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American Ninja 4: The Annihilation (1990)
Guilty Pleasure, though not a good one
Michael Dudikoff is back as Joe Armstrong. Eventually. American Ninja 1 and 2 were fun. Doug Bradley starred in 3 with Steve James. Thinking it didn't do well, given 4 brings Dudikoff back. A bummer Steve James didn't return, his onscreen friendship with Joe was a plus in 1 and 2. This one was made in 1991 and James passed in 1993 from cancer, so I wonder if he wasn't feeling good enough to participate in this one or just read the script and ran. I know, the Canon films are definitely not 'high art' and if you go in expecting that, you're in the wrong place. That said, pretty terrible movie on the whole. Poster art made it look like a 'two man' team of Bradley and Dudikoff but that doesn't happen. Bradley gets in some kicks but spends most of the time chained to a post as a prisoner and Dudikoff comes in at about the 50 minute mark to save everyone. Story is that Dudikoff only agreed to return if he was the featured good guy American Ninja so Bradley's role was pushed onto the back burner. Maybe, you can sort of see it at times. Would have been better to see a two vs. Everyone thing, I think, but in the end if that was Dudikoff's stipulation to come back, Canon agreed. Besides, Joe Armstrong will always be the American Ninja to fans. He's also more camera friendly than Bradley. Will say Dudikoff did seem to wander through the movie with a 'don't care, where's my bag of cash' look and the symbolism of his leaving walking off on his own at the end felt like a 'the end of Joe Armstrong as the American Ninja' moment. Bad acting everywhere? Yup. Bad ninjas? Yup. Cheesy bad guys? Sure. Biggest issue is the script and the terrible fight choreography. No explanation of how Bradley and Joe know each other except 'he's a friend'. Um, ok.
The director was supposed to be a martial artist, so guess it's a case of those who can do can't show it well on a screen? Plot holes? Oh yeah. Bradley's 'Chris Rock' looking sidekick gets pulled out of his own wedding because 'they need him' and Bradley to go save the captured Delta Force team. They go after them alone and almost immediately get captured because of him. Dudikoff shows up, gets told about this Mad Max type group that can help him and he enlists them. In the end that helps them win. So, why didn't anyone bother to tell Bradley and Rock about these guys? Because then the movie wouldn't need Dudikoff. Bradley, Rock and the Delta guys are chained to posts with arms raised standing for hours, don't look tired. Later, they're all sitting on the floor in chains. Then later than that, back up on the posts. No continuity editor in sight lol. Fun fact, if you check the end credits, the person who plays the head 'Super Ninja' is also one of the Delta guys. Ninjas are supposed to be silent and stealthy assassins. Works with the all black outfit. So, why are there now Red, Blue, White and Yellow Ninjas? At least no polka dots. James Booth was good as a over the top bad guy and the Sheikh baddie isn't too far behind. All in all, we're there for cheese and fight scenes. We got cheese. The fight scenes were all so 'blah' and uninspired. Dudikoff catching an arrow in his teeth and killing a Ninja with it was fun, but otherwise all the fight scenes just came across like weakly choreographed gymnastics exhibits. Weak ending to the series, but at the end of the day, nothing will take away from American Ninja 1 and 2 as guilty pleasures of my youth. Michael Dudikoff will always be the American Ninja.
Punch (2023)
Good visuals, bad everything else
The visuals in the movie are actually good, but the rest is so bad it doesn't matter by the end. Killer is hard to understand at times with the electro-voice box, characters don't react as they should to events in front of them, and the kills are all boring except for the one with the redhead on the dock. Ending was puzzling and an attempt at a twist I guess. The twist was it didn't make sense or work at all. End credits say 'Mr. Punch will be back' so the makers seemed pretty confident they made a franchise starter. Um, no. It's nice that the friends of the crew gave the movie 8s out of 10, but watch it and you'll want to have a little talk with them afterwards. In the end, I watched this on Tubi, so free streaming. I still want my money back.
El club de los lectores criminales (2023)
Nothing too original, but still fun
Kind of a Spanish-made cross between I Know What You Did Last Summer and Scream, but still fun. Yes, predictable at times, but the actors were decent, the gore was good, and it was a fun little diversion. It's ultimately a slasher film, so you're not there for massive originality as much as getting what you expect, and the movie delivers that. Only knock is that the lead girl Angela is supposed to be a sympathetic character but she does two things that make that harder for the viewer to invest in -- she steals the story that got her published and she cheats on her boyfriend. Some will find her likeable enough overall, others won't. Still, after watching some truly horrible attempts at horror on Netflix and Tubi, this one is worth a look.
