MeMyselfOnline Reviews

Love Rat (2024– )

More Channel 5 Awfulness

[3/10 · 17 March 2024]

The 'infinite monkey theorem' suggests that a monkey hitting typewriter keys at random for an infinite amount of time would almost surely write any given text at some point, including the complete works of Shakespeare.

What people *don't* know about this theorem is that it also suggests that it would take that same monkey around only 3½ hours (including a 15-minute lunch break for a banana and a Kit Kat) to write the average 4-part drama for Channel 5.

And in the case of Love Rat, average is being kind.

It's abysmal. Whoever told Neil Morrissey he could act was a bare faced liar, as even up against the rest of this wooden cast he was particularly dreadful.

The daughter has to be one of the most unlikeable characters ever written (better luck next time, monkey) but thankfully she's not in it much. Less thankfully that means more time for the mother to waddle around Cyprus bouncing from gullible to stupid along the way.

I saw the ending coming from a mile away despite it being utterly ridiculous, and as for the final scenes - well, perhaps the monkey had had a lobotomy.

3/10

🐀🐀🐀

Amanda & Alan's Italian Job (2023–2024)

Loved It

[9/10 · 27 January 2023]

Maybe it's because I haven't been overseas for years, but I found myself really relaxing into Amanda & Alan's Italian Job.

I've always liked Alan Carr and it was different to see a little insight into his personal life following the breakdown of his marriage. As for Amanda, I often try to not like her but fail to do so - she's not afraid to laugh at herself and that's a quality I like in people.

All in all this show offered a little bit of everything in 8 bite-size chunks. Some sightseeing, some interior design, gorgeous vistas, some emotional bits... I just thought it was a really easy show to watch and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

If I had to have one gripe it's that they never tell us how much they spent in total and how much it's now worth, and that's the only reason it's not getting full marks.

9/10.

The Fall (I) (2013–2016)

S3 Ruined This

[6/10 · 20 August 2020]

Somehow, I missed The Fall on its original airing, so have come across it with its recent addition to Netflix.

Season 1 started out very well and it was easy to see what all the hype was about, and Gillian Anderson knocks it out of the park.

Season 2 was weaker but still able to hold my attention, though it waivered here and there with one too many dragged out scenes, side stories or pregnant pauses during dialogue.

Then came season 3 and it fell off a cliff. Absolutely boring, with hardly anything new added to the mix until a few snippets in the 5th episode, and then a fizzle rather than a bang for episode 6.

Such a shame, as S1 was probably a 9/10, S1 & S2 taken as a whole would probably have merited an 8/10, but taking the whole three seasons in their entirety is barely scrapes a 6/10.

It's also worth adding that although, as mentioned, Anderson is amazing, some of the other cast (the daughter in particular) are wooden in the extreme. As for Dornon, I've no idea what the fascination was with him, and I'm not surprised his career has hardly been stellar beyond the tacky Fifty Shades franchise.

White Lines (2020)

Imperfect Entertainment

[8/10 · 18 May 2020]

Whilst true that this series is a little bit all over the place at times, having just binged over two days, I can't say it spoiled my enjoyment of it.

The only thing that did detract from my enjoyment was that so many of the characters are unlikeable to the point that it's hard to root for their success or to feel much sympathy for them.

That aside, it's a show dripping in Spanish sunshine, with gorgeous sets and a bonkers storyline that has plenty of twists and turns. It perhaps tries to be too many things (murder mystery, family drama, drugs drama, journey of self discovery) but think of it as a buffet that lets you try bits of everything, rather than a gourmet meal with one course.

Continuing that analogy, you're bound to find something on a buffet that you enjoy. Rather than believing all the ultra-negative reviews, fill your plate for yourself and see whether there's enough for you to get your teeth into.

8/10

Dead to Me (2019–2022)

Absolutely Fantastic

[10/10 · 8 May 2020]

I binged on season one of this show just last week, nicely timed for the release of the second season that I've just this second finished - and all I can say is wow!

The first season was impressive enough and I did have some trepidation that the second one wouldn't have anywhere to go and worried that the quality might slip. I worried for nothing.

The second season actually outdoes the first one and some of the scenes pack such an emotional punch that you go from crying to laughing to gasping and back to laughing.

