BlueFormicaHalo Reviews

Devil in the Flesh (1998 Video)

Camp at best with the lovely Rose McGowan playing a teenage murderess/vixen.

[9/10 · 18 September 1999]

In no way is Rose McGowan a fantastic "actress," and I'm sure she doesn't claim to be. Rose is, perfectly, a camp goddess. She raises movies like "Lewis and Clark and George", "Phantoms", and "Jawbreaker" to more than they should be. "Devil in the Flesh", a made-for-cable thriller which I caught one sleepless night on TV, is Rose's movie. She plays a real bitch who gets a huge crush on her young male teacher (Alex McArthur). Here what ensues is a more campy, more violent "Poison Ivy" clone, that actually isn't bad at all. Now, many of my friends found it hard to believe that I, a teenage Atom Egoyan freak and Ang Lee-wannabe (although, no, I am not Oriental), could like such a movie. Well, sometimes, people like me need to have fun with a movie. "The Sweet Hereafter" and "The Ice Storm" were hardly fun movies, even though I adore them. But, thank you whoever for making "Devil in the Flesh", a riotous, terrific camp joy.

Three stars out of four.

Dirty Work (1998)

Questions to ponder while watching this poor attempt at humor:

[2/10 · 18 September 1999]

While watching "Dirty Work", most likely one of the worst comedies of 1998 (some others being: "Major League 3" "A Night at the Roxbury" and "Armageddon" *yes, that movie was so bad, I would classify it as comedy*), a few questions popped into my head....:

Was Chevey Chase EVER funny?

Doesn't Traylor Howard ever want to redeem herself from "Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place"?

Why doesn't Christopher Mcdonald get a new agent after starring in Happy Gilmore, Veronica's Closet, The Eighteenth Angel, Lawn Dogs, to name a few?

Will Norm Macdonald ever have a real career after SNL? --Well that one I can answer: probably not!

One star out of four

Little Witches (1996)

MWUAHAHA, what a terrible movie!

[1/10 · 18 September 1999]

I can not begin to tell you what a horrible movie "Little Witches" is... but I also cannot tell you what a huge "crush" (I am censoring myself there) I had when watching Sheeri Rappaport. Good God! She is a true beauty... and, yes, this is a horrible "Craft" rip-off. Unlike many, I enjoyed "The Craft" and its black humor, but besides Rappaport, there is little to like here. *Beware viewers, here you get to see an obese, jelly-rolled young actress dance fully naked around a well* DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YOU!

Goth can be so much more sexy, so much more fun, and so much better. Half a star out of Four (the half comes from Ms. Rappaport).

Lilies (1996)

Gorgeous-looking, but fairly silly at the same time.

[8/10 · 18 September 1999]

Since I am quite unfamiliar with the likes of gay cinema (with the exception of gloss-camp indie director Gregg Araki), I have this friend who recommended to me "Lilies," a Canadian film about a relationship between a teenage boy and another teen boy who happens to be the "stud-type". The two young actors who star are both good, but "Lilies" is flawed majorly. If you don't know already, there are no females in the cast, but that's not to say there aren't any female characters. They have male actors playing the females, which is sometimes a bit laughable. The two characters that bugged the hell out of me were the French mademoiselle and the young boy's mother. They actors playing them act like they are in some John Waters film of some sort. The French "woman" tries to be so proper, but comes off utterly obnoxious. Thank God for the two boys. Without their presence, this may have played like cheap camp. (Oh, by the way, even though he starred in one of my favorite films of all time "Love and Human Remains", do not cast hideous-actor Matthew Ferguson in a film EVER again!)

Beautiful, romantic (in a way), but often times corny. Three stars out of Four.

Criminal Passion (1994)

Talentless Severence tries too hard in this stupid B-movie erotic thriller.

[3/10 · 16 September 1999]

Haven't we seen this before? Soft core erotica film star Joan Severnce stars as a tough, take-no-sh*t cop who falls for a man who could be killing women after sex. "Basic Instinct" anyone? "Criminal Passion" plays like a sad attempt at making "Basic Instinct" with reversed roles and without the camp. But in no way is it as fun as "Basic Instinct." There is little buildup to the sex that Severence and the man take part in; they just seem to do it. "Criminal Passion" really isn't as bad as it could have been, but for grade-A B movie, check out "Basic Instinct."

One-and-a-half Stars out of Four.

A Boy Called Hate (1995)

Despite a sincere performance by Scott Caan, this road flick examines charted area with little innovation.

[6/10 · 8 September 1999]

Scott Caan, the young son of James Caan, stars here in the title role, a teenage delinquent released from jail. Hate, after being released the same day, commits a crime, where he leaves a man for dead after he finds him attempting to rape a girl (Missy Crider). The two hit the road, in the usual, cynical way most films take it. Crider is not a good actress, and her performance does little for her typically bitter, depressed, hard-to-get-into-yet-lovable-as-time-goes-by chick. Although at first Caan seemed like a cocky wannabe actor, but as the movie rolls along, he shows great depth (and the scenes between him and "Smoke Signals"'s Adam Beach, as an Indian, are the best of the film. Those two generate more chemistry than twenty times that of Caan and Crider.)

Fair road flick with a few highlights, but overall, nothing special. Two and a Half stars out of Four.

Vibrations (1996 Video)

When a Married with Children star gives the best performance in the film, you know there's something not right about the film.