Halloween Ends (2022)
Ends challenges Ressurection for worst in the series
The same people that made the really good Halloween 2018 made this? You're kidding, right? Wow, finally a competitor for worst in the franchise, title previously held by Resurrection. I'm torn which one now has the crown. Will never get over Busta Rhymes karate fighting Michael but at least Michael mattered in that movie. This one does such a disservice to Michael that Ends will take the lead for some. Being second to Resurrection to other is not high praise either way when it comes to this movie. Nothing about this movie felt anything like a Halloween movie - musical score only at the start, then never to be heard again. No tension, no foreboding. Just a growing Twilight forbidden love story between Corey and Allyson taking up most of the movie. I get they were going for a Michael's legacy has so poisoned the town that it's bled into everyone's souls element and that was fine, just not how it got executed most of the time. This is ENDS, so we expected a full on Michael rampaging through people to get Laurie and she finally in some grand fashion manages to put evil down. We got it in the last 15 minutes kind of, but even them it was muted. The fight they had at the end of 2018 was miles above this one. No tension, no gravity. They could have had the score playing over in slow motion as they paraded through the streets, people holding pictures of loved ones lost to Michael like a vigil, and finished at the crusher with showing all the grief and tension in people's faces as Laurie said something cool like "this town has suffered enough and it needs to end....no more coming back this time" before a number of key people all put their hands on the crusher handle and push it down to 'purge' the evil and start the process of re-setting their lives and moving forward. Instead all we get is a short fight scene, quick walk to the junkyard and zero feel of the gravity of the situation. So many odd choices and inconsistencies in this movie. Townspeople blame Laurie for what Michael's done to the town. How the heck is it her fault they guy's a nut and been trying to kill her? One of them even says she antagonized him - what, by not letting him kill her in 1978? How did Michael survive in a storm drain for four years? At least in Part 4 - 5, the old man took care of him for a year so ok, some reasoning there. Here, he's just there. Why hasn't he gone after Laurie all this time? Why in the world would he take on Corey as sort of an apprentice? Corey gets his butt kicked every step of the way up to meeting Michael, but suddenly is able to put up enough fight that Michael doesn't kill him right away? Sure. Michael is mostly shown as weakened throughout the movie except the one time he can lift the nurse up with one hand to stab her. It doesn't fit what we see everywhere else with him in this movie. Just the filmmakers saying "you know what, an homage to the first movie kitchen kill would be kind of cool here". He's even behind a tree at one point as Laurie gets out of her car at night, doesn't go after her. WTF? Same with Corey - a weeny most of the film until at the end he has the strength to overpower Michael, take his mask, and proceed to mow down anyone who's been pissing him off all of a sudden? C'mon. Laurie being stupid enough to pull the knife out of Corey's neck just as Allyson shows up - such a lazy "it's not what it looks like" plot device. Allyson ignoring all the signs Corey is a nut job in training, shifting from thinking Laurie killed Corey to running back to the house just in time to save her within one minute of screen time. Her phone says 'Laurie' when taking Jamie Lee's calls instead of 'Grandma' just seemed weird. She was the one in 2018 defending Laurie to her parents and seemed close to her in the previous two films, so that seemed really strange to me. You don't call your grandma by her first name and she didn't either up to Ends. Kills was weaker than 2018 and this one just went to all out sucking out loud. Ends should have focused on a big growing build to Michael vs. Laurie, instead we got a weakened Michael who was barely in the movie, Laurie's character shifting 180 degrees from ready for battle with Michael to 'ah, why worry, I'll buy a house back in town' even though he is still out there, and too much of the movie focused on a Twilight type romance between Allyson and Corey when that is all NOT what fans wanted. In the end, it felt like they had the idea of 1, maybe 1.5 movies but decided to stretch it to a trilogy. First was excellent, second had a few moments - particularly the firefighter demolition at the start, and it just went downhill from there. No one going in to see Halloween Ends wanted the Corey show with Michael a bit player in his own series. Halloween - the Twilight edition.
Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021)
Even better than expected
Nice continuation and homage to the original GB films. Story made sense (within the GB world, of course) and the respect the movie had for the original films and Harold Ramis was really evident. Fun cameos that didn't overstay their welcome. Great to hear the Ghostbuster mobile's siren again and hear the theme music. Took me back to the originals. Fun, well written, and well acted. Wasn't sure what to expect here after the remake but thankfully they don't in any way reference that here - thankfully - and it's all about going back to the beginning but in a good way. The ending was heartwarming and I recommend giving this one a look if you're a fan of the original and skeptical, you'll be rewarded if you give it a chance.
The Terrible Two (2018)
The second word in the movie title is right
Terrible alright. Already wasted my time watching the whole thing, so won't waste much more here as it's all time I'll never get back. VERY poor man's version of Sinister without the quality, script, acting. Almost zero blood either, but certainly plenty of plot holes that never get explained. Only one in the movie that was good was the Real Estate guy, he should have played the husband. Only positive I can see coming out of this movie is the lead husband and wife actors were paid for their time. I hope they use the money to take acting lessons. You want scary kid horror - go watch Sinister with Ethan Hawke.
Influencer (2022)
Pretty good until the ending
Liked the movie overall. It's not a horror, really, more of a thriller. Lead actress played her role very well. Some things were questionable here and there, like at the start somehow a big very fancy hotel in Thailand is totally deserted except for the blonde influencer and eventually one old British guy lol. Letting some of that go, the plot was interesting with the lead finding and stealing influencers belongings and money to finance her life. Feel let down a bit on the ending, though. It was like the movie needed another five minutes and small tweak or two at the end for a strong finish. CW goes back to the island to dump the boyfriends body, finds her last victim (the blonde influencer) not dead like others before. Ok, we've all seen enough movies to know she wasn't going to be dead, right? Still, why would CW trudge across the relatively small island (she managed to walk from one end to the other pretty fast) to look for her victim? All I kept thinking was the second you're away from the boat, she's going to take it and leave you there. Why would CW mark the graves of the others she's buried out there? It's a deserted island and you still buried people just in case they ever were discovered right? So, if anyone did happen to ever come across the island, the crosses were a big flag to dig here and find bodies. It invalidates her bothering to bury them in the first place. If no one seems to ever come to this island, they wouldn't even have needed burying and she should have just dumped the boyfriend's body in the brush just off the beach, hopped back into her boat, and left. So, the blonde knocks out CW during her search of the island and yup, leaves on the boat and leaves CW behind. First though she lifts the tarp on the boat to see her boyfriend there dead and her expression stays the same. No emotion change at all. ??? We can't even tell if the body is still on the boat when she leaves the beach on it because of the angle of the camera shot and then, the movie just ends with CW on the beach laughing like 'oh, you got me the same way I got you' and the blonde boating back to mainland. That's it? Why not tie up CW after knocking her out to ask WHY she did all this to her? How her boyfriend ended up there dead too? Why not show us a bit about how the blonde survived on this tiny island for a month when no one else did before her? Doesn't seem there are any animals on the island, no fresh water source, so how? Ending would have been stronger if she confronted CW, maybe hid / covered up anything that gave clues as to how she survived there that long so CW couldn't do the same, and then left with CW screaming at her from the beach as the blonde pulled away on the boat. That would have been a stronger ending.
