Four amazing actors, a writer who has turned out some good stuff in the past and what the heck happened? The camera shots constantly draw you out of the story. Every punchline is set up eons ahead so you would have to be blind not to guess the gag. It just seems like this was shot, shelved and after they ran out of every possible thing they could release because of Covid, they dusted this off and threw it out to see if DeNiro, Jones, Braff and Freeman fans would bite. I am sad I wasted my time.
Reviews
10 Reviews
Artemis Fowl
(2020)
What a sad waste of $125 million dollars
17 June 2020
Warning: Spoilers
In Covid times, we have nothing but time. I regret every minute lost on this utter abomination. If there were a way to leave negative stars, I would.
I'm a mom of 3 sons who devoured the Artemis series. I have been waiting for this movie to bring those amazing characters to life since 2007, when I first cracked the cover of Artemis Fowl. I read them all aloud to my kids and as they grew, we've all revisited them. Compelling, funny, work with characters and dialogue that snap off the page.
I'm an avid movie-goer who has loved Kenneth Branaugh's directing work since he took on Shakespeare in the 90s. He made the bard so accessible for millions of viewers. He's been knighted fergawdssake.
Josh Gad is normally so amazingly funny and fun to watch. Judy Dench is an international treasure. WTAF is up with their voices. In a "heart wrenching" scene, Diggums grumbles,"Listen to the two of us, grunting at each other like a pair of hippos with a throat infection". I clapped because that's how they both sound THE. WHOLE. MOVIE.
So you start with amazing source material, give it a monstrous budget, leave it in the hands of a skilled director with shining stars and WHAT HAPPENED, DISNEY?
Colfer has to be hurling. If he were dead, he'd be spinning in his grave like a powerdrill.
I am the first to understand that sometimes license must be taken to establish tricky plot points. I will suspend disbelief if there is a payoff that is similar to the source material. The producers of this movie, however, put the source material in a blender, pureed it, ran it through test audiences and came up with the most unwatchable pablum I've seen on the screen.
Let's spoil it up:
Do you ove the Angeline redemption line, whereby Artemis' mother, so distraught that her best true love is missing and presumed dead at the hands of the Russian Mafia that she walks like a ghost in her room when she can bring herself to get out of bed?
Can it. She's dead. (which would be a really tricky thing to explain when his twin brothers Becket and Myles come into play in book 6).
Do you love the erudite, sharply dressed and exercise-eschewing criminal mastermind that Artemis has become as he singlehandedly carries on the family crime business and painstakingly researches fairies on his own, deciding he will catch one?
Forgetaboutit. He's a surfer now, in jeans, tees and sweatshirts. He only dons a suit for the battle and they begin with him IN SCHOOL. It's a big point in the books that he's wiggled his way out of school with his genius. And Dad's in the picture from the start, force feeding him fairy lore. They crack the gnommish language completely without the fairy
Butler as a one-man wrecking crew (the third best martial artist in the world) who won't reveal his first name?
Sooooorry. He's introduced as "Dom or Domovoi" by Diggums right off the bat. He's seen training martial arts only once and only kicks butt with the aid of Holly's fairy weapon.
Teenaged Juliet has been inexplicably reduced to a 12-year old. I assume this is because they thought this would be a series so she could grow into the role?
Diggums is now full human sized, wishing only to be a normal sized dwarf.
While I loved Foaly's hair as it recalled a horse's mane, all of his snark was written out of the picture and his CGI centaur-ness didn't work visually.
Opal Koboi is introduced right off the bat where she didn't appear until book 2 in the series. You never actually see anything but a cloaked
Holly as a driven elf trying to prove herself capable to the demanding Commander Root as the one and only female in LEP Recon?
Naw, she just wants to clear her dad's name. (Aaaand, there's no dad in any of the books for Holly - total crap) She's not at the Oak tree to perform the sacred ritual to restore her magic, but rather goes there to find her dad's badge? She has no edge.
Did you find the restoring ritual interesting and cool?
Hold it in your hearts, viewer because it's completely written off here.
Did you like Julius Root as a curmudgeonly foil?
I have no problem with casting Root as a female - but the essential anger is gone. In the books, he's called "beetroot" by the troops because of this epic anger. The only anger here is the audience's at having to watch this hatchet job.
************
The premise decimated, the 90 minutes reels out an overly expository, nonsensical flattening of the source material with zero stakes, zero chemistry, zero character development and zero heart.
I so wish I could give this zero stars. Today it's at 9% on Rotten Tomatoes. I think that's a very generous mark.
Pure, unadulterated junk.
