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Aphostile
Reviews
Ninja Academy (1989)
This movie is so bad it's good.
God bless Nico is what I say. This is B-movie perfection. Stereotypes are twisted and turned every which way possible. The film is so light hearted and mad-cap that you can't help but laugh your way through.
The greatest thing about this movie is that it gleefully breaks all the rules and mocks the martial arts movie genre soundly, while not completely disrespecting it.
The level of absurdity could not be raised much higher than it was raised here in Ninja Academy. You either love it or hate it I suppose. If you like B-movies then you'll adore it. Otherwise, your taste is too refined and elite for me.
Bedford Springs (2002)
Decent Indy movie
This was pretty interesting and entertaining for a very low budget effort. It's definitely one of the better free to watch movies on Cinemanow that I've seen.
Bedford Springs has a rather interesting style- it's a character driven film that isn't quite a comedy or a drama. It's mildly amusing and mildly dramatic in parts, but never boring.
A lot of people will be able to relate to one or more of the characters. The females are portrayed as strong and intelligent and I'd be surprised if that had nothing to do with why women have rated it much higher on average here.
It's far from perfect, though. The script seems like it was underdeveloped and the characters behave in ways that don't add up at times. It also doesn't really have much of an ending.
(MILD SPOILERS) For instance, Guy seems to really dislike his friend's mother and expresses a strong desire to avoid her as much as possible. Yet in the middle of the movie, he waltzes in her house, helps himself to cornflakes and plops down right in front of her on the couch as if he never had such a sentiment.
Also, it's never explained how a terminal slacker like Guy was able to pay for his apartment in the first place, much less all the fast food and consumer goods he is buying throughout the film despite supposedly being broke and desperate for cash.
Guy is fairly convincingly portrayed as a directionless, but very smart guy surrounded and vexed by relative idiots. However, one would think with all his wits he would have been less bumbling a criminal. You get the impression he was fortunate not to get busted along with his dullard friend.
It's definitely worth watching for free. You won't feel like you wasted your time.
Things Are Tough All Over (1982)
Hey man, thins are tough all over.
I really liked this movie. Besides being funny, it really did a decent job of illustrating how nobody's life tends to be a a bed of roses regardless of who somebody is or isn't. I've often thought of the film to put things in a different perspective when I've found myself envying another person for whatever reason. Chances are, it's not easy being anybody.
It was largely a departure from all of the drug humor in previous films, but the drug was going at full steam ahead around when it came out. Besides, it was about time they branched out and explored new humor horizons.
Tru Calling (2003)
Engaging overall storyline, but annoyingly flawed otherwise.
I was someone who wasn't in love or disgust with this show. I am only disappointed it has been cancelled because the interesting ongoing storyline will never get to come full circle. It seems like it got cut off just when things really started getting juicy.
I really enjoyed the idea of good versus evil rewinders and it would have been nice to see them develop it a lot further than they got the chance to.
What I never cared for was the soapy acting style, the too often cringe-worthy dialogue and the dumb downed pseudo-intellectual writing. The suspension of disbelief was always impaired because the actors were not acting like people would in real life.
A lot of times they would have characters spouting off utter nonsense, trying to make them sound smart. A perfect example of this is the episode where the student woman needs to be saved from her poker game fate. When she is tutoring a class before the game, she cites an Einstein quote to cement the point she was making to the class as fact that asserted a famously mistaken belief he held.
For more reasons than Jason Priestly being present, it always reminded me of an Aaron Spelling produced night-time soap, except with a more engaging premise than his shows have tended to have.
Vampires (1998)
Far from the worst John Carpenter has ever delivered. His fans won't be disappointed.
I really kind of got a kick out of this one, though not quite Mahogony wood. I approached it with really low expectations, having sat through the miserable experience that was Ghosts of Mars first and having seen the mediocre IMDb ratings. That may have helped my opinion.
It has gotten better with age too. The relentless Catholic bashing goes over much better these days in the wake of the scandals.
The thing about John Carpenter movies in general is you have to approach them expecting style over substance because that's his cup of tea. If you are ever expecting something deep and sensible he's not the man to give it to you.
He rarely fails to deliver something stylish though, and this one was no exception. James Woods was awesome as the bitter bad-ass Vampire hunter and B-movie Daniel Baldwin backed him up nicely as Montoya.
The final script really wasn't all that bad as far as Carpenter movies go either. There were no moments where it imploded on itself, ala Ghosts of Mars. It all flowed along quite nicely for something so divorced from reality and more than a little disturbed to begin with.
