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Bob_Tanaka
"The least qualified person to judge a movie is a movie critic."
"Political Correctness offends me"
"Nerd, teacher's pet, aren't these just fake insults that stupid people use to make themselves feel better?"
Favorite Kaiju (Monster) Anguirus.
Credit Card Number: Ha Ha! Got you excited!
Favorite movie: The Lord of the Rings (Trilogy, counts as one movie).
Note: Ebert is a Hack!
Home town: Louydelawomba in far north Allegasala.
Reviews
The Snake King (2005)
Boring, pretentious rip-off of Anacondas.
Okay, I liked Anacondas. I thought it was a fun, old-fashioned jungle movie. But why on earth would you pick that movie to rip-off? It strikes me as a one-time deal, and it's really amazing it turned out as good as it did. Snake King is a pretty much carbon copy, with almost all the enjoyability taken out and a ton of pretentiousness put in. It starts out looking like an enjoyably predictable jungle adventure with giant snakes and human-sacrificing tribes. However, half-way through it takes a hard right and portrays the tribe as a peaceful, wise group who will all die if the snake is killed (because the script says so, okay!). The villain, heroine, and hero are all immediately identifiable as such (incidently, the hero never does anything heroic except for arguing with the villain. otherwise he's generally being saved all the time.) The snake in the movie makes no sense. It apparently has multiple heads, but why is never even touched on, nor is it touched on how the water gives you immortal life, or anything (the snake, like the tribe, is allowed a certain "heroic" stance, despite the fact that it was just scene killing many people in gruesome ways, like the tribe. But, you know, PC). Ultimately, not a movie to waste your time on, except perhaps from a bad DTV standpoint, but even then the lack of anything interesting for the monster to do (and the attempts to make it seem less of a monster for no reason) does take away considerably from the fun.
Gojira · Ebira · Mosura Nankai no daikettô (1966)
A good entry in the series
This is one of the first Godzilla movies I saw, and when I see it now after seeing almost all of the other movies, it still holds up pretty well. The main problem is, of course, Ebirah. Definetly Godzilla's worst foe. I mean, really, A GIANT LOBSTER!? But, other than that, the film is quite good, following the usual trend that the Godzilla movies tend to have much better plots than their american counterparts of the time. Here we have a young man trying to find his brother taking his friends with him to look at boats. When they board one to look around, they find a man with a gun to greet them. He claims to be the owner and allows them to spend the night on the boat. When they wake up the next morning, however, the young man has taken the boat to find his brother. It's wrecked in a storm and they are stranded on an island where they discover a secret organisation called the Red Bamboo is using slave labor to make nuclear weapons. Ebirah, a giant lobster, prevents boats from entering or leaving the island, and Okondoru, a giant condor, prevents planes from arriving. The man who claimed to own the boat, Yoshimura, turns out to be both a thief and the most resourceful member of their little group (which now also includes an escaped slave played by the wonderful Kumi Mizuno). They discover that Godzilla is sleeping on the island, so they wake him up in order to stop the Red Bamboo. He trashes the base, defeats the two other, ahem, monsters, and the slaves and group are all saved by Mothra (who really isn't looking to good by now). The thief, Yoshimura, is definetly my favorite character in this, and the special effects are pretty good at times (he may be a pathetic monster, but Ebirah looks great). As a bonus, it also makes for a great MST3K episode.
Jason and the Argonauts (1963)
A great Harryhausen piece.
Ah, Harryhausen. The greatest special effects artist of all time. Jason and the Argonauts is another one of his grand films that inspired the next generation of film makers. The plot is straightforward and pure fantasy (always the best) Jason's family is killed and his father's throne usurped by an evil conqueror, who also angers Hera by killing innocents in her temple. Tweny years after all this, Jason returns for revenge, and through a complicated series of events, sets out to find the legendary Golden fleece, which will restore his kingdom to its former glory.
ALong the way, of course, he encounters that most dangerous of obstacles, Harryhausen's imagination. A towering bronze giant (picture an ancient Greek version of aa cross between Godzilla and the Terminator), named Talos; Winged Harpies, who torment a blind prophet; a seven headed hydra, who gaurds the fleece; and, best of all, seven armed skelitons. The hydra is probably the only one I was disapointed by. It looks great, but it doesn't really do much. However, considering the work poor Harryhuasen did for what it is, I should be glad it's in there at all.