The Resort (2021)
Good premise, poor execution
College kids go to an abandoned haunted resort in Hawaii -- a gift for their friend who does a Paranormal podcast, and they pay for her way while they tag along. Ok, premise is fine. Then, the movie happened. As horror fans, we forgive some things but when there's too much to forgive, it just takes you out of the movie and you start to get annoyed at all of that sort of thing instead of enjoying the ride. Three friends buy their other friend a ticket to Hawaii and all four are going to Hawaii to check out this resort. If anyone's ever priced out going to Hawaii on vacation, it's expensive -- so some pretty generous friends she has there. Maybe they're well off, so ok. All the talk is how the locals abandoned the resort because of the hauntings and disappearances that started there as soon as it opened and within two years of it opening, it closed, and no one will go anywhere near it or take you there under any circumstances -- in fact they openly will refuse to because of their fear of the happenings there. Only a few people live on the other side of this small island, otherwise the whole island is deserted now because of what happened. Ok.....so.....NEXT SCENE, friends 'surprise' their paranormal final girl friend with "we found a helicopter company in Hawaii that will take us to the island". Um, WHAT? Literally, the next scene. I laughed out loud at this. Gets better - chopper ride was a 'discount coupon' so it will only drop them off, not pick them up later. They can afford to fly to Hawaii and rent a Chopper but now need to cheap out with a one way coupon? Lol? Why? Well, because then the friends will have to walk to the other end of the island to pick up a boat that leaves daily for the mainland at 7pm. So, there's a few people only who live there and yet there's a boat that goes to the mainland DAILY at 7pm??? C'mon...the cost of that being legit would astronomical for a boat operator. At best supplies would be brought in and out maybe once a week. Anywho, the friends talk paranormal girl into a skinny dip in a waterfall on the way to the resort. I think they never learned what that means. Only one guy takes off all his clothes, none of the others do. Paranormal girl for some reason goes to the trouble to take off her top and pants saying "don't look!" to the others, yet she never takes all her clothes off and is clearly wearing a bikini under them, jumps into the water wearing the bikini, and then frolics with the Thor looking guy she told not to look as well as the others the whole time in the water in full view of them. Why even say "don't look" if you weren't actually stripping?? Never been in a bikini in front of others before at the beach? By a pool? It's this kind of dumb script stuff that gets annoying when the movie doesn't deliver. Just a scene for viewers to see two girls in bikinis, but it was like the script was holding up a 'standard girls in bikinis in a horror film' sign by being written so poorly. So, the island is deserted except for a few locals on the other side of it that will not go near the resort, the resort itself is fully fenced off, but for some unknown reason, years after it closed, there's still some power going to the resort for lighting at night and two security guards are there patrolling - for what? No one is on the island and locals won't go there! They're only there to up the body count, but makes no sense based on the information we're given. Besides, if they're locals they wouldn't go on the grounds at night anyway, right? If they're not locals, then that security company must lose guys nightly that they send there. We finally get to see evil half-face girl about an hour into all this, too hidden in darkness most of the time to be overly scary. She is able to exercise pretty broad control over what is on resort grounds to kill people, though. The living friends clearly see their former friends are dead and possessed yet try to talk to them normally as opposed to actually acting like someone really would seeing that. Ending entirely predictable and jarring as you feel the move just ends abruptly like a minute is missing or something. 2 stars for the way curly hair dude gets killed - blew most of the budget on that - rest, hard pass.
Unsheltered (2022)
You want to help the Killer
Group of relentlessly unlikeable characters take shelter in a large metal dome hanger in an airplane scrapyard to avoid an oncoming hurricane. Little do they know there's a killer afoot who lives there and is part of some group? That films his killing trespassers onto the property (or I guess failing that, they import victims somehow in other cases?). Lead guy looks like Ryan Gosling's almost twin brother......except with the acting range of a mannequin. Every character in the group is written as almost entirely unlikeable and their immediate responses to anyone else seems to mostly be immediate snark, insults, or overreaction yelling to nothing comments and questions. People who are supposed to be friends do not interact this way. Sort-of Ryan Gosling's girlfriend is the worst for this among the lot. So, script - 0. Acting - 0. Plot - 1. The idea in itself was fine for a horror movie set up but so many stupidities and things that don't make sense ruin it. They pile into a Jeep to escape an oncoming hurricane - though sort of Ryan Gosling's high level of intelligence leads him to do so with an almost empty tank of gas to start the trip with all stores boarded up and closed. Mensa member he isn't. They find opened cans of food and a box of cell phones in the hanger. 'Ah, it's nothing'. Um, means someone lives there and logically, abandoned scrapyard hanger with a BOX FULL of cell phones?.....as in , taken from someone. I highly doubt this place gets so much traffic that the 'Lost and Found' has a full box of cell phones. But, hey, let's ignore the giant Red Flag. Someone bangs and rattles on the hanger outside when it's otherwise dead silent. Sort of Ryan Gosling's comment - 'oh, it's nothing', and everyone drops it. Oh, c'mon! Vape friend is left alone and FILMS and apology to his friends on his phone for how he's been acting before they return. Because he couldn't just, y'know, apologize to them in person when they return, right? What was he going to do, play it for them while he stood there when they got back? Lol. Totally stupid plot device just used because he was killed right after and it was a way to have the friends 'see' what happened. Since it was 100% not what anyone would actually do, totally takes you out of the story. Same thing with twice in the movie the hanger door is open with the killer about five feet away behind one of them and it slams shut - the 'killer got them / gotcha' visual. Looks cool but the problem is they had to work hard to open the door both times and then it just randomly slams shut with no one actually closing it just for the 'cool visual'. Note to filmmaker - 'cool visual' still have to make some sense. At least Leatherface reaches over and slams the door shut, right? He didn't just stand there and it closed itself. The 'oncoming hurricane' LOL......it's been 12-24 hours (?), big rush to leave, and.....we never get more than some minor wind and light rain. THIS is what you guys were rushing away from in urgency??? Ok. Ending - totally goes off the rails in case you forgave all the stuff I just mentioned. The cop doing in intercut interview about the aftermath / 'search for killer' goes to a bar and talks to a lady I think(?) he's related to, some implication of having to cover things up and a larger organization sanctioning the hanger killing, none of it well explained at all. For a totally unexplained reason, we learn from the woman that the last surviving girl is still alive. WHERE? WHY? Makes NO sense. Killer is even there in the same bar and cop grows his conscience and shoots him to stop him -- though wouldn't this organization just hire another big dude?. Anyway, point for the creative use of popcorn here (watch if you must). The whole organization thing and cop knowing what happened but having to cover it up takes the movie in a different direction. Interesting attempt at a twist, except it was confusing and not well explained. Either that or by this point, I was so mad at watching this whole movie that I just wanted it over. Sequel hint at the end......oh, joy.