I dare say I even liked it better than Near Dark, a more highly regarded Vampire flick. They both didn't fail on the style factor but this one had less glaring and incomprehensible plot holes. If you're a Carpenter fluff fan, I believe you'll be hard pressed to regret killing time on this one.
Unspeakable (2002)
This guy must have shelled out a lot of money to hire PR shills.
It's hysterical how so many people have found it to praise this crapola so highly and have the gall to accuse people with OBJECTIVE negative opinions of having some kind of personal problem with this Pavan Grover guy.
I'm a big fan of Lance Henrikson and Hopper. I even fully admit Pavan Grover demonstrated clear acting talent and ability. It's just too bad he didn't decide to stick with what he is good at. He would have been hard pressed to pull a less competent and "Unpraiseworthy" screenplay out of his behind.
The problem with this movie began and ended with that ridiculous screenplay.
It was simply a nonsensical mess, with terrible dialogue that branched out in tons of directions with no development, focus, rhyme or reason.
If cinematography, production value, quality of actors, sound and special effects were all that mattered then it would be a good movie.
The Meaning of Life (1983)
As good or bad as you agree or disagree with it.
I absolutely loved this movie. Admittedly, it's filled with very dark, biting humor with undertones of social criticism. It's very different from anything else Monty Python attempted but it retains the marvelously silly quality of the other works.
I think just how much someone appreciates this movie depends on how tolerant they are of the themes and ideas being presented. A deeply religious person would be more offended than usual. Anyone offended by the viewpoint that life is ultimately meaningless will also not appreciate it.
I remember some critics were bashing it here when it came out by pointing out the Grim Reaper character's negative comments regarding Americans. I always found this profoundly ridiculous since on the balance, they bashed themselves, the English too, in the same sketch.
The Meaning of Life (1983)
As good or bad as you agree or disagree with it.
I absolutely loved this movie. Admittedly, it's filled with very dark, biting humor with undertones of social criticism. It's very different from anything else Monty Python attempted but it retains the marvelously silly quality of the other works.
I think just how much someone appreciates this movie depends on how tolerant they are of the themes and ideas being presented. A deeply religious person would be more offended than usual. Anyone offended by the viewpoint that life is ultimately meaningless will also not appreciate it.
I remember some critics were bashing it here when it came out by pointing out the Grim Reaper character's negative comments regarding Americans. I always found this profoundly ridiculous since on the balance, they bashed themselves, the English too, in the same sketch.
Dead Man (1995)
Simply Incredible... but definitely not for everyone.
(WARNING: Contains some spoilers.)
This was a marvelous film. It has meaning, it makes sense. It's not faking anything.
While it does require certain knowledge to fully appreciate, there is definitely more to be gained than egotistical satisfaction by understanding it.
What I was most impressed by was that even if you're not familiar with William Blake, Dante's Inferno and other literary references in the movie, what remains is still engaging and watchable. Certainly, at least some of the references slipped by me.
I strongly believe the odd, clumsy style of the gunfights was no accident. With partial exception of the first exchange, they are designed to show the outcome as fate rather than to simply turn Depp's character from a total klutz to an adept killer.
I would agree that fate in and of itself is not something valuable in a real context. We believe in choice and consequence. Yet, it's what drives this story and makes it work.
The only part I felt was possibly drawn out too long was the beginning on the train before Crispin Glover's character appears. The scenes of Blake looking around could have been halved without sacrificing any meaning. It also may have helped sway those who jump to conclusions based on first impressions.
I'm amazed it got an R rating with the head stomping scene. That was as gory as it was unexpected. I had no personal objection to it but I have to wonder how many might turn away at that point, if not at the cannibalism scene which followed shortly afterward.
Unless you object to strangeness and less than quick pacing, definitely give this one a chance. You'll be hard pressed not to walk away appreciating at least something about it.
The Crazies (1973)
Color film and bad lighting are a very bad combination.
I think, in and of itself this movie would have been a lot more effective in black and white ala "Night of The Living Dead" because the lighting was so abysmal as previously mentioned. It was a great film in concept but the lack of visual appeal was its' most glaring shortcoming for me.
On the other hand, George Romero had to learn somewhere and he apparently did, judging from his later works.
Tears of the Sun (2003)
The worst of the year so far by a landslide and profoundly overrated to boot. I'm talking walk out of the theater pathetic!
(WARNING: CONTAINS A SPOILER, BUT MORE OF A SAVIOR IN THIS CASE!)
I cannot believe this movie's rating here. If I were Mr. Hand from Ridgemont High, I'd be saying "You're all on dope"! This movie tries to present itself as a serious war movie, but realism and common sense are nowhere to be found. The only way I can imagine someone could possibly enjoy this turkey is if they knew nothing about the military to notice the relentless lack of realism.