The Skeliton swordfight is the best sequence in the film. It is, in fact, one of the best sequences ever. I've never seen anything like it! Jason and his men make actual contact with the things, they actually grab their weapons and punch them down! It's incredible! A definite must see for anyone who even knows the name Harryhausen (and for everyone else. If for nothing else, then for the skelitons)
Night Train to Mundo Fine (1966)
HEY! COLMEN! MOST MOVIES USE A WONDERFUL NEW THING THESE DAYS. IT'S CALLED A "PLOT"!
My god I hate this movie! the maine charaters are a couple of criminals who we are supposed to be sympithising with, but I wanted them in prisin. They decide to run off to cuba, for some reason. they get captured, a few random people are shot, they escape (I think) they throw a guy down a well (?), they steal a car, hop a train, shoot a wife, two get captured, Colmen Francis gets shot.
The Good; The "Night Train to Mundo Fine" Song is ok, there are some shots where you can't see Colmen Francis, he dies!
The Bad; NO PLOT, I HATED THE CHARACTERS, IS MEAN, ANTI-LAW, ANTI-AMERICAN, ANARCHISTIC. THERE ARE CLOSE UPS OF COLMEN FRANCIS, HE IS ON SCREEN MOST OF THE TIME, IS IMPOSIBLY STUPIDE! I could go on for days, but this is a summery of one pathedic movie.
Godzilla (1998)
Good God NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
What IDIOT decided it would be a good idea to make an American Godzilla movie? That's like haveing James Bond work for the CIA. It just isn't done! But, I tend to be generous whenever I watch this movie (always it's so me and my friend can make fun of it) I prefer to view it as a some-what passible remake of "The Beast From 20000 Fathoms". I mantain that the stupidest idea in recent filmaking history is the decision to try to pass this off as a Godzilla movie. It's not. Just because it has a monster named "Godzilla" Tramping around a major city doesn't make it a Godzilla movie. The impossibly stupide (with the exception of the French guys and the two military officers) human actors are given the front stage, GINO (Godzilla In Name Only) is in barly half the scenes and doen't hold it's own (I'm not going to honor it with a gender) at all. But I think it does look like a Rhedosaur quit a bit, plus the similar plot lines (Returning to it's nesting/breeding grounds and tramping NYC). If they had done this as a remake of TBFTTF, it might have been watchable. But, seeing them try to pass of a plump, light-blue, camera-shy, personality-less, over-grown-bipedal-iguana-komodo-dragon-hybread as the beloved Kaiju, is just WRONG! It's enough to make any G-fan sick!
I'll end this saying that if they do go through with their plan to release a sequal to this abomination in 2004, Godzilla's 50th birthday, then I think we should add that as the 8th deadly sin.
The Screaming Skull (1958)
Cult
I am SURE there is some sort of IMDB cult that likes movies that MST3K made fun of. After seeing both this and "Werewolf" and reading dozens of comments about how underated they are, I became convinced that there is some conpiricy going on here. Alot of people are saying that people who hate it "are only scared by gore", "Don't know good horror" or stuff like that. Well, I don't really care for gore, but I do want SOMETHING to happen in a movie! Most of it is just the wife sitting and looking around! Or walking around the house/garden! A movie requires something to give it atmosphoere, you don't get it by just have pointless scenes were someone walks around and stares. Oh, and "Makes you think"? Yeah, I was thinking "MOVE! YOU @#$0&%!!" One of the worst horror movie I have ever scene!
P.s. For the record, I am a big fan of the old style of horror, Dracula, Frankenstein, That kind of stuff.
Independence Day (1996)
"We will not vanish without a fight..."
This is an excerpt from probably my favorite movie speech of all time. it comes when the president is about to lead a masive air force in a make-it-or-break it effort to show which is the stronger species. Independence Day is one of my favorite movies, and I have a TON of trouble finding what people hate so much about it. It shows something almost no movies show nowadays, the better side of human nature, the coming together to take out the larger threat that threatens to destroy them all. It also features some spectacular special effects, funny sequences, good acting, and a "Rah! Rah!" ending that had me cheering for hours. a feel good movie that is exciting as hell and gets you cheered up like nothing else!