Babysitter Massacre (2013)
Poor attempt at an 80s low budget horror film
Just....wow. Grew up in the 80s, watched a LOT of poor quality horror films in my day from bad acting to terrible scripts to massive lack of logic from characters to lack of coherent stories, etc. This film tried to be I guess a nod to those 80s low budget / low end horror movies, so maybe in that respect it achieves what it was going for. I think what it achieved mostly was being even worse that most if not all of those 80s films. Even films like Slumber Part Massacre and The Mutilator from the 80s felt more real than this. So many scenes feel self-contained, shot and spliced into order later but feel like they were instead of you feeling any real actual movie continuity to things. Cut to random girl getting taken and killed. Cut to guy someone inside someone's bedroom right after in a locked house and random girl getting killed, etc etc. Fast guy with very good knowledge of where all these random girls would be that one day. It's like these scenes are tossed into the rest of the movie but aren't part of it almost. Horrific dialogue from basically everyone (maybe two clever lines the whole script) and truly some of the absolute worst acting I've every seen on screen. The 'party' is three girls sitting on couches, one bottle of wine.....no snacks, no music, stretches of silence as they sit there or the blonde one acts like an ass to the others.....great party. The blonde is relentlessly nasty and it's impossible to see how the others would want to be around her for five minutes, let alone her being a friend for any reason. Then they get kidnapped and the Killer tells them they have to kill one of them and he'll let the other two go.....no way that is logical at all, but it takes the blond less than a minute to start whacking the tied up one with a hammer lol. Seriously took seconds to decide to do it lol. There's THREE of you, untie the one and then jump the killer when he comes back. Nah, let's just kill the one friend right away and hope for the best LOL. Ending is even better. The 'main girl' is unable to crawl out of the house with gasoline poured everywhere. Killer is incapacitated behind her. Another friend (worst actress in a sea of horrible acting and boy is that saying something) comes in, decides to not even try to pull her 'friend' away from the gas and killer trying to light the gas as he struggles to use his lighter. Just leaves and runs outside to watch the house burn after he finally gets it lit. LOL. Had plenty of time to drag her out....just doesn't lol. Then it just.....ends. Thud. Blood? Yes. Killer? Good until the unmasking. Gratuitous nudity? For sure. Worth any of it? No. It's cute how many friends of the actors and crew gave this a good score (had to be). Have spent five minutes typing this review, that's more than you should waste trying to watch this movie, but hey, you do you.
Cleavers: Killer Clowns (2019)
Stop letting family members review films.
Ok, is it the worst thing ever? No, it's actually not badly written most of the time. Is it a 9 or 10 like some reviews are saying? Absolutely not. Some graphic stuff is good and to be fair for the obvious low budget, they accomplish a lot. Haven't seen the previous Cleaver movie, so judging this one on it's own merits. The daughter joining in on the 'cleaving' (is that a word?) was a nice touch. Plot holes? Yep. My biggest drawback is how terrible a lot of the acting was almost all the time. The sheriff (deputy at the start) pursuing Cleaver for five years -- her lines were ok, but how many times are you going to stand really close to a killer with a weapon and either trip and fall over, drop your weapon, look away when he's two feet from you, or flat out have the killer just get the drop on you? Seriously, at one point she literally has a gun pointed at Cleaver's head and he has the time to swing his cleaver at her in a wide arc and knock her back before she can just PULL THE TRIGGER?? C'mon. She also comes across a girl that can magically track Cleaver because he took her sister years ago. That's it? So everyone who's lost a loved one to a killer can just magically track that killer, huh? Not to mention she acts like a grizzled bounty hunter better at tracking than the seasoned Sheriff when she looks 25 at most and should be at the mall hanging out with her besties. Just a jarring disconnect between her look and her words/actions we get from her. That and she already knows where Cleaver is, and doesn't bother to tell the local Sheriff but waits to tell the visiting Sherrif about it instead, because??? Another girl gets a two inch diameter pipe rammed through her leg, then stands up later and is able to use it to hit a home run with Cleaver's head when there is zero chance she could put that kind of weight into the swing on one leg and with what should be a giant hole in the other leg. There were some decent ideas and elements in this movie, but some odd plot points and wonky acting really overshadowed them. Maybe the original was better? Left it wide open for a third film, so I expect that will grace the streaming world at some point in the future.
