong message if it's for kids. And on such a massive level. How did they smuggle that massive heap of waste past common sense ?
Star Trek: The Next Generation: Ship in a Bottle (1993)
Self-awareness
In a Sherlock Holmes holodeck simulation, hologram opponent Dr Moriarty becomes self-aware and demands freedom. He even holds crew members captive. What a newly developed will to live - brilliant. I'm not spilling the even more ingenious conclusion/solution. Minus one star in my rating because no one understands how self-awareness a/k/a consciousness works: You see yourself in a mirror (Iron elements) and affirm yourself (oxygen elements). Affirmed oxygen is consciousness. If you know you are, then you are oxygen. Minus 10 stars for churches, because they figured out nothing. Spirits are a thing, too. But they are not self-awareness. Or even good for that matter. There is a big branding issue here. And shows about self-awareness prove exactly that. God has little to do with spirits.
Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One (2023)
Go back to the roots, seriously
M:I really needs to go back to its roots, at this point. Remember the 60s and 80s TV shows ? Random passers-by pointing the agent to secret spots ? M:I 6, the previous movie, still had that spirit. Backstabbing in secret undergrounds. Venician boats passing by. That's what M:I needs to reverse to. Not James Bond. Not car chases. Not Evel Knievel moped stunts. And if you include screen crashing insane stunts into a secret agent show, it needs to blend in. It doesn't any more. Did any script writer even notice that real-life police got insanely invasive since 2018 ? Even before covid ? A secret agent who can't avoid 2020s police is dead. In fact, M:I needs to go even more secretive than the 60s and 80s TV shows. Look at the "Matrix" franchise's Agent Smith police. That's the kind of police you're dealing with now, in the 2020s. Personally, I'm wondering whether the movies need the TV shows' M:I teams back. Take the action down a notch, and include some cleverness. Humour is good, but this not a comedy film. You're not going to escape Europe's police. If the movie shows a car chase of 20 Italian police, and Tom Cruise escapes, my guts wrench.
Hollyoaks (1995)
Great story arks & incredible tunes. Hidden treasures, up to 2016 or so ...
<5 stars average is really under-appreciating this daily ultra-mass production. Forget the Simpsons. This show counts over 10,000 episodes by now. A bloke in his 40s here. I used to like Hollyoaks a lot, in the 2010s. The suicide episodes in the 2013s (or was it 2014s ?) were fantastic. They touched me all the way down to the bone marrow. Sadly, in 2016, the music shorts in the daily (!) episodes stopped. Top notch British Indie music, exceeding contemporary British music charts by miles - in every episode. I used to google all the bands and songs that played in this TV gem. That music was presented every day, a few seconds of each song. Seriously, google those tunes, you won't regret it. They are not on the official Hollyoaks music albums. You'll find those hidden treasures ONLY in the episodes up to 2016, or on clever googled websites. Great show.
The Mummy (1999)
Such fun. Bursting with adventure, historicity, and humour.
Such good gun. Mix the spirits of adventure in Indiana Jones, historicity in The Great Escape, and goof in Marvel movies - and you get The Mummy. All those ingredients add up to a fun experience, and even make sense. In fact, when I watch this movie, I want to leave my current boring life behind, just to delve into Egypt. I just can't ignore the idea that a(nother) sequel to this movie needs to be set in Tunisia. You see, Carthage (it's ancient name) featured a giant stock exchange. A circular harbour with a trade island at its centre. It even earned its own name: cothon. I feel a Mummy sequel must be set in Carthage.
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace (2004)
So hilarious
Late 2003. I was just accepted for an exchange year at a university in Edinburgh. I managed to find a private accommodation near my uni that was not on the noisy (as hell) campus. The TV license guys kept trying to visit me in person. Of course, I was out in town mostly. I bought myself a mini TV, maybe 10 inches in diametre (that's right, TV license agents), black and white screen. And the first thing I ever saw on UK telly was this show. The bike chase in the Ape episode. I swear this was the funniest thing I ever saw in my life. The pretend over-seriousness was just something else. That show IS humour. If you ever wonder if something is funny: Could it be part of that show ? Has to. Easy.
Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (1995)
Kevin Sorbo is THE Hercules. Plus a mythological theory.
I love Kevin Sorbo as Hercules. I hate to break the news that he was playing an ancient German, albeit a stylized version. Normal people are going to be Gods. In the actual image of God. A few Romans were Gods. Hercules was a Demi-god. A half-god. Not quite human. A German. Mostly hate. But quite something. Listen to Roman emperor Caesar's account on Germans. The German men by themselves strike fear into your bones, already. And wait until you see their wives. In tandem, they are invincible. Caesar's quotes are along those lines. Those were Rome's Hercules's. Ancient Germans were proud of the flattering depiction. May this theory/conflation age as well as the series.
Men in Black (1997)
It's bad
Back in the late 90s, the film left me cold. In hindsight, I have to admit that I hate everything about this movie. I don't mind Will Smith. I do mind the other guy. And let's be precise about the second no-no: are men in black state funded police ? Who funds that organisation ? Is it actually secret state police ? The nazis tried that. It was called GeStaPo - Geheime Staatspolizei. Were they going for that ? The nazis had Mars ambitions, too. SciFi GeStaPo is just as awful. Thirdly, how exactly are they organised ? Do I have to start working for a government to get recruited by the men in black ? At best, the movie doesn't care about any of those issues. Or any single issue that ever mattered to me since the late 90s. Don't even watch the trailers.