I'm a mom of 3 sons who devoured the Artemis series. I have been waiting for this movie to bring those amazing characters to life since 2007, when I first cracked the cover of Artemis Fowl. I read them all aloud to my kids and as they grew, we've all revisited them. Compelling, funny, work with characters and dialogue that snap off the page.
I'm an avid movie-goer who has loved Kenneth Branaugh's directing work since he took on Shakespeare in the 90s. He made the bard so accessible for millions of viewers. He's been knighted fergawdssake.
Josh Gad is normally so amazingly funny and fun to watch. Judy Dench is an international treasure. WTAF is up with their voices. In a "heart wrenching" scene, Diggums grumbles,"Listen to the two of us, grunting at each other like a pair of hippos with a throat infection". I clapped because that's how they both sound THE. WHOLE. MOVIE.
So you start with amazing source material, give it a monstrous budget, leave it in the hands of a skilled director with shining stars and WHAT HAPPENED, DISNEY?
Colfer has to be hurling. If he were dead, he'd be spinning in his grave like a powerdrill.
I am the first to understand that sometimes license must be taken to establish tricky plot points. I will suspend disbelief if there is a payoff that is similar to the source material. The producers of this movie, however, put the source material in a blender, pureed it, ran it through test audiences and came up with the most unwatchable pablum I've seen on the screen.
Let's spoil it up:
Do you ove the Angeline redemption line, whereby Artemis' mother, so distraught that her best true love is missing and presumed dead at the hands of the Russian Mafia that she walks like a ghost in her room when she can bring herself to get out of bed?
Can it. She's dead. (which would be a really tricky thing to explain when his twin brothers Becket and Myles come into play in book 6).
Do you love the erudite, sharply dressed and exercise-eschewing criminal mastermind that Artemis has become as he singlehandedly carries on the family crime business and painstakingly researches fairies on his own, deciding he will catch one?
Forgetaboutit. He's a surfer now, in jeans, tees and sweatshirts. He only dons a suit for the battle and they begin with him IN SCHOOL. It's a big point in the books that he's wiggled his way out of school with his genius. And Dad's in the picture from the start, force feeding him fairy lore. They crack the gnommish language completely without the fairy
Butler as a one-man wrecking crew (the third best martial artist in the world) who won't reveal his first name?
Sooooorry. He's introduced as "Dom or Domovoi" by Diggums right off the bat. He's seen training martial arts only once and only kicks butt with the aid of Holly's fairy weapon.
Teenaged Juliet has been inexplicably reduced to a 12-year old. I assume this is because they thought this would be a series so she could grow into the role?
Diggums is now full human sized, wishing only to be a normal sized dwarf.
While I loved Foaly's hair as it recalled a horse's mane, all of his snark was written out of the picture and his CGI centaur-ness didn't work visually.
Opal Koboi is introduced right off the bat where she didn't appear until book 2 in the series. You never actually see anything but a cloaked
Holly as a driven elf trying to prove herself capable to the demanding Commander Root as the one and only female in LEP Recon?
Naw, she just wants to clear her dad's name. (Aaaand, there's no dad in any of the books for Holly - total crap) She's not at the Oak tree to perform the sacred ritual to restore her magic, but rather goes there to find her dad's badge? She has no edge.
Did you find the restoring ritual interesting and cool?
Hold it in your hearts, viewer because it's completely written off here.
Did you like Julius Root as a curmudgeonly foil?
I have no problem with casting Root as a female - but the essential anger is gone. In the books, he's called "beetroot" by the troops because of this epic anger. The only anger here is the audience's at having to watch this hatchet job.
************
The premise decimated, the 90 minutes reels out an overly expository, nonsensical flattening of the source material with zero stakes, zero chemistry, zero character development and zero heart.
I so wish I could give this zero stars. Today it's at 9% on Rotten Tomatoes. I think that's a very generous mark.
Pure, unadulterated junk.
ZBurbs
(2017)
It's a ZomRomCom
22 November 2017
Sometimes films don't fit neatly into any one genre. Though this is scary, it is not a traditional horror movie, instead it's a funny, actually oddly sweet take on traditional zombie tropes, far more in line with Shaun of the Dead than with World War Z.
It's more a Rom-Com Zombie movie.
Think about it. If the one you love becomes the undead, would you just stop loving them? Not in this seriously fun take on zombie movies.
I love the pace, the crackling dialogue and especially Ian Alda as Bill Sampler, an everyman who finds himself the newly undead. With Maria Delfino playing his adoring wife, Courtney Scheuer her snarky best friend and Gabe Greenspan as his just-this-side-of-crazy conspiracy theorist brother-in-law. This awesome foursome tries to find a way to stay fed, keep the good zombies safe and avoid the government black ops ready to stop them.