The characters, all of them, are a joy, but the two leads need awards for their fanastic portrayals of Jen and Judy, the latter being one of the best characters to come along in a long while.

I can't sing the show's praises highly enough and just hope Netflix renew it for a third season, I need to know what happens next!

Bravo.

10/10

Locke & Key (2020–2022)

Decide For Yourself

[9/10 · 3 April 2020]

I've not enjoyed a show this much for ages.

Yes, the characters make daft decisions (and normally that would annoy me) but there's so much imagination on show here that I can easily forgive it.

Great cinematography, brilliant acting, wonderful special effects and a spellbinding musical score, I for love loved it.

Lots of twists and turns as well, right up the very end. I'll be eagerly awaiting season two, which the end credits confirm is definitely coming.

I'm surprised, having watched first before coming to IMDb, to see the amount of negative reviews. I'm glad I made my own mind up and would strongly advise that you do the same.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Wounds (2019)

Absolutely Awful

[1/10 · 9 February 2020]

There are no redeeming features to save this film, and it's easily one of the worst I've ever watched.

No storyline. No plot. Lots of bad acting (with what bit of a script there is). Simply dreadful. Utterly, completely and absolutely dreadful.

I'd be ashamed to be connected to this in any way.

The Room (2019)

Interesting Idea, Terrible Characters

[4/10 · 2 February 2020]

In a world of sequels and remakes, it's nice to have a new idea, and the premise reminded me a little bit of the James Herbert novel, "The Magic Cottage".

Unfortunately the film is let down by terrible acting, and characters behaving and conversing in ways that made absolutely no sense.

Time and time again you find yourself groaning and losing patience with them making one stupid decision after the next, or having half a conversation that doesn't make sense.

Case in point: the husband goes to see John Doe who states he did what he did as it was "the only way". The natural response would be "the only way to do what?". Does he ask that? Of course not, that would make far too much sense.

Another example: the wife goes to leave the house with the baby and the husband knows it'll destroy the baby. Does he tell his wife? No, that would make far too much sense. He just asks her not to go and says to "trust him" as to why not.

And this stuff happens scene after scene after scene.

Also, the entire movie is entirely predictable, even down to the pregnancy ending. Speaking of which let's not forget to ask why the wife would mourn the death of the "son" who just raped her a few moments before and tried to kill her husband. Yes, very touching, pass the tissues.

Still, for effects, trying to be original, and an interesting idea, it still gets a generous 4/10.

The Utah Cabin Murders (2019)

So Deeply, Deeply Boring

[1/10 · 4 September 2019]

Good grief, this is one boring film!

This acting is abysmal and people engage in one monotonous, tedious monologue after the next.

So much talking. So little interest in anything they have to say.

Avoid like the plague.

Doctor Who (2005–2022)

Ruined By Series 11

[6/10 · 24 March 2019]

I came to the Doctor Who universe as a newbie when the series returned with Eccleston and Piper. Originally unsure as to what to make of it, the show grew on me more and more, and with the reveal of the Bad Wolf story arc, I was hooked.

When Tennant took over the role, my love for the show was set in stone. He played the Doctor so well, and even though his companion changed three times, he acted as a continuity sewing everything together.

Yes, there were a few dud episodes, but all in all seasons one through four were a joy. And I still can't watch the end of seasons two and four without getting emotional. Donna was also a surprise. Originally thinking I could never see beyond Catherine Tate's comedy characters, Donna became perhaps my favourite companion even over Rose.

When Tennant left and Smith took over, things went downbank for me, not for Smith but because Amy Pond was, for me, one of the most annoying companions ever. She took over the whole show to the point that the opening scenes used to play out as though the show were about her, and the Doctor was her companion. I was glad when she went.

Thereafter, through into Clara, Smith into Capaldi, and Nardole and Bill, whilst never matching the glory days for me, were still entertaining in their own ways.

And then Whittaker and Chibnall happened. And it all went wrong.

I have no issue at all with a female Doctor. I was looking forward to seeing what the show could do with that, and thought it would bring an overdue injection of new life into the format, but the opposite appears to have happened.

I found all of the new series to be dull as ditch water. There's nothing to like about it.