Behind the Sightings (2021)
Wasn't long before I was rooting for the clowns
Started ok. The footage in the first five minutes before the couple took over was better than everything after, unfortunately. Couple was ok for the first five or ten minutes when they took over, then it kept sliding downward. Constantly repeating the same basics about their clown agenda into their camera, got very repetitive. Kept thinking to myself throughout the movie, they have a nice house, but doesn't either of them work? They have all this time to drive around looking for clowns. One of their mothers even gave them money to buy a second camera. How do they afford where they live lol? Anyway, they drive out to interview a girl who saw clowns who AGREED to be interviewed.....then she ends the interview in under a minute after agreeing to the interview lol. I get they were trying to show 'fear' in an interviewee but really, then WHY AGREE TO THE INTERVIEW at all, right? Same with the 'evil clown expert' they interview -- he's a historian and expert who's studied evil clowns for YEARS, agrees to the interview -- then he ends the interview within two minutes because he's being asked questions about clowns and it freaks him out? LOL...WHAT??? You AGREED to be interviewed and this is your area of expertise!.....this comes across like stupid screen filler. Then the couple drive to the middle of nowhere at night to 'film and/or interview' clowns based on a tip. Ok, first one's just juggling glow sticks in the road so they guy approaches with his camera. Fair. Second one walks across the road into the brush holding a BASEBALL BAT, so guy with camera does what all horror movie idiots do - follows him. Um, BASEBALL BAT, dude. Gets cross checked by the bat and the clown holds him down on the ground and chokes him. Husband manages to escape and the couple drive onto the main road as another clown pulls a machete out from behind his back that they see as they drive off. So, what would a normal person think? Bad enough you drive into the middle of nowhere to see 'evil clowns' in a random deserted stretch of road and think 'sure, that'll be ok', but after all that, a normal person would say 'hey, they're dangerous', right? Weeellll.....guy at least thinks so and installs cameras around their house since he lost his wallet tangling with the one clown. His wife - beyond any logic - says he's probably going too far and they weren't dangerous (???? WFT????). Your husband was assaulted by one and another one had a big cleaver. Later, they get into a big argument about the husband's choice of a new location to search because the wife keeps beating on 'they have no proof' even though people have claimed to see clowns there, but "there's no pictures". So then they get a bunch of emails saying the same thing (we saw clowns there) and now she's gung ho to go film because of....what? There's STILL NO PROOF, same information the husband already had but now it's ok?. A few of the emails mention having a picture as proof, but they didn't see any before driving out there.....and after 27 emails, even without a picture, wouldn't that be enough to go out and check it out? Lol......just felt like a non-sensical manufactured tension / argument point to extend the movie run time and nothing else. By the end, the couple go out into a different creepy wooded area to 'interview' a clown that agreed to be interviewed.....in the middle of the night.....because, sure, that's totally safe. Of course it's not, and frankly by that point I was rooting for the clowns because people who make choices that stupid repeatedly earned what they get. Two stars for the first five minutes and the clowns in general - always have a creep factor if presented right. No stars for unlikeable characters that keep making illogical choices.
The Final Ride (2019)
Pretty terrible
Three story arc film, that's cool. The thread story of the rideshare girl is ok, pretty much why this gets three stars. First story - sure, funny spoof-ish horror on an 80s workout psycho but after the initial look at him, it stops being amusing and the acting by the psycho and the boyfriend are so terrible, it got unwatchable pretty fast. Second story had at least an interesting premise that mostly falls flat by the end without any impact unless you want to accept that the four horsemen of the apocalypse are conquering the world one person at a time by tattooing them lol. In the end, not worth the run time unless you are all levels of bored.
Redwood Massacre: Annihilation (2020)
Not understanding these high rated reviews
So, I guess the high ratings is just because people like Danielle Harris? Me too, in Hatchet and the Halloweens. In this, not so much. Really the script was the issue. The burlap killer looks fantastic. Has a horror franchise look to him. I never saw the original Redwood movie, but we learn the 'team' in this one is haunted by the death of Harris' sister and the others killed so the father and a team of others have been looking for the killer and answers since. Ok, that's fine. Then, thud. For the life of me, can't understand how Harris's character is the 'leader' of the team hunting this killer. She's five feet tall and her only 'qualifications' we see is she does some boxing at the local gym and acts like she's tough. That's all you need, huh? Yet, everyone defers to her like she's the second coming of the Terminator, including her own father, and including some sort of combat vet with a giant bag of weapons who's easily twice her age. WTF? There's suspension of belief required in horror films, but this one was way over the line. Just makes the rest of the movie not work and neither does the fact that all the characters just don't act the way someone normal would based on the situation or what happens just before, whether that's something a person said or an event happens. The team drags along creepy superfan type guy who likes the dads book on the murders and pretty much spends the whole movie holding up a sign that says 'sketchy bad guy who will do something bad really soon'. They decide to investigate a military compound because it's 'one place they didn't search yet' because the dad was caught trespassing there in the past and got 10 days in jail. This is important, because they come up to the fence and the compound and he says something like 'I don't know exactly where it is, don't remember it looking like this, etc.'. Yet, that's the compound. YOU WERE THERE BEFORE AND GOT ARRESTED THERE! Seriously? Who wrote those lines? Lol. Anyway, do they send giant guy with a bajillion guns down into the underground compound to search it and maybe run into the killer who massacred bunches of people? No, five foot tall Harris and a flashlight, BY HERSELF, goes down because she said she was going down alone in a tough voice and ordered the others to stay up. LOL. Wow. Won't ruin the ending but will just say it veers into campy silliness that actually manages to top the poor script writing up to that point. Really too bad the characters were entirely unbelievable and the script was so poor, because the burlap killer really is the best looking potential horror villain I've seen in a long time. Two stars for burlap.
Lake Alice (2017)
Don't let the trailer fool you
I did and I paid the price. A formulaic scary movie that hits on basic tropes like a secluded location, people in danger from a killer, so on....all well and good if done competently. That's sort of the key point. Lake Alice really felt more like a film student's first attempt. So many things that hurt the movie from editing to character stupidity to script. Location was great, that's the star. Weird cuts to a next scene with no fade or those little movie tricks to show 'time passing' like an overhead sunrise before we cut to something happening in the morning....just middle of the night with two characters talking, 'boom', it's morning and something else or vice versa. Either that or the cut to next scene is so fast it's distracting. This kind of thing happened a number of times in the move and it got jarring and took you out of the film for a second. Bad guy kills the dad outside with an ax, dad and his rifle fall to the ground. Everyone runs inside and decides they need to 'run for it' in the middle of freezing cold winter late at night when they are all many miles from any sort of help. What's to stop the killer from picking up the rifle and picking everyone off the second the run out the door? Nothing, but they do it anyway. At least they could have all run to the truck and drove off. Nope, only the mom heads to it and the other two run off into the woods for some reason LOL. A main question I can't escape is why did this family want to come to Lake Alice so bad apart from 'we do it every year'?. It's made really clear a lot of people in town don't like them, yet hey, let's go there for Christmas. They get pulled over and hassled by the local sheriff driving in and the dad tensely just says 'we do this every year' to the sheriff. SO WHY KEEP GOING BACK? We never get any reason the sheriff has it out for them. Local kid and local deputy both apparently are so obsessed with the daughter they act stalker-y from the start about it. Her character isn't developed past standard cliche quotes to see what they're so into. Some talk about what a 'firecracker' she used to be - polite slang for 'loose' or maybe 'flirty'? Boyfriend's video camera is left taped to an ATV after a ride, so the killer later takes it and we see it recording over the course of the terrorizing of the survivors in 'bad guy point of view'. Battery life jumps inconsistently from low to medium instead of steadily draining lol. Also, the boyfriend has been dating the daughter for a year and the parents have apparently never met him once but he comes with them on this family vacation and is staying with the daughter in the same room the whole time. Pretty liberal, but ok. Then he proposes to her day after they arrive and they spring it on the parents. Logically, that's not realistic at all. You never even met the parents, then next day you pop the question to the daughter while meeting them the very first time? When it's clear the dad's not especially fond of you? C'mon. The engagement was shoehorned in just to be a last trigger that got the killers going but that doesn't make it logical. The killers themselves looked good, a few of the kills were ok, though shown offscreen mostly, and you could see money was spent on the production and effects makeup. Needed to spend more on the script.