My hopes were not very high to begin with. I saw it billed on TV as "The Best War Movie Since Black Hawk Down". Since that only came out a little over a year ago, that isn't saying much.
Still, I'd take "We Were Soldiers" or "Hart's War" over this total junk any day. It makes them both look like classics in comparison.
There was only one thing in this movie that was remotely plausible- extremist African Muslims trying to wipe out Christians. Practically everything else was beyond ridiculous and would never happen.
In fact, it seemed as if they were determined to make it ridiculous. The only SEAL who had half a clue was the first one to catch a bullet.
As can be confirmed by my voting history, I'm generally not very tough on films. I can look past quite a bit of stupidity, but this movie refused to stop serving it up in shiploads. I spent most of the time shaking my head, wanting to gag and trying to convince the person whose bright idea it was to see it to walk out with me. The cinematography, production value and special effects were all this movie had in its' favor. I generally despised it too much to give it any credit for that.
If you want to see a somewhat similar story executed world's more effectively, check out "Three Kings". "Tears of the Sun" is a study in nonsense. If it were older, it would have made decent MST3K fodder. I gave it one IMDB star.
City by the Sea (2002)
Effective and engaging drama.
(WARNING: COMMENTS CONTAIN SPOILERS!)
This movie was a lot better than a lot of people give it credit for. Understandably, the citizens of Long Beach, Long Island are upset because the town was demonized for the sake of the story.
The Long Beach scenes were actually filmed in Asbury Park, New Jersey- the place Bruce Springsteen put on the map. Asbury Park is what they wanted Long Beach to be like in the movie, but it's not "The City by the Sea".
Otherwise we have here a quality, dramatic movie with an engaging story, capable of making you feel the hardship the characters are experiencing, especially De Niro's character, Vincent LaMarca.
It's no surprise James Franco was previously chosen to play James Dean on television. He revives the character here marvelously with a measure of New York City grit in his voice.
New York City grit dictates the acting style in this film. To people unfamiliar with the area the acting may very well seem wooden. However, the characters were not only city dwellers but mostly hardened people who have experienced more rain than sunshine in their lives. With that considered, the style works perfectly.
There are however a few issues I had with the story. It's ridiculous for Vincent LaMarca to trust the grand daughter he barely knows to take just what she needs for cigarettes out of his wallet unsupervised. They should have just had her leave or deceive him out of the cash.
My other big gripes were less idiotic but far more crucial to the plot. Spyder had to be aware that the police might also be after Joey. Given that, you would think he would have attempted to verify the person coming up the ladder was actually Joey. The situation would not be worth murdering a police officer over to any dealer with even a fraction of a brain.
You just have to accept that Spyder made a big mistake in order for the rest of the movie to work, and it's not completely impossible- just highly unlikely.
They also leave you to guess how Spyder found out where Joey lived. You have to assume Joey's girlfriend told him and that didn't seem necessary since she left and took her child to Vincent for his safety.
Of course Joey's timing is also a little too convenient at the climax, but I expect this out of Hollywood. As long as everything up until the climax makes sense, I'm satisfied.
Otherwise, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. There were no bad performances and while they tried to end it on a positive note, they didn't go overboard. If you are looking for an action movie, you'll be disappointed. If you're looking to watch a good, gritty crime drama with a twist, this is a great candidate. I gave it eight stars on IMDB's scale but I would have preferred to give it seven and a half.
Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
Watchable, but profoundly unrealistic with motives lacking.
(WARNING: COMMENTS CONTAIN SPOILERS)
This was one of those movies I could sit through without feeling like I totally wasted my time, but it was begging for realism and more of a sense of purpose. I might have been annoyed if I had paid anything to see it but I just caught it on cable the other day.
While they may have thought they were leaving it open to viewer interpretation, I wanted to know exactly why this man wanted to drink himself to death and it is never clearly explained- he doesn't really remember why.
Most drunks puke a lot and often over as has been noted in other comments. Most drunks would also fail to capture the affections of a hardened street walker. Granted nobody wants to pay for a puke fest but the tale was so dark I don't think it would hurt much.
I think of Nicolas Cage as a competent, but overrated actor. He did a good job with the role and was much more suited for his role than his femme fatale. He also had a few lines and scenes which provided some much needed comic relief. One could be cruel and consider the possibility that maybe he really was drunk during the shooting, but I believe he would have been able to pull it off sober as well.
Elizabeth Shue is way too attractive to be a street hooker. While her dedication to the role was commendable and she did it as well as she possibly could have given the mediocre script- she was a definite miscast for the role. A woman that attractive would much more likely be an in call/out call sort that wouldn't need to put up with a pimp daddy taking all her money and physically abusing her.