The representation of the zombie feeding frenzy is a brand-new take in this genre and I was delighted that it's far more comic and cerebral than gory.
The ending sets up a sequel and I'm hoping it happens because I am ready for another serving of these suburban zombies. Bring it!
It's more a Rom-Com Zombie movie.
Think about it. If the one you love becomes the undead, would you just stop loving them? Not in this seriously fun take on zombie movies.
I love the pace, the crackling dialogue and especially Ian Alda as Bill Sampler, an everyman who finds himself the newly undead. With Maria Delfino playing his adoring wife, Courtney Scheuer her snarky best friend and Gabe Greenspan as his just-this-side-of-crazy conspiracy theorist brother-in-law. This awesome foursome tries to find a way to stay fed, keep the good zombies safe and avoid the government black ops ready to stop them.
The representation of the zombie feeding frenzy is a brand-new take in this genre and I was delighted that it's far more comic and cerebral than gory.
The ending sets up a sequel and I'm hoping it happens because I am ready for another serving of these suburban zombies. Bring it!
Elysium
(I) (2013)
Hollywood, stop with the shaky cam already!
9 August 2013
Enjoyable film. Many moments where you just have to check your brain to make sure that you forgive the plot holes. Damon is great. Kruger is positively unintelligible. Do not understand how some equate this with good acting. I found him very irritating, but not in a good actor way.
The contrast between earth and Elysium is stark but for God's sake, why do directors and cinematographers seem to think that shaky cam = the gritty reality of the main character's angst-y situation? LET THE ACTORS ACT IT! While I held it together this time, the film would be best served with a Dramamine for every moment they're on earth or in a fight scene. I would definitely have ranked it higher if they could have located a freaking tripod on set.
The contrast between earth and Elysium is stark but for God's sake, why do directors and cinematographers seem to think that shaky cam = the gritty reality of the main character's angst-y situation? LET THE ACTORS ACT IT! While I held it together this time, the film would be best served with a Dramamine for every moment they're on earth or in a fight scene. I would definitely have ranked it higher if they could have located a freaking tripod on set.
The Hunger Games
(2012)
Competent adaptation but TONS of hand-held camera = bad experience
23 March 2012
I think that given the time restraints of feature films this adaptation fairly communicated one of the most interesting YA books I've read in years. That said, a very large part of this movie was shot using hand- held cameras to up the topsy-turvy emotional ride that the characters were on. As a person who truly believes that is an actor's job and also a person who suffers terribly from motion sickness I thought this was a terrible injustice to the story and actors assembled to bring this feature to life. I truly hope that sequels will be shot with stable cameras so that the players can bring the emotions to life and those of us in the audience with motion sickness issues can enjoy the movie, too. Movie content solid A. Cinematography C-/D.
The Steven Banks Show
(1991 TV Movie)
So hysterical
21 November 2007
Okay, am I the only one who saw this ONCE and still sings: "at the B-A-R-hyphen-B-hyphen-Q at my house"??
I see in chatter below where someone is trying to sell pirate copies of this but I'd really love to see a legit copy for sale somewhere that will benefit the brilliant man who made this show. I seriously haven't seen this since I was in college but random segments quite frequently jar a giggle from me now 16 years later!
Love it, Steve--where are your money people? Sell it! No price too high for the real deal. As I deal with hours of Spongebob these days with my kids, I see why it's so amazingly likable--Steven Banks.
I see in chatter below where someone is trying to sell pirate copies of this but I'd really love to see a legit copy for sale somewhere that will benefit the brilliant man who made this show. I seriously haven't seen this since I was in college but random segments quite frequently jar a giggle from me now 16 years later!
Love it, Steve--where are your money people? Sell it! No price too high for the real deal. As I deal with hours of Spongebob these days with my kids, I see why it's so amazingly likable--Steven Banks.
The Annihilation of Fish
(1999)
Annihilation of the movie blahs
7 December 2001
****This opinion reveals minor details about the movie's plot.***
As an intern at a film company, I had the opportunity to read the script for The Annihilation of Fish over six years ago. I have since read literally hundreds of scripts and in that time have strongly recommended only four for production. Fish was at the top of my strongly recommend list. I am so very pleased to say that this wonderful cast and beautiful direction has made the script come to life in a vibrant, memorable picture that will erase any filmgoing blahs you may have after a season of largely forgettable films.