Pitchfork (2016)
80s slasher attempt that fails on pretty all levels
Currently ranked 3.6 out of 10 on IMDB. Generous. Trailer looked really promising, then the movie happened. 100% an 80s slasher nod, which would be fine if it actually was good. Cardboard characters really really badly written. Forgivable if the kills were good and they're not -- all offscreen. Too bad, as the visuals after were actually good if not accurate lol. Too many dumb things in the script to give this thing a pass. Guy and his pregnant fiancee being chased by the killer......guy has a switchblade and his master plan is to send her off in a different direction alone so he can get the killer. Huh? So, if they guy runs after her and kills her then what? Lol. He gets pitchforked in the back based on the camera shot we see....but blood starts flowing off the top of his head instead for some reason. Another time, girl gets gutted in a cornfield. Killer later props her body up against a shack -- blood on her head, abdomen totally clean with no puncture marks or blood where she was gutted (she had a midriff on) lol. Killer is chasing three of the cardboards and they hop into a small dug out hole in a barn. By small I seriously mean it's like four feet deep max and wide open right by where you walk by it once you're in the barn. They 'duck down' LOL and the killer misses seeing them. Wow, that was hilarious. Stupidest line award - two of the cardboards are a couple. Guys a jerk and sleeps with another of the group that night during the barn dance. GF finds out and is understandably pissed at the BF and the 'friend' who he cheated with. Later, while being chased by the killer, the GF starts to run off and leave the cheater girl behind, who yells "are you serious? You're going to betray our friendship like that?". LOL.....um, you were just sleeping with her BF a few hours ago. Laughable stuff. Killer had potential, though should have been more muscular to look imposing even though the pitchfork hand was a cool thing, not that we ever actually got to visually see him use it, which leaves the viewer feeling cheated. It's too bad in some ways, you could see the production had the money to do some good stuff -- just....didn't. Oh, well. Want a good farmhouse horror that was gritty and good? Check out "Butchers". Surprisingly only has a 4.6 on IMDB but wow, was it miles better than this one in terms of acting, grittiness, and gore.
Dos (2021)
Lack of logic overpowers the premise
Others have said it. Premise had some interesting potential. Freaky idea, wake up and you're sewn to another person, no idea what or how it happened. Ok. The reviews out here point out some key points - how were they drugged? How were they transported to some remote snow region? How did the father find them? Why wait until they are in their mid-30s to do what he did? Etc. Where the movie 100% lost me even if I wanted to forgive some of the other stuff I just mentioned is they cut themselves loose after shooting the guy that did it and he's dying on the floor. Women decides "hey, I'll just walk out in the freezing cold and snow naked for help" for what clearly would have been a very long time. Zero chance of surviving. No one decided to try the phone the guy had beside the cameras he had watching them? Bet that one worked. That aside, anyone with 0.00000001% of a brain in this situation would have used a towel or something to bandage the wound on their side from the cutting, then taken the dying guy's clothes and put them on before heading out into the snow for help so they wouldn't freeze to death in minutes. Implausible stupidity because the script wanted to hammer home the 'ying / yang / 2' concept to the viewer with the subtlety of a sledgehammer one last time. Problem is it takes the viewer completely out of the movie when relatively smart characters do something so ridiculously and obviously stupid.
Spiral: From the Book of Saw (2021)
Pretty Decent Side Spin on the Saw series
Pretty good overall. Chris Rock took a bit to grow on me since I just kept picturing 'stand up Chris Rock' but he handled his cynical cop role well. Figured out who the 'bad guy' was before it was revealed but still was handled well and explained logically enough. My main issue was the last third of the movie in particular. Sound was terrible at times. Hard to hear what was being said, conversations weren't recorded well -- either too quiet for the underlying background music or just sounding 'echo-y' or a bit too far away based on the mic set up. Took away from the moment a number of times. Otherwise, paid respect to the Saw movies, nice nod to the original when Banks picked up the saw and looked at it while cuffed to the pipe. Still miss Tobin Bell's voiceovers on the tape recordings, though. That said, worth a watch if you like the Saw series overall.
No One Gets Out Alive (2021)
Title is right - but it includes the viewer
Here's Netflix's version of green lighting a script: "I have an idea....." Netflix: "Sold". Apparently there's a book and I'm betting it's better. Sort of how Stephen King's movies often lose a bit on screen because you lose the strong imagery and description of things he draws up. Anyway, No One - good visual look, dark, dank, isolating feel. Starts off ok. The ghosts just behind you thing gets old after the third time since they generally do little to nothing apart from stand there. One star for the creature at the end, which looks like Beth in the Rick & Morty episode who's a manifestation of how Jerry sees her (fans will know what I mean). Lead actress was good. Script just went nowhere. Kept waiting for a payoff and more than a movie with 85-90% implied tension with nothing actually happening. By the end, you'll feel you wasted your time. There's higher scores out there, maybe from those with fond memories of the book, but another miss by the Netflix 'green light everything' machine.
