Professor_Horror Reviews

Mr. Puzzles wants you to be less alive (2021 Video)

What happens when you force a bot to watch 400,000 hours of horror

[8/10 · 1 April 2023]

Comedian Keaton Patti joins forces with Netflix to create a horror short film with his particular shtick- writing a screenplay from the point of view of a bot who has been forced to watch an inordinate number of hours of genre film.

In this case, Patti, tongue firmly in cheek, forced the bot to watch 400,000 hours of horror films and the result was 'Mr. Puzzles Wants You to Be Less Alive,' a 4 minute short that is a mishmash of horror homages, well-worn genre tropes mangled in knots, and truly inexplicable nonsense. And it's pretty great.

The true fan of this short is someone who has seen as many splatter films as possible, from1980s slashers through the 2000s era torture porns (especially the Saw series). However anyone who likes horror comedy and allows themselves to go with Patti's bot conceit will have a fun four minutes.

Saint Laurent - Summer of '21 (2020 Video)

Saint Laurent Models Saunter Around Noe's Red Mansion

[6/10 · 10 March 2023]

Director Gaspar Noe showcases Saint Laurent's Summer 2021 Collection in his classic dark and color-oversaturated vibe. The short film starts with model Aylah Mae Peterson fleeing in Texas Chainsaw Massacre-style from some unseen threat until she safely reaches a mansion in the forest.

From there, the narrative (if there was supposed to be one) ends, and the fashion show begins. Noe bathes the interior of the mansion in his trademark red, which adds atmosphere, but not sure that it was successful in showing off Saint Laurent's threads.

Charlotte Rampling is obviously owns the camera in her scenes here, most notably at the end. For those with an interest in Saint Laurent's Covid-Era duds and Noe completists only.

Zebra (2019)

If you came for Gonsalves or zebras, look elsewhere.

[6/10 · 7 March 2023]

If you are looking for actual zebra horror, you'll have to look elsewhere; no animals, cloven-hoofed or otherwise, are found in this wicked little short by filmmaker Peter Spann.

Subverting expectations are the name of the game here and, despite its four minute run time, it succeeds rather well, even though it doesn't ask its actresses to do a whole lot. The film would have been helped a bit by delaying the reveal a beat longer.

The biggest shortcoming of this short is that the action is unconvincing. Better editing and shotmaking would do wonders here. If you came to this short to soak in the sights of Ellie Gonsalves, you will be also mostly disappointed. But beyond those critiques, this bloody little gore short is not a waste of four minutes.

Thanksgiving Knowledge (2021)

Reheated Turkey with Varshay Graham.

[5/10 · 10 December 2022]

Writer and director Daniel Ray doesn't go out of his way to find a new and interesting way to breathe life into the old unexpected phone call trope; his short is essentially the opening of Scream (1996) if the caller was a supernatural, yet somehow less threatening, version of Jigsaw from Saw (2004).

The bright spot in short is Varshay Graham, who does her very best to provide the tension throughout the film's 11 minute run time. As game as Graham is, she isn't able to overcome the poor technical work and sound and threadbare plot.

Though Thanksgiving Knowledge is mostly a leftover turkey, it isn't a waste of a dozen minutes of your life. Watch Graham here and prepare to see her again down the road.

Pizzamonster (2018)

Metaphor half delivered by puke-burp.

[4/10 · 13 October 2022]

Poor rejected Leon, crying in his pizza, finds new love in this short from 2018. Purportedly going for a black humor, this film mixes its metaphor for failed relationships with ill-timed belches. It's hard to tell if the director is channeling the 27-year-old him or the 13-year-old him. Either way, it misses the mark.

To flesh out the Pizzamonster, the director likely needs twice the run-time (or at least a couple of more minutes) so that he has time for the intermittent gross-out gags he likes so much. Without time devoted to the Pizzamonster herself, the short lacks the time to get to know her in any quality way for the metaphor.

Lots of films, long and short, feature love-stricken losers. Pick a different one than this.

Hangnail (2020)

Not much going for it

[4/10 · 27 April 2021]

With three minutes, you don't have the time to say much, but Hangnail doesn't really say anything. It's essentially a one-trick pony and that trick isn't all that convincing. If you're looking for a quick body-horror squirm, I guess it succeeds there in a lo-fi way, otherwise there are much better horror shorts to be had, even at three minutes.

Braindead (1992)

Best Horror-Comedy of All-Time

[10/10 · 4 February 2002]

The Milwaukee zoo needs a rat monkey. Until it can be arranged, I will continue to dutifully watch 'Braindead' every year and enjoy every second of it. This film is definitely not for new fans of Peter Jackson's 'Lord of the Rings' movie, thinking that a cute, lovable, furry-footed hobbit will appear in Braindead's opening scenes. That audience will not be ready for the Braindead's gore, blood, and guts.

Although do I believe that the rat monkey has furry feet...

For all those horror-com junkies out there, this movie is head and shoulders above them all. I seen the film many times and I'm still laughing so hard that I am wiping tears from my eyes. I highly endorse Braindead as a party flick; this movie is great when viewed by the largest number of sick minds at once! Rent it. Buy it. Enjoy it.