James Earl Jones gives an outstanding performance as Fish. A Jamaican immigrant, Fish is a longtime janitor at Grand Central Station. Retired, he worried that suddenly he had no use in life. A friend back in Jamaica went insane when he lost his use, so Fish was nervous. One day when he came home, he saw "a most heinous demon in the hallway lookin' up some poor unsuspectin' woman's dress." Knowing he couldn't allow such a despicable act, he takes it upon himself to wrestle the demon, who continues to come back to harass good people. Due to the fact that no one in the world sees Hank (the demon) but Fish, he lands in an institution for the insane. The movie begins as Fish is released from the institution. He comes to Los Angeles to try to start fresh and lands in a boarding house run by Mrs. Muldroone.
Mrs. Muldroone, played elegantly by an almost unrecognizable Margot Kidder, tends the weed in the garden that caused her husband's heart attack. She takes on this unusual boarder asking whether he has any insidious habits or vices. She's thrilled that a man his age keeps in shape by wrestling.
Meanwhile, in San Francisco, Poinsettia (played exactly as I thought she should be by the FANTASTIC Lynne Redgrave) watches an outdoor version of a Puccini opera and kisses and fondles absolutely no one sitting next to her. People cast uneasy glances at this crazy lady making out with no one. She's convinced she's having an affair with the ghost of Puccini and tries repeatedly to marry him, but no one, not even the most new age of priests, will marry her to a ghost. Devastated, she leaves her lover and goes to Hollywood for a fresh start.
She too lands in Mrs. Muldroone's boarding house and when asked about her insidious habits and vices, she admits she sings opera. Screeches opera is more to the point. Mrs. Muldroone is glad to have her, IF she closes her door when she sings. Situated right across the hallway from Fish, she squawks and he tries not to listen. One night she decides she has to get out and do something, ties one on and passes out in the hallway outside her door. The requisite gentleman, Fish brings her into his own apartment, covers her with a quilt on his couch and lets her spend the night.
Thus begins a funny friendship. She passes out, he takes her in. They start a conversation, they stop abruptly when Hank the demon comes to wrestle. After one such night, Poinsettia asks if Fish plays cards. They begin a marathon gin game that results in a close, sweet relationship. The bulk of the film passes effortlessly as each of the three main characters battles their own ghosts and demons to become a normal person.
The Director let the actors really dig into the script and the only criticism I have is that there were a few really nice scenes that were distracted by poor focus or underlit shots. The acting in this movie is fantastic. Jones' Jamaican accent and tender mannerisms make him such a lovable looney. And Poinsettia's insistence that she's the only sane one in the house is usually uttered at her most loopy moments. Redgrave gives an outstanding performance. She deserves an Oscar and thought small films are generally overlooked for the big statue, her nomination in the tiny film Gods And Monsters gives me hope that she'll be acknowledged this year.
A sweet romance filled with comic gems, this is really not to be missed by anyone who truly loves a story-driven movie with characters that will stick with you for a lifetime. I never forgot them in the six years since I read that script and now, having seen them fleshed out by these two outstanding actors, I won't be able to forget them forever.
As an intern at a film company, I had the opportunity to read the script for The Annihilation of Fish over six years ago. I have since read literally hundreds of scripts and in that time have strongly recommended only four for production. Fish was at the top of my strongly recommend list. I am so very pleased to say that this wonderful cast and beautiful direction has made the script come to life in a vibrant, memorable picture that will erase any filmgoing blahs you may have after a season of largely forgettable films.
James Earl Jones gives an outstanding performance as Fish. A Jamaican immigrant, Fish is a longtime janitor at Grand Central Station. Retired, he worried that suddenly he had no use in life. A friend back in Jamaica went insane when he lost his use, so Fish was nervous. One day when he came home, he saw "a most heinous demon in the hallway lookin' up some poor unsuspectin' woman's dress." Knowing he couldn't allow such a despicable act, he takes it upon himself to wrestle the demon, who continues to come back to harass good people. Due to the fact that no one in the world sees Hank (the demon) but Fish, he lands in an institution for the insane. The movie begins as Fish is released from the institution. He comes to Los Angeles to try to start fresh and lands in a boarding house run by Mrs. Muldroone.
Mrs. Muldroone, played elegantly by an almost unrecognizable Margot Kidder, tends the weed in the garden that caused her husband's heart attack. She takes on this unusual boarder asking whether he has any insidious habits or vices. She's thrilled that a man his age keeps in shape by wrestling.
Meanwhile, in San Francisco, Poinsettia (played exactly as I thought she should be by the FANTASTIC Lynne Redgrave) watches an outdoor version of a Puccini opera and kisses and fondles absolutely no one sitting next to her. People cast uneasy glances at this crazy lady making out with no one. She's convinced she's having an affair with the ghost of Puccini and tries repeatedly to marry him, but no one, not even the most new age of priests, will marry her to a ghost. Devastated, she leaves her lover and goes to Hollywood for a fresh start.