Anaconda (1997)
HA! Bruce ain't got NOTHING on ME!!!
One of my personal favorites, the snake looked animated, but I couldn't care less (and anacondas do look a little animated), the script\acting had a few (and far between) bad bits, but are soon patched up with great parts (I.E. john voight getting hit in the head with a golf club). The snakes were ssssooooooooooooo cool! (there were two, a male and a female, the male is the one that gets shoot in the head and the female is the one at the end) when ever I see the female anaconda falling, flaming from a chimny I always want her to shout out "HA! Bruce ain't got NOTHING on ME!" In short, one of the few movies which I agree with Ebert on.
Clear and Present Danger (1994)
Willem Dafoe steals this movie *SPOILERS*
As the only Clancy book I've read SO FAR is "Rainbow Six" I can't say how well Ryan or anyone else is portrayed in this movie compared to the books, but I will say that both Willem Dafoe as John Clark and Raymond Cruz as Domingoe "Ding" Chavez are just as I pictured them. Willem Dafoe bacically steals any movie for me, and his performance as Clark was cold, blunt and ultra cool, just as it should be ("Ryans dead, now get me back in contact with my team"). and Raymond Cruz, in probably his largest role, is great as Chavez, a tough little souldier, who is Clarks future son-in-law. Other than that, I should probably sy that I like Harrison Ford best as Jake Ryan, although I haven't read a book with him in it yet.
Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Brosnan's best so far
Tomorrow never dies is Pierce Brosnon's best Bond movie so far. It has a faster pace then Goldeneye and is smarter and better acted than The World is not Enough. All of Bronan's are good and this is a supirieor example. The opening sequence is as sensational as any I have seen and TND has two of the best Bond villians. Elliot Carver is an insane media baron who wants to start WWIII and then have media rights in China and more to report on. And Mr. Stamper is the best hard man since Jaws. He is so cool, he just grins as bond sticks a knife into his shoulder and he dosen't seem to feel anything. As for Bond girls, Wai Lin is one of the best. She is extremely tough being a martial arts expert and extremely beutifull. Then there are the one liners, with my favorite being "Filthy habit" after punching out a man with a cigaret and "they'll print anything these days" after knocking a man into a printing press.
The Time Machine (2002)
This time, something happens
Why does everyone hate this movie? Because it took place ten years after the book took place and in new york? I don't get it. I, personally, LOVED this movie. I enjoyed it more then I enjoyed the book, mostly because the book was pretty depressing. The ending manages to be creepy, cool, exciting, and follow the book to a certain degree (the inside of the morlocks' cavern looks just as it should). The Time Machine was a character in itself and the human characters were well acted, but the movie belongs to the time machine and Jeremy Irons. He was SO creepy and really deserves to be nominated for best supporting acter. In short, DON'T see this movie if you are obsessed with the book or the 1960's version, but see this movie if you are not a member of the time machine cult.
P.S. Hey, Stan Winston did the morlocks, what more do you want?
Reign of Fire (2002)
GO HUMANITY!!!!!!! HOORAH!!!!!
Oh, This is a GOOD movie!!! I was cheering all through the end and the battle scenes!!! The end had me wanting to jump up and shout "YES!! YES!!! GO TO @%^^ YOU SON-OF-A-@%%^^!!!!!! A great movie for patriotic nuts like me who enjoy a happy movie!! rather predictable, but still fun. I liked the characters and the small love story between Alex and Quin. the other main characters were cool and fun so I was interested in seeing who would die. and some times I wanted to shout out "I LIKED that guy!!" Do NOT miss. great movie!!!!
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Three Rings for the Elven Kings, Under The Sky........