The music for one thing is flat. Each previous series had a theme, often linked to the companions. Series 11 has nothing of the sort. The music is almost like one constant drone from start to finish. It's actually painful to ensure.

The companions are dreadful. There are too many of them and so none of them have enough development time to care about them, and Ryan in particular has more wood than Noah's Ark. He can't act. He just reads out works in a monotone voice.

None of them seem fazed or impressed by anything they see. They're as excited about being on another planet as they are for putting the bins out for collection.

And Whittaker makes for a dreadful Doctor. She never commands the attention of anyone. She doesn't know what to do. She's always wide-eyed and astonished. And what's with making futuristic things like a sonic probe or a Dalek out of bits of old tat found lying around?

I actually think it's an insult that they gave us a female Doctor and then made her inept. A male Doctor didn't need a gang of "fam" to get anything done, why does a female one?

I recently rewatched all the Nu-Who and without a doubt the latest series is a total abject failure. Personally I believe Chibnall should quit and see what Whittaker can do with a better script. And a new musical score is much needed, too.

Such a shame that they've effectively ruined what was a great show.

Ocean's Eight (2018)

Haters Gonna Hate

[9/10 · 22 August 2018]

I've just finished watching and hugely enjoying this, and am surprised to see so many negative reviews!

Perhaps it's because I've not watched any of the other films in the franchise but I don't understand what all the negativity is about.

The cast is absolutely stellar and everyone performs really well. They're are several laugh-out-loud moments and we were cheering the motley crew on all the way.

It would have scored a rare maximum 10/10 were it not for a late appearance from James Corden, who ruins every single film he appears in. Quite what Hollywood's obsession with this talentless moron is, remains a mystery.

Brilliant film and very watchable and enjoyable.

Down a Dark Hall (2018)

Intriguing...

[5/10 · 20 August 2018]

I watched the film without knowing anything about it (save for the short synopsis) and having not seen a trailer.

As a result, the first half of the film was filled with intrigue as the tale unfolded, but then for me it felt like one of those films where they have a good idea but can't quite bring it to a close.

As a result, the second half of the film fell flat for me as it took a detour into bog-standard clichés, whereas the first half had been comparitively original.

I won't say any more than that so that you can watch the film without spoilers or preconceived ideas. Chances are you'll enjoy it, but I suspect I won't be alone in finding it to be a film of two halves.

2:22 (2017)

222 Genres

[1/10 · 12 August 2018]

This film didn't have a clue what it wanted to be, and in a relatively short running time it veered in far too many directions, succeeding in none of them.

It begins as a bog standard city drama. Before long it's a disaster movie, before taking a hairpin bend into fantasy. But wait, now it's a love story, or is it a crime drama? Murder mystery? Suspense? No, I've got it now, it's like Groundhog Day, wait, no, I meant Ghost, no, Premonition! Sorry, I meant science fiction. No, I have it this time, it's an action film!

See what I mean? In barely over an hour and a half it bounces from one type of film to the next with hardly any character development or coherent plot.

And the score is maddening. A constant thrumming throughout was starting to physically aggravate my senses by the time it went off - something I was longing for, by the way.

One of the worst films I've seen, to the point I apologised afterwards for having suggested we watch it.

Avoid.

The Charnel House (2016)

VOICE ACTIVATION: Turn this rubbish off

[1/10 · 2 August 2018]

Absolute rubbish. Turned it off after half an hour. Don't give it your time.

Our House (I) (2018)

Boring

[1/10 · 1 August 2018]

I've just woken up from this film having just bored me to sleep.

After around 20+ minutes of absolutely nothing happening and metronome music it was impossible to stay awake.

If you want to watch three boring people repeat the same boring day, desperately wishing you were being entertained in even the slightest way - this is right up your street.

Breaking In (2018)

Lacked Something

[6/10 · 26 July 2018]

Well, I'll say this: it was good to watch a film where the female lead isn't a damsel in distress (without being a comic book heroine) and also good to see a black actor take said lead role.

From the first encounter with one of the bad guys, the film sets out its stall as she pretty much starts kicking their asses as good as she gets.

That said, the film lacked substance and also suffered from the usual clichés of characters making questionable choices, or plot holes just to keep the film going.

A few that immediately stick in my mind:

1) how does someone get run over - twice - and scarcely have a mark on them - not even a tyre mark?