Zack Snyder's Justice League (2021)
Not Perfect, but a Big Improvement
Big improvement over the theatrical release. Characters get back story, things make more sense and flow better. The CGI overall is better - still not always as 'real' looking as the Marvel movies, but much better than before. It's amazing to watch this and see how much was chopped that was important to the story and also you can see what Wheadon added (terrible CGI re-dos, the Cavill-stache problem, and the totally unnecessary Russian family sub-plot). Really, the key issue here isn't the movie, it's the studio's rush to squish everything into one movie for the quick buck when patience would have broke the bank much more. To parallel with the Marvel movies, Snyder Cut is like the original Avengers movie, where they beat back the bad guys Loko has let into Earth's realm (Steppenwolf-ish / tough bad guy but not the biggest bad guy)....and we get hints of a bigger villain looming (which of course eventually takes us to Thanos and the awesome Endgame). Here, Justice League is the first Avengers team-up movie, with the hint of Darkseid coming that could lead to a bigger movie to come (but based on how Ray Parker and Affleck feel about the DCU these days, not so sure). Justice League is long and it still in a funny way feels short -- in that each character should have gotten their own movie(s) first, build up their characters, and then get the big team-up Justice League move....and then more build to the giant movie battle with Darkseid later. The studio cut corners to cash in faster and it hurt the process, which is too bad. That aside, the Snyder Cut is good, all the good guys look better, you understand their stories more before they join up, and love the black suit on Cavill. Plus, no terrible 'mustache removal CGI' to distract you. Nice touch with Martian Manhunter popping up to signal the next member of the Justice League as well. Worth the extra run time to see what Snyder's vision was, and erase the choppy, poor CGI-laden theatrical release from your mind.
Dark Light (2019)
How do you apply to Netflix for refunds?
If you like plot holes, logic gaps, terrible dialogue, and poor acting, by all means watch this. Ok, to not be all negative here, the kid was ok, the mother had some flashes of decent acting (along with some not so much), and the creatures were creepy enough. With the right script, some building blocks were there. Unfortunately, the bad was......everything else and it was very bad lol. So, mom and daughter move back to her childhood home after a divorce. Immediately weird stuff starts to happen that turns out to be these indigenous creatures forced to go hidden / subterranean after humans came along. The creatures feed on the 'energy' of people but really prefer kids because they have the most 'pure' energy. Ok. Rest is the usual 'no one believes the mom' about weird things happening to her daughter, she gets blamed for daughter's disappearing acts and bloody noses (caused by the creatures 'feeding'), etc.
So, what's the problem? Ok, here we go:
1. Script is poor, dialogue weak and cookie cutter from every B level horror movie ever with similar characters
2. The person playing the sheriff is so hilariously miscast it's not funny ; dialogue for a grizzled veteran cop said by a mid-20s cheerleader type in baggy cop browns. It's distracting in how mismatched the dialogue is to her every time she's on the screen.
3. Mom lived in this house as a kid, yet never had a single thing happen to her or they would have said so. So, how did these creatures build these giant subterranean caves under the house? and why does the lift in the house have an actual trapdoor on the floor that opens to the caves? The creatures didn't look the carpenter type.
4. Daughter disappears the first time her and mom are playing in the corn field and ends up standing on the roof all of a sudden. Why? No one says why the creatures would take her, return her, and pop her up on the roof lol. Just done to show the camera panning up to (gasp) see a kid near a roof ledge. Fine if it fit the story, but it doesn't.
5. The mom finds some conspiracy theorist guy on the internet discuss all the phenomenon happening to her and the daughter....and, good news!....he just happens to live really close by to where they live as opposed to anywhere else in the world. Wow, what a break!
6. How does the guy have the slightest clue these are indigenous creatives and that they 'feed on people's energy'? All the pictures of missing kids taken by them he's got on his walls implies MISSING, as in, never found, so can't exactly do an autopsy on someone not found. So, how does he know any of this at all?
7. The creatures have remained hidden for hundreds of years but their eyes are giant bright headlights and they seem to only come out in the dark. Masters of disguise, these guys.
8. The creatures are real and solid, not ghosts, so how do they make doors open randomly around the house without being seen? Script said so, I guess?
9. The creatures take the daughter multiple times but for no apparent reason, return her to be found twice with only the 'energy feed' nosebleed. If they need her to feed, then why return her twice?
10. Any parent not going to question why their kid is suddenly getting really big nosebleeds and popping up on a rooftop or far from the house in a car's path? "How'd you get that" "I don't know", "How'd you get up there?" "I don't know". Then the mom drops it and goes on with her day. WTF?
11. The creatures act very inconsistently to serve the script instead of just grabbing and feeding. The daughter is returned twice - not a scratch on her apart from the nosebleed from energy feeding. They also never touch the mom until near the end of the film despite having many chances since she's in the same house as the daughter. But out of nowhere the conspiracy guy who knows who they are magically comes to the house and is IMMEDIATELY attacked with their clawed hands so we get some gore shots before they suck his energy in one shot and he dies. The dad gets attacked and just.....left by himself by the creatures in their underground tunnels for no reason. Why didn't they feed on him right away then, too? Because the script wanted him alive so they could bite his neck later and show more gore even if it went against their need to feed activities. Sheriff gets the gore claw treatment too before they kill her with the energy feed as soon as she enters the house at night. Never gets explained why mom and kid are ok to be in the house for days? weeks? and others get immediately attacked, others are grabbed and then they don't feed on them, etc.
12. The inmate bus crash was the laziest, least impactful looking crash I've every seen. Laughed out loud at how slowly it tipped down the embankment and still managed to kill everyone (except the mom of course). Shouldn't the two up in the front cab at least had seatbelts on that would have kept them alive? lol.
13. Mom shoots the dad by mistake when he comes up behind her while she's looking for her daughter and the creatures. He took a shotgun blast to the upper chest / shoulder area. Later he comes back to the house within a few days (at most), ZERO indication of the injury - no bandages, not even a grimace or grab of the shoulder area as he moves around the house. I kind of think he'd be in a lot of shoulder area pain after a point blank shotgun blast.