She never seems to be able to get her prices straight either. Notice they vary wildly throughout the movie and are incongruent with what she explains toward the beginning, bargaining considered. Ever since the AIDS epidemic, most prostitutes insist on condoms if the date is stupid enough not to want one and will not offer to let a john do many of the things she offered in the movie.
The absolute high point of the film for me was seeing Elizabeth Shue's breasts but they don't get nearly enough screen time. It definitely could have benefitted from more Shue nudeness. I was also relieved the ending wasn't of the typical Hollywood cookie cutter type. Atleast it follows the premise until the bitter end.
To me, the film lacks any real message or sense of purpose. I'm reaching here but it came out in a time where the limits of acceptability were being tested and redefined. The process continues to this day, but perhaps in some small way it assisted in redrawing the lines. I gave it 5 stars wishing I could give it a 4.5.
Hellraiser (1987)
A Brilliant Eighties Horror Classic, Despite Some Flaws.
(WARNING: These comments contain some spoilers considering the movie is fifteen years old.)
Like the novella, "The Hellbound Heart", that inspired it this film was wonderfully creative and captivating while at the same time morbidly dark, horrific and repulsive. What was accomplished with such a modest budget is simply amazing, especially considering the limited experience Clive Barker had as a filmmaker.
However the movie lacked the eloquence of the novella which probably explains why some were disappointed at the relative lack of sophistication. If you had read the book first you may have well expected Mr. Barker to work his poetic style of writing into the screenplay more than he did.
Still, compared to its' eighties slasher flick peers, Hellraiser is high brow with an intelligent story and a surreal presentation reminiscient of Phantasm.
I think the worst mistake was dubbing the actor who played Frank Cotton. Even if his accent is a little hard to understand, I can't imagine it being less effective than the obnoxiously wooden Godzilla-esque dub over that replaced Sean Chapman's natural voice. I would love to see the British version someday as this unfortunately added an element of cheap cheese to the film that wouldn't otherwise be present.
Frankendubbed aside, I found the performances to be adequate while mostly falling short of great. Some of the dialogue definitely left something to be desired.
It's also somewhat silly that the toughest and smartest person of anyone in the story is a 17 year old girl. Not that I have a problem with an intelligent 17 year old girl being the heroine, but she was the only one with any common sense. She all but slapped the Cenobites around while crafty evil Frank was at their mercy.
My only other complaint is how poorly the death of Julia was handled. Not only did she die way too fast, but she looked long dead right afterwards. Perhaps it could be viewed as an artistic device considering the surreal nature of the film, but it definitely stands out.
As much as I elaborated on the flaws, there was far more that I loved about Hellraiser. Without the Cenobites this story would have been extremely creepy but they added to it an extra entertaining dimension of terror. What was explained more clearly in the book was that Frank was convinced he was opening Pandora's box rather than Pinhead's. It was well enough left out as even someone as foolish as Frank wouldn't have sought what he ended up getting.
The Cenobites brilliantly represented the unknown as horrific sadomasochistic demons from beyond. It's a shame that sequels were made, but it's a bigger shame that those who made them failed to realize that the less we know about these demons the more we fear them.
There was just so much to be afraid of in this movie- numerous hideous Cenobites, Frank, Julia, and even a creepy evil eyed insect ingesting bum that Larry's daughter frequently encountered. They all should have known better than to mess with Kristy!
I loved the special effects! Be sure your stomach is sitting well with you before you watch as Hellraiser is relentlessly gory. At the same time, it manages to effectively convey the theme of the book- mankind's obsessions with pleasure. I highly recommend both the film and the book for any fans of horror.
Blade Runner (1982)
As good as science fiction gets on the big screen!
(WARNING: These comments contain some spoilers.)
This movie is as good as science fiction gets on the big screen. I think it suffered because the title and premise left people expecting an action flick when what they got was a dramatic, moderately paced story set in the future with a film noir flair.
The special effects were incredible, even by today's standards. All of the images were beautifully dark and disturbing. I'll never forget J.F. Sebastian's haunting genetic toys!
For a simple story on the surface, it had far more depth beneath. It's definitely not a movie where who the bad guys are is really ever clear. The Blade Runner hates his job- he feels like a murderer. Is he?
The director's cut introduces the notion of Deckard being a replicant himself. I prefer this version. The voice overs in the original are largely redundant and unnecessary despite sometimes providing additional insight. I also hate happy endings.
My main complaint is that this probably would never happen. Why make super-human slaves so human that they don't want to be slaves? If Tyrell were truly so brilliant you'd think he'd have more foresight, unless perhaps he dementedly wanted things to turn out like they did.
