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Reviews
Satan's Cheerleaders (1977)
Seriously bad!
Every bad movie I've seen previously has SOME redeeming feature. Maybe a great soundtrack, or stunning photography. Perhaps a strong storyline or (best of all!) a leading lady happy to let the puppies play.
This film has none of them. Not one. It singularly lacks any redeeming features whatsoever, and I urge you not to miss the opportunity to see it! As I watched this film - in a similar manner to which I'd watch an approaching tornado or an aircraft crashing into my house - my jaw dropped wider and wider at just how appalling this film is.
Describing the acting as "wooden" just insults trees. The script? Surely they were making it up as they went along? The photography and direction? C'mon, this must have been a student project, right?? This is a desperately, desperately terrible film. Unfortunately, IMDb doesn't allow negative votes as this movie is missing out on a record!
Open Water (2003)
A terrible film
There are some films which are so bad, they almost become good. OPEN WATER is not one of them.
The film opens with 10 minutes of utter drivel. Apart from the shaky camera work, we're treated to a whole bunch of meaningless arty-farty close-ups the progress the story not one iota: A door handle, Daniel's thumb, a light switch... this continues all the way through the film for no good reason at all.
Maybe the director was trying to get us to empathise with the main characters. If so, this was a goal he completely failed to hit.
Then there's the backing music. Periodically, the dramatic music crescendos and suddenly..... nothing happens! All I can think of was the director made space for the ad breaks for when it eventually hit TV. This would also account for the misplaced fade-to-blacks within the film.
+++SPOILERS BELOW+++
Finally, there is the ridiculous ending whereby Susan drowns herself. We're expected to believe that instinct didn't kick in causing her to struggle? Fortunately, the film is short at just over an hour and a quarter long, however you can help wishing it was shorter still.
My verdict: MISS.
The Last Samurai (2003)
Disappointing
To me, the big disappointment with this film is the predictability of the script. From the moment Algren is captured by Katsumoto, it's possible to guess with some accuracy every single cliche that's going to be sprung onto us.
Yes, it was well made with some excellent cinematography (although nowhere near as sumptuous as Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon with which it'll be most compared). Cruise & Watanabe both give competent performances without ever crossing the "Wow!" threshold.
An entertaining enough evening although don't think for a moment you're going to see a classic.