She too lands in Mrs. Muldroone's boarding house and when asked about her insidious habits and vices, she admits she sings opera. Screeches opera is more to the point. Mrs. Muldroone is glad to have her, IF she closes her door when she sings. Situated right across the hallway from Fish, she squawks and he tries not to listen. One night she decides she has to get out and do something, ties one on and passes out in the hallway outside her door. The requisite gentleman, Fish brings her into his own apartment, covers her with a quilt on his couch and lets her spend the night.
Thus begins a funny friendship. She passes out, he takes her in. They start a conversation, they stop abruptly when Hank the demon comes to wrestle. After one such night, Poinsettia asks if Fish plays cards. They begin a marathon gin game that results in a close, sweet relationship. The bulk of the film passes effortlessly as each of the three main characters battles their own ghosts and demons to become a normal person.
The Director let the actors really dig into the script and the only criticism I have is that there were a few really nice scenes that were distracted by poor focus or underlit shots. The acting in this movie is fantastic. Jones' Jamaican accent and tender mannerisms make him such a lovable looney. And Poinsettia's insistence that she's the only sane one in the house is usually uttered at her most loopy moments. Redgrave gives an outstanding performance. She deserves an Oscar and thought small films are generally overlooked for the big statue, her nomination in the tiny film Gods And Monsters gives me hope that she'll be acknowledged this year.
A sweet romance filled with comic gems, this is really not to be missed by anyone who truly loves a story-driven movie with characters that will stick with you for a lifetime. I never forgot them in the six years since I read that script and now, having seen them fleshed out by these two outstanding actors, I won't be able to forget them forever.
Special Unit 2
(2001–2002)
Set your Tivo to Stunned
25 April 2001
I'm always leery of knockoffs and was convinced that SU2 was an X-Files wannabe, but the first episode proved me wrong.
From the aforementioned fully appropriate rollicking rock music between scenes to the group chemistry in the Unit to the creepy creature sneaking food and cigarettes at headquarters hidden under an Asian dry cleaners, this is clearly nothing like the X-Files. It's upbeat, hip and funny and a little spooky just for kicks. It's similar to Men In Black, but instead of hunting down stray aliens, the Unit finds and kills links, all manner of beings between humans and animals which tend to hunt humans.
In the two subsequent episodes, the leads got more comfortable in their roles and the story lines were just as engrossing and fun as the first. I'm excited about this series and hope that it lasts a good, long time.
From the aforementioned fully appropriate rollicking rock music between scenes to the group chemistry in the Unit to the creepy creature sneaking food and cigarettes at headquarters hidden under an Asian dry cleaners, this is clearly nothing like the X-Files. It's upbeat, hip and funny and a little spooky just for kicks. It's similar to Men In Black, but instead of hunting down stray aliens, the Unit finds and kills links, all manner of beings between humans and animals which tend to hunt humans.
In the two subsequent episodes, the leads got more comfortable in their roles and the story lines were just as engrossing and fun as the first. I'm excited about this series and hope that it lasts a good, long time.
Sex and the City
(1998–2004)
How dare they?
20 September 1999
Funny. Look at the outrage men who have commented negatively on this series feel at women being sexual. How dare they? My answer is how dare the other series that bombard us with plastic, anesthetic, boring people not show women in frank, sexually charged conversations and situations.
Guys, women have sex. Women enjoy sex. And this woman enjoys this cracklingly live, juicy, hysterically funny series. Acting is so far above the industry standard it's no wonder it had to go on cable. Kudos for fantastic writing and direction. Hey, IMDb--where are those writers' credits?
Vulnerable despite hard edges, funny despite hard knocks, these characters keep me coming back week after week. Excellent work.
Guys, women have sex. Women enjoy sex. And this woman enjoys this cracklingly live, juicy, hysterically funny series. Acting is so far above the industry standard it's no wonder it had to go on cable. Kudos for fantastic writing and direction. Hey, IMDb--where are those writers' credits?
Vulnerable despite hard edges, funny despite hard knocks, these characters keep me coming back week after week. Excellent work.
Better Than Chocolate
(1999)
Better than mainstream
6 September 1999
What a delight! This show really had it all: character development, tremendous acting, fab script. I went not knowing what to expect and came out so happily surprised. Could Hollywood please take a hint and produce some quality shows like this one? Not for the homophobic, it represents non-stereotyped, realistic gay lifestyles, sometimes graphically. Excellent work. I sincerely hope these fine actresses (and Peter Outerbridge!) get work in many films to come.
Tell Your Friends