Still the themes and moral dilemmas the movie presents are relevant and provocative. This movie is a must see for fans of good, intelligent movies. Just don't expect an action flick.
A Beautiful Mind (2001)
A terrific movie, so long as it is judged as just that.
(POSSIBLE SLIGHT CONCEPTUAL SPOILERS AHEAD)
This film was designed to be captivating at the expense of some realism and much historical accuracy. No, the real John F. Nash isn't quite so heroic, and paranoid schizophrenia isn't exactly what the movie makes it out to be.
However, the way they portrayed his illness made the movie. Not only did it enrich the plot, but it allowed the viewer to relate to the horror and tragedy of his affliction in a way that might not otherwise be possible.
It helped much of course that the acting was top notch. Jennifer Connelly's character came off as a little bit too good to seem possible but that's another element that serves to make the story work so well.
I wish A Beautiful Mind came out last year so that something more substantial than Gladiator could have grabbed the Academy Award for Best Picture. This was a much better year for Hollywood so it's not sure to win but it would have my vote if I had one.
American Beauty (1999)
American Beauty is a powerful masterpiece, resplendent even in its' darkest moments.
This is far and away the best movie I ever had the pleasure of experiencing.
Perhaps there were tiny flaws I missed, but I was too mesmerized to notice any beyond the slight shakiness of the camera panning over the neighborhood near the beginning.
It is a lost cause to try and label this masterpiece as hailing from any particular genre. It has comedy, drama, drugs, hate, love, sex, violence and a powerfully positive sense of overall purpose. It combines a plethora of interesting story-lines that by themselves have dominated countless lesser productions.
Beyond the key fact that is revealed almost immediately, the story is completely unpredictable- the plot twists will steer your suspicions awry until the very end.
The acting was perfect. Every character was played convincingly in a realistic style. I had great respect for Kevin Spacey's ability before seeing this picture. Now my admiration for his talent has risen to a new level. He assumed the role of a lifetime and shined as bright as a star can.
My only regret is that I fear I might never see anything better. I feel as though I've climbed the highest mountain of cinema and anything else will pale in comparison. Yet, I will never regret having watched it and I hope to view it many more times.
The message this rose of a film so effectively delivers is that what is truly beautiful about life becomes obscured as we become consumed by all of the negative, as we endeavor fruitlessly for security and a firm grasp on our destinies. Instead, it suggests we should cherish the joyful experiences of our pasts, look above the pain of all the thorns and take the time to appreciate what is gorgeous about the here and now.
It is a given that not everyone will be as floored as I was. Some will inevitably find much of the subject matter offensive. Those of the opinion that film noir reigns supreme are sure to have issues with my assessment as well. Still, unless you are completely repulsed by some of the content you will be extremely hard pressed not to appreciate this movie by the time the closing credits roll.
In closing I should add that in my own life I have been anything but the positive, hopeful sort to take this movie's message to heart. If someone else had posted these comments and I read them before seeing American Beauty, I would have laughed my ass off at them and wondered what illicit substances they were under the influence of. I even did scoff at some like-minded opinions beforehand. All I can say now is, "Boy, was I ever wrong"!
Ghosts of Mars (2001)
This film is what results when a very B movie screenplay gets an A budget. Ghosts of Mars is all style with no substance.
This film is what results when a very B movie screenplay gets an A budget. Ghosts of Mars is all style with no substance.
The most frightening thing about this picture to me was that so many people actually enjoyed it. This just gives Hollywood more incentive to continue producing completely mindless crap. They don't need any help doing so.
The movie does feature a great soundtrack, and excellent special effects, but any positive affect that these could have had on me was completely spoiled by the ridiculous dialogue and the bone headed script. I will definitely remember this one as John Carpenter's biggest disappointment ever.
WARNING: POSSIBLE SPOILER AHEAD! (Personally, I would consider it as further reasons not to waste your money instead.)
Nevermind the fact that the characters spend half the movie trying to escape the possessed zombie ninjas with many lives lost in the process. As soon as they escape, they decide to go back to try and destroy them once and for all. It never occurs to them that they could get reinforcements, or that when these creatures are killed the force that possesses them simply finds new hosts.
If you've seen Pitch Black, you've essentially already seen this storyline executed much more successfully.
Both films feature a tough, attractive law enforcing heroine paired up with a big, bad ass prisoner forced to work together to escape from other worldly undead creatures.
Pitch Black was able to play this out with comparatively intelligent dialogue, more grit and with the characters being able to make sensible decisions.
I regret wasting time and money with this film.