2) we watch the vehicle crash and yet the three people inside magically vanish from inside it like Houdini - just daft.

3) how did she get on the roof?

4) they said the lights would come on when she got near the house but they didn't even before she smashed them

5) how did she set the fireworks off at just the right time?

6) was one burglar's job simply to "be the guy with a USB stick around his neck". really? couldn't have given that to someone else and split the cash one fewer way?

They go on, which you'll see for yourself if you watch the film. Also it's never explained why the mother is so hard to beat but if she wasn't a Navy Seal then I'm calling bs.

So, anyway, not a "bad" film, I've certainly seen worse, but it could have been a lot better.

How It Ends (2018)

Most Ironic Title Oscar

[2/10 · 22 July 2018]

I'm so annoyed that I've sat through a film and have it simply go off without concluding the story!

If the film itself weren't such a mixed bag of pacing, alresdy making it challenging to hold the viewer's attention, it might (might!) have been forgiveable.

As it is, it's not forgiveable.

Don't watch this film as it doesn't deserve your time.

Billionaire Boys Club (2018)

Failed To Hold My Attention

[4/10 · 19 July 2018]

Considering this film's runtime is around 100 minutes it felt more like 4 hours.

I struggled to find any of the characters engaging or likeable, and so didn't feel invested in the story.

After about an hour (or what felt like three), my attention had waivered to the point I was on my phone looking up the real-life story behind the film.

Maybe it's just not my type of movie, so give it a go yourself by all means. For me, though, this was instantly forgettable.

About Time (I) (2013)

Horrible

[2/10 · 28 June 2018]

I'm amazed this film has garnered as many high scores as it has, because it fails as a romance and fails in its time-travel premise.

Time-travel rarely works well in anything and the viewer often has to not think too hard and just go with it, but the mechanics this film chooses to use simply don't make sense.

If he went back in time into the mind of his younger self, okay, I could have bought it (as in The Butterfly Effect). But for his time-travelling self to appear, as a separate entity, in a wardrobe or other space makes no sense.

What's supposed to have happened to the "original him" in the time he travels back to? For example, he goes back to the New Year's party first thing. What if at the point he travels back he was in a crowded room. What happens to him? That "him" just pops out of existence and suddenly he comes downstairs from the cupboard like a bad magician on a talent show?

And when he goes back in the cupboard to travel back? Then what? Where's the rest of "him" from the time he just left? Waking up in a cupboard wondering how he got there?

It. Makes. No. Sense.

And romance? Don't make me laugh. It's so creepy to think he went back to his love-of-his-life's apartment for the first time, their "first time" together happens three times for him but only once for her. So what she thinks was their first time was his third time they'd done the deed? This doesn't strike anyone as disturbing?

And he lies and manipulates those closest to him all his life, changing things to suit him and only him? How romantic!

Oh but wait - he does suddenly try to take his sister back - succeeds - but then because it alters HIS life in a way he doesn't like (though dramatically altering hers) - nah, forget that, sis, go get hit by a car - you brought it all on yourself anyway! Not having you upsetting my perfect idyl!

A horrible film and a nonsense concept. I wish I could go back in time and never watch this garbage again.

Game Over, Man! (2018)

If I Could Rate This Zero, Or A Negative, I Would

[1/10 · 8 April 2018]

Why write a well-written review for such a poorly-written movie? It doesn't deserve it.

The film is absolute garbage. Not remotely funny, nor entertaining.

I'm starting to believe that Netflix is incapable of making a good film. If they have, I've yet to watch one.

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017)

Different - But Not "Bad"

[7/10 · 4 April 2018]

I quite like the first Jumanji film, though it's showing its age these days and so I came to watch this thinking it might be more of the same but updated for new audiences.

Instead, they've changed the core concept quite a lot and although I did enjoy the film in its own right, it doesn't really feel like a Jumanji film and lacks the original's imagination.

The joy of the first film was seeing the magical jungle world spill out from the game into the real world. In this version, the players are sucked into a video game version, for no real reason whatsoever.

But really, the film could have been set around people being sucked into any old game. There was nothing really "jungle" about it. Granted, there's a hippopotamus attack early on, but then it's men on motorbikes (??) as the main protagonists? What's jungle about that?