Probably the scariest part of the movie was the ending implying the creatures weren't dead....leaving room for a sequel. If they get a good writer, then we'll see one of those rare cases where a sequel is better than the original lol.
Await Further Instructions (2018)
Decent on tension, but leaves unanswered questions
Good at creating tension based on the premise of being trapped in your own home but some unknown 'covering' around the whole house. Probably would have helped to have more likeable characters in jeopardy. Most of them, you're hoping they get theirs and quickly. In the end, other reviews covered the basics -- turns out to be what they call a 'parasite' that has taken over the whole town (maybe even beyond that?...sort of War of the Worlds-ish?). That's well and good but it's basically some sort of living electrical cables with 'eyes (cameras)' in each tentacle. Creep factor was ok, but when you take a minute to think about it, the 'parasite' doesn't behave like how one might think a parasite would -- they want to feed on the host and suck it dry for nutrients in general, right? So, why does this one kill everyone? Maybe it can still feed on dead as easily? Don't know. Where does a parasite get the understanding to take over the TVs and put up messages that specifically are understood by humans (about quarantine, radiation symbols, infections, etc.). How do cables put seven syringes filled with (?) into a zip lock bag and drop it down the chimney? Why bother inciting people to not eat or be paranoid of members within the group? How can cables make a dead person speak perfect English in their own voice? For that matter, how did it get into the small TV that wasn't even plugged in and stuck in a closet? The big TV was plugged in, so that at least made some sense. In the end, some elements of it seemed more like a man-made experiment kind of thing though at the end, we're left with more of an 'alien / end of the world' feel to the parasite. Feels like the writers couldn't decide which way to go with it's origin so said 'screw it' we'll toss in bits and pieces that cover both bases and leave it at that and just do 'style over substance' when both together would have made it a stronger movie.
A Little Late with Lilly Singh (2019)
Why can't we use negative numbers?
Unfunny with terrible attempts at 'comedy' that would make anyone cringe. Her um humor makes dad jokes seem cutting edge. Wooden delivery with no comic timing at all. Bad interviewer that talks over her guests and turns conversations back to being about her often. Also, you get to hear every two minutes that she's a brown bi woman of color who's faced so many struggles because of this. The struggles apparently include her being handed a network TV show and being a well off former You Tube star that has a net worth over $15 Mil. dollars. Poor Lily.....she's "struggled" so much. Just beyond me how this show hasn't been cancelled yet.
Star Trek: Picard (2020)
Gave up after 5 episodes
Struggled through five episodes out of nostalgia for ST: TNG and the TNG movies before giving up. This isn't Star Trek. This isn't Jean-Luc Picard, either.
Almost every character here treats Picard the way the Simpsons treat Grandpa Simpson -- like a senile, doddering old fool who should only sit in the corner and not say anything unless he wants to be talked down to.
I watched a few old TNG episodes last week by chance, then watched this mess again. Wow, the difference. The Jean-Luc Picard we all know from TNG had dignity, strength of character, and commanded respect. In TNG, he stood up to Romulans, Klingons, survived Cardasian torture with strength of will, stuck it to the Shelliac when he found a loophole in the contract they had with the Federation to save the day, etc.
ST: Picard's 'Picard' is not that guy. Here he only seems to be there to be talked down to and disrespected by everyone around him except for the Elf warrior that follows him around -- whose sword skills are somehow vital for his protection in a world where the primary weapons are phasers fired at a distance at you.
Character wise, Picard is only Picard in name. Jean-Luc Picard naming his dog 'Number 1'? Cheap writer gag that got some 'ha ha' from someone in the writing room, but there's no way Jean-Luc Picard would ever do that -- he'd consider it tasteless. Raffi calling him 'JL' all the time? The old Picard would have corrected that in a hurry on the deck of the Enterprise.
The only positives are the small references to and cameos with the old TNG cast (not surprisingly). This show is all plot holes, logic gaps, unlikeable characters, revisionist history to ST canon, and Romulans that look like regular humans who went to the dollar store to buy pointy ears. The one on the Borg cube in particular looks like a cosplay actor with a bad wig.
The toss in swearing here and there is a really out of place and a cringy way for the show to pretend it's 'edgy' but it just comes across as feeling out of place and uncomfortable.
In the end, this show has nothing to do with actual Star Trek. They've even had Picard say he doesn't much like science fiction or understand technology lol.....the former Captain of the Enterprise, whose starship flew all over the galaxy and used his ship's resources himself without a problem many times. These lines actually got green lit to put on screen.
Season 3 of The Orville is coming back soon. Looking forward to it. Yes, it's a bit more humor laden and a touch cheesier at times, but it's easily a hundred times more Star Trek than this.
The Basement (2018)
10 minutes of value out of 90 and a lazy plot hole
Good start......dragged in the middle....and then the last five minutes probably saved the movie a bit. Neat little twist at the end with Barton being in on the events and setting up her 'innocence' by calling cops and acting concerned, making it a revenge film as opposed to just some random serial killer picking someone off the street. Biggest issues though - the killer in one of his personas gives the captive a file to 'escape jail' while he's thinking he's in prison. I supposed you can argue he's nuts so he just immersed himself in that persona and then the others didn't register he gave the guy a way to cut his ropes. Maybe. A pretty big stretch but maybe. What I won't let pass though is the guy manages to cut his ropes and instead of grabbing his cell phone that's in the basement with him to call 911 so they can track his location, he just tries to run upstairs to get away and gets caught all over again. Idiot. My first thought is 'he's loose, he can call his wife'....which of course, wouldn't have helped as we later know she's in on things....BUT he could have called 911 and left the phone there, then try to escape. Either he gets caught again and the cops can still GPS his location or he gets away and the cops still know where the killer is because he leaves his phone on in the basement of the killer's house. Nope....guy ignores the phone entirely, goes upstairs and just promptly gets re-captured. Wouldn't have even been too hard to fix this plot hole, but the script doesn't do it.