[1/10 · 5 September 1999]

All I can say to "Vibrations," a schlocky, justifiably little-seen, 1995 cyber/techno romance, is YUCK. Former "Twin Peaks" star James Marshall (and although I am very pro-Peaks stars, he is one that I can do without) plays an aspiring musician who gets in an accident removing both his hands. He then goes to the street and becomes your average homeless bum. One night he finds a nice abandoned storing garage, which turns into a rave as he awakens. There he meets Christina Applegate, giving the only decent performance throughout this whole movie. She plays Anamika, an owner of the rave, and she soon falls for Marshall in a sappy, corny romance. The biggest problem here is the supporting cast (most notably Appegate's excruciatingly annoying roommates), and there is nothing, nothing at all, that can save "Vibrations" from being anything but bottom-of-the-barrel crap.

Yuck. Zero Stars out of Four.

Somebody Is Waiting (1996)

Ambitious, but not good

[4 August 1999]

Martin Donovan, who also directed the quirky "Apartment Zero" among others, wrote and directed "Somebody is Waiting", a film with so much potential that is never fulfilled. Johnny Whitworth of "Empire Records" stars here (and is very flat) as a young teenage delinquent. His mother (the beautiful Nastassja Kinski, who could almost pass as his girlfriend) is a suffering mother of many other children. His girlfriend (Rebecca Gayheart, who should have STAYED a Noxema girl) is worried about him. And his father (Gabriel Byrne) is an abusive man who left the family years ago. This all could be some silly melodrama or a powerful family drama...but this one is the silly melodrama that it shouldn't have been.

Ambitious, yet very bad. Two Stars Out of Four.

Outside Ozona (1998)

Uneven character-driven neo-noir thriller

[8/10 · 7 July 1999]

When a movie slightly reminds you of Oliver Stone's western noir "U-Turn", yah that one movie that tried way too hard to be cool and expected to make money just because of Sean Penn, Jennifer Lopez, and Nick Nolte, its not a good sign. But thankfully, "Outside Ozona" is better. Barely released in theatres, this character driven suspense thriller carries around a very diverse cast which ranges from Robert Forster (best known for his Oscar-nominated turn in "Jackie Brown") to former bombshell Sherilyn Fenn to Meat Loaf. All of the characters are oddly connected by listening to their radios to a certain dj (Taj Mahal). Although "Ozona" does make some good points about things like God and such, its dark and cynical tone is almost ruined by the characters played by Kevin Pollack and Penelope Ann Miller (their romance just raises the camp level and nothing else) and the chiched dialogue that shows up every once in a while.

Not very unique, but an overall decent flick. Two and a Half Stars out of Four.

Specimen (1996)

Hahaha... As you guessed it: terrible.

[2/10 · 29 May 1999]

Specimen, a direct-to-video science-fiction flick, is just about as terrible as you might guess. Mark-Paul Gosselaar (possibly one of the worst actors that have ever even made a film) plays a man who has always had a strange attraction to water and later finds out that he is the spawn of an alien and that another alien has come to Earth to kill him. Gosselaar--best known as Zack Morris on the terrible sitcom Saved by the Bell--is beyond terrible in a performance that makes Elizabeth Berkeley seem like the next Meryl Streep. (He is even worse in the even worse movie Dead Man on Campus).

This movie is a total waste of the thirty dollars it probably cost to make. Half a Star out of Four.

Urban Legend (1998)

Can't get much worse than this

[1/10 · 28 May 1999]

Have you ever wished that the killer would just end everything and just kill you? After seeing this TERRIBLE Dead Teenager schlock, I did. Alicia Witt, Rebecca Gayheart, and Jared Leto duke it out for worst performance as three college kids who become scared over a killer repeating infamous urban legends (um, didn't we see that in Scream?). Urban Legend is a cheap, cheap rip-off of such horror classics as Scream, Scream 2, Halloween; such non-classics as I Know What You Did Last Summer and the Halloween sequels; and even Felicity! Urban Legend is handsdown terrible; but surprisingly only my second least favorite of 1998. (The Rose McGowan sci-fi clunker barely edged it out; and The Waterboy was slightly beaten by this one)

Basically, do not see this movie. Zero Stars out of Four.

Star Time (1992)

Dark, boring, and not very scary

[4/10 · 28 May 1999]

Some no-name actor stars in Star Time as a twentysomething guy who becomes suicidal after his favorite television show gets canceled. Yes, you read that right. So then John P. Ryan takes advantage of our vulnerable main character pretending to work for TV and having him kill people. The rest is long, boring, and surprisingly unappealing. Star Time has no rating (unless Unrated counts), but the box rates it EM, meaning Extremely Mature. (But what they don't realize is that mature audiences can't take this junk seriously)

Waste of time and money (thankfully little of both though). One-and-a-half Stars out of Four.

Red Shoe Diaries (1992 TV Movie)

Underrated, emotionally powerful film from Zalman King

[6/10 · 28 May 1999]

My friend Chris rented this movie expecting something along the lines of the terribly formulatic romantic/erotic ShowTime series from Zalman King. I was very surprised with this movie. A pre-X-Flies David Duchovony stars as a man still mourning over the death of his beautiful fiancee (Brigit Bako, of Strange Days). He then finds her diary which reveals a steamy relationship between her and a shoe salesman (Billy Wirth). The story is well-written and -acted, except for the stiff Duchovony.

This movie deserves a wider audience, because I think people will like and identify with it. Three Stars out of Four.