Superman & Lois (2021)
Careful with the Multiverses
You can't let parallel universes clash. BIG NO. I love the multiverse idea, but that goes against everything the concept stands for: 'What kind of apocalypse did we just avoid ? See for yourself. Here is the multiverse.' If you do let parallel universes clash, the rest of the show is doomed. It naturally won't make sense. Lex Luthor has to explain his motivations then. It looks incredibly stupid. Not because that scene is taken out of context. It's the context itself that's stupid. Marvel's 'What if' series is alright. Translated into DC, I would go Twilight Zone/Outer Limits: Have an episode where tiny details about Superman don't make sense, that step by step turn him into a monster. Only to find out that it was a parallel universe, all along. The multiverse as an idea does have boundries, and Jon Cryer's Lex Luthor showed one.
Enterprise: Borderland (2004)
Crown of Creation.
I don't understand why Star Trek: Enterprise as a show does not rank at a 10 star average on top of IMDB. Just because its season 4 is fantastic beyond description, and especially this and the next two episodes. The original Star Trek 2 - The Wrath of Kahn motion picture earned a lot of praise for a similar foe. ST Enterprise's take on the Kahn's/Augments/genetically engineered human beings is even better. Forget 80s Terminator and Schwarzenegger. This episode shows you three ruthless Augments. And they absolutely look like they come straight from the 70s. But Terminator-70s. It's very cool, and you'll never see that anywhere else. Absolutely unique. It's no less than Dr. Soong who created the Ubermenschen. Better known from Star Trek - The Next Generation as a descendant who builds android Data. And also played by Brent Spiner. I love the idea of the episodes, the unique take on it, and the new cast. Fantastic.
Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid (1973)
I loved that dynamic. Pondering Head Bounties
I loved this movie as a kid. The way Billy the kid and the Sheriff only ever point guns. Just to keep each other at bay. Not personal. I loved that. These days I wonder how Head Bounties could have worked in the old west. Billy the kid allegedly killed 20 people and ran an expensive bounty on his head. (If you ponder the same question, do watch Alita: Battle Angel.) If a random stranger shot Billy, who paid him and how ? Not the sheriff, he didn't. Let's say there actually was a bank branch nearby (were there many ?). You deliver them Billy's scalp like a Gorgon head. Then what. Let's say the old west even had wire transfer. After all, they did have wire communication. Gonna be a cheque, then. Plus, give that bank a few days. The bank then sends a picture of Billy's scalp to Washington, and DC authorizes the payment. It's possible. Check. Would you end a random stranger's life for a mere $1,000, the equivalent of maybe 12 horses ? Certainly not. However, if a stranger deeply offended you, and you happen to spot a bounty on his head ? Also possible. Double check.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
Space ships, super heroes - and gods. Coming together like a flavoured coffee.
I didn't like the first instalmant. I loved this one. Family issues. Sounds boring. But what else is there in outer space ? Certainly no nazis or hydra (actually there are, I know ...) Starlord discovers that his Dad is a god ("small g"). I love how that premise develops. The space pirates are very cool. We get to see an eye-candy mutiny, with so much love for details. Everything about the plot feels as smooth and interconnected as a giant lollipop. And I appreciate how complex this universe is. You don't just have space ships here, but also super-humans and super-aliens. What a balancing act to turn all that into sense. Love it.
Troy (2004)
Not Troy
You can't refer to a source material, in a movie that has nothing to do with it. In the ancient Greek source material, the Iliad, some cast are mere humans, some are gods. You can't just conflate them. I have seen panto theatres get it right. Gods interact with humans, but are an entire different species. You need actors to speak from different levels/stages, for a starter. The movie isn't bad but should stand on its own feet, then. If you ignore the most basic premise of Troy, write your own scripts. Troy/Iliad/Agamemnon etc aren't protected trademarks. Reason enough to relieve yourself all over it ?
Star Trek: Voyager: Phage (1995)
Organ trade. Ok.
Alien organ traders. Admittedly, 'Vidians' need those organs because their own organs give up. In a universe, where you can beam things out of their place. Such as organs. Why don't that race target the nicest guy of Voyager's crew. It turns out they do. Everything about this idea is just brutal. But the episode is in fact watchable. And believe it or not, the organ traders end on a romantic note in a later episode. There is this one thing ST Voyager as a show never did: Have, or even meet "Crusaders." Crusaders were everywhere in the 1990s. Not just in Europe. Competitor show Babylon 5, that aired the same years, was packed with Crusader: By Crusaders, I mean people who seem to know exactly what they are doing. They claimed they assembled your computers, built whole famous websites, and were even good at sports. They were born in the late 70s, grew up in the yuppie 80s, and thought they had it all figured out by the 90s. Yup, as teenagers. They don't exist anymore, but were everywhere in the 90s. Watch Babylon 5 to see some real Crusaders, and learn to appreciate this beautiful show Star Trek: Voyager. Which couldn't spare us organ trade, but did avoid the brutal 90s Crusaders.
Star Trek: Voyager: Initiations (1995)
Like sand in the wind
I like the Kazon. They are bit backward, wild and even predictable. They are like sand in humanoid form. Not a lot. That's exactly what I like about them. ST Voyager could instead have gone for far advanced races with big brains, Thor (Marvel) like worlds, and shape shifting space ships. The CGI would have been there. Voyager didn't. Instead, we get several different Kazon sects that each need to make do with alliances. Love it. Those alliances later lead to plots of backstabbing, kidnapping and extortion. To me, all that feels so real, but not unpaid-bills-real. The exact kind of 'real' I want to see, at the far end of our galaxy. Starfleet's Voyager did not get tossed into a far advanced, big-brain, high-tech part of the galaxy - but into literal sand: the Kazon.