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Reviews
Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank (2007)
Delivers what it promises
How can I describe this movie? To start with, it doesn't just deliver blood-suckers, but flesh-eaters. The whole film is shot with a "Your daughter's fifth-grade play" camera, and the sound is at times in-audible.
I can't tell you if you should see this movie or not, until you answer this question: Do you like to see young women feasting on man-flesh? If so, you will enjoy this movie for all it's corniness. Despite my expectations, a lot of the acting shows genuine enthusiasm, effort and energy. Sure, it may have the production values of a failed porno movie, but this film has value within its perverse little niche. There are some inexplicably memorable and compelling performances in this film. Sure, you may root for the cannibals, but that's no flaw within this particular film's schema.
This movie reinforces something: when it comes to scary vampires/cannibals, it's all in the body language and the eyes. There's something about those deep, black eyes that terrifies me in a way no movie this cheap should. o_o On the other hand, there are some wanna-be nefarious characters that didn't quite live up to their potential. I have to penalize this film for not giving us the most charismatic cannibal we could have had. :(
Religulous (2008)
Vapid and unfocused
I would certainly enjoy a critical, comparative outlook on world religions that really explores the issue at hand and forms an in-depth assault on dangerous fundamentalists. I have yet to see that film. "Religulous" touches upon some interesting issues, but passes over most of them without engaging the most serious implications. To take an example, Maher brings in a scientist to let us know that a certain part of the human brain becomes active when somebody is "speaking in tongues." We do not hear whether this part of the brain is connected with schizophrenia or whether it's connected with theatrical performance, or whether it's used for no other apparent purpose. It just name-drops the scientist and hurries the show along without delving deeper. This superficial treatment might be permissable if it was genuinely entertaining (Likewise, with the man who claims to be Christ, antichrist, and John the Baptist in one, a few weak banana jokes were all the film delivers), or if it covered any breadth of world religions. As it is, the film bases it's unilateral statements on religions of the world based only on a handful of Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Islam, Christianity, and the Church of Mormon), ignoring all new age faiths, open polytheisms, and faiths such as Hinduism and Buddhism. The narrative jumps around, the film is too dodgey for a documentary and not amusing enough for comedy, and Bill Maher is obnoxious and condescending enough to make somebody become a born-again Christian out of spite.
Monsters vs. Aliens (2009)
Gripping action and clever allusions
Monsters vs. Aliens works.
It's humor isn't top notch, but the movie is. Any of its flaws tend to gently fade into the background, and if you don't enjoy what's happening on screen, something more entertaining will be around in seconds.
This film is full of delightful B-movie references and some of the most satisfying role reversals and inversions of classic tropes I've ever seen.
The action scenes are fast-paced, coherent, and character driven, and well worth watching in IMAX 3D.
Susan/Ginormica may well be the best female action hero to come out of Hollywood in 30 years. She manages to be stay sympathetic and believable in a way the obnoxious Mary Sue powerhouses failed to be.
For most people, this will be an enjoyable action film. For hardcore fans of B scifi and schlock horror esoterica, it will be a deeply rewarding experience. The ending may seem trite, until you stand back and think about how this film's romantic subplot sets it apart from not just most action movies with a female protagonist, but a good bulk of contemporary cinematic history.
I would have given this ten stars if she had eaten Derek in the last scene.
Wanted (2008)
If your life is lame, kill people! =D
The moral of this movie is as follows: You should become a quasi-Neitzchean superman who doesn't take lip from anyone! The way to do this is to go into your dad's business and do whatever the magic rug tells you to.
This movie could have tried to be a mindless action film about amoral bastards, which it is, but it has denial issues. It tries to make bold, philosophical statements, undermined by its own ridiculousness. It just doesn't use enough explanations to cover the sheer amount of impossible stuff going on, and can't be taken seriously. At the same time, it moans, pleas, and begs for the viewer to be awed by its non-existent depth.
The protagonists are unlikable bastards. The action is bogged down by slow-motion shots of bullets, computer keys, teeth, etc. that are cute in the first five minutes and then get irritating. The film tries to pass off cheap wish fulfillment as courage and realizing true destiny.
No matter how collateral damage you wantonly inflict, and how many people you kill, you can't be an action hero if you take orders from a loom.
Coraline (2009)
Brilliant aesthetics and low-octane nightmare fuel
Some viewers found the pacing of this film slow. I disagree. While little outright action or drama occurs in the first half of the film, it is loaded with foreshadowing, setups, and I was riveted by the beautiful worldscape, quirky and amusing secondary characters, and dazzling musical score. For much of the film, I wanted to crawl down the blue tunnel to the Other World. I drooled and licked my lips when the breakfast was frying, and I could almost smell the luminous moving flowers. Then I tried to cover my oh-so-vulnerable eyeballs.
Mark my words, this is not a fantasy adventure film. It's aimed at kids. It has tolerable amounts of whimsy in it.
Its genre is Surreal Horror.
It's not a spooky comedy, like "Monster House." It's not a musical with vaguely creepy trappings, like "The Nightmare Before Christmas." It is a HORROR film. Personally, I found this film had nightmare fuel, cut with whimsy to reduce its carbon emissions. There is nightmare fuel, but just enough for a quick trip to the nightmare convenience store for a gallon of nightmare milk. Most viewers, however, have milder tastes, and find that it is quite nightmarish enough.
Yes, it's a horror film. That doesn't mean its not for kids.
Kids, if you like to be scared, go. If you enjoy films that take their time, that plot and hint in the darkness while the weave a web of enchantment around you, see it. Just be warned that this feature may be too scary for adults. If you have doubts, leave your parents at home.
This movie has a message about a appreciating the parents you've got. The more introspective parents may notice that it also carries a stern lesson for adults. Listen to your kids and pay attention, or they'll find somebody ELSE who takes an interest, and that person might not be friendly. Don't lie to your children; it's wicked, it teaches them to mistrust you, and they'll find the truth eventually. Don't think that the words "I love you" are a cover-all excuse for your mistakes and manipulations.
Coraline is where the Beautiful meets the Sublime. It's too scary for kids under seven or over thirty.
C.H.U.D. (1984)
Cheap but not cheesy
When I rented this movie, I was expecting cheesy, eighties movie schlock. I was both pleasantly surprised and a bit alarmed to find I was wrong.
The movie is low-budget, yes, but it's not your average monster flick. There are no conventionally attractive 20-somethings pretending to be teenagers necking in a graveyard. The casting appears to have involved choosing people for talent rather than good looks. The actors look like random real new yorkers. CHUD is coarse and authentic without being gritty or monotonous. It imbues fear not as much from the occasional scares and gore (which are few and far between), but from a sustained sense of dread, of un-safeness, and dramatic irony. It manages to achieve all of this with very little of the blatant character stupidity which seems to be a hallmark of bad horror movies (I still don't know why the woman had to explore the hatch in her basement or why she switched off the lights, but those are the exceptions and not the rule). Motivation and common sense are strong throughout. The characters are believable and mostly likable. The CHUDs are awesome. Iconic, creepy, inhuman enough to be alien while still anthropic enough to tickle the uncanny valley, with their clawed hands and glowing eyes, fast-moving, scrabbling, loaded with a sense of manic desperation and cumbrous menace. From a monster perspective, I could have used a bit more explanation as to CHUDness (behavioral habits, how they differ physically from humans, etc.) and the autopsy scene barely gives a glimpse of the corpse, but the critters are creepy enough to keep me up late and original enough to hold a place in my mind.
L'uomo puma (1980)
Shallow end of the superhero bell curve
We're all familiar with this old chestnut. Somebody finds a magic amulet, or discovers that they are descended from aliens or gods, or has an accident involving radioactive material, and they become transformed. They are granted fantastic powers and transformed into a super-human. The can choose to become a hero, an altruistic paragon making the world a better place, or they can take up their will to power and use their superhuman might at the expense of all others.
Or, they can become Puma Man. Whiny, pathetic, cowardly, unintelligent, and above all woefully incompetent, Puma Man doesn't represent a single character so much as a statistical inevitability. Not every person who happens to have a great-grandfather from Asgard or parents from Alpha Centauri or a run-in with a radioactive arthropod will be inherently a cunning mover and shaker with the will to effect change in the world. Many people, if given the power of telekinesis, would just fetch the remote and expose certain people's underwear. No amount of physical or supernatural might can replace good old fashioned dedication to a cause, and not everyone has the guts to risk life and limb to battle for supremacy of the world.
To find out "What would happen if your mooching, high-school drop out older cousin became a superhero", I direct you to watch "Puma Man".
If you want to actually see somebody who isn't overshadowed by his vaguely ethnic faithful companion, leave this film alone.
Swing Parade of 1946 (1946)
Monogram's "Let's clear out the fridge" film
It is a bit of a stretch to call this a film, that is to say, a narrative complete with characters, plot, conflict, a beginning, an end, etc.
It seems more to be a collection of random musical material, actors, scenery, and costumes that Monogram pictures had lying around. The three stooges occasionally pop in with their antics to be browbeaten by a character named "Moose", and the female lead threatens the physically inferior male lead with a champagne bottle, but that's about it for genuine entertainment value. A flimsy premise of somebody's dad trying to close his night club (which, despite being on the brink of bankruptcy, can afford massive sets, tuxedos, lavish meals, and neon-fitted instruments) is relentlessly padded out with long dull repetitive musical numbers. In said music numbers, overused songs, costumes, choreography, and sets all gyrate madly about with no relation to each other.
This movie might have "historical interest". An ancient cracked Greek cup dug out of the ground might have historical interest, but that doesn't mean you want to drink from it. Likewise, I suggest that you do not attempt to actually watch Swing Parade, which contains neither swing, nor parades. What it does contain is musical dullness with a touch of surreality, people with oddly shaped faces, process servers, and equine blindness anxiety.
Hobgoblins (1988)
Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie?
This movie is not just bad, not just corny, it is repulsive. Something about Daphne, about the creepy call-girl, about the whole damn (and I use the word literally) film radiates a grotesquery that would offend a brothel mistress. This film makes my skin crawl, makes me regret having reproductive organs, and makes me feel unclean.
One of the things that bothers me most about this movie is that they used such a good concept. A creature that makes fantasies with disastrous results, rather than the cliché Worst Nightmare and the overdone Twisted Wish, is a truly fascinating film idea.
Thought: The reason why hobgoblins need to be killed before day is that they are attracted to bright lights. During the day, bright lights don't show up well, so they could go anywhere.
Count the Hobgoblins: Four hobgoblins drive out of the film studio, and yet at least nine of the pernicious plush-toys are killed throughout the course of the movie.
Discussion Question: If you had a frigid, demanding, unappreciative girlfriend, would you enter garden-tool-combat with a military chunkhead? Explain.