I wish I could quote the whole poem. The Lord of the Rings is, far and away, the BEST MOVIE OF 2001!!! And #2 of all time!!! Right behind the Star Wars trilogy (which I count as one movie) and right above the Longest Day. The movie does it's best to follow the books (and cuts out several pointless parts) and is just as I pictured it. AMZING acting, UNBELEAVIBLE fx, AND ALL AROUND ONE OF THE MOST SPECTACULAR MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!! 10/10!!! and I only resurve that for the BEST the most FLAWLESS of movies!!! Nominated for 13 academy awards and should've won all of them!!! but the academy ALWAYS goes for the artsy movies!!!!
The Longest Day (1962)
My all time favorite
I LOVE this movie!! The Special effects, lack of color, and expeciolly the acting and cinematography make this not only the very best war movie ever made (yes, I HAVE seen SPR) but also one of the best movies ever made. See it, see it now, what are you waiting for, SEE IT!!!!!
The Lost World (1925)
THE BEST DARNED DINOSAUR MOVIE EVER!!!!!!!!!
OK, mabe only second best behind a certain Speilberg movie, but the first real classic. The first big-bugget (for the time) special effects movie, the first dinosaur movie and one of my favorites, one of my most prized possesions is a FULLY RESTORED 135-MINUTE VERSION! for everyone who wants to see the restored version, keep watching TCM and keep a vcr handy with some blank tapes.
Anaconda (1997)
HA! Bruce ain't got NOTHING on ME!!!
One of my personal favorites, the snake looked animated, but I couldn't care less (and anacondas do look a little animated), the script\acting had a few (and far between) bad bits, but are soon patched up with great parts (I.E. john voight getting hit in the head with a golf club). The snakes were ssssooooooooooooo cool! (there were two, a male and a female, the male is the one that gets shoot in the head and the female is the one at the end) when ever I see the female anaconda falling, flaming from a chimny I always want her to shout out "HA! Bruce ain't got NOTHING on ME!" In short, one of the few movies which I agree with Ebert on.
On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is, with out a dought, the WORST bond movie EVER!!! Do ya want too know why? I'll first say this, I LOVE EVERY bond movie EXCEPT this one. It's not only silly and stupide, I like Bond movies like that, but (brace your self) it's BORING thats right!! DULL!!! and not just bond getting married ethier, that I can live with. But the action sequences are very few and you can't see whats going on! the camera is unfocused and moves quickly. Telly Savalas as Blofeld can't hold a candle to Charles Gray and is unworthy to role in Donald Plesences spittle!!! This movie is very random and THE STUPIDEST bond movie EVER!!! Nothing happens and what happens is confusing and boring to whatch. The best part is inside Bond's office which last's about 30 seconds. In short, The most OVERRATED movie EVER (not counting Titanic, of course). DO NOT under ANY circumstances see this movie.
Ice Age (2002)
HAAAAAAA!! Brilliant!
Anyone who does not like this movie either slept through it or is just crazy.I have not laughed this hard since Shrek and this is even funnier when you know something of the time period, as I do (my favorite joke involves a glyptodont and an "evolutionary advantage") John Leguizamo is even funnier then in Super Mario Brothers and I especially liked Deigo the Saber-toothed and Scrat, the.....thing. all in all, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, MISS SEEING THIS MOVIE.
Aliens vs. Predator 2 (2001)
EEEEEYEEYEEYEYEYEYEYEYE
I LOVE THIS GAME!!! Got it for christmas, spent the rest of the vacation playing it. I probably like the Marines campain best and the predators abilatys (love the shoulder cannon) I was scared to death with this thing!! The aliens are also fun to play as, I WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF COMING OUT OF THE GUYS CHEST.
The Time Machine (2002)
This time, something happens
Why does everyone hate this movie? Because it took place ten years after the book took place and in new york? I don't get it. I, personally, LOVED this movie. I enjoyed it more then I enjoyed the book, mostly because the book was pretty depressing. The ending manages to be creepy, cool, exciting, and follow the book to a certain degree (the inside of the morlocks' cavern looks just as it should). The Time Machine was a character in itself and the human characters were well acted, but the movie belongs to the time machine and Jeremy Irons. He was SO creepy and really deserves to be nominated for best supporting acter. In short, DON'T see this movie if you are obsessed with the book or the 1960's version, but see this movie if you are not a member of the time machine cult.
P.S. Hey, Stan Winston did the morlocks, what more do you want?