Again and again the main adversaries the players come up against are human rather than animal. To my mind it's as though the screenplay was written as a stand-alone film and then someone came up with a last-minute idea to pin the Jumanji brand name on to it.

Still, it's an enjoyable enough adventure. I normally can't stand Jack Black but he's fun in this film and actually does a bit of acting. Practically unheard of! And much of the fun is watching adult characters embodying children who are nothing like their avatar selves.

Watch it in its own right and you'll probably enjoy it, but don't watch it with the original in mind as it's really very much a stand-alone film.

Furlough (2018)

Just "Okay"

[5/10 · 4 April 2018]

Watching this film gave me anxiety!

We're meant to be believe that an inmate, nearing the end of her sentence for armed robbery, is having an escorted visit to see her mother on her deathbed. And the officer chosen to do said escort is something of a rookie, wanting to make a good impression in order to get a full-time job with the prison.

So far, so meh.

Yet within a few minutes of the journey (in running time) the officer is unshackling the prisoner's ankles, then a short time later, her legs, and minutes later leaving her entirely unmonitored.

The whole premise is so entirely unbelievable that I was cringeing with the anxiety of it all and shouting at the TV that it was so stupid.

That said, I found it an enjoyable enough film, helped by its comparatively short running time.

To enjoy it yourself, I suggest you leave your brain and any common sense contained within it at the door. Question what you see to heavily and it'll fall apart before your eyes.

Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie (2016)

Absolutely Average

[5/10 · 6 July 2016]

I went to see this movie yesterday, and although I didn't hate it, as some people on here seem to have done, I didn't love it either. All in all I suppose I'd have to say it was just lame, and didn't try particularly hard, doing things very much by the numbers.

Part way through watching it I was reminded of having also sat through the Keith Lemon movie as, like that movie, I felt I was watching rehashes of previously used jokes, and struggling to understand why the movie had been made at all if such weak material was all they had to fill it out with.

The plot is thus: Edina and Patsy have run out of money, accidentally kill Kate Moss in trying to secure some more, and go on the run to the South of France to escape the law. So far, so slapstick.

But in actuality, it just doesn't work very well. It's lots of 'someone tripping over', 'Patsy doing drugs', that kind of thing. Even if you find it funny the first time (despite having seen it on the series a hundred times) you'd be hard-pressed to find it funny the second time, or the third, or the... you get the idea.

For me, the funniest scene by far is Edina and Patsy's reaction to flying on a budget airline, perhaps because it's something I could relate to. On reflection, I think Saunders missed a trick in that the whole movie could have been about the pair of them trying to live their high life on a budget, and reacting accordingly.

Unfortunately, we instead get to follow them around London and France, watching various Z-listers pop up on screen in awkward and unnecessary ways, politely trying our best to laugh because we really like the people and the characters we've come to see.

The theatre was packed when we went, predominantly with women and a few gay guys, which I thought boded well. Get a few women with an infectious laugh and the whole place could have been a riot for 90 minutes.

Alas, it wasn't to be, as the entire movie garnered very few true laughs from anyone, and there were painfully long periods of silence where no-one was even chuckling. I was thinking that if this were the premier and I was Jennifer Saunders, I'd have wanted to crawl up my own backside out of embarrassment that nobody was laughing. It was all a bit cringe.

Still, it wasn't an "awful", film, just moderate your expectations and if you're a fan of the show there will no doubt be things you can find to enjoy about this movie. But one thing that other reviewers have said is most definitely true: the trailer is the best and funniest thing about it, and if you're expecting to laugh at the film as much as you did (and you will) laugh at the trailer, you'll come away quite disappointed.

Just like I did.

It Follows (2014)

It Follows? It Blows, More Like...

[1/10 · 13 March 2015]

How in God's name has this film received so many positive reviews? Did I even endure the same painful mess as everyone else or has there been more than one release of this absolute turd of a film?

It begins with the camera following a girl who can't quite make up her mind where in her street she'd like to run to in her eight-inch heels and skimpy nightwear. In the end she can't decide, so feels the need to drive to a beach so that she can have a heartfelt conversation with her father about how deeply sorry she is for her atrocious acting, and she acknowledges that she deserves never to work in acting again before meeting a gruesome demise.

I deeply cared about this character at this point, and the death had a huge impact on me, which will doubtlessly haunt me to my own dying day.

We're then introduced to the main character, whose name utterly escapes me, and shall be remembered as Little Miss Insipid. After a few minutes of similarly in-depth character development whereby we learn she like squirrels, wonders whether ants can swim (they can't), and enjoys swimming in grubby outdoor pools, she's quickly given the Ghostbusters equivalent of a nasty case of crabs and is sent on her merry way to either infect someone else or die a gruesome death of her own.

And that, dear reader, is about as much as you need to know, because that, dear reader, is where your brain will turn to sludge and start to drip out of your ears whilst you try to watch the rest of the movie.

Don't get me wrong, though. Perhaps watching a very slow, usually half- naked, tit-hanging-out, pissing-herself ghost slowly wander up to someone with as much menace of a fluffy duckling and at the speed of an arthritic tortoise is your idea of the perfect film.

It isn't mine.

Call me crazy but I like a scary film to be, well, let's push the boat out and say scary. I know, I know, it's a lot to ask.

This film is boring, pointless, poorly-acted, veers from unnecessarily loud to unnecessarily quiet (and no, not for effect, it's just irritating) and is genuinely without doubt one of the worst films I've ever seen.

And if you do go to see it, and halfway through you resist the urge to get up and leave because you think it'll get better: get up and leave. Because it just goes off at the end, without any explanation or reasoning, and leaves you desperately wishing you'd gone with your gut instinct and left at least an hour beforehand.

Avoid like the clap. Pun intended.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)

The Mortal Instruments: City of Loose Ends

[4/10 · 27 August 2013]

LOTS OF SPOILERS

I've seen many a movie that's chock full of plot holes, but I've seen few that have as many loose ends and stupid decisions as this one.

Off the top of my head and without having to really rack my brains very much, these are those which immediately spring to mind:

* Near the beginning, why did Clary's mother lock herself into the only room of the house without an exit? Every other Shadowhunter can level up against armies of creatures seemingly single-handedly, yet this one seems only able to cower in a bathroom with a mobile phone in one hand and a frying pan in the other.

* Why make an obvious scene out of Simon having a vampire bite if they weren't going to take it anywhere? Wouldn't Clary have asked someone if there was something that could be done? No, she just shrugs it off, thankful that her only lifelong friend no longer needs to waste money on glasses or contact lenses.

* Why make a point of getting Clary to check Simon's mobile, so she can get all annoyed about him not taking her mother's call for help - and then not take it anywhere?

* There you are, trapped, with dozens of demons beating down the door - the end is nigh! But wait! You use your Magic Marker to draw a 'Freeze, Demons, Freeze!' rune, saving the day. Well, you would have saved the day if you'd killed them whilst frozen. Instead, you just tip-toe past them all so that it can wear off and then all your saviours get butchered.

* When Clary realised where the Cup was hidden and returned to the witch, why did half of them go upstairs and tip iron filings all over the floor? It was never explained and never developed. Just another needless and pointless scene.

* Why did Alec react so badly to Clary's accusation regarding Jase? Again, it went absolutely nowhere.

* Speaking of Alec, how did Bane know to turn up at the institute and why did no-one so much as ask him how he knew to turn up, and what he was going to be able to do to help?

* Jase warns Clary that it takes years and years to properly attune your mind to use the portal. Yet she can seemingly dive head first into the magic puddle and end up just around the corner, within walking distance. Who knew that 'limbo' would be in the same zip code? Well I never...

* Apparently, if you wish to summon an unholy army of demons - make sure you leave the skylight open. You know how fussy those demon sorts are about getting some fresh air upon arrival.

I could go on but it's suffice to say that I wasn't impressed and thought the film was just plain bad. And it didn't help that there seemed to be no clear antagonist. If Valentine was meant to play that role, then why make the demons the things that everyone is fighting. Who are the 'good guys' meant to be fighting against? Who's working against them? The vampires? The demons? Valentine?

The film held my attention for around 30 minutes but after that it was all downhill, and from the vampire nest onwards it had lost me entirely. The rest was just a painfully long bore-fest that just wouldn't stop.

If they're stupid enough to make a sequel to this twaddle, I won't be stupid enough to go to